Saturday, July 3, 2010

Top 5 reasons America rocks.

Usually I devote my time on this blog to ranting about things that piss me off. Tomorrow however, is the 4th of July when we celebrate the birth of the finest nation on this planet. Despite what some foreigners may tell you America totally kicks ass. Sure we have our flaws to poke fun at but they are far outweighed by all the reasons America fucking rules. In honor of our country's independence day I give you my personal Top 5 Reasons America rocks.

Reason Number 1: Patriotism

Americans love nothing more than showing their love for America. We are the most patriotic country in the world...and it's not even close. Other countries have one national anthem. Lame. We have approximately 17. Yeah we have one "official" anthem but have you ever been to a major sporting event in this country? We'll kick things off by singing "America the Beautiful," then sing the national anthem, and then 6.5 innings later when the fans have briefly forgotten how much they love America, officer Sean O'Malley will come out and sing "God Bless America." We felt the need to designate a badass animal (The bald eagle) our national symbol and put him on every American logo possible looking tough. Do other countries even have national animals? I mean ok Australia you have the koala but I doubt people have bumper stickers with a tough looking koala bear on them that says "Don't fuck with Australia."

Reason Number 2: Invented Drinking Holidays

America is of course the ultimate cultural melting pot, and Americans have always loved exploiting other cultures for their own benefit. This is especially true of drinking holidays. America loves taking random traditional holidays from other cultures and celebrating them by getting wasted. "Cinco de Mayo" commemorates the Mexican army's unlikely victory over French forces at the battle of Puebla in 1862. So clearly we randomly decided we should celebrate this in our country by getting shitfaced on tequilla and eating tacos. Mardis Gras was an old catholic tradition that we turned into a reason to parade around in New Orleans with our bros bonging beers and throw beads at drunk sorority girls that flash their tits. We jacked Octoberfest from Germany too. The best one is St. Patrick's day. Even actual Irish-Americans don't know what the fuck this holiday celebrates but hey if it's March 17th we are all getting hammered on green beer and Irish Car bombs. Sometimes I think about how offensive the idea of naming a drink an "Irish Car Bomb" is, but then I remember that combining Jameson, Baileys and Guiness together is yummy and suck it up.

Reason Number 3: We love being fat

It is a well known fact that we are the fattest nation in the world. The reason it is well known is because we embrace being fat in America. You can't go 2 blocks without hitting a different greasy fast-food joint. And these fast-food joints are constantly trying to come up with new menu items that are unhealthier that their competitors, because the grosser the food, the more likely we are to flock to your establishment. KFC just came out with a "sandwich" that is just two pieces of fried chicken sandwiching cheese and bacon. Fuck having bread, bread is for pussies, lets just cut straight to the good stuff. Every 4th of July we have the Nathan's hot dog eating competition where 10 fat-asses and 1 random little Japanese guy COMPETE to see who can eat the most hot dogs. Kids in other countries must fucking hate seeing this competition. "Oh sweet I've eaten 4 crickets in the last week and you douchebags are being given 80 hot dogs and timed to see who can eat them the fastest on tv. I hope Madonna adopts me soon so I can get to that "competition" cus I would fucking dominate that shit."

Reason Number 4: Freedom of Speech

The First Amendment kicks ass. There are other countries that claim to advocate freedom of speech but no group of people abuses that privilege to its fullest potential quite like Americans. Eminem once made an album where he bashed homosexuals, beat up his mom and one song was just a 6 minute recording of him murdering his wife. Some people thought this, but of course the whole 1st Amendment defense prevailed. "WHOA. WHOA. WTF what do you mean I can't say "faggot" repeatedly and slit my wife's throat on record?!? FREE SPEECH. This is America damnit." You're right Eminem this is America, you and everyone else can say whatever you want and not face consequences. We have shock jocks on the radio who bring in homeless people and mentally retarded people in for competitions and broadcast them over the airwaves. We are the only country that assumes it's our right to shit on the President. If Korean Will Ferrell tried to dress up like the president on a sketch comedy show, Kim Jong Izzzill would have his ass executed before the skit was over. Common folk also apply the defense of Free Speech to everything. Take this common exchange:

Loser Parent at sports bar: "Um excuse me guys could you keep the profanity to a minimum there are kids here."

Me: "Hey suck my balls dude. Why is your kid at a bar? Fucking freedom of speech I can say what I want, this is America asshole."

Loser Parent at sports bar: "You're correct sir. This IS America. I apologize for bothering you."

Seriously, that's how that always goes down. God bless Free Speech.

Reason Number 5: ANYBODY can make it here.

At this point you probably assume I am gonna rant about how great it is that a minority can become president in this country. Yeah no. When I say "anybody" can make it in America I mean "Snooki" from Jersey Shore not Obama. Seriously the most untalented mental midget can make it here. Oh you only read at a 2nd grade level? Yeah whatever so does Flavor Flav. He made a career out of yelling YEAH BOYYY!! and wearing a fucking clock around his neck. Lil' Jon followed the same career path minus the clock. They own 50 cars. Are you only good at getting wasted, falling off barstools, and being confrontational? We'll put you on reality tv. Before you know it you'll have a fucking spinoff, and people will be paying to hear you speak at colleges like you're MLK. There are people on tv who get paid mad cash to sit in a room and briefy comment on clips from the 80s. ("Shit the terminator was a bad dude. He wasn't fucking around." CUT. Great job commenting here's a million dollars) We are the only country that has people that are famous..for being famous. Fucking ridiculous. Whatever, that's great for kids in America. They can NEVER be discouraged. Seriously kid Perez Hilton made it, there is SOMETHING you're "good" at.

Let Freedom Ring bitches.

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