Bands That Suck Balls: VAMPIRE WEEKEND

On the recommendation of one of my readers, I am shifting back from the world of shitbag mainstream rock music to the world of shitbag indie rock music for this week's discussion of ball sucking bands. In a way, indie rock bands piss me off more than shitty mainstream bands, because being a fan of their music gives you credibility in a music conversation. I mean if you like Nickelback you are just openly admitting you wouldn't know good music from your own asshole. If you however, mention your fondness for some band that blew up on "Stereogum" people will at least give you the time of day, and allow you to elaborate on what type of music you're into. Even though the dickhead band you like is really no more talented than Daughtry or Linkin Park, and may in fact be even more intolerable. Like this Week's Band That Sucks Balls: VAMPIRE WEEKEND.

The fact that more than four people have paid money to purchase one of this band's albums absolutely infuriates me. If I recorded myself farting while simultaneously scratching my fingernails across a chalkboard for two and half minutes, it would sound better than any song these cock gobblers have ever released. As is usually the case with fuckhead indie rock bands, a quick analysis of their background and roots (aka perusing their Wiki page) tells you this band is awful before you've heard a single note of their music. The NY based indie band was apparently formed when these four losers met while studying at Columbia University, and named themselves after their lead singer's amateur film of the same name. Lets just say first of all, that no cool band in history was ever formed by an Ivy League film student. If "Columbia" and "Rock and Roll" are ever mentioned in the same sentence, somebody better be doing lines of Columbia's finest yayo off of some chick's ass. Second of all, I hate New Yorkers. Let me rephrase that. I love people from New York. I hate people who currently live in New York. At some point every hipster in the country decided to move to New York City (generally Williamsburg/Brooklyn) to pursue their dreams as an amateur filmmaker or art student. Hipsters love NYC because it is home to bands like Vampire Weekend and is cold enough for them to wear scarves and knit caps.

Anyways back to the subject at hand. One look at these assholes pictured above and you know you're in store for the antithesis of rocking as soon as you throw their LP on the stereo. One guy is wearing an ugly brown blazer with his retro "I Heart NY" and apparently hasn't combed his hair in three years. Then there is an asshole lying on his back in the least rocking photo pose in history. Then there is king dickhole on the right wearing a light green Mr. Roger's pullover sweater (Acually it's a Cardigan but thanks for noticing!), and smelling a fucking flower. Unbelievable. One would assume this was a picture of the head members of Columbia's young poets society club, rather than a photo of a prominent rock band. During live performances their lead singer wears colored sunglasses and...shorts. Like...pink or yellow shorts. It is legitamtely impossible to rock in shorts unless you are AC/DC's guitarist. Everyone else, gotta rock jeans or leather pants. No exceptions. Just like every indie band their sound is some made up genre: "Upper West Side Soweto" that blends African music influences with Western classical. In other words: "We make a random assortment of noise...it sucks dick...enjoy!"

Vampire Weekend features a guitarist, bassist, drummer and keyboardist (DUH), none of whom can play their instruments better than your average 12 year old band geek. It is apparently written into their contracts that no member can play more than three chords in a song and must strum in the most annoyingly quick repetitive manner possible. Like all indie bands their songs are all exactly 2.5 minutes long because any longer and somebody might need to idk play a guitar solo or bang out a drum fill, which we all know is an impossibility for the Columbia art-film posse. There is obviously no time to bang out a five minute rock anthem when you're busy deciding what scarf you're gonna wear to match your cardigan sweater and yellow shorts. All their songs are obviously total bullshit, with song names that give you less than a clue wtf the track's subject matter is. You might know some of their hits like "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" and "Mansfard Roof," or of course their rocking masterpiece "Oxford Comma." All these songs blow. Their latest piece of shit Non-Rad jam "Holiday" is featured in numerous Tommy Hilfiger and car commercials. Sign #172829292 that you are an asshat indie rock outfit: Your song is a jingle for some lame commercial. Can you imagine "Voodoo Chile" being featured in an ad for a Honda Civic? Yeah..me neither.

If you're currently a hipster attending an Ivy League university I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you're an upper-class white kid, who spends 70% of his time in the library and the other 30% in coffee shops discussing philosophy and art. In other words you are severely lacking in Rad and have no business in the world of rock and roll. Rock and Roll is for high school dropouts with substance abuse problems who couldn't color coordinate a stage outfit to save their ass. Not amateur filmmakers and art-history majors in colorful sweaters. So please don't let Vampire Weekend be an inspiration to you. They suck balls and your aspiring yuppie hipster band probably does too. Stick to debating Warhol paintings with your homies and hand your guitar to somebody that isn't a completely lame dipshit like yourself.