Bands That Suck Balls: NEON TREES

Back in the day, when SNL was still funny, Conan was still on network television, and George Lopez was still languishing away in night clubs doing unfunny stand up about Mexican stereotypes, late night television was pretty badass. Aside from the obvious draw of the comedy bits, people actually tuned into late night shows and stayed up till the end to catch the performance of the night's musical guest. There was a natural progression in a band's road to mainstream relevance. If a trendy band started gathering some indie rock buzz they played on Conan past midnight where only stoned college kids were awake to see them perform. Then once they released an album and solid single they moved up an hour earlier and performed on Letterman/Leno (generally Letterman). Then once the band was officially a cool band with "mainstream credibility" (yes those two terms were once synonomous) they played a gig on SNL. Today of course since 99.9% of all rock music is total poop, staying up to watch the musical guest on any of the aforementioned late night forums, just means infuriating myself right before I hit the sack. This week we cover a shitty band that is currently moving up the ranks of late night TV gigs. Soon they'll surely be the mainstream hip band that everyone likes. Before that happens I might as well preemptively skewer these dickheads. Lets hope the four people who read my blog will alert the masses to stop supporting this shiitastic band before they take over our airwaves for good. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: NEON TREES.

Is this fucking band for real? I mean..are they actually trying to be taken seriously as a rock and roll band? They can't be. This has gotta be some sort of fucking joke. Take a long look at the complete asshats pictured above. Ohhh sweet retro shades guys. You look so damn cool staring off into the distance in opposite directions while posing in front of a scenic desert rock. What's with the twat on the far left with her butch haircut, silver boots and spandex pants? Looks like Star Trek is missing their hipster chick. Then we've got James Dean Jr. in his "faux hawk" (possibly the most douchetastic haircut in history) rocking his rolled up Levis and leather jacket. Dude, "The Outsiders" called to say that even Pony Boy could kick your ass. Far right we have some art school fucktard that is apparently working at a drive up diner to help pay his way through school. Finally we have the lead singer stepping to the forefront amidst this bashing of his bandmates saying "whoa whoa..easy there..a little respect..for I am Costanza...king of the douchebags." Sweet comb down hawk. Are you starring in a remake of "The 5th Element"..? Who told you rocking a baby blue bow tie with a pea coat and skinny jeans was badass? Oh, your art school boyfriend to the right. Fair enough.

Since Neon Trees hail from the totally Un-Rad streets of Provo, Utah you'd assume they don't have a totally unique rock sound that blows out your speakers. You'd be right. Neon Trees have that standard shitty indie rock sound built around four assfucks who can't play their instruments banging 3 notes repetitively while hipster dancing in unison. "Ughhh..well maybe if we all stand in one place, swaying our head back and forth with solemn looks on our faces, people will be distracted from the fact that this song sucks monkey dong."Good thinking guys, but I'm onto your plan. Their lead singer of follows the vocal model of every other horrendous rock frontman. Sing in a slowly building whispering whine for a while until you hit the standard hook built around some variation of an annoying "oh ohhhhhhhh" or "whoaaaaaaaa" chorus that fucking blows. Seriously if I wrote an album for a band where every track's chorus was just a slightly different arrangement of the words "ohhhhhh, soooooo, whoaaaaa and goooooo" sung by some weepy pussy I guarantee it goes triple platinum.

Whatever, maybe I'm being too harsh on these kids. Maybe they're one of those shitty bands that is actually into really cool music but is just paying their dues with some craptastic poppy singles. Or just marketing a certain "look" that the record label knows will gather a buzz. I bet they'd love to show us that deep down they've got some real rock and roll chops. Lets watch Neon Trees take us by surprise and impress us with a totally Rad cover..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCNS3mR-pho&feature=related

Ok nevermind. Throw these guys in a Russian prison cell with a pack of bears and throw away the key. I've seen it all and I'm done.