Tuesday, October 18, 2011

As Usual Douchebags are 99% of the Problem.

Following the writing of my "Summer Movie Preview," I've been on a bit of a hiatus from the blogosphere (ok fine 5 months). A large reason for my absence from the world of angry internet ranting is the fact that soon after I incorrectly predicted "Cowboys & Aliens" would be good, I lost my job. Yes despite the fact that I was a model employee for an anonymous major oil corporation not named Shell, Texaco, or Exxon they canned me at a moment's notice. Such is the reality of modern America amidst the recession. Even if you've been working someplace for a while, under the impression that showing up at 915 and taking 30 minute poop breaks after lunch isn't gonna get you axed, your boss may be on the verge of firing just to cut some costs. Anyways once I was back out on the street without a source of income I decided to do what any rational, hard working American would do. I called up a couple of my friends who were also unemployed and suggested that we all road trip to New York City with the intention of taking down the man holding us down. We'd camp out in a park by Wall Street, with clever signs protesting corporate America and make sure our voices got heard by the 1% of Americans that control all the money and power in this country. Seemed like a fool proof plan to ensure this economy was fixed immediately.

Oh wait nevermind...actually I didn't follow that plan of attack since I'M NOT A FUCKING DICKHEAD. Unlike the people who are the subject of this week's Lawn rant: the "Occupy Wall Street" brigade. Jesus Christ these kids should have been aborted. What a bunch of attention starved, spoiled assholes. I can't believe anyone gives these people the time of day. We'll get to their "cause" later but before we address the actual issues supposedly being protested, I think it's important we take a look at the faces of these "victims." For the most part they are people like me. Twenty something children from middle class backgrounds struggling to find jobs in this wretched economy. There are few people actually struggling to put food on their table amongst the crowds of douchebags gathering in NYC parks protesting the "Evil 1%." At least, I assume they could buy some food if they sold their Ipods, Ipads, Macbook Pro or $45 Che Guevara t-shirt they bought online. They probably have savings accounts and credit cards to live off of, and a family member or two willing to give them a roof over their head while they make the effort to idk SEARCH FOR A JOB. You know, that crazy process that involves working on your resume, sending in applications to 500 different companies hoping for one interview, and taking the initiative to find work anywhere that'll pay you peanuts. Of course there is not really any time to do any of these things when you are busy making witty signs, dressing up like George Washington and organizing drum circles around a tent.

I'm sure a lot of people are probably like "Waaaah! But I HAVE tried to get a job and I can't! It's such a struggle! My degree should ensure me a job!" Yeah sorry not the case buddy. I saw one asshole with a sign that said "My sign would be better if my school hadn't cut our art funding." Umm...well there's one problem chief...you have a fucking ART degree. What exactly does that qualify you to do? Newsflash fuckface, no matter how much the corporate hierarchy changes, the ability to discern between Monet" paintings is never gonna have employers drooling at the prospect of bringing you on board. I know you thought your summer in Munich would really prepare you for the real world, but now it turns out that minor in German isn't a great resume bullet point. Shoulda taken Spanish so you could at least help run your uncle's landscaping firm. We are living in a world where experienced lawyers and business professionals can't keep their jobs. Do you really believe your shitbag liberal arts degree in Sub-Saharan anthropology means you're OWED a job? It doesn't.

Of course the real question is what exactly are these Generation Y asshats trying to accomplish with their protests? What is the "cause?" Better yet what is the "injustice" that you are raging against the machine in the name of? If you ask one of these Occupy revolutionaries, they will give you some rambling stoned answer about "Corporate Greed" and "Taking the power out of the hands of the 1%" and any other number of slogans ready for a Vespa bumper sticker. None of them actually know what the problem with our economy is any more than you or I do. They certainly don't have a "solution." Basically the gripe is "The rich are filthy rich and control all the wealth...and continue to be swimming in Scrooge McDuck piles of gold while the rest of us struggle." Yeah well....that's the way it's always been. Ain't gonna change any time soon. As I've mentioned before, protesting is an absolutely fruitless labor. No corporate CEOs wiping their ass with Ben Franklin's face are gonna go "oooooh look at all those angry kids with cardboard signs, better fix the way we do business ASAP." You're wasting your time. Protesting has never gotten one unemployed person hired in the history of the planet, and something tells me your efforts are gonna come up just as empty.

So what should you do? I don't know, maybe the same thing I did. You know me, an English major with an absolutely useless liberal arts degree who somehow found a way to get a job in this shit economy. Yeah it fucking took forever and yeah it pissed me off on a daily basis. Yeah I spent many nights crying into a bottle of Evan Williams while listening to Blues records (maybe should have left that part out). I dealt with it though . By doing everything within my power all day, every day to find SOMETHING I was qualified to do. You OWS shitheads should try doing the same. It may not be that dream job that "gives you a sense of fullfillment" or "challenges you" that you cockfaces these days long for. I guarantee however, there is some way you can make yourself a productive member of society, that doesn't involve making signs and yelling at rich people. Stop occupying city parks and corporate sidewalks, and go occupy a staffing agency. Pretty sure they have a better shot at landing you a job than your smelly bongo bandmate does anytime soon.


  1. That's what I call a triumphant return to the blogosphere. That made it worthwhile to read the "Lawn Summer Movie Preview" headline a couple times over summer. Speaking of summer, I spent the entire time from May to September TRYING TO FIND A JOB. It wasn't especially easy with my sociology degree and I had to do a lot of yard/bitchwork to avoid leaching off of somebody else. Eventually an opportunity came up in a city where I knew nobody, and I took it. Does that make me the 1%?

  2. Thank you! I'm a teenager in university, and I see all these liberal arts majors (I'm thankfully studying a professional field, Nursing) wanking off about how we need to take the power back. Bitches, cry me a river. My parents worked their asses off in college/real estate when they were in their twenties and onward while others their age were involved in similar protests and binge drinking. Now my parents are part of the happy-go-lucky "1 percent" mansion-owning winners because they have degrees and were willing to do menial labor to climb the ladders. I think the most disturbing thing I've seen of OWS is the amount of misspelled words on signs. You'd think with their liberal arts degrees they'd at least be able to figure SPELLING out. And spreading the message on Apple products through large business' websites? lolol. These people are trolling themselves.

  3. Dead on my friend, the occupy crowd are just a bunch of whiny self serving fucks who think that somebody with a job and success owes them something solely for existing.


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