Monday, May 9, 2011

Top Reasons Mom is Rad

I was going to write this obvious post yesterday, but unfortunately I just moved into a new apartment with no internet yet, so I had to wait till Monday morning to pay tribute to mom. Anyways, as everyone knows, yesterday was Mother's Day and assuming you aren't a complete dickhead with no soul (i.e. a Nickelback fan) you probably did something nice for the lady that raised your ass. At the very least, you gave her a call to tell her how awesome she was, and you arranged some way to get her flowers. I mean even I accomplished this, and I'm the asshole who's been thrown out of a bar on Mother's day for "making a scene" at noon (#Winning). I digress. At any rate, the bottom line is mothers are ridiculously awesome, and we should all appreciate everything they've done for our ungrateful asses over the years. Which is why at least once a year we pay tribute to them. As I'm going to do now with The Lawn's Top Reasons Mom is Fucking Rad.

1. Moms say the Darndest Things

Before we get to all the sappy, nice things we appreciate about our mothers, lets be real for a minute. Can we all just admit that each of us spends at least a couple hours a week making fun of how crazy their mother is? I mean...I know I do. The fact of the matter is every woman who has gone through labor at some a little batshit nuts (Reason #252662 I hope neither Palin or Hillary gets elected president). I don't know what it is. I assume the more children you have, the crazier you are, which is why my mother (whose only pride and joy was yours truly), is slightly less insane than the mothers of some of my Catholic friends. First of all, if your mom hasn't heard from you in over 48 hours, she immediately comes to the conclusion that you are dead. It's a fact. I mean there's never a logical explanation for you forgetting to return one voicemail from your mom over a weekend, were busy enjoying your weekend. No you definitely got sauced up and drove your car off of a bridge (Certain Rad weekends, I admit..this thought is not THAT far-fetched). Mothers also like having views on political/social issues which can be another powder keg. Especially if there is wine involved at a family gathering (mothers love voicing opinions drunk). One second, the same woman who didn't approve of racial profiling at airports, has decided to share with the table her belief that all Arabs are terrorists that shouldn't be given green cards in America. Finally, moms love using clever sayings in everyday conversation...and 75% of the time they deliver the saying completely wrong. For example my mom likes to regale me with stories of how the waiter at dinner last night was "Queer as a dollar bill." I've stopped bothering to explain to her that there is in fact nothing strange about a dollar bill, and that say..a three dollar bill would be "queer." Using logic with a mother is simply too much work.

2. Moms believe EVERYTHING

With apologies to those of you from single parent households (With extra-Rad moms)the five greatest words a child can hear growing up (especially a boy) are "I won't tell your father." That phrase is essentially a "Get out of jail free" card for us little troublemakers. This is because we know if we do something bad, and dad catches wind of it, we are totally fucked. You can't rationalize bad shit to dad, he is always just gonna assume you were in the wrong because you are a bratty asshole (fair assumption). He knows that your art teacher didn't call the house to complain about your behavior, because you "politely asked to be excused from detention." Pops can totally see through that bullshit. That's why when you got in trouble you always told ONLY mom first. Mom's believe anything their little angel tells them. You can totally spin some bullshit story rationalizing anything you did, and your mother will buy at least 50% of it. For example, in 6th grade back in ancient times when kids still looked at Playboys, my mom found my Jenny McCarthy centerfolds stashed inside my Street & Smiths NFL preview. When she asked me "what's this" (idk why moms phrase all inquiries this wtf do you think it is mom, it's a naked blonde in a shower) I had a logical explanation. I had lent said football magazine to my friend Ian O'Connell up the street (neighborhood dweeb) and he must have slipped nudie mags in there before returning it to me. She totally bought it. This of course became a go-to excuse for the rest of time ("Uh yeah mom, you see I lent Justin my jacket and...he must have slipped his marijuana pipe in my inside pocket. Weird."). If I ever need somebody to testify on my behalf at trial Mom is at the top of the list.

3. Moms are Domestic Goddesses

I know this may come as news to many of you younger folks, but there was once a time (a "horrible, oppressive" time for the ladies I might add) when women were solely responsible for cooking and cleaning in the house. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm telling the God honest truth. Not only that, women took pride in this role. That's why nobody can whip up a meal and make a floor look shinier than mom. Seriously have you ever seen how fast a mom can make a house spotless? It's ridiculous. I try to clean my place like once a month and usually it takes me a solid day to make my home look presentable. Moms just roll into a pigsty and can make the joint look brand new in like 30 minutes. "la la la, scrub this, vacuum that, do some dishes" BOOM. DONE. As for cooking? Forget about it. There's a reason mom's home cooking tastes so much better than anything else you've tasted in your life. Moms make everything literally fresh from scratch. There's no pre-processed crap in mom's cooking. You see back in the day when mom learned to cook she didn't have a million packaged ready-made meal items at her disposal. If you wanted wild rice with your meal, mom actually chopped up onions and mixed together spices and made it. She didn't just pour a Rice-a-Roni country rice pack into a pot and follow the easy to read directions on the box (This is why mom recipes don't have real measurements just "pinches" and "splashes" of ingredients). Mom actually slaved over some sort of Rad Mexican casserole dish for dinner, she didn't just buy the Tex-Mex "Hamburger Helper." Seriously if you find yourself a woman that operates at 1/3 of the domestic efficiency of your mom..put a ring on that shit...immediately.

4. She like...carried you for 9 months in the womb and such

Probably the greatest thing about being a man (along with the ability to piss outside anywhere at a moment's notice) is the fact that we can't get knocked up. Seriously being pregnant must FUCKING SUCK. Can you imagine just having to quit drinking and smoking at the drop of a dime as soon as you got the results of some test you peed on? Oh sorry, I meant quit drinking and smoking for NINE STRAIGHT MONTHS?? I would shoot myself. I mean even rehab is only 30 days, and then you can get back to the party. If I go nine days without said vices I am likely to develop homicidal tendencies. Then there's the minor factor of you ballooning up and carrying all this weight you're not used to carrying because you have some little asshole growing inside of you. I mean other than Tyler Perry, what man would want to spend 3/4 of their year walking around in a fat suit? NOBODY. No wonder pregnant women are always irrationally pissed off at their spouses. "Oh sorry I'm a little cranky today but...I HAVEN'T HAD A FUCKING BEER OR CIGARETTE IN 5 MONTHS AND I LOOK LIKE A WHALE YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE!" Then of course there's the whole procedure of "going into labor" which I've heard is basically like being kicked in the dick repeatedly for eight straight hours. No wonder they call that shit "labor" sounds like some fucking serious work to me. Yeah moms go through all these sacrifices, and put up with all this bullshit, just so they can bring you into this world (You of course repaid her by crying about shit immediately upon arival). That's pretty Rad.

So the next time you're annoyed with your mom for bitching about you not calling enough, or telling you retarded boring anecdotes with no point, or being politically incorrect at the dinner table post Chardonnay #5, think about these things. Remember for all their minor faults, your mom is pretty badass. So no matter what, treat your mother right:


  1. All right on. Love the tyler perry quip BTW.

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