Tuesday, November 2, 2010

New pictures added to the album: "We Drank Beer at a Bar Again"

This past weekend was Halloween which means of course come Monday there were a billion new photo albums up on facebook documenting how much fun everybody I knew had over the weekend playing dress-up. I guess Halloween is a reasonable occasion to document with a few snapshots. After all you only get to dress like a clever pop culture reference or whore in knee high socks once a year. You're allowed a couple cute photo memories of the event. For the most part however, the same people who posted pictures of Hallow's Eve weekend...make photo albums for..EVERY weekend. Their entire mundane life needs to be documented with a snapshot for every moment. These Facebook picture people fucking piss me off.

Do you remember back before photo albums could be "uploaded" onto your computer? Back when pictures had to kept and bound in a thick, heavy book? Well your mom does. Back in those days, unless you had a living room the size of the local library, there were only so many family photo albums you could keep on your shelves. So pictures and the albums they would eventually fill were saved only for certain occasions. You know..a unique and special event. Christmas. Birthdays. Bringing home the family puppy. You know..something actually SPECIAL and worth documenting. They didn't make a photo album for the weekly Thursday night out at Applebees. Those were the days. Then the internet, digital cameras, mobile uploading and Facebook came along. You could now conceivably record every moment of your life and share it with the world. Show everyone how much fun you're having on a weekly basis. Even if nobody could give a damn about your shitty insignificant existence, you now had the chance to force people to see what a blast you and your loser friends had at happy hour.

I've addressed you party picture people briefly before in facebook/status message posts but you really deserved your own personal rant. On my list of people that need to be put on the fast track to death by legal injection it pretty much goes child molesters, Al Quaeda, then YOU. Do you have to put up 77 new pictures of your fun escapades EVERY...FUCKING..WEEK? That many pictures is totally fine if they make up the album "Summer 2010." Over the course of a season, or a semester I can see you experiencing 50+ moments you wanted to remember. Not one normal evening out on the town though. Oh look you went to a bar. Oh look here's a pic of you guys sitting at the bar. Oh look here's a pic of you guys sitting at the bar looking sad because the tap was being changed. Oh here's a pic of that tray of fruity shots you guys ordered. SO INTRIGUING! I can't waaaait to click forward to the next frame of your unique Friday adventure!

These stupid cuntbags also feel the need to label EVERY picture with a funny caption. "This is right after Brooke put her life savings in the jukebox" is the label for the picture of Brooke and her twatbox friend posing by the jukebox with silly facial expressions. ZOMG!! YOU WENT TO A BAR AND PLAYED SONGS ON A JUKEBOX!! Clearly this is the first time you have experienced such an amazing moment and you needed to document it. "This is where things got out of hand..." is written under the picture of kamikaze shots. Clearly nothing got out of hand you fucking liar. I know this because you were still able to take 43 more pictures of you and your entourage of fellow assclowns being completely average and boring at a bar on Friday night.

Do you ever wonder if your parents partied back when they were still free-spirited youngsters in their 20s? You know back before they did society a horrible disservice by bringing you into this world. Well they did. They cruised around in their rad thunderbirds or camaros bouncing from club to club. They got shithoused at pool parties. They..you know...enjoyed life. Have you seen many pictures of your folks during their days as wild and crazy dudes? No. You know why there were no pictures taken of your mom's super fun friday nights? She was too busy doing blow with your dad and grinding to "KC and the Sunshine band" to take a snapshot. Too busy actually having a good time. Have you ever seen pictures of old rock bands partying? They're never actually facing the camera. They're too busy doing something rad like chugging a bottle of Jack or groping a groupie. Not standing in a line posing with their Miller Lites like you pack of toolboxes. If Keith Richards was put in charge of a camera and a facebook account in the 70s, every week there would be a new photo album entitled "random pictures of the floor and various objects I knocked over."

Since you have friends that may be bigger losers than you that comment "cuuuute!!" or "Love this pic!!! :)" on all of your dull, unexciting photos, I don't expect this ridiculous behavior to stop. So I'll just go ahead and delete you from my newsfeed. Or just...NOT look at your stupid pictures. Because I've seen them before and they're fucking boring. I don't need to be reminded of how much a loser you are every Monday morning. Take your digital camera and shove it up your ass. Maybe I should upload a pic of me taking a dump into a photo album and tag you in it, because that activity is actually far more interesting than anything you participated in last weekend.

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