Monday, March 7, 2011


Well unless you've been living in a cave with Osama Bin Laden this week, you've heard a thing or two about a Mr. Charlie Sheen causing quite a nationwide stir. If there were a Rad Dude Hall of Fame, that recognized career achievement in life victories, Sheen would be the founder, inaugural inductee, and have the damn building named after him. Charlie Sheen fucking rules at life. Whether he's jet-setting around the world with hookers, slamming down 7 gram rocks of coke, or making classic Bro flicks, Charlie is always doing something to add to his legendary resume of Rad. This year however, just when we thought his career of awesomness had peaked he has gone on an unprecedented streak of life wins. Basically for you baseball nerds out there, we are witnessing the Rad equivalent of Joe DiMaggio's 1941 season. Sheen has managed to get fired from TV's #1 family sitcom, banned from Warner Bros studios, and created a whirlwind of media criticism regarding his "outlandish" behavior. He has also however, inspired a legion of followers to voice their support for this Rad dude, through social networks, radio call-ins, blogs, t-shirts and pretty much any other way possible. The people of Sheen Nation understand we are witnessing a once in a lifetime Rad pioneer at work, and we're not gonna let assfucks like Dr. Drew bring him down.

When you are an Ambassador of Awesome, you may be prone to inventing your own Rad dialect and Rad mannerisms that only you and your fellow life winners can comprehend. Charlie Sheen is no different as this week he has had his every quote deconstructed and taken out of context in order to paint the man as a crazed maniac. Simply because critics have been unable to make sense of his brilliant "Sheenisms." Well I'm here to analyze and translate the man's statements of genius for the masses. Without further ado, I give you the top 10 Sheenisms broken down and converted to layman's terms that anyone can understand and appreciate.

1. "Lets talk about something exciting: ME"
Self-explanatory. "Normal" people (losers and trolls) have to go out of their way to find something in life that excites them. Exciting to most people is usually defined as something fucking lame like rock climbing, travelling to third world countries or participating in a charity fundraiser.When you are a Rad dude however, "exciting" is the adjective that describes every waking minute of your life. You shit thunderbolts and piss excellence while reading the morning paper. You know that all the excitement you need in life is staring right back at you in the mirror. Long story short, nothing another person makes the effort to seek out can compare to the excitement Charlie Sheen simply strolls right into each day.

2. "It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view"
Rad dudes are by nature, loners. Sure they've got friends, lovers, and legions of loyal fans, but for the most part they know they're on their own. In any walk of life, you can't get to the top of the mountain without stepping over people, making enemies, and generally pissing off anyone who tries to de-rail your train to WinsVille, USA. Once you're there sitting on your throne of Rad looking down upon all the envious people that wish they were you, jealousy sets in amongst the masses who weren't able to make it to your perch atop the world. So they distance themselves from association with you and say you are "arrogant" and "self-centered." So you're left to enjoy your awesome life on your own. Whatever, you're better than everyone else. Who needs "friends" when you're doing coke off porn stars' asses in a fucking jet? Answer..nobody.

3. "I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy."
Throughout history the only people that really get recognition for historic lifetime achievement are people who "helped people" or "built things" or "created a form of government." Pioneers in the field of Rad never get any love. Every one of the assholes that signed the Declaration of Independence has a school named after them somewhere. Meanwhile Dennis Hopper has never even had a tree planted in his honor. Well fuck that. Charlie Sheen doesn't want to b be judged by the moral standards of other so called "great historical figures." Just because you never drafted a constitution doesn't mean your contribution to society should be overlooked. I'm pretty sure nowhere on Thomas Jefferson's Wikipedia page is there a section regarding his ability to film segments for a highly profitable movie/sitcom after a 72 hour bender in Vegas.

(Side Note: Thomas Jefferson founded UVA, the lamest collection of blazer/tie wearing prepster dipshits ever assembled at a public institution. Thanks a lot TJ.)

4. "I'm on a's called CHARLIE SHEEN. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
This can be taken one of two ways. (A) Charlie Sheen is on such a ridiculous amount/combination of chemical substances, it can only be described as "Charlie Sheen." (B) Charlie Sheen's everyday persona/attitude and approach to life, with or without drugs can only be defined as "being on Charlie Sheen." Either way Charlie Sheen is way bettter than you at what he does, and anybody trying to live their life in the same manner would probably spontaneously combust at a moment's notice, leaving their children to weep over their exploded body. Cause of death: overdose of Rad.

5. "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."
When most people are pushed into a corner upon having their behavior questioned, they shy away from the criticism. They try to hide from it by either lying about it, or pretending like they don't understand why they're receiving criticism and crying about it. Not Rad dudes like Charlie Sheen though. He fucking embraces the haterade. He doesn't have to pretend to be anything he's not. He's a total bitchin' rock star from another planet, so why should he hide it? Fuck you for trying to turn him into something he's not. Let the man bask in his intergalactic glow of Rad.

6. "It's been a Tsunami. And I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard." (in reference to the media)
Like I said. Charlie hasn't shied away from all this negative media feedback. He's embraced it. Oh so everyone wants to do a special on me and how much of a nutjob I am? Good. I'm gonna get on my fucking mercury surfboard and ride out this wave of negative publicity for all it's worth. Last time I checked negative publicity is still publicity. Instead of searching for shelter from the storm and accepting defeat Charlie Sheen knows he can instead surf right through these crashing waves of haterism into history. He know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to become larger than life. Basically Charlie is Brody to the media's Johnny Utah. Vaya Con Fucking Dios.

7. "Rock Bottom? That's a fishing term."
What many people define as "rock bottom" experiences, Rad dudes just chalk up as life victories. Partying too hard for the rest of the world isn't a crime, it's an achievement. "Oh I just got a little too awesome for everyone else's liking. Waaah :(. Sorry I have a gift and natural tendency towards winning that can't be tied down. I have an insatiable appetite for life and I eat that shit up and spit it out everyday." He hasn't died yet, so how could Charlie Sheen have possibly hit "rock bottom?" Pretty sure nobody that lives in an LA mansion with multiple hot blondes and makes $2million/30min of work is anywhere close to the end of the road. When Charlie Sheen is blowing dudes under the highway for a hit off the pipe and sleeping in a bed of his own urine, then you can start talking "rock bottom."

8. "Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it that way."
There seems to be a widespread belief that Charlie's behavior indicates that he has "lost control" of his life. That he is "imprisoned by his disease." Like he's some sort of zombie doing a massive media tour and creating an elaborate marketing plan for his personal brand. Give me a break. Did you ever think that maybe Sheen actually knows EXACTLY what he's doing? He knows what the people want. They want him to continue his standard bitchin' behavior. You think he'd have two million Twitter followers if he issued a half-assed teary eyed apology to everyone and said he'd found Christ and embraced a life of morality? Fuck No. The only apology you're getting outta him is a "sorry you're a loser who wishes he had my life. I made this shit happen on purpose."

9. "AA was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know Adonis DNA."
This is the Sheenism that people most often point to when they're making the "Charlie Sheen is batshit crazy" argument. Oh NOOO. He's making fun of AA! He's talking about tiger blood and Adonis DNA! WTF. This dude is off his rocker! This is Sheen at his most brilliant. Ever been to a court ordered AA meeting..? (yeah me neither). Anyways they're fucking lame. Basically it's a cult where a bunch of losers sit around reciting passages from some book written in 1950 by some super Jesus freak who thinks "faith" and "trust in the lord" will keep you off the Johnnie Walker. Then at the end they all hold hands and basically sing Kumbaya. What a joke. No rad dude of a different breed, with tiger blood and the DNA of a Greek god is gonna buy into this bullshit. Oh you want me to quit drinking because some pussy loser who still can't see his kids and still works in construction says it's the right thing to do? Makes a lot of sense. Maybe those people are just addicted to stupidity. Rad dudes like Charlie Sheen get their lives in order because they pull themselves up by their boot straps, slap themselves and say to the face in the mirror "I gotta get my shit together...because I'm good enough..I'm smart enough...and doggone it people fucking like me"

10. "#Winning."
What really needs to be said here? "Winning" is just a way of life for Rad dudes like Charlie Sheen. It's a philosophy. It's a religion. Most of all it's just an attitude that people everywhere should soak in and embrace. If you're a fucking winner..hey guess what...keep winning. Don't pull an 07' Patriots and let that undefeated record in life slip away at the last second. Fucking close the deal. Live your life by the rules you wrote. Do whatever the hell YOU think is "normal." If you've made it this far at your chosen pace no reason to start going the speed limit for no reason. Just accept that you're better than everyone else and victory will always be within your grasp. That's what Charlie Sheen does. You should start following his example and stick to..DUH...Winning.


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