Monday, April 25, 2011

I wanna ride a damn triceratops already.

Sorry I've been MIA on the blogosphere for over a week now. It was wishful thinking that I would return from my Rad weekend in NYC and immediately be able to motivate myself to start writing semi-coherent rant posts again immediately. Clearly needed a little bit of detox/brain recovery time to get back in the swing. Anyways, this weekend I was sitting around flipping through the tube and stumbled upon Jurassic Park. I hadn't watched this classic Rad flick and forever and was reminded how it is a futuristic popcorn flick that is still as awesome today as when it was released. That's because dinosaurs no longer how old you get are always fucking Rad as shit. There are certain things as a dude that you were allowed to be nerdy about growing up and along with NFL stats, and obscure songs in Led Zeppelin's catalog, dinosaurs is one of them. Every guy fucking loved dinosaurs when they were kids and still appreciates them today. I mean really if you don't appreciate giant pre-historic monster creatures eating each other alive, you are not a man in my book. Anyways, this got me to thinking. Jurassic Park came out almost 20 years ago (1993). Yet today....with all the "scientific breakthroughs" we see every year...we still have not reconstructed dinosaurs. So I ask you..WTF is the holdup?

It's absolutely mind boggling that scientists have not come up with a way to reconstruct dinosaurs yet. I mean seriously how fucking hard is it? It's all laid out in Jurassic park. Get some like preserved mosquitos that used to live off dino blood back in the cretaceous period. Extract dino DNA. Put it in some eggs, refridgerate eggs. Hatch dinosaurs. Boom. Donzo. This is not rocket science people. I mean I'm sure it's not quite THAT simple and might take more than a 6th grade science kit with a couple petri dishes to accomplish it, but still there's no way it can be too difficult. Lets just say I'm sure that five Asian bio-chem majors from Harvard can figure out a way to make this happen extracting DNA and mixing together fossilized molecules and shit. I'm convinced that this just isn't a high priority on the "brilliant scientific research" docket. You're telling me cloning sheep is somehow possible and we can't re-create velociraptors? Yeah right. Clearly scientists just think that recreating dinosaurs is some sort of pointless endeavor that contributes nothing to society. Well I'm here to tell you that those assholes are wrong and that dinosaurs would greatly enhance our lives.

How would a real life Jurassic Park enhance our lives? Um hello. That would be the most popular animal attraction in history. Instant stunting of our economy. Do you know how many people go to the zoo every year? Or to aquariums? Or fucking "Sea World" to watch dolphins bounce beach balls off their noses and catch fish while doing backflips? BILLIONS. All of these aforementioned animal attractions are Snoozeville, USA compared to the potential of a Rad dinosaur park. Every person in the country would pay $100 to go to a dino park over any other animal park. Have you been to the zoo lately? SO BOWWWRING. I don't care what you say, no guy really enjoys going to the zoo. It's a cute date event for like walking around while a chick "oohs" and "ahhs" over all the cute animals. Lets be real though...once you've seen one baby panda you've seen them all. "Awwww did you the new pictures of Chin Li the panda?? :)" Yeah..he looks exactly the same as Min Cho the baby panda from last year. The aquarium? "Well we saw the shark exhibit...that was 10 minutes well spent, time to go home." I mean who the hell really wants to look at Manatees floating around? Sea World is awesome too. "oh cool the same giant fucking whale in a massive pool I've seen for the last 30 yrs splashing the crowd." I saw Shamu 1, I'm pretty sure Shamu 7 doesn't do any tricks significantly different from his mom I saw perform in 1988.

Basically every dinosaur is a completely rad version of a boring modern animal. "Oh look a giraffe. He has a long neck and can eat leaves off a tree standing up." Big fucking deal. You want to look at a Rad giraffe? Bring me a brontosaurus. You know, a giraffe that is the size of a building, weighs 5000 pounds and can actually stomp you like a fly with one foot. Rhinos are pretty cool. Almost as cool as a triceratops which is basically a 30 ft rhino with the mouth of a snapping turtle. The bird exhibit is pretty cool at the zoo. Almost as cool as seeing giant bat-bird-lizard hybrids known as muthatfuckin' pterodactyls zooming across the sky. Most Rad dinosaurs aren't even comparable to any modern species of animal roaming your zoo exhibits. How do you describe a velociraptor? It's like a ground falcon with cheetah speed that mauls it's prey in pack attacks like a school of piranhas. How fucking rad would it be to watch a herd of antelope set free amongst like 4 raptors and see how long it takes them to rip the African Safari Bambis to shreds? I could not be drunk enough to enjoy that entertainment. A T-Rex?? Forget about it. That'd be kinda like going to see a giant elephant exhibit where the giant elephants had teeth like machetes, roared at an insane decibel rate and chomped on other living animals in one bite, instead of munched on peanuts.

In the end we have no hope for the recreation of these Rad monsters of prehistoric times unless scientists start getting their shit together, and stop wasting time looking for other "scientific breakthroughs." Look, nobody has cured a disease since polio. If you get cancer you're fucking dead. If you get the HIV virus you're fucking dead (unless you have access to Magic Johnson's secret stash of hidden AIDs medicine). If you get the common cold chug some fuckin Tussin'. We are wasting our time on these hopeless causes, when we could be extracting T-Rex DNA from preserved mosquitos and hatching velociraptor eggs. So lets get on it scientists. Enough with these lame research endeavors, make me some dinosaurs. I've only been waiting 18 years to ride a triceratops you assholes.


  1. "We could be extracting T-Rex DNA from preserved mosquitos and hatching velociraptor eggs." Yeah Todd, and while we're at it lets extract neanderthal DNA and make prehistoric humans the new Mexicans... Except they will not need to send there cash back across the boarder to their families. WTF is this shit!!! Did you forget about the end of Jurassic Park? Where "nature found a way." What about the next three Jurassic Parks... Mayhem will find us if we do this, guaranteed. That being said, I really would like to see some raptors tear into something cute. Maybe a baby panda, or a small helpless bengal tiger cub. Who needs them if we have dinosaurs. We can just re-create them if we start to miss them.