Thursday, March 10, 2011

Rappers That Suck Balls: WHIZ KHALIFA

Yesterday marked the 14th anniversary of the death of The Notorious B.I.G. If you don't you know..he was arguably the most Rad rapper ever. Biggie was a fucking badass. He started hustling (for you white people "selling drugs) in Brooklyn when he was 12, and did a bid ("jail sentence") before he reached the age of 20. After getting jail he became an "indie" rapper which is to say he was an unsigned homeboy who rapped on the corner in the hood, and recorded demo tapes with money from his lucrative career in crack sales. Once he was signed he made two classic Rad rap albums that detailed his life as a crack dealer, gangster and all around fucking valedictorian from the School of Hard Knocks with a masters degree in keeping it real. Unfortunately, as is wont to happen to those who keep it mad real...his realness went mad wrong and he ended his career as most gangster rappers getting capped ("getting murdered in a drive-by shooting"). So goes life when you're living by the strict gospel of The Ten Crack Commandments.

After Biggie passed gangster rappers and the whole keeping it mad real persona stuck around for a while, but then slowly, just like rock music, rap started to move in a lame direction. Rappers no longer needed to wear giant baggy jeans with timberland boots and rap about shooting people over drug deals gone wrong. Rappers no longer needed to be from "the streets." The "gangsta" in gangsta rap vanished completely and our crack slanging, glock busting heros were replaced by a bunch of retarded party hip hop and hipster backpack rappers. Culminating in the final step in the devolution of the Rad rapper seen in this week's Rapper That Sucks Balls: WHIZ KHALIFA.

God just take a look at Krusty the AssClown. What in all hell is going on with this dipshit? First of all sweet Urkel glasses. Nothing says keeping it real like a prescription from lens crafters that makes you look like a library assistant. Not seen in clear view, he is also rocking a rad winter cap with one of those fuzzy balls on top like your little sister wears while helping shovel the driveway. You would think that the hottest new rapper in the game would have some Rad iced out ("diamond studded") rolex on his wrist that you couldn't buy with two months salary. This fucktard is wearing some weird Casio kid style bright blue watch (or some sort of bracelet). I'm also lost on why he is wearing a two sizes too small Nike Sweatshirt from 1985 like my dad rocks while mowing the lawn. At least when pops wears the retro swoosh hoodie, he doesn't wear skinny jeans that he sags to flash his midriff and undies. You can't sag your tight jeans to show off the Hanes and wear a XS top unless you're parading in San Francisco. Finally he has a backpack on to show he is intelligent, educated and...not hard at all. The backpack is probably filled with...actual opposed to bricks ("Kilos") of cocaine and firearms. BOWWWWRING.

Lets take a listen to some of this fucktards killer rhymes and accompanying Rad rap video:

Well that sucked a hearty bowl of dick. Before we address the actual shitty jam, can we talk about the lamest rap video ever? WTF? Rap videos are only to come in one of three formats.

(A) Video featuring lots of shiny things, expensive automobiles, money being thrown in the air and big booty hos shaking their ass. Subject Matter: Being rich as fuck.

(B) Video depicting a Rad ghetto house party (or occasionally BBQ) featuring fridge filled with malt liquor beverages, row of low riders parked in driveway, homies in basketball jerseys or wifebeaters, and big booty hos shaking their ass. Subject Matter: Grindin' and getting wasted.

(C) Video about keeping it Mad Real in the hood featuring lots of close up head shots and Rad pointing hand motions, 78 dudes wearing head stomping boots and bandanas, filmed in front of a project building, on top of a project building, or in a project hallway. Subject Matter: Being hard as fuck.

(Note: above 3 options can be replaced with Rad ridiculously high budget video about Killa Beez swarming the city if 78 dudes looking mad real are involved.)

Well I guess "Whiz" (lame rap name) is attempting option B and fails miserably. Really? Coolers of Miller and Coors Light? Where is the fucking malt liquor? This house/pool party looks like it is taking place in your average high-income suburban residence in. What the fuck is with all the WHITE PEOPLE in this video? Why is a rapper hanging out with a bunch of dude bros at a pool party with some average looking white girls named Becky and Candace? Where the hell is the hot Mami' that looks like this?:

As for the song itself, Whiz Khalifa decided to be the first rapper in history to pen an ode to smoking weed. The whole hook is just about laying "in the cut" and "rolling doobies up" (repeated 88x). Ok only your uncle the Deadhead talks about rolling "doobies." He also talks about getting "hella baked up" since he's evidently been spending a lot of time at SoCal skate parks. Also the rapping is in some super slow flow where Whiz actually anunciates all his rhymes so you can understand them (lame). The song is really about nothing as far as the verses, as Khalifa just puts together a bunch of random thoughts in couplets that don't rhyme. Long story short this is shitty suburban pool party music with no redeeming qualities. Might as well be listening to 311.

None of this should come as a surprise when you read that Whiz was born in fucking North Dakota, (where there are more moose than black people) and hails from Pittsburgh, PA. Hence his other hit "black and yellow" about the Steelers (Really? A rapper who likes The Steelers?)where he just..yup you guessed it: repeats that "black and yellow" on the hook 88x. I'm not even gonna bother attaching a clip to that 4 minutes of shit you've surely heard blared at a house party/club. Anyways since the Whiz Kid was named "hip-hop rookie of the year" by numerous publications, I'm sure we're in store for a whole summer of Rad rap jams about smoking doobies and crushing coors light at a moderate pace while dressing like a skater hipster Urkel. Just don't expect to hear that bullshit at my house party. I'll be busy keeping it mad real pissing off the neighbors bumping some N-O..T-O..R-I..O US..U just lay down slow:


  1. hahahaha.... krusty the assclown... dude, you are priceless

  2. Did you know that you can shorten your links with AdFly and earn $$$ for every click on your shortened urls.