Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Jesus Wasn't Good at Football Either

This Sunday in the National Football League was admittedly a bit uninteresting compared to some of the craziness seen during the first six weeks of the season. After all, six of the best teams in the league had bye weeks, and the NFL continued its run of shitbag primetime games (seriously when the hell does flex scheduling start?). Still, there were a number of interesting storylines worth covering by the pigskin talking heads even on this reasonably uneventful Sunday. The Falcons retastablished themselves as contenders with an impressive road win over the once unbeatable Lions. A rookie shattered an 18 year franchise record held by the NFL's all-time leading rusher in his first start. The Packers maintained their unblemished record. Really any of these stories could have passed for the "front page headline" at the end of week 7 in the NFL. Instead of course the story that analysts, reporters, and sportswriters couldn't get enough of involved winless team and a one win team engaging in a meaningless and alltogether horribly boring 18-15 shootout. Why you ask? Well because it involved everyone's favorite golden boy Jesus afficionado: Tim Tebow.

Pretty much everyone who , you know watches football regularly can unequivocally see that Tim fucking Tebow sucks total donkey dick when it comes to playing quarterback in the NFL. Unfortunately none of us average Joe football fanatics actually gets paid to analyze the NFL. The people that do have made it a point to blow him at every moment possible. It's absolutely ridiculous. Every headline today was "Tebowmania!" or "Tebow: the legend grows!" or some variation of the like. Yesterday endless amounts of time were spent analyzing every detail of the showdown between the 0-5 Dolphins and 1-4 Broncos that will ultimately mean nothing to this season's playoff picture. My question of course is..WHY? WHAT. THE. FUCK? What is it with the media and their desire to hype and praise this completely mediocre (more like completely shitty) football player? For starters, let's establish what LEGENDARY feats Tim Tebow accomplished yesterday. He "led" a valiant 15 point comeback that required a recovered onside kick, an amazing catch in the waning moments, a forced fumble by the defense, and a 52 yard game winning field goal. Other than that Tim Tebow pretty much singlehandedly pulled a miraculous comeback out of his asshole along with the usual unicorns and rainbows that exit his bunghole.

I have never seen so many people with such a raging hard-on for an athlete that has accomplished absolutely nothing at the professional level. I mean I've come to expect that once an athlete establishes themself at the top of their sport we will have to hear about their every move ad nauseum 24/7 (Brett Favre, LeBron James etc.). Never however, have I seen the national media so universally on a guy's jock before he has even established the ability to be competent. So what exactly fascinates everyone (the media) about this cocktaster? NBC's Bob Costas, who likes to wax poetic once a week at halftime of SNF about the bullshit Disney story of the day, offered this typically nauseating explanation:

"Tebow's appealing intangibles: His HEART, his SIZE, his ATHLETICISM, his PLAYMAKING KNACK...He is a distinctive and compelling player. Easy to root for."

Jesus fuck. Ok let's start by crossing off the obvious fallacies in this utterly idiotic statement. There is nothing special about his size or athleticism. He's an average sized QB with the strength to break tackles in short yardage situations. There is nothing inherently exciting or "distinctive" about his playing style. He's not juking the shit out of linebackers and taking off on 40 yard scrambles ala Michael Vick. His "playmaking knack" never seems to show itself during the first 50 plus minutes of games when he's air mailing throws over receiver's heads. Just because unique circumstances allowed him to score on a couple late game goalline touchdowns, doesn't make him John Elway.

So that leaves us with one intangible that makes Tebow so "easy to root for" His "heart." What exactly defines a player's "heart" you ask? Nothing. It's a totally bullshit adjective used to describe players that the media loves to laud for their ability to succeed under difficult circumstances. Yes, it can be seen as a sort of inherent desire to fight till the final whistle, ability to play through pain, and refusal to give up. Let's be honest though. Don't most successful NFL players possess this trait? I mean do most "superstar" (i.e. nobody on the Miami roster) players in this league just mail it in once they face a deficit. No. Somehow though, when Tim Tebow decides to play hard at the end of the game he shows such great "heart" and "grit" and "scrappyness" and any other number of words used to describe clean-cut all-American white guys that the NFL applauds. Especially ones that are polite, go on global Christian missions, swear off vagina till marriage, and do Pro-life Super Bowl ads with their moms. That is after all what this is about. If we really wanted to talk 24/7 about a compelling young quarterback with a distinctive blend of size, athleticism and playmaking knack taking the league by storm, we'd be talking about Cam Newton. Of course, Newton is black, dances after touchdowns, and probably slammed a coed or two during his brief time at Auburn. He's fun to watch, but certainly not somebody the NFL dreams of being the "face" of their sport.

That presumably is the main reason the NFL "needs" a superstar like Tebow. Football apparently needs a pure, untainted superstar that every kid can look up to when they're playing boring scrappy football and scoring touchdowns that aren't followed by crazy jive dances. A kid you'd hope your son shared a room with in college so they could engage in Friday night bible study, and abstain from promiscuity and binge drinking. A boy you'd welcome to your boring family Thanksgiving. Well I'm here to tell you that is complete bullshit, and I'm pretty sure I speak for most of the NFL's core audience when I say that Tim Tebow's success/failure will not impact my desire to watch football whatsoever. In fact we're totally fine with watching a league of foul mouthed, substance abusing assholes with crazy hair and tattoos, as long as those aforementioned assholes can jump high, run fast, and hit really hard. Or in Tim Tebow's case throw a pretty spiral. Until Tim Tebow can do anything of note on the field that makes football fans go WOW, none of his "intanglibles" will matter. So until that day comes, lets cut out the media slobbering of his virgin ballsack, and just accept that he sucks at playing football.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

As Usual Douchebags are 99% of the Problem.

Following the writing of my "Summer Movie Preview," I've been on a bit of a hiatus from the blogosphere (ok fine 5 months). A large reason for my absence from the world of angry internet ranting is the fact that soon after I incorrectly predicted "Cowboys & Aliens" would be good, I lost my job. Yes despite the fact that I was a model employee for an anonymous major oil corporation not named Shell, Texaco, or Exxon they canned me at a moment's notice. Such is the reality of modern America amidst the recession. Even if you've been working someplace for a while, under the impression that showing up at 915 and taking 30 minute poop breaks after lunch isn't gonna get you axed, your boss may be on the verge of firing just to cut some costs. Anyways once I was back out on the street without a source of income I decided to do what any rational, hard working American would do. I called up a couple of my friends who were also unemployed and suggested that we all road trip to New York City with the intention of taking down the man holding us down. We'd camp out in a park by Wall Street, with clever signs protesting corporate America and make sure our voices got heard by the 1% of Americans that control all the money and power in this country. Seemed like a fool proof plan to ensure this economy was fixed immediately.

Oh wait nevermind...actually I didn't follow that plan of attack since I'M NOT A FUCKING DICKHEAD. Unlike the people who are the subject of this week's Lawn rant: the "Occupy Wall Street" brigade. Jesus Christ these kids should have been aborted. What a bunch of attention starved, spoiled assholes. I can't believe anyone gives these people the time of day. We'll get to their "cause" later but before we address the actual issues supposedly being protested, I think it's important we take a look at the faces of these "victims." For the most part they are people like me. Twenty something children from middle class backgrounds struggling to find jobs in this wretched economy. There are few people actually struggling to put food on their table amongst the crowds of douchebags gathering in NYC parks protesting the "Evil 1%." At least, I assume they could buy some food if they sold their Ipods, Ipads, Macbook Pro or $45 Che Guevara t-shirt they bought online. They probably have savings accounts and credit cards to live off of, and a family member or two willing to give them a roof over their head while they make the effort to idk SEARCH FOR A JOB. You know, that crazy process that involves working on your resume, sending in applications to 500 different companies hoping for one interview, and taking the initiative to find work anywhere that'll pay you peanuts. Of course there is not really any time to do any of these things when you are busy making witty signs, dressing up like George Washington and organizing drum circles around a tent.

I'm sure a lot of people are probably like "Waaaah! But I HAVE tried to get a job and I can't! It's such a struggle! My degree should ensure me a job!" Yeah sorry not the case buddy. I saw one asshole with a sign that said "My sign would be better if my school hadn't cut our art funding." Umm...well there's one problem chief...you have a fucking ART degree. What exactly does that qualify you to do? Newsflash fuckface, no matter how much the corporate hierarchy changes, the ability to discern between Monet" paintings is never gonna have employers drooling at the prospect of bringing you on board. I know you thought your summer in Munich would really prepare you for the real world, but now it turns out that minor in German isn't a great resume bullet point. Shoulda taken Spanish so you could at least help run your uncle's landscaping firm. We are living in a world where experienced lawyers and business professionals can't keep their jobs. Do you really believe your shitbag liberal arts degree in Sub-Saharan anthropology means you're OWED a job? It doesn't.

Of course the real question is what exactly are these Generation Y asshats trying to accomplish with their protests? What is the "cause?" Better yet what is the "injustice" that you are raging against the machine in the name of? If you ask one of these Occupy revolutionaries, they will give you some rambling stoned answer about "Corporate Greed" and "Taking the power out of the hands of the 1%" and any other number of slogans ready for a Vespa bumper sticker. None of them actually know what the problem with our economy is any more than you or I do. They certainly don't have a "solution." Basically the gripe is "The rich are filthy rich and control all the wealth...and continue to be swimming in Scrooge McDuck piles of gold while the rest of us struggle." Yeah well....that's the way it's always been. Ain't gonna change any time soon. As I've mentioned before, protesting is an absolutely fruitless labor. No corporate CEOs wiping their ass with Ben Franklin's face are gonna go "oooooh look at all those angry kids with cardboard signs, better fix the way we do business ASAP." You're wasting your time. Protesting has never gotten one unemployed person hired in the history of the planet, and something tells me your efforts are gonna come up just as empty.

So what should you do? I don't know, maybe the same thing I did. You know me, an English major with an absolutely useless liberal arts degree who somehow found a way to get a job in this shit economy. Yeah it fucking took forever and yeah it pissed me off on a daily basis. Yeah I spent many nights crying into a bottle of Evan Williams while listening to Blues records (maybe should have left that part out). I dealt with it though . By doing everything within my power all day, every day to find SOMETHING I was qualified to do. You OWS shitheads should try doing the same. It may not be that dream job that "gives you a sense of fullfillment" or "challenges you" that you cockfaces these days long for. I guarantee however, there is some way you can make yourself a productive member of society, that doesn't involve making signs and yelling at rich people. Stop occupying city parks and corporate sidewalks, and go occupy a staffing agency. Pretty sure they have a better shot at landing you a job than your smelly bongo bandmate does anytime soon.