Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: THE DECEMBERISTS

Since I don't really make the effort to go out of my way to listen to modern shitty music, It's not easy for me to instantly think up every band that sucks balls of the top of my head. So sometimes I have to do some research. Maybe I skim the SXSW lineup headliners. Check out the week's late night performers. Throw back a couple PBRs with some bearded dudes in Buddy Holly bifocals at the local pool hall and see what they throw on the jukebox (Just kidding I would never do that). Sometimes however, I can just stumble into the week's BTSB entry without too much effort. Like this week for instance. I opened up Rolling Stone's review section and noted that they had just given this band's new album a four star rating. Then I found out that this very same rock band debuted at number 1 this week on the billboard charts and sold 100,000 copies. Whoa. A band that got a great review in Rolling Stone AND is the highest selling album in America..? Wait..and they have a stupid name that refers to some obscure cultural event they learned about during their liberal arts college experience? Well that was easy. This band undoubtedly blows. I give you this week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE DECEMBERISTS.

These guys are right out of a "5 hipsters walk into a bar" joke. If you're putting together your stereotypical hipster entourage, what do you need? Fedoras, fat guys, beards, retro frame glasses, and an ugly bitch. In some combination. Well lets see here. We've got three fedoras. Two sets of retro framed glasses, two fat guys, one beard and an ugly bitch with bangs. Done. Including one super-douche with a beard, retro glasses, a fedora AND an ironic bow tie to boot. Man these guys are just chomping at the bit to rock our balls off with their unique brand of um..lets see...

"Upbeat pop, instrumentally lush ballads...employing instruments like the accordian, organs, andd upright bass...eschewing angst and introspection in favor of a storytelling approach..Critics compare them to Neutral Milk Hotel"

So to translate that incoherent sentence of bullshit for you...BOOOOOOWRING. Why does every fucking hipster band have to employ an accordian and an upright bass? It's like the musical pioneer that inspired all future generations of indie hipster bands was an Italian jazz restaurant owner in Williamsburg NY. Also just to clarify, "Neutral Milk Hotel" is not to be confused with their alt-folk-pop counterparts "Negative Heavy Cream Inn."

Delving further into their background I found that The Decemberists are from Portland, Oregon which explains so much more. Portland, Oregon is like Austin if UT didn't exist, SXSW were held year round in a rain storm, and they didn't have the term "Texas" attached to their name. They even have a comedy-short based show coming out on IFC to up their indie cred ( Anyways, I digress. I was also curious as to how they came up with their stupid name. The Decemberists? Is this because they are dark and solemn like the month of December at all times? Nah that'd be too obvious. Clearly they were named after an 1800's Russian uprising and acccompanying unfinished Tolstoy novel based upon it's events. Clearly the band hit it off studying Soviet Literature 200 during their life-changing study abroad experience in Moscow. What a bunch of douchebags. "Ohhh we're so cultured. We used to read Tolstoy and buy beer for 20 Rubles at the local's like a corner store street vendor, they have them everywhere in MOSKVA." Kill yourselves.

The Decemberists' Tolstoy-inspired brand of communist indie rock can best be described as alt-folk ensemble storyteller rock. Take the worst Neil Young song you can think of, except picture four Neil Youngs singing in unison, and add an accordian solo to compliment the harmonica and depressing lyrics. At least Neil Young sang about doing heroin and protesting the Vietnam war. That's KIND OF an intriguing story being told over the snorefest that is your acoustic guitar and harmonica. Well the Decemberists claim their drug of choice is "Orangina" (I'm not making this up) and their rocking jams tell stories about the most boring and mundane fictional characters ever. Depressed housewives, Turkish gypsies, architects, the pharmacist at your CVS. Totally lame. Not only that, they up the pretentious art-rock douche factor by naming their storytale rock in the most complex, unrevealing manner possible. I can only imagine the awesomeness encompassed in the listening experience of their 2009 classic: "The Hazards of Love 1 (The Prettiest Whistles Won't Wrestle the Thistles Undone)." God how do you assholes ever get a chance to breath in the studio amidst inhalling the smell of your own farts 24/7?

The only positive aspect about most hipster indie-rock is generally the fact that it just that..Indie. Not mainstream. Not often exposed to my eardrums. I get pissed off enough hearing about "rock" bands like The Decemberists. I would hate actually being forced to listen to their shitty accordian organ folk rock dog excrement on a daily basis. So please stop assholes like this from starting a movement and invading our mainstream with an influx of horrendous ensemble noise rock. Basically, if you see a crowd of bearded guys in fedoras and an ugly bitch with bangs about to purchase an accordion and upright bass in an antique shop this weekend, knock them unconscious and tie them up in the nearest alley immediately. You'll be doing our nation's airwaves a great favor.


  1. I find it funny how you can hate on a band based upon an album cover. Please tell me this is a joke!

  2. Amen. I live in Portland and these pretentious anachronistic folk bands are everywhere. Usually they just stink up our street corners but some Dick decided the decemberists needed national attention.
    Personally I think the singers voice is the crowning fungus on the turd.

  3. All would be forgiven if there music were actually good - or even interesting - or even if they displayed a fair bit of talent.

    But no.

    Not good. Rather unimaginative and super derivative, boring, no real talent here.

    What happened to American exceptionalism? Hey the Brits and Americans bascialy invented rock and roll, a new kind of guitar?

    Sad to say that the first part of the millenium all the good creativity was in - gasp! - rap and hip hop - but even those douches have jumped the shark.

    There are some good American bits here and there, but there isn't a single movement worth listening to.

  4. whoever wrote this is the biggest douche bag in the world

  5. wow gotta love the ignorance of people these day eh. This band is much more famous, talented, and just out right better than the writer of this will ever be. How many top selling albums have you written? These are very talented musicians that have had actual training, and they are huge. To all you haters, your ignorance stinks and has no facts to back up your position. Your post is not just a "gripe" you seem like you are telling people "how it is" and that your opinion is anywhere remotely correct. Next your going to say that Arcade Fire is a "BTSB" (aka really not a great title for your whatever you want to call this section).

  6. Decemberist's are the WORST. From the first moment I heard that whingy whining singer with the fake British accent I knew this was a band I didn't just dislike, but truly despised. Thank god KEXP is no longer flogging this garbage on their airwaves, I had to stop listening to that station for a while as a result. Neutral Milk Hotel are just one step above them imo.

    Anyone that sticks up for them are basically saying "Look at me, I'm a Douche with no musical taste, and I'm completely oblivious to this fact"

  7. Haha you are so right. They suck, saw them live at Bonaroo. I pretty much like everything as far as music goes but they left a bad taste in my mouth. The singer talks too much on stage and he is incredibly annoying. The music is unoriginal and extremely boring with no real song writing talent. I really don't understand how this band is able to support itself.

  8. Hipster Indie Rock band sucks ass. In other news, water is wet.

  9. I found your site recently and have read most of the bands that suck posts. I agree with about half of what you say about music, I agree with almost nothing you say ethically and yet, I love all of these posts because they are just so funny! Even some of the bands I like that you rail on are still funny to read because there is some truth behind it. You area funny man, don't change a thing.

  10. Im just happy that literally thousands of people love the decemberists and only a few dozen have read your piece of shit blog. You are human trash.

  11. You might want to consider getting a life. I mean, you're really old, right? Gonna die pretty soon, relatively speaking. You probably don't want to waste what little time you have left doing stuff like this (looking for reasons to hate something and trying to be amusing at making fun of it). Just not terribly fulfilling.

    On the other hand, I believe anyone who calls a complete stranger who never did one thing to him an "ugly bitch" deserves a miserable, shortened life. So rock on!

  12. Thank god you're here!.... Bands - and I use that term loosely - like this one, are an offense to anyone with ears and a brain. So sad that there are dimwits so feeble minded as to somehow (I can't understand it!) amused or entertained in even a remote way by this dripping excrement.
    ...At least I found your blog and take some comfort in that!

  13. Thank you. The Decemberists are one of the most painfully shitty bands on earth.

  14. 6.5 years later and this article is still perfect.

  15. I agree completely! I am so glad in my teens and young adult life we had actual great bands playing balls to the walls rock and roll. Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath and many more. It would be so embarrassing to say I grew up listening to pretentious hipster crap like The Decemberist, Grizzly Bear and St Vincent. Rock is truly dead! The Decemberist makes The Dave Matthews Band sound respectable and I never liked The Dave Matthews Band.

  16. My music snob buddy came over gushing about this band a few years back.
    I respect his opinion, so I gave it spin.
    Yeah, awful. Brutally awful. Haven’t heard them in years and I couldn’t be happier about it.
    BTW, the “4 Neil Young’s” bit had me in stitches, I love the guys songs but his voice and playing are an affront to the ears.