New pictures added to the album: "We Drank Beer at a Bar Again"

This past weekend was Halloween which means of course come Monday there were a billion new photo albums up on facebook documenting how much fun everybody I knew had over the weekend playing dress-up. I guess Halloween is a reasonable occasion to document with a few snapshots. After all you only get to dress like a clever pop culture reference or whore in knee high socks once a year. You're allowed a couple cute photo memories of the event. For the most part however, the same people who posted pictures of Hallow's Eve weekend...make photo albums for..EVERY weekend. Their entire mundane life needs to be documented with a snapshot for every moment. These Facebook picture people fucking piss me off.

Do you remember back before photo albums could be "uploaded" onto your computer? Back when pictures had to kept and bound in a thick, heavy book? Well your mom does. Back in those days, unless you had a living room the size of the local library, there were only so many family photo albums you could keep on your shelves. So pictures and the albums they would eventually fill were saved only for certain occasions. You know..a unique and special event. Christmas. Birthdays. Bringing home the family puppy. You know..something actually SPECIAL and worth documenting. They didn't make a photo album for the weekly Thursday night out at Applebees. Those were the days. Then the internet, digital cameras, mobile uploading and Facebook came along. You could now conceivably record every moment of your life and share it with the world. Show everyone how much fun you're having on a weekly basis. Even if nobody could give a damn about your shitty insignificant existence, you now had the chance to force people to see what a blast you and your loser friends had at happy hour.

I've addressed you party picture people briefly before in facebook/status message posts but you really deserved your own personal rant. On my list of people that need to be put on the fast track to death by legal injection it pretty much goes child molesters, Al Quaeda, then YOU. Do you have to put up 77 new pictures of your fun escapades EVERY...FUCKING..WEEK? That many pictures is totally fine if they make up the album "Summer 2010." Over the course of a season, or a semester I can see you experiencing 50+ moments you wanted to remember. Not one normal evening out on the town though. Oh look you went to a bar. Oh look here's a pic of you guys sitting at the bar. Oh look here's a pic of you guys sitting at the bar looking sad because the tap was being changed. Oh here's a pic of that tray of fruity shots you guys ordered. SO INTRIGUING! I can't waaaait to click forward to the next frame of your unique Friday adventure!

These stupid cuntbags also feel the need to label EVERY picture with a funny caption. "This is right after Brooke put her life savings in the jukebox" is the label for the picture of Brooke and her twatbox friend posing by the jukebox with silly facial expressions. ZOMG!! YOU WENT TO A BAR AND PLAYED SONGS ON A JUKEBOX!! Clearly this is the first time you have experienced such an amazing moment and you needed to document it. "This is where things got out of hand..." is written under the picture of kamikaze shots. Clearly nothing got out of hand you fucking liar. I know this because you were still able to take 43 more pictures of you and your entourage of fellow assclowns being completely average and boring at a bar on Friday night.

Do you ever wonder if your parents partied back when they were still free-spirited youngsters in their 20s? You know back before they did society a horrible disservice by bringing you into this world. Well they did. They cruised around in their rad thunderbirds or camaros bouncing from club to club. They got shithoused at pool parties. They..you know...enjoyed life. Have you seen many pictures of your folks during their days as wild and crazy dudes? No. You know why there were no pictures taken of your mom's super fun friday nights? She was too busy doing blow with your dad and grinding to "KC and the Sunshine band" to take a snapshot. Too busy actually having a good time. Have you ever seen pictures of old rock bands partying? They're never actually facing the camera. They're too busy doing something rad like chugging a bottle of Jack or groping a groupie. Not standing in a line posing with their Miller Lites like you pack of toolboxes. If Keith Richards was put in charge of a camera and a facebook account in the 70s, every week there would be a new photo album entitled "random pictures of the floor and various objects I knocked over."

Since you have friends that may be bigger losers than you that comment "cuuuute!!" or "Love this pic!!! :)" on all of your dull, unexciting photos, I don't expect this ridiculous behavior to stop. So I'll just go ahead and delete you from my newsfeed. Or just...NOT look at your stupid pictures. Because I've seen them before and they're fucking boring. I don't need to be reminded of how much a loser you are every Monday morning. Take your digital camera and shove it up your ass. Maybe I should upload a pic of me taking a dump into a photo album and tag you in it, because that activity is actually far more interesting than anything you participated in last weekend.

GROUP SHOT!!!!! :)

I often joke around about "Bros" on this website and their general douchebaggery, but where would bros be without their female counterpart: The Whore? Well thankfully some sites on the web have begun to document the various traits of these bimbo sluts. You know them from your facebook newsfeeds, and from overhearing them recount their epic party weekend at the office water cooler. I admit that this inspired my friend and I to rant about many of the things that are stereotypical whore characteristics/interests that other people may have overlooked.

Daddy

Whores don't generally have high paying jobs. After all they are fucking dumb AND lazy so they are pretty much content to stay in their entry level office position and not get promoted while they wait around to marry someone rich. Whores however, need to party all the time which requires funding. They need to party on boats. They need to go on vacation in foreign countres. They need to pay the $20 cover to see DJ Fuego at Club Kha-OS and pay for the cocaine needed to fully enjoy DJ Fuego. This of course is all funded by "Daddy" who is a rich scumbag who feels that the only way to maintain his close relationship with his whore daughter is by forking over his checkbook and platinum Mastercard. Normal people if you ever had an "allowance" stopped receiving one once you were you know ...old enough to earn your own spending money working at Blockbuster. Whores however, receive allowances well into their mid to late 20s. Only now their allowance is called "money to live on." Apparently daddy tells himself that $1000 a month is needed for princess to buy groceries.

Talking shit about Mom

Since Daddy is the one that funds the party, whores always love their fathers. Mommy however, gets to be the butt of every whore joke told. Whores love to talk about what trainwrecks their mother is. If you believe a whore's flattering description of her mother, mommy is some sort of disaster hybrid of the real housewives of Jersey/Courtney Love. Mommy is always wasted on white wine. Mommy is always saying stupid shit. Mommy is beloved by her whore daughter and all of her whore friends for her daily stupidity. Since mommy is not respected she gets called by her actual name or some nickname variation. A typical whore mommy discussion:

Slut 1: OMG do you know what Sue-Sue said at Thanksgiving in front of EVERYONE??

Slut 2: OMG WHAT??

Slut 1: She was obvi wasted on like 5 bottles of chardonnay and was like "Now Linds you and Jen- Jen need to be careful tomorrow for her birthday, don't end up in jail like Miley Cyrus!!"

Slut 2: OMG UM Sue-Sue you mean Lindsay Lohan....?

Slut 1: YEAH WRONG CELEB MOM!! DUH!! LOL LOL. Stupid bitch.

Slut 2: LMAO!! HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SUE-SUE.

Top 40 Radio

Top 40 radio is fucking awful, but is also by definition the most popular music on the airwaves. So WHO you might ask...supports this shitty bubblegum pop garbage..? Whores. Whores will tell you they like real rock bands. After all they own a cute Rolling Stones baby doll crop top, even though they can't name a single song other than "Satisfaction" (which they played at like..the Super Bowl). They don't. They like pop music. Whores are too stupid to seek out good music, or develop good taste so they just like whatever songs are played at parties/clubs. Once they have had a positive experience with a pop song (i.e. made out with hot guy to Chris Brown/T-Pain collabo jam), they run to the store with daddy's plastic and charge $15 to buy the whole cd. Then they pop the cd in their car and listen to the jam on repeat while driving around with their other slut buddies in oversized sunglasses. Now when that sweet Katy Perry jam comes on while they're partying tonight, they can all scream the lyrics in drunken unison and dance in step like some fucking trainwreck version of The Supremes.

Comparing Themselves to Celebrity Whores

Whores, just like everybody else in the world, need role models. Since whores love reading "Perez Hilton" they find these heroes to aspire to in the form of celebrity whores. Just like the whores themselves, celebrity whores like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton love to party hard, get their picture taken partying hard, and party till they have fallen on their ass with their mini skirt over their head and their coochie in public view. On the rare occasion when they're not comparing their whore posse to the cast of "Sex and the City" whores are comparing themselves to these shitshows. When one whore is not around, her whore buddies will judge her and discuss which celebrity whore she should be designated in the group.

Twat 1: OMG Marie totally knocked over 2 Crantinis on that table and then made out with that GROSS guy last night. I'm just gonna start calling her Britney jr.

Twat 2: ROTFL. I mean we already have our Lindsay Lohan in your redheaded ass!! LOL.

Twat 3: Am I Paris cus I am the tallest bitch in this crew. LOL.

(The whores will then inevitably tell you how them and their friends should have their own reality TV show)

Having "Meaningful" tatoos

I have fucking stupid tatoos. When I was in high school I got drunk and decided they were a good idea (they weren't). I will openly acknowledge how retarded my tatoos are. Whores however, despite being dumb as rocks, don't like to acknowledge their own stupidity. If they have a tatoo it is ALWAYS meaningful, despite the fact that the only people that see this meaningful statement imprinted on their body are dudes that bang them. They have Curious George tatooed right above their panties because that was their favorite book that daddy use to read them. Their Grandpa died, and he was Irish so a shamrock with the date above their ass seemed like a touching tribute. I'm sure your Grandpa's dying wishes went something like this:

"I really hope that my sweet little Cindy gets some ink on her lower back that pays tribute to me. That way when some guy is banging her from behind this weekend he can behold how much she loved GrandPappy. Otherwise I didn't help raise her right"

Religious tattoos are especially popular amongst whores, because they love to pretend they are religious even though they violate the rules of the gospel every weekend. They like...went to church three times this year, and heard one Bible quote that really resonated with how they should deal with adversity in life. Probably should get a tattoo of it on their hip. Their devout love of Jesus will peek out when they wear that slutty Catholic school girl outfit for Halloween.

Group Photos

Normal people like to take pictures on special occassions. Somebody got engaged. It's New Years. It's a birthday party. Hell, if it's been a long time since you've seen your friends from college who live in another state, yeah totally fine for you to take a dozen snapshots together. Whores however, take pictures of FUCKING EVERYTHING. We're at brunch. Group shot!! We're shopping. Group shot!! We're at the club, cocktails in hand. Group Shot!! How many fucking variations of the same picture do you need to have? I've seen this shit before. There's 8 of you. You are positioned next to your very best bestie who you're "engaged/married to" on Facebook (Seriously why do girls do this..? It's fucking stupid. Somebody out there might actually think you're a Lesbo/off the market). You all smile. CUUUUUUTE! This is especially infuriating at a bar. I am trying to get a fucking drink. Can you have your fucking reunion shot in front of the bar later? Also I don't want to do you a favor and take a picture of your crew of whores so you can IMMEDIATELY mobile upload this from your IPhone and show the world how much whore fun you're having. You know you have one token ugly friend who doesn't fit in the picture. Have her snap this shit for you. Stupid whores.