Todays Headline: Lunatic calls other lunatic a racist for calling self-absorbed millionaire asshole a dick.

This morning I was going through my usual daily check on espn.com to see what was going on in...you know...sports. In glancing over to the headlines out of the corner of my eye I saw "Rev. Jesse Jackson...something, something...Lebron." Oh jesus. Whenever I see a headline involving Rev. Jesse Jackson addressing anything these days, I immediately prepare myself for a new rant of batshit craziness, more off the wall than the last time this nutjob opened his mouth. Even with that being said, I still had absolutely no idea what insight Rev. Jackson could possibly have on the Lebron James situation (for the record I am also sick of referencing this as a "situation" like this is some sort of foreign conflict). Anyways I go ahead and click on the article...http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=5372266

(Palm to face).

Jesse Jackson's "job" as you all know is that of an outspoken Civil Rights activist. This is a totally commendable thing to do if you are..actually dealing with an unfortunate Civil Rights concern that needs attention and repair. There was once a time when Jesse Jackson used to do this during his early days marching with Martin Luther King in Birmingham, Alabama protesting segregation laws and attempting to spurn important social progress in this country. Even later on Rev. Jackson did lend his support to valid causes where there was racial discrimination going on in this country that needed attention brought to it. Today however, Jesse Jackson is just a crazy ass old man, that is no longer relevant and just likes to turn any event into a reason to jump on his soapbox and start spitting a sermon of looniness.

Just to recap (AGAIN) the Lebracle of last week. Lebron used a national tv forum to announce to the world that he was leaving Cleveland for sunny South Beach. That was a total dick move. Cleveland GM Dan Gilbert then went on a crazed rant about Lebron being selfish and cowardly, and even theorized that Lebron quit on the team in the playoffs. Also a total bitter dick move. So Ol' Reverend Looney Tunes decides to chime in with this gem...

"His feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality. He sees LeBron as a runaway slave. This is an owner employee relationship -- between business partners -- and LeBron honored his contract."

OK wait WTF?? Sadly the second part of this statement is reasonable. This is a business. Lebron honored his contract and sought employment elsewhere. No reason to cry about it Mr. Gilbert. The first part though overshadows it completely. Seriously??? "A runaway slave? Slave master mentality." You are off your fucking rocker Mr. Jackson. Most runaway slaves didn't get to go on tv and announce to the world that they were running away to seek $100 million at another plantation last time I checked. They actually had um...far more miserable lives than King James... Also Dan Gilbert was pissed off that his shitty city/franchise's one shining hope went on tv and effectively kicked Cleveland in the balls and barely acknowledged if they had meant anything to him. So he was bitter. I don't think he wakes up in the morning and says "I own Lebron James, he is my slave, he will not leave me to run off to rival slave master Pat Riley down South."

Of course there are still racial injustices that occur every day in this country. When Jesse goes on TV however, and throws out random insane analogies about racial issues that are non-existent, he loses all the credibility he could use in the future to fight real social battles. If kids aren't getting into schools or acquiring jobs because of their race, that is a disturbing social occurrence that needs to be addressed. If urban victims of a natural disaster aren't getting the help they need, bring attention to that. Just don't ask me to feel sorry for some millionaire asshole who plays basketball for a living, and scream "RACISM!" when his slightly nuts and bitter former employer calls him out for being kind of a dick. Since you have shown yourself to be incapable of doing this, you should probably go ahead and take a couple plays off Champ, and wait around until somebody sane brings a real issue to the table for you to jump in on.

(5 minutes pass. Jesse Jackson goes on TV and accuses my blog of racism. I counter with the fact that the site's acronym is actually GOMLK. Nice try Rev.)

The Death of the Hardass Action Hero

Recently I saw the latest trailer for "Machete." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0985694/ God this movie looks fucking awesome. It stars Danny Trejo (The grungy mexican bad guy in every movie ever) as some sort of knife/gun wielding assassin that is out to take out anybody that is out out to take him out. That's pretty much the plot synopsis. There are also hot chicks involved, shit blows up, bad guys get their asses kicked, and Robert Deniro shows up at some point with a huge revolver. What more do you really need to know...?

I think the reason I am so psyched for this movie is because it reminds of the days of the old school action flick. Mostly it features a hero that is a throwback to the hardass action hero of yesteryear. You see back in the day heros were ugly. They didn't shave. They wore grungy, dirty clothing. They drank and smoked a lot. They used profanity while kicking your ass. Basically Average Joes like myself (Translation: Drunken chain-smoking trainwrecks) could relate to these guys which is what made them so awesome. A part of you believed that one day YOU could also roll out of bed hungover, stumble through your apartment's maze of empty beer cans, throw on a wife-beater and some jeans and go out and take out 40 bad guys with a barrage of bullets from your one gun.

Pictured to the left is Detective John McClane from the Die Hard trilogy (lets forget DH4 happened). He epitomizes the old school hardass action hero. He smoked 17 packs of cigs a day. He only owned one shirt which was technically an undershirt and has never been washed. If there was a crisis you went and found Detective McClane. He's probably passed out on the subway with his shoes off still wreaking of booze from the night before. Wake him up, give him a gun, light his cigarette and tell him of the situation. Detective McClane will wipe his eyes, shake himself off, and then proceed to go annihilate 86 terrorists who chose the wrong building/airport/entire city to fuck with today.

McClane wasn't the only Average Joe action hero running around in the 80's and 90's. There was Charles Bronson (who basically looked like your dad) going around laying down vengeance with one small pistol and a can of whoop-ass in the "Death Wish" flicks. There was pre-racist/insanity phase Mel Gibson in the "Lethal Weapon" flicks as deranged chain smoking, mullet-haired officer Martin Riggs. There was Sly Stallone and Kurt Russel teaming up to kick ass in "Tango and Cash." There was Nick Nolte in the "48 hours" flicks as hard drinking cop Jack Cates who kicked ass in between listening to Eddie Murphy babble one-liners. Shit I will even throw Steven Seagal in there although he was usually too busy beating the shit out of drug dealers with his bare hands to take time out for a drink or a smoke. There was CHUCK..FUCKING..NORRIS.

Nowadays action heros are all fancy looking and impossible to relate to. Jason Bourne kicks ass but cmon he is a trained agency assassin with all this weapons/fighting knowledge that none of us could possibly fathom having. He isn't an average guy from Brooklyn. Jason Statham is a pretty boy Brit who is always wearing a fancy suit while chasing down bad guys in expensive European sports cars in his movies. John McClane didn't drive a car. You know why? Probably cus his piece of shit 87' Cadillac wouldn't fucking start ever. Most cop action flick roles these days are given to comics like Chris Tucker or Martin Lawrence who couldn't kick your grandmother's ass. Give me a break.

I hope the bros of the world dish out some coin to go see "Machete" and badass mantown action flicks like it. If stuff like that does well at the box office than maybe we can finally have a return to the good old days when we could go see badasses on the screen that returned to their dirty one bedroom apartment with a hole in the door at the end of the day after spending all afternoon destroying bad guys. Somebody that says "hey dude if you put your mind to it, maybe you can fight some neighborhood crime today in a wifebeater with a marlboro dangling out of the side of your mouth."

I gotta leave work and catch the subway now. If I find detective McClane passed out under a seat I'll let you know.

Cleveland...is once again...Cleveland.

Thankfully the Lebron James saga is over. Jesus christ. Did we really need a one hour ESPN special: "THE DECISION" for that? Last time I checked he was announcing where he was gonna play basketball next season, not his presidential candidacy in 2012. There are 8 billion sports bloggers out there with opinions on why Lebron is destroying his legacy, or a sellout or a general egomaniacal dickhead, so theres no reason for me to dwell on that. Instead I'm left thinking that none of these media d-bags are focusing on the real story here...Cleveland once again...being Cleveland.

Despite what Drew Carey's intro tells you Cleveland sucks balls. I would compare Cleveland to Beirut but I think at least one sports franchise in Beirut has won a title in the last 50-60 yrs. I saw a funny clip recently about Cleveland where they end by saying "at least we're not Detroit." Yeah you're not Detroit. Detroit has contributed SOMETHING to American society. Detroit has Motown records. The auto industry. White-boy rappers. What the hell can Cleveland lay claim to?

Everybody's first answer is Drew Carey? Um...Ok. That's not really something worth bragging about. He was an almost moderately funny comedian with a sitcom who later hosted a tv show. It's not like LA tells you they are the birthplace of George Lopez. You can't really say Drew Carey is famous for being from Cleveland, because Drew Carey is not famous for...anything. Yet Cleveland is famous for Drew Carey. Cleveland is famous for having the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which doesn't really make sense to me because...no Rock and Roll hall of Famers are from Cleveland. Seriously the only famous musician from Cleveland I can think of is Bone Thugs N' Harmony. I thought at the very least Cleveland was named after former US president Grover Cleveland. NO. They were named after some general named "Moses Cleaveland." You read that right. They took some random general's name misspelled it and that's how they gave their city a name. Cleveland in a nutshell.

What about the city itself? It is an "industrial" city which is fancy talk for "dirty, run-down and smoggy." There are no famous tourist attractions. No beautiful parks to hang out in. No historical monuments. You can't even go to somewhere just outside of Cleveland to find something fun to do. Because after all you're still in Ohio and there is nothing there. It's cold. Its depressing. It's a barren wasteland. Neil Young once wrote a song called "Ohio." Have you ever listened to that song? Lets just say if you are ever doing heroin in your basement and wrestling with the idea of killing yourself, listening to "Ohio" for 3 minutes will make your decision for you. Pretty appropriate considering how depressing it is to be a resident of the state.

With Lebron in Cleveland for 6 years, Cleveland finally had something to la claim to. They had the best player in the world. They had an attraction. They had somebody from their city worth having skyscraper sized billboards for. Hell they had the BEST "something" for once in their life. Of course with this came the expectation that Lebron would make a Cleveland franchise "the best" for the first time since the leather helmet era of football.

Cleveland's sports misery is well documented with the obvious examples being the Browns choke jobs against Elway, Jordan's shot over Ehlo, and the Indians...being the Indians. To me however, the biggest dick punch that is never talked about is the fact that The Browns left town...became the Ravens...and then won the fucking Super Bowl two years later. Are you kidding me?!? We were the NFL's most devoted franchise...for a shitty team that didn't win anything f0r 40 years.... and you move them...and instantly they become great. WHAT THE HELL? Fuck you Red Sox nation at least you had the Celtics and Pats winning titles while your beloved Sawks choked year after year, and Boston is at least a cool city to live in.

Also...Cleveland is cold as shit...in the Midwest...and doesn't even have a hockey franchise. What the fuck? Carolina and San Jose have hockey teams...and Cleveland doesn't.

So Lebron James, if I were from Cleveland I would say this. "Fuck you Lebron. Thanks for that 6 year cocktease that made us believe we...Cleveland would finally amount to something. You are even from here, and have grown up for 26 years knowing our misery. You of all people should understand what a massive cockpunch this is. We are now back to being the old hopeless depressing Cleveland everyone else in the country points and laughs at. I can't say I fault you for leaving this miserable shithole. Especially since you took less money than we would have paid you to stay in this miserable shithole. Still it pisses me off that once again it sucks balls to live in Cleveland"

(Retires to basement. Turns on "Ohio") BANG!

Bands that suck balls: LINKIN PARK

It always sucks when a shitty band gets famous and takes over your airwaves. It is however, even worse when an entire shitty GENRE gets big and begins to dominate your airwaves. Usually the genre eventually fades and is dismissed as a fad, but there is always one band from said shitty genre that refuses to let it die. I give you this weeks Band That Sucks Balls: LINKIN PARK.

In the early 90's a band called Rage Against The Machine burst onto the scene. They totally kicked ass. They combined the best elements of angry hip-hop with metal to create an awesomely killer sound. Unfortunately Rage Against the Machine was responsible for birthing the "Rap-Rock" genre which ended up being quite possibly the worst musical genre in history. You see a bunch of bands saw the model set by RATM and just decided to combine rap and rock, without being good at either, into one massively shitty musical mutant. And you know what...people ate it up.

Rap-rock frontman were generally some angry suburban white kid that obviously couldn't rap, but couldn't really sing either so they just alternated doing mediocre renditions of both in their song. They'll rap a verse and then kinda scream/yell the hook while the shitty backing band plays the same thrashing pseudo-metal riff on repeat. Linkin Park however, came up with a brilliant idea which is apparently the reason why they are still here while the Limp Bizkits and Korns of the world have dissapeared. Rather than have one shitty rap-singer, Linkin Park decided to make you feast your ears on the vocals of BOTH a shitty rapper AND a shitty rock singer. I mean why let just one untalented asshole bear the burden of being the frontman?

This is the format for every Linkin Park song:

(1) slow gloomy intro with piano chords

(2) Shitty rap verse

(3) Bridge: shitty rapping fades while quiet shitty singing sets in

(4) Hook: Singer screams hook and band breaks into sudden shitty thrash metal riff.

So for example lets say Linkin Park has a song called "Pain" (not far fetched). After the intro, the rapper would start rhyming the word "pain" with "rain" and "gain" in shitty rap couplets. Singer then starts to quietly whisper "so much pain..can't stand the rain" slowly building. Then the hook comes in, band thrashes into full force and the singer screams "IIIIIIIII'M IN SO MUCH PAAAAIN, I CAN FEEEEEEL THE RAAAAAIN, THERE IS NO GAAAAAAIN, I'M IN SO MUCH PAAAAAAAIN!!!"

There I just wrote Linkin Parks next hit and the theme song for Transformers 3. That took 30 seconds.

The actual band of course sucks at playing their instruments. That is why they are only allowed to contribute to the thrash of the hook. They are not allowed to play solos, or even drum fills, because that would be disastrous. No you guys get to thrash rock out for 30 seconds at a time during the hook and then sit back while the gloom sets back in and the shitty rapping resumes.

Unfortunately they might be here for good. Jay-Z decided to do a shitty rap/rock mashup album with these assholes (where they just..sang each others songs..mixed together) and lent the band undeserved credibility. Goddamit Jay-Z. Seriously Jay-Z could make a rap-rock song with the Jonas Brothers and they'd be bumping that shit all over hip-hop stations 24/7, BOOM number 1 on the urban charts. And Michael Bay decided they should do the soundtrack for all his shitty summer blockbusters because their jams go well with cartoonish explosions. And Michael Bay will make summer flicks with explosions FOREVER.

I think the only solution is for Rage Against the Machine to return, make awesome music and destroy the morale of Linkin Park and any other shitty copy-cat rap-rock bands still left that are an embarassment to the original model. Seriously guys you birthed this shitty genre, you can kill it. I can't take any more of Linkin Park's shitty music it does nothing but cause my ears...."SOOOOO MUCH PAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!"

I Kan Hatez Yor Kittyz?

Lately my neighbor has been pissing me off. Specifically his stupid goddamn cat "Gus" has been pissing me off. He is always rolling over to my balcony annoying me and my dog that would love nothing better than to eat Gus for dinner with a nice Chianti. He just sits at the window and stares in with his stupid evil grin while my puppy flips his shit. There is nothing that can be done about this of course because stupid Gus is owned by his even stupider cat owner. Cats...and Cat People...PISS..ME..OFF.

First of all wtf is with Cat names? They are all given stupid pseudo-intellectual human names like "Gus" or "Miles" or "Tobey." These are not pet names they are the names of fucking Harvard professors. There are of course some exceptions to this rule with your extra retarded cat owners who name their Kitty anything cute with the word "Meow" in it such as "Princess Meowers" or "Captain Meow Meow." I would never think to name my Dog "Prince Woof Woof." Dogs are given cool badass names like "Rocky" or "Scrapper" or "Buster" because someday we will have human children and be forced to give them boring human names, (unless you're Gwyneth Paltrow) so this is your chance to still have fun with the naming process.

Also the idea of a pet is an animal that you own that stays in YOUR house. Animals that just wander around town are known as "strays." Unless of course you are a cat owner or specifically "outdoor cat owner." In this case your cat just wanders around annoying other people (like myself) all around town until he feels the need to be fed by his owner. WTF. That cat is not your pet just because you feed him when he comes back around. That's like saying "Oh yeah there is this pigeon that flys around and occassionally hangs out on my porch. I feed him bread crumbs. He is MY pet bird Sir Chirps a Lot."

As for cat owners these people are generally more annoying than their despicable feline companions. First, what the hell is with cat owners putting costumes on their little furballs? Cat owners love dressing their cats in hats and costumes. Cat owners made entire websites devoted to pictures of their pets in weird poses with some misspelled saying on it. Hey look! It's my kitty hanging from a fan "I CANZ HAZ GRAVATY???" Tee Hee. What a bunch of fucking weirdos.

Second of all, cat people have stupid arguments for why cats > dogs. Cats are better pets because they are "clean" and "independent." You don't have to take them outside to do their business. Yeah instead you keep a litter box in your house for the cat to do his business in. Your kitty may be "clean" but last time I checked one of the rooms in your house smells like cat urine and that is fucking disgusting. Also Cats are not "independent" they are just selfish, disloyal assholes. I was once nice enough to feed a stray cat on a daily basis that hung around my house for a couple weeks. He repaid me by crapping on my carpet, and running off to live with the Mexican family across the street. Hope you enjoyed your tuna Mr. Kitty. DICK.

Long story short, dogs are loyal obedient pets that will always love you as long as they get their puppy chow twice a day. That's all they ask for. You can beat your puppy with a spatula (PETA for the record I have never done this), and they will still come running up to you when you get home from work, tail wagging with a big smile. Cats are ungrateful assholes that use you at their convenience, show no affection, and wander around town annoying all the other people that don't technically "own" them. And their owners are creepballs. So fuck you guy in Apt. 3114. Your cat doesn't look cute in his bunny costume, and I will punt him off my balcony the next time he comes over uninvited.

Top 5 reasons America rocks.

Usually I devote my time on this blog to ranting about things that piss me off. Tomorrow however, is the 4th of July when we celebrate the birth of the finest nation on this planet. Despite what some foreigners may tell you America totally kicks ass. Sure we have our flaws to poke fun at but they are far outweighed by all the reasons America fucking rules. In honor of our country's independence day I give you my personal Top 5 Reasons America rocks.

Reason Number 1: Patriotism

Americans love nothing more than showing their love for America. We are the most patriotic country in the world...and it's not even close. Other countries have one national anthem. Lame. We have approximately 17. Yeah we have one "official" anthem but have you ever been to a major sporting event in this country? We'll kick things off by singing "America the Beautiful," then sing the national anthem, and then 6.5 innings later when the fans have briefly forgotten how much they love America, officer Sean O'Malley will come out and sing "God Bless America." We felt the need to designate a badass animal (The bald eagle) our national symbol and put him on every American logo possible looking tough. Do other countries even have national animals? I mean ok Australia you have the koala but I doubt people have bumper stickers with a tough looking koala bear on them that says "Don't fuck with Australia."

Reason Number 2: Invented Drinking Holidays

America is of course the ultimate cultural melting pot, and Americans have always loved exploiting other cultures for their own benefit. This is especially true of drinking holidays. America loves taking random traditional holidays from other cultures and celebrating them by getting wasted. "Cinco de Mayo" commemorates the Mexican army's unlikely victory over French forces at the battle of Puebla in 1862. So clearly we randomly decided we should celebrate this in our country by getting shitfaced on tequilla and eating tacos. Mardis Gras was an old catholic tradition that we turned into a reason to parade around in New Orleans with our bros bonging beers and throw beads at drunk sorority girls that flash their tits. We jacked Octoberfest from Germany too. The best one is St. Patrick's day. Even actual Irish-Americans don't know what the fuck this holiday celebrates but hey if it's March 17th we are all getting hammered on green beer and Irish Car bombs. Sometimes I think about how offensive the idea of naming a drink an "Irish Car Bomb" is, but then I remember that combining Jameson, Baileys and Guiness together is yummy and suck it up.

Reason Number 3: We love being fat

It is a well known fact that we are the fattest nation in the world. The reason it is well known is because we embrace being fat in America. You can't go 2 blocks without hitting a different greasy fast-food joint. And these fast-food joints are constantly trying to come up with new menu items that are unhealthier that their competitors, because the grosser the food, the more likely we are to flock to your establishment. KFC just came out with a "sandwich" that is just two pieces of fried chicken sandwiching cheese and bacon. Fuck having bread, bread is for pussies, lets just cut straight to the good stuff. Every 4th of July we have the Nathan's hot dog eating competition where 10 fat-asses and 1 random little Japanese guy COMPETE to see who can eat the most hot dogs. Kids in other countries must fucking hate seeing this competition. "Oh sweet I've eaten 4 crickets in the last week and you douchebags are being given 80 hot dogs and timed to see who can eat them the fastest on tv. I hope Madonna adopts me soon so I can get to that "competition" cus I would fucking dominate that shit."

Reason Number 4: Freedom of Speech

The First Amendment kicks ass. There are other countries that claim to advocate freedom of speech but no group of people abuses that privilege to its fullest potential quite like Americans. Eminem once made an album where he bashed homosexuals, beat up his mom and one song was just a 6 minute recording of him murdering his wife. Some people thought this was..like..bad, but of course the whole 1st Amendment defense prevailed. "WHOA. WHOA. WTF what do you mean I can't say "faggot" repeatedly and slit my wife's throat on record?!? FREE SPEECH. This is America damnit." You're right Eminem this is America, you and everyone else can say whatever you want and not face consequences. We have shock jocks on the radio who bring in homeless people and mentally retarded people in for competitions and broadcast them over the airwaves. We are the only country that assumes it's our right to shit on the President. If Korean Will Ferrell tried to dress up like the president on a sketch comedy show, Kim Jong Izzzill would have his ass executed before the skit was over. Common folk also apply the defense of Free Speech to everything. Take this common exchange:

Loser Parent at sports bar: "Um excuse me guys could you keep the profanity to a minimum there are kids here."

Me: "Hey suck my balls dude. Why is your kid at a bar? Fucking freedom of speech I can say what I want, this is America asshole."

Loser Parent at sports bar: "You're correct sir. This IS America. I apologize for bothering you."

Seriously, that's how that always goes down. God bless Free Speech.

Reason Number 5: ANYBODY can make it here.

At this point you probably assume I am gonna rant about how great it is that a minority can become president in this country. Yeah no. When I say "anybody" can make it in America I mean "Snooki" from Jersey Shore not Obama. Seriously the most untalented mental midget can make it here. Oh you only read at a 2nd grade level? Yeah whatever so does Flavor Flav. He made a career out of yelling YEAH BOYYY!! and wearing a fucking clock around his neck. Lil' Jon followed the same career path minus the clock. They own 50 cars. Are you only good at getting wasted, falling off barstools, and being confrontational? We'll put you on reality tv. Before you know it you'll have a fucking spinoff, and people will be paying to hear you speak at colleges like you're MLK. There are people on tv who get paid mad cash to sit in a room and briefy comment on clips from the 80s. ("Shit the terminator was a bad dude. He wasn't fucking around." CUT. Great job commenting here's a million dollars) We are the only country that has people that are famous..for being famous. Fucking ridiculous. Whatever, that's great for kids in America. They can NEVER be discouraged. Seriously kid Perez Hilton made it, there is SOMETHING you're "good" at.

Let Freedom Ring bitches.

Bands that suck balls: NICKELBACK

I was informed by a friend that today is "Canada Day." "Canada Day" is like the Fourth of July to our neighbors up north, except the Canadian creativity department was out the day they named their national holiday. Canada generally pisses me off, especially when they send us horrible musical imports that impose their will on our nation's airwaves. Such as this week's Band That Sucks Balls: NICKELBACK.

God Fuck NickelBack. These guys are horrible. First of all their lead singer is named Chad Kroeger. Guys named "Chad" are generally complete tools that shouldn't front rock bands and this tard is no exception. I would say that Chad rocks a "Mom Cut" but that would be an insult to my mom's hair. It's like he wanted to have badass long rockstar hair but then got scared at the last moment and stopped just short. This is a theme with Nickelback. They really want to be a badass rock and roll band but then realize that they are not quite cool enough to pull it off. Look at this picture. "Whoa check us out we look angry and badass! We have torn jeans and cool belt buckles! We...should probably tuck our t-shirts into our jeans now. Yeah good call lets not get too out of hand."

Nickelback only sings two types of songs, all of which sound exactly the same. They got famous with their unique brand of shitty power ballads that took over the radio early this millenium. Except they removed all the cool elements of the power ballad. Take Whitesnake lyrics, remove the guitar solo, and sing the whole song in a loud droning post-grunge grunt voice that sounds like Creed with less balls, and you have a Nickelback ballad. Generally the song's theme is Chad's girlfriend has just left him and he's sitting in his room, staring at a photo of her, crying about the breakup while he combs his mom perm. (BTW when I youtube "Photograph" 2 of the top 3 results that pop up are the shitty Nickelback ballad and not the totally kickass Def Leppard song. Another reason they piss me off.)

When Nickelback isn't singing teary ballads they are singing songs about.."BEING TOTALLY BADASS!! AND ROCKING HARD LIKE ROCKSTARS AND GOING TO PARTY TONIGHT AND DRINK LOTS OF BEERS TILL 5AM!! WOOOHOO!!" Wait wtf just happened? I thought you were just singing about sitting alone crying over a picture frame. When did you get friends who want to party with you? Oh you didn't. You just want to pretend to be cool. Well you're not cool Nickelback, nobody wants to party with you. You couldn't possibly drink till 5 am, that might lead to your tee-shirt getting untucked. There are no groupies flocking to you Chad, you look like the lovechild result of Nicolas Cage in "Con Air" banging a cocker spaniel.

Of course the most mysterious thing about Nickelback's success is that I'm not the only person that thinks they suck. NO supposedly everyone else also HATES Nickelback. Bring up Nickelback at a party and everybody will chime in about how they are an awful band. Wait...if everybody thinks they suck...why have are they a consistent multi-platinum selling rock band whose songs are on the radio all the time? Clearly SOMEBODY likes these assholes, and I want to know who those somebodys are so I can go on a nationwide arson tour burning their houses down.

Well I've discovered there are two groups of people that are responsible for that Canadian dogshit blaring on the radio 45 times a day.

(A) People don't know about music so they just "like"/purchase anything they hear on the radio.

(B) People who "hate" Nickelback...but "you know...own some Nickelback cds cus they were cool in high school and I didn't know better.

Group A: Whatever, you people are sheep. If you weren't raised on good music you might as well buy whatever's on "Now! Buzz Ballads volume 10." Group B: Fuck you. What the hell?? Nickelback was NEVER cool. Why did you ever purchase their album? You have NO right to talk shit about how awful their band is if you are directly responsible for their rise to the top. I have bought some shitty cds in my lifetime but hey at least Lil' Kim wasn't still polluting our airwaves 10 years after I bought her debut album.

Anyways I think (or hope) that this will soon be over. All the people who "accidentally" bought Nickelback cds now hate Nickelback and won't buy their cds anymore. The people who just know what's on the radio don't buy cds consistently enough to maintain Nickelback's success. So hopefully Chad's reign of terror has come to an end. If not I'm tying those lame fucks up in my trunk and driving them back to Canada myself.

(Ok I take back what I said earlier about Lil' Kim. "Hard Core" is a masterpiece. Totally get why I purchased that cd)