Thursday, March 24, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: COLD CAVE

Last week I returned briefly to skewering a relatively popular mainstream band that happened to suck balls. I mean Wilco isn't exactly mainstream pop radio status like Nickelback, but still most people seem to know who they are, and hold a neutral opinion of them. Since bands like Wilco that have already gotten critical recognition, and headlining spots at lame festivals, hating on them at this point can be somewhat of an exercise in futility. Sometimes it's more fun and a more worthwhile cause to prevent people from listening to new, up and coming shitty bands. Especially since it generally involves hating on hipsters who are a plague on Rad society. So I'm returning to the world of dipshit indie noise rock this week ("The Killers" BTSB entry coming soon enough) with this week's Band That Sucks Balls: COLD CAVE.

I discovered this awesomely non-Rad collection of douchetards courtesy of course of a certain publication that share it's name with a Muddy Waters song. This month's "Band to Watch" apparently. As usual I didn't need to hear a note of their music to come to the conclusion that this band totally gobbled nuts. What kind of name for a band is "Cold Cave." Band names are supposed to reference or imply something totally epic and badass. Nothing could be less epic than spending a day in a frigid cave with three hipsters. I mean one glance at the picture above and you instantly know you're not in store for any awesomeness when you throw on their cd. First, without fail we have our required ingredient for every shitty indie hipster band: an ugly bitch with bangs. Never fails. If you're a hipster band on the cusp of making it, and can't figure out how to round out your down to Whole Foods and ask some ugly bitch with bangs if she'll join your band after she's done buying $60 worth of organic products. You'll be on stage 3 in SXSW in no time.

Unlike most hipster chicks Cold Cave's lady member did make the effort to sexify herself with stockings, a mini skirt and big hat. Still doesn't cover up the fact that she has stupid bangs, and a face like Wilbur from "Charlotte's Web." Guy on the right is going with the standard deep, introspective pose for photo look, common amongst bands that take themselves too seriously. He looks like he joined the band after failing to get a gig as an extra in "Inception." Finally we have their assfuck lead singer in the center. I'm not sure if he's going for the early Beatles look with his sweet bowl cut and black/white suit ensemble. Combined with his brooding face, and assfuck retro sunglasses you can tell he is most definitely a hipster who was probably really into Depeche Mode, INXS and other shitty 80s dance pop for white people with no rhythm on lots of coke. Lets take a listen to what these undoubtedtly shittastic outfit sounds like:

Ok a minute of that just gave me a migraine, lets try again.

(Watches super lame wet dream of an art student for 2 1/2 minutes before having enough)

Ok well of course that sucked. How do people describe Cold Cave's sound? "Dark synthpop meets punk." How do I describe it? "shitty 80s dance rock with more noise, less melody, and a more depressing feel." Basically something that would be played in the background of a hypothetical coming of age 80's teen drama when Judd Nelson's character dies of a drug overdose. What a piece of shit. First of all, lets get one thing out of they way. "Synthpop" is not a real fucking genre. It's a made up label for rock bands that can't play real instruments and just combine weird keyboard tones and synthesizers with a drum machine to make music for hipsters to dance to in a dark hip club venue where bottle service and a dress code are foreign concepts. I guess the "punk" influence label comes from the first song I played where the band played loud obnoxiously repetitive fuzz guitar in addition to their electronic noise blips. I'm not the biggest punk advocate, but real punk is as melodic as Motown compared to that noisy shit. What is the deal with the lead singer? He just moans in his deep British accent for four minutes about some bullshit he's torn up about.

(Does some quick research...the band is not British..they're from NYC. OBVIOUSLY).

Ok that just makes it worse. This loser just TRIES to sound British? Who the fuck tries to have a British accent (other than that useless cunt Madonna)? British singers don't even try to sound British. Not even a cool Russell Brand Lymie accent where you say "I Fink so" and "tosser" a lot. This guy sounds like he is reading an Oxford professor's lecture over electro synth noise. What a clown. Cold Cave also wins the award for least Rad song titles in history. "The Great Pan is Dead?" Huh? "Love Comes Close..?" Yeah love came close until you scared the bitch away by dimming the lights and throwing on your downer synthpop rock. Oh and the fucking shittastic rock song title to end all shittastic song titles: "The Trees Grew Emotions and Died"



Are you absolutely kidding me? WTF kind of song title is that for a rock song? That sounds like the title of a poem written by a 2nd grader with a learning disorder. How do trees grow emotions? Who cares if a tree dies? Last time I checked IT'S A FUCKING TREE. Why is that the subject of a rock song. Rock songs are supposed to be about riding upon highways to hell. Being welcomed to the jungle and politely informed that you are gonna die. Sympathizing with the devil. Not about dying trees with feelings. I hope the next time you decide to grow emotions, a tree fucking falls on you, you asshole.

Anyways, these shitheads are not huge (yet) and lets try to keep it that way. If your "quirky" friend encourages you to join them in checking out a cool new band called Cold Cave at the local hipster music venue DON'T GO. You'll be in for one and a half hours of synth rock hell and will get a sudden insatiable urge to murder everyone in sight with an art school haircut nodding and swaying in approval to keep the hair out of their eyes. It's not worth the risk. Don't get suckered into downloading that song of theirs that inevitably gets put in a commercial you see 77 times a day. Keep these assholes out of the world of rock & roll and banish them back to the cold, sad little cave they came from where they are free to grow emotions about trees and die.

1 comment:

  1. So I found your blog when I googled: "bands that suck, tool and cold cave" and this shit has me lol'in so hard. I love you!! -Jenna