Thursday, July 8, 2010 once again...Cleveland.

Thankfully the Lebron James saga is over. Jesus christ. Did we really need a one hour ESPN special: "THE DECISION" for that? Last time I checked he was announcing where he was gonna play basketball next season, not his presidential candidacy in 2012. There are 8 billion sports bloggers out there with opinions on why Lebron is destroying his legacy, or a sellout or a general egomaniacal dickhead, so theres no reason for me to dwell on that. Instead I'm left thinking that none of these media d-bags are focusing on the real story here...Cleveland once again...being Cleveland.

Despite what Drew Carey's intro tells you Cleveland sucks balls. I would compare Cleveland to Beirut but I think at least one sports franchise in Beirut has won a title in the last 50-60 yrs. I saw a funny clip recently about Cleveland where they end by saying "at least we're not Detroit." Yeah you're not Detroit. Detroit has contributed SOMETHING to American society. Detroit has Motown records. The auto industry. White-boy rappers. What the hell can Cleveland lay claim to?

Everybody's first answer is Drew Carey? Um...Ok. That's not really something worth bragging about. He was an almost moderately funny comedian with a sitcom who later hosted a tv show. It's not like LA tells you they are the birthplace of George Lopez. You can't really say Drew Carey is famous for being from Cleveland, because Drew Carey is not famous for...anything. Yet Cleveland is famous for Drew Carey. Cleveland is famous for having the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which doesn't really make sense to me Rock and Roll hall of Famers are from Cleveland. Seriously the only famous musician from Cleveland I can think of is Bone Thugs N' Harmony. I thought at the very least Cleveland was named after former US president Grover Cleveland. NO. They were named after some general named "Moses Cleaveland." You read that right. They took some random general's name misspelled it and that's how they gave their city a name. Cleveland in a nutshell.

What about the city itself? It is an "industrial" city which is fancy talk for "dirty, run-down and smoggy." There are no famous tourist attractions. No beautiful parks to hang out in. No historical monuments. You can't even go to somewhere just outside of Cleveland to find something fun to do. Because after all you're still in Ohio and there is nothing there. It's cold. Its depressing. It's a barren wasteland. Neil Young once wrote a song called "Ohio." Have you ever listened to that song? Lets just say if you are ever doing heroin in your basement and wrestling with the idea of killing yourself, listening to "Ohio" for 3 minutes will make your decision for you. Pretty appropriate considering how depressing it is to be a resident of the state.

With Lebron in Cleveland for 6 years, Cleveland finally had something to la claim to. They had the best player in the world. They had an attraction. They had somebody from their city worth having skyscraper sized billboards for. Hell they had the BEST "something" for once in their life. Of course with this came the expectation that Lebron would make a Cleveland franchise "the best" for the first time since the leather helmet era of football.

Cleveland's sports misery is well documented with the obvious examples being the Browns choke jobs against Elway, Jordan's shot over Ehlo, and the Indians...being the Indians. To me however, the biggest dick punch that is never talked about is the fact that The Browns left town...became the Ravens...and then won the fucking Super Bowl two years later. Are you kidding me?!? We were the NFL's most devoted franchise...for a shitty team that didn't win anything f0r 40 years.... and you move them...and instantly they become great. WHAT THE HELL? Fuck you Red Sox nation at least you had the Celtics and Pats winning titles while your beloved Sawks choked year after year, and Boston is at least a cool city to live in.

Also...Cleveland is cold as the Midwest...and doesn't even have a hockey franchise. What the fuck? Carolina and San Jose have hockey teams...and Cleveland doesn't.

So Lebron James, if I were from Cleveland I would say this. "Fuck you Lebron. Thanks for that 6 year cocktease that made us believe we...Cleveland would finally amount to something. You are even from here, and have grown up for 26 years knowing our misery. You of all people should understand what a massive cockpunch this is. We are now back to being the old hopeless depressing Cleveland everyone else in the country points and laughs at. I can't say I fault you for leaving this miserable shithole. Especially since you took less money than we would have paid you to stay in this miserable shithole. Still it pisses me off that once again it sucks balls to live in Cleveland"

(Retires to basement. Turns on "Ohio") BANG!


  1. Hilarious!
    Why doesn't Cleveland have a hockey team? Columbus does? WTF?

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