Thursday, March 3, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls:TV ON THE RADIO

A couple weeks ago I wrote this angry post about how much I hate the modern social networking application known as Twitter: tp:// I ranted and raved about how self-indulgent it is to "tweet" your thoughts in 140 characters or less so that your "followers" could hang on your every word and action. I stated..and I quote that Twitter "serves absolutely no purpose and contributes nothing to the daily improvment of our society. Well due to the fact that I am somebody with strong convictions who always stands by their opinions, The Lawn joined Twitter this week, and you can now "follow" short, daily blurbs of my angry opinions if you so wish. Just follow @OFFmyLAWNkid on Twitter. Whatever, It's less time consuming for when I don't have time to write massive rants and you don't have time to read them. And more importantly, it enables me to follow the everyday life victories of Hall of Fame Rad dude Charlie Sheen (more on him soon). Now that I'm done sniffing my own farts, back to the usual purpose of this blog with this week's Band That Sucks Balls: TV ON THE RADIO.

God, this band is permanently at an all you can eat buffet at the cock cafe. What the fuck is this shit? First of all sweet name guys. "TV On The Radio..?" Is this a rock band or the title of a George Orwell novel? As usual in judging a book by its cover, we can easily tell just by a brief glance at the appearance of this band that there is zero chance they rock. Lets just get the obvious statement out of the way with what's going on with um..the right side of this picture. Namely how exactly Rivers Cuomo from Weezer accidentally ended up pledging the black fraternity at NYU. I guess to be fair he does share a love for ironic 50s style glasses with some of his bandmates so they've got that. The guy too his immediate left usually rocks a Cornell West fro and hobo beard and is definitely the member of the bend most likely to be plotting a bombing of a government building. What the hell is the deal with the guy in a Hawaiian shirt? He looks like some Kenyan cab driver they picked up off a corner to play synths. Sweet dress sock/sneakers look clown. Rats nest hair bro on the left seems harmless enough, unless you're worried about him selling your little sister bad acid at Bonaroo before the Ziggy Marley set. In front their lead singer looks like Lebron James modeling Kanye West's summer clothing line for GQ. Of course none of the guys are smiling because they're still all VERY pissed at how we're handling the situation in Darfur.

To get some idea of what sort of audio shit storm we're in for once we pop these guys in the tape deck, lets analyze how they are described.

"TV on The Radio is an American experimental (Noise) rock band formed in 2001 in Brooklyn, New York (birthed in a hipster cafe at def poetry night), whose music spans numerous diverse genres (Random assorment of sounds) From post-punk (Never got that) to electro (Synthesizers and computer blurps) and soul music (Black lead singer)."

Well now lets take a listen to what exactly that jungle of bullshit paragraph actually meant:


WHAT. THE FUCK. WAS THAT? They've got your standard shitty band multi jangling guitar attack. A couple of losers including token white guy just amp up the distortion and wail away on one repetitive guitar chord with a rising noise that never builds into anything. Second of all their lead singer has got to have the worst voice of any black vocalist in music history. MY GOD. That was worse than listening to Fran Drescher laugh while somebody simultaneously scratches their nails on a chalkboard. He starts of with some sort of weird pseudo Prince crooning thing going before he just YELPING like a coyote in random intervals. Not singing, not growling with a metal grunt, not wailing...yelping. Then he intermittently screams and sounds like some kid whose voice is cracking in 7th grade PE class. Then since all shitty hipster bands involve multi-vocal harmonizing in some shitty format Radical Terrorist Afro guy starts screaming in falsetto to add to this mess. The drummer while all this is going on just taps a quick jazz beat while never actually banging out a power drum fill. You would think that a rock band featuring four black members would have some sort of funky soul vibe going for them. Not these guys though. They make Radiohead look like Parliament Funkadelic.

Of course TV on the Radio has already recorded an album of the year winner in the eyes of "Spin," been praised by David Bowie and had their songs featured in countless tv soundtracks and commercials. So...these assfucks are here to stay. I'm sure their soon to be released new album of sounds will feature more yelping and jangling distortion than ever. So get psyched. In the meantime I'll be hurling a tv at the radio the next time I'm forced to listen to these fucktards jam out their newest electro alt rock masterpiece anywhere.


  1. please review

    kings of leon

    they suck balls
    pretentious folksy artsy fucks they are

    also this super sucky band

    vampire weekend

    they write 20 verses for each song, you know the usual singer doesnt know when to shut up, and the band doesnt want him to shut up cuz lord forbid if he shuts up they wouldnt know how to take the LEADDDDDDDDD WITH INSTRUMENTS

  2. oh one more bands that suck balls contender


    a fake metal band created by 40 year olds to serve the junior high kids who want to seem tough population within their community

  3. Well, I do like TOTR and don't agree with your comments... but they're so fucking hilarious I must say

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