The Most Miserable Time of The Year

Well November has finally come to a close. Thanksgiving's passed, and you're back to work/school after your long weekend of eating, drinking, watching football and brawling with people over the right to buy a flatscreen plasma TV at half price. Every store has switched over from turkey and pilgrim decorations to cardboard Santas, multicolored lighting and Candy Canes. Tonight is the network premiere of the claymation classic: "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer." What does all this mean? It means folks, that it is officially "The Holiday Season." Time for you to start preparing for Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or whatever Tom Cruise celebrates. As many people call it: "The Most Wonderful Time of The Year." Well I'm not entirely sure who came up with that saying because the holiday season absolutely sucks balls. I hate this time of year. As angry as I am the during the other 11 months, there is no part of the year that makes me more enraged than the holidays. For this reason I now present to you the top five reasons I hate "The Most Wonderful Time of The Year." Bah fucking Humbug.

1. CHRISTMAS MUSIC

This is the only time of the year that has an entire genre of music devoted to it. As soon as Turkey day is over, it's time to throw on the yuletide carol mixtape. Look I don't mind Christmas Carols in small doses. However, do we really have to listen to christmas carols 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for a whole goddamn month? EVERYWHERE we go? Turn on your car radio and you will hear Christmas songs. Go to the grocery store or CVS and you will hear Christmas music. Go to the mall and you will hear Christmas music. The mall is really the worst because every retail chain and department store has their own annoying Christmas Jingle. I know because I worked in retail growing up. Every day I spent working inched me closer to utter insanity due to hearing our annoying holiday greeting/jingle on loop.

"For the best gifts for your loved ones this holiday season, come to Macys!"

"Maaaaacys....The best place for Holiday cheeeeer!!!"

"For the top holiday price cuts no place takes it to the Max like TJ MaxX :)!

"Christmas time at TJ Maxx! The Beeeest time of the Yeeeeear!!"

Goddamnit. Can't you just play generic store music that doesn't make me want to stab the closest person in an elf costume? At home you can't avoid this shit either, because there a billion Christmas music specials that come on every night, that you will be forced to watch with your family. A Country Christmas. American Idol Christmas. A Soulful Christmas. Apparently it is completely necessary for us to hear Reba McIntire sing "Jingle Bells" with a twang, Clay Aiken gay up "Let it Snow" and Beyonce' sing her 12 minute R&B rendition of "Little Drummer Boy" (Paaaah raaaap paaa paaa paaooohhhhhhaaaaam!!). Worse than shitty covers of classic Christmas carols are "modern Christmas songs." Every pop star releases a shitty Xmas single that they sing at these stupid music specials. I can't wait to watch Justin Bieber perform his new hit "Yo girl I Just been Waiting For You to Dance Wit Me Under The Mistletoe."

2. Decorating

It's totally reasonable to decorate your home for a holiday. Put out some Pilgrims/Indians themed table mats for Thanksgiving. Hang up some pumpkins and goblins for Halloween. Set up the Christmas tree and hang up ornaments. Whatever. The Holiday season however is when you have to go completely over the top. This is because every neighborhood has an unspoken rule that requires every house to engage in a cock measuring contest over who can have the coolest, most elaborately decorated house. You can't be the one loser household with one glowing Santa on your porch and a wreath on your door. That asshole Ned Flanders next door has stapled lights across his entire roof that blink in rhythm on a timer. He has bright lit up candy canes all down his driveway. He has the whole fucking nativity scene out in his front yard. This dickhead will then come over to you when you're checking your mail and start chatting about how much work he's put into his winter wonderland masterpiece. At this point your mom/dad can't respond "That's nice. My son is home visiting and has been sitting on his ass drinking beer and playing video games." So when you come home to visit you have a duty to go out in the frigid cold and set up Santa's sleigh and all 12 of his reindeer on the lawn. You have to risk ending up in a wheel chair to climb your 20 year old ladder and put lights up on the roof. All so that family across the street with the kids who are attending top ranked law schools, or making six figures can't get the best of you. Total bullshit.

3. Shopping

This week I saw a bunch of people put up status updates about how they were all done with their Christmas shopping. "Four weeks till Xmas and I'm already done with shopping for everyone on my list!! Yaaaay! :)" You people are fucking liars. Nobody finishes their Christmas shopping over a week in advance. Otherwise how do you explain what a shitshow the mall is when I go to do my half-assed Christmas shopping? Generally I find that it is better to order Christmas presents online these days so you don't have to deal with the annoying suburbia mob at the mall. Still there are always a couple things that you can't get online. Specialized items that require you to go out in public to the one store in town where you can purchase this gift. Of course even if you are in the store to pick up a few small items, there is now way you can make this a quick five minute trip. First of all, you can't get to the item you need without fighting past the retarded window shoppers standing in your way. You know the people who are "just looking" and still "debating" what to buy. Can you go window shop from a distance? Window shopping should be banned after December 20. If you don't know what to buy at this point, it's probably gonna be a shitty gift anyways. Just give your loved ones an Itunes gift card and get out of my way. Then you have to stand in line for an eternity with all these mental midgets and their 785 last minute purchases. Why don't they have express checkout lines in malls like at the grocery store? So I can get in and out without having to wait behind the stupid bitch who takes an hour to finalize her purchase between sorting through her purse for her checkbook (It's 2010, get a fucking Mastercard they approve everybody), and telling her bratty kids to shut the fuck up.

4. Presents

When you're a kid growing up, Christmas is definitely your favorite time of the year. This is because Christmas presents when you're a kid are totally Rad. There was always some specific badass gift at the top of your Christmas list. You kinda knew you'd get this item, but your parents always acted like it was unlikely they'd be able to find this gift you requested. They'd prob hide it until Christmas morning and then you'd open up your gift and go apeshit and act suprised when you unwrapped that special gift. "OH MOOOOM!! THIS IS JUST WHAT I WANTED THAAAAANKS!!" I swear my happiness as a human peaked at 10 when I got my G.I. Joe Battle Fort for Christmas AND "Shredder" Ninja Turtle action figure.

(BTW, The previous paragraph kinda assumes you weren't poor and your parents weren't assholes. So sorry if I offended those of you that got Hungry Man TV dinners for Xmas).

It was also easy as shit to buy presents. Your siblings/cousins got one of the designated items on their list from you. And your parents got some cheesedick sentimental gift from the "Family Memories" store in the mall. I think I got my mom a picture frame with a customized message featuring a variation of "Merry Christmas Mom you're the best mom in the world" like six consecutive Christmases. Now however, it's impossible to shop for adults, If you have a significant other you have to buy them something special and meaningful like a cruise or vacation (Unless you've been married long enough to buy them a crock pot). Or at the very least some pimp jewelry. What about mom and dad? I don't know shit about tools, so I don't know what to buy my dad from Home Depot. If Rod Stewart didn't release a new CD of Motown covers mom is getting nothing this year. As for m gifts, yeah I'm definitely not gonna get anything cool. Prob some gift cards, and some sweaters from American Eagle I'll never wear. Boring.

5. Family

Look most people love their families. Or at least like them a moderate amount. Nobody however, likes their family enough to tolerate them through an entire holiday season. If nothing else, there there are at least certain kin that you can't stand. Your annoying cousins that won't stop screaming and break everything in the house. Your dorky aunt that always wants to chat. Your grandma who wants to know when you're getting married, having kids etc. Your boozehound uncle who just wants an excuse to go "get something from the store" so he can sneak off to the local pub for a couple afternoon cocktails. (Wait actually that last guy is fucking Rad.) Regardless, at some point you will come to blows with a family member over something. You will tell your aunt she is fucking boring. You will call your dad an asshole. You will scream at your uncle for making you listen to Christmas music in the car when you want to blast some Biggie. Shit will go down. A week or longer with your family and there is no stopping the inevitable throwdown. This sucks. That being said, all I can leave you with this holiday season is this advice. Just try and survive because this bullshit only happens once a year. Try not to completely lose your mind at the mall and assault a store clerk. Don't tell your mom you wish you were adopted. And go out with your pops in the cold and put up those damn Christmas lights. In the meantime, I'm gonna have to find someplace to fit this damn tree.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TYlOTajXGg&feature=related

Sunday Evening Rad Flick

Generally, when you're talking about Rad flicks, you don't expect the term "romance" to come up very often. Unless you're a John Mayer fan whose idea of a Rad Sunday evening is curling up with "The Notebook." You certainly wouldn't expect the term "romance" to be included in the title of a Rad flick, which is why naming this week's Rad Sunday flick may be met with a curious look if you recommend it to somebody. You would have to emphasize that this particular "romance" involves hookers on the run from mobsters, stolen briefcases of cocaine, shootout with drug dealers, and corkscrew stabbings. Oh and a cast involving pretty much every Rad actor..ever. This week's Sunday Evening Rad Flick: TRUE ROMANCE.

True Romance fucking rules. Lets start by noting that True Romance was the first major motion picture screenplay written by Quentin Tarentino (though he didn't direct). So right off the bat you can assume this movie is going to be some over the top, crazy Rad entertainment filled with great dialogue, a rollercoaster plot, and gratuitous violence. True Romance stars Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette's tits as our two main characters. They play our lovers on the run in the film, Clarence and Alabama. Clarence is a down on his luck loser and Alabama is his hooker with a heart of gold. Without giving away too much about the plot, they meet, get married on a whim, and then accidentally choose to fuck with the possessions of the wrong people. Then the fun begins and we're off, watching Clarence and Alabama on the run, eluding bad guys and trying to get rich quick without getting killed. You'll be glued to the screen hoping these two crazy Rad kids make it.

The funny thing about True Romance is that the two aformentioned lead characters are played by the least prominent members of the film's cast. The cast of True Romance is absolutely loaded with badass actors playing small secondary roles. Each of whom makes the most of their brief time onscreen. You've got Gary Oldman playing a sleazy rastafarian. You've got James Gandolfini in his pre-Soprano days playing a mob henchman. You've got Brad Pitt cast as a lovable stoner. Val Kilmer is cast as...Elvis? Even Balki from "Perfect Strangers" (Bronson Pinchot) shows up as key member of the cast. Of course no Tarentino flick would be complete without Samuel L. Jackson making an appearance. He's literally in the movie for about two minutes, but as usual it's one of the most memorable dialogue sequences of the entire movie.

Of course, as I mentioned before no Rad flick is complete without "The Scene." That one part of the movie you could watch a million times on repeat if you were stranded on an island. In True Romance this scene is the one featuring two lifetime achievement Rad dudes in Christopher Walken and the recently deceased Dennis Hopper. Both these guys have made careers out of memorable bit parts in movies, (think Walken in "Pulp Fiction" and Hopper in "Apocalypse Now") and this moment ranks right up there with their finest work. Christopher Walken is mobster Vincent Carcotti or as he describes himself "The anti-Christ in a vendetta kinda mood." Dennis Hopper plays Clarence's dad Clifford, a nice guy small town cop. Carcotti and his mafia hoods are interrogating Clifford regarding the wherabouts of his "fuckhead son" and his new bride on the run. Somehow this leads to a discussion about...Sicilians. The ensuing interaction is an absolute overload of Rad and one of my favorite movie scenes ever (DISCLAIMER: contains offensive NSFW language. Duh. So use your headphones).

Take an evening to check out this totally Rad flick and you won't be disappointed. Try as I did in the previous paragraphs to describe the sheer awesomeness of this movie, I can't really put into words just how Rad this flick is. Honestly, I really could have picked any of a dozen choices for "The Scene" in this movie, though I feel like this selection gives the least away. So give True Romance a shot. In the meantime, I'm gonna go have that Chesterfield now...

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

Generally my Friday Afternoon Rad Jam selections are throwback jams from back in the day. Songs from an era where Rock and Roll was actually Rad as opposed to totally lame. There are however, still occasionally bands that emerge in modern times that actually rock your balls off. Bands that are not content with the current stagnant state of the music world, where our airwaves are overrun with dipshits bands that label themselves "rock." Unfortunately, if a band is actually awesome they aren't generally going to be found on your major city's rock station. You won't find them selling out a nationwide arena rock tour. Instead they are relegated to playing bars and clubs, paying their dues until the day tarrives when rock music once again decides to return to its roots of being Rad. You see unlike the good ol' days, now if your band kicks ass they are probably simply too Rad for the mainstream to handle. Well this week I am going to give some exposure to a definitively Rad band that needs to make it to the big time. This week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: COLOSSUS: KILL MORE BETTER.

Colossus is ridiculously Rad. First of all note their name. "COLOSSUS" One signature epic word. What a concept. Clearly this band was too focused on melting your face with their overload of shreddage to come up with some clever hipster name for their band like The Rainbow Eel Suitcases or some similar bullshit. No just keep it simple, just like their awesomely badass music. You know how if you look up the info on a modern band their is some elaborate description of their sound that is just a roundabout way of saying they suck balls? "We're an electro-drums alternative trio that combines hip-hop, jazz and acoustic funk into a fusion sound." Oh cool so you suck, good talk. Colossus on the other describes their band thusly:

"The Six mini-Colossoi are slaves to the power of the lord Poseidon, and must do his bidding. He commands us to rock unsuspecting youth in your bars and houses, drinking your beer and crushig your skulls with thundering beats, baroque polyphony, galloping basses, and soaring vocals. -- All of which testify to the awesome power of mighty Poseidon."

In other words: Totally Fucking Rad. A couple buddies and I discovered Colossus when we were down in North Carolina over the summer. The previous evening we had gotten a little too Rad at my friend's family beachhouse and nearly burned it to the ground, so we decided it was safer to go out in public and check out the beach town's bar scene. We logically decided that a bar named "The Whiskey" was the best option for cheap booze and general avoidance of frat douchebags. Upon walking into The Whiskey our eardrums were immediately shattered by the epic metal of the mighty Colossus. Who were these guys?? They had three LEAD guitarists shredding onstage. Power drums and thundering basslines. A singer that wails. Where did they get off being so fucking Rad? We were hooked on their sound instantly and have been super fans ever since. Whenever Colossus is in the area for a show we check them out and are never disappointed. Colossus is so cool, that even when you see them play after a number of months they recognize their Rad fans. "Oh yeah you're AC/DC guy and Van Halen shirt dude." (Rad dudes instantly recognize and acknowledge other Rad dudes at all times.)

Colossus' debut album "Colossus...And The Rift of The Pan-Dimensional Undergods" totally rocked. I would recommend checking out "Willow" and "Limit Break" as personal favorites on their first CD. This year they released their second EP "Drunk on Blood" which was even more Rad and even got them a well-deserved spot on Itunes. For this week's Rad Jam I have selected their smash hit Rad Jam: Kill More Better. I obviously have a personal appreciation for this track's subject matter since it is all about signing up for an army that combats ghouls during the zombie apocalypse. I often bitch about modern rock bands that have totally lame lyrical content that doesn't focus on Booze, Drugs, and hot chicks. Well you can avoid these subjects in your music if you're singing about totally epic topics like mythical creatures, medieval warfare, and the slaughtering of zombies. Aka stuff that is totally Rad. I assume Colossus is somewhere devouring giant turkey drumsticks with their bare hands, crushing beers, and planning the recording of their next Rad masterpiece as we speak. So do them a favor and spend the rest of your Thanksgiving weekend blasting this jam as loud as possible. Poseidon wouldn't want it any other way.

Bands That Suck Balls: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

I was having some difficulty coming to a decision on who would be this week's entry for Bands That Suck Balls. Then inspiration struck me when I went to Super Cuts to get my head buzzed. In waiting in line for my haircut I perused the reading options in the magazine pile and came across the December issue of "Spin Magazine" pictured left. Spin Magazine is basically Rolling Stone for hipsters. Or at least hipsters that are not quite hip enough to read "Pitchfork" or "Paste." Long story short their magazine blows, and any band they would pick to grace their cover is undoubtedtly awful. Therefore, It's only logical that this week's Band That Sucks Balls be: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE.

God, My Chemical Romance are such a collection of dipshits. First of all they follow the standard modern band trend of naming their band some stupid random combination of words that emphasizes "Irony." How exactly does a group of assclowns decide to name their band "My Chemical Romance"..? I thought to myself "hmm, well maybe they're referencing a Chemical Romance: i.e. a relationship built on lots of crazy substance abuse." Nope. Obviously a craptastic band like this wouldn't hint at any cool behavior in their name. No, clearly MCR came up with their name via noticing the interesting title of a book while one of their members was working in a library (Totally Un-Rad activity). If you think their band's name is lame, wait till you see the titles of their albums. They just released a new CD this week entitled "Danger Days: The True Lives of The Fabulous Killjoys." WHAT? I'm pretty sure there has never been a badass rock album with the word "Fabulous" in its title. Their debut album was entitled "I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me our Love." Jesus Christ. Remember when awesome bands just named their first four albums "I" through "IV"..? That was cool.

Clearly a band that spends so much time coming up with clever ironic names for their records, must have no time to actually record cool music. My Chemical Romance is proof of this because their music is fucking horrible. Lets name off some genres/themes that absolutely suck monkey balls.

"Alternative": Noise
"Power Punk": Sucks Balls
"Emo": Pussy bullshit
"Goth": code for "I am a fucking loser whose entire wardrobe is from Hot Topic"

Well if you combine all these elements in one giant crockpot of shit and stir, you get My Chemical Romance. If you were to label these dickheads, you would say that they are an Alternative Power Punk Emo Goth band . Which is a longwinded way of saying My Chemical Romance plays "rock" that makes me want to punt puppies off a skyscraper. Generally Emo/Goth kids play pussy music with a more quiet sound. They are too busy keeping their combover out of their eye, and being sad that they didn't get a new Honda Accord for their birthday to turn up their amps. My Chemical Romance however, fancy themselves as a punk band so they play loud, thrashing pansy music as opposed to brooding acoustic pansy music. Music for their depressed fanbase to mosh to. A fanbase that all look like the offspring of a hipster mating with Edward Scissorhands.

My Chemical Romance is also another one of those bands that likes to make "concept" albums and "Rock Operas." Generally these albums are long drawn out pieces of shit. See "The Wall" and anything made by Green Day this millenium. Hell, I'm a pretty huge fan of The Who and I'm not crazy about "Quadrophenia" and "Tommy" in their entirety. Still, there is possibly nothing worse in the world than the "concept" of an Emo-Goth-Punk rock opera. Do you want to know what MCR's last hit album "The Black Parade" was about...? A FUCKING KID DYING OF CANCER. Are you kidding me?? Who the hell wants to listen to that? I mean nothing is more in the spirit of Rock and Roll than an album about a leukemia patient. Christ. Can you just shoot me in the face and save me the trouble of hanging myself to this CD? Whatever happened to the "concept" of a rock album being just a documentary of your last Rad world tour? Somebody pull the cord on these assholes before they decide to record an entire rock opera about a family perishing in a car wreck.

Well there are a lot of whiney, brooding pussies amongst today's youth so My Chemical Romance's target audience should remain intact for a while. They also have the benefit of critical acclaim from douchbag media outlets like Spin Magazine who love bands that don't follow the standard badass rock and roll format. So we are probably in store for more shitty concept albums with 10 word titles. Albums that gobble nuts like you gobble up stuffing on Thanksgiving. Well don't expect me to support this bullshit. My Chemical Romance and their army of goth punks can all go jump off a bridge. That's a concept I could really get behind.

Sunday Evening Rad Flick

I've made it very clear on this blog just how disgusted I am with the current state of music (or rather what passes for "music" these days. Rock and Roll however, is not the only entertainment industry that I have utter disdain for. I also have serious beefs with Hollywood and the film excrement they try to pass of as cinematic excellence. I used to be addicted to going to the movies and hitting up Blockbuster for the latest rental releases. Now I'm lucky if there is one movie a year that I am truly impressed with. A truly classic flick that above all is highly rewatchable. Any movie can be enjoyable once, but a Rad flick can be watched over and over again, and never gets old. Timeless flicks are a rarity these days, so I'm adding a new feature to The Lawn where I will showcase a Rad flick each week, while angrily shitting on other non-Rad films. This week's Sunday Evening Rad Flick: CARLITO'S WAY.

If I were to say to you, "Quick name me a super Rad movie directed by Brian De Palma, starring Al Pacino as a Latin-American drug kingpin," what would your first answer be? It would obviously be "Scarface" right? Wrong answer. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. If you were a true connoisseur of Rad flicks you would have quickly responded "Carlito's Way." I'm sorry but Scarface is one of the most overrated gangster flicks ever and certainly Al Pacino's most overhyped role as an actor. Just like every other dude in the world I obviously "like" Scarface. It's hilariously over the top 80's cheesedick entertainment, that rates about a 17 out of 10 on the unintentional comedy scale. It is not however, a "good movie." And Al Pacino's ridiculous Cuban accent and coked up machissmo is not "good acting." Saying Scarface is the greatest gangster movie ever is kinda like saying you consider Poison the greatest rock band in history. For truly Rad gangster entertainment featuring Pacino as a far more subtle badass you should turn to Carlito's Way.

Carlito's Way is such a fucking Rad flick. Most gangster flicks follow a familiar formula: Watch the badass main character as he rises from humble beginnings to a position of power in the crime world, and then watch his fall from the top that eventually leads to his incarceration/death. Carlito's Way however is one of the few flicks that focuses on a gangster that has already experienced all of the highs and lows of his illegal profession, and is now actually making an effort to get out of the game and get involved with legitimate business. Basically a retired Rad dude, that is now trying to get his shit together. In Carlito's Way we have newly released from prison Po-Rican drug kingpin Carlito Brigante ("The JP Morgan of the Smack business"), making a return to his old streets. Only now he's trying to go straight. Yeah well clearly that shit ain't happening. Not when you have a coked up scumbag attorney (A sleaztastic Senn Penn with totally Rad Jew fro) holding you in his debt for getting your ass out of the pen early. Not when you got District Attorneys with a hard-on for you, waiting for a slip-up. Not when you got chain-snatching, jive-ass maricon motherfuckers like Benny Blanco (From the Bronx) and Pachanga looking to make a name for themselves. Even as a legit club owner Charlie will have to look over his shoulder everytime he blows his nose. His plan for getting outta the game is completely fucked from the get-go.

Carlito's Way has all the essential elements needed for a classic Rad flick. First of all, it has totally badass dialogue. Remember all those awesome intros on the old school Jay-Z albums?

"OK I RELOADED! You Muthafuckas think you big time?? Fuckin wit me you gon' die big time! Here come da Pain!"

"Somebody's pulling me close to the ground...I ain't panicked.."

Yeah people generally assume these lines are from Scarface. They're not. They're from Carlito's Way. Carlito's Way also benefits from following the inner dialogue narration format (ala "Goodfellas"), where Carlito cracks eggs of knowledge all over your ass throughout the film, in talking about the pitfalls of the hustler's code and how hard it is to lose your gangster instincts. "He don't invite this shit..it comes to him..he runs, it runs after him.." This is another rad element of the flick. Our hero's constant inner-conflict. Rad flicks never have a boy scout for a hero. The main dude has gotta be flawed in some manner, walking the fine line between right and wrong. Brigante has to toe the line between staying out of trouble to avoid a return to incarceration, while also maintaining his rep as a badass amongst the mobsters, drug dealers and thugs. At every corner he's gotta pick between firing back and running away from the shootout. He's gotta decide which low-lifes he needs to kill and which ones just need to be sent a message by being hurled down a flight of stairs. He's gotta figure out how much he can truly pay back his cokehead lawyer David Kleinfeld, without putting his own ass on the line. After all, "A Favor gon' kill you faster than a bullet." These are the dilemmas that drive every moment of this Rad flick.

Perhaps the most important element of any Rad flick is "The Scene." I don't mean just a cool movie scene. I mean a moment in a flick that is truly memorable. You know where you're flipping through your TV and you land on that one scene in a movie that you HAVE to watch. I don't care what I'm doing, I am not leaving this couch till this scene is over. THAT scene. In "Carlito's Way" The Scene is the extended chase scene through Grand Central/Penn Station (check the IMDB goofs section on the film for further explanation). This scene is totally Rad. You are on the edge of your seat the entire time. How long can Carlito hide out behind that pillar? Can he get on this subway train and duck his pursuers? How many bad guys can he possibly take out with his one Baretta? Will he make the last Amtrak to Miami with his pregnant girlfriend in tow? Has he truly tied up ALL loose ends in his life, or is there one base he left uncovered? As Carlito himself tells you earlier, if you can't see all the angles...you're in trouble. Anyways I can't delve any deeper without spoiling this rad flick for you.

So just take an evening off from watching your limited edition platinum 20th Anniversary copy of Scarface for the zillionth time, and rent/Netflix a far better gangster pic. Carlito Brigante motherfucker to the max. Go along for the ride..the whole ride..all the way to the end of the line wherever that is.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

Recording a truly classic Rad album is no easy task. I mean a lot of bands can come out with a couple of classic jams. Release a Rad single once every couple of years. Gain a following due to their badass live show. How many bands however, have recorded a truly timeless Rad album? You know one of those CDs you could throw in, and not have to skip a single track.Literally EVERY single song, from track 1 through track 13 is totally Rad. I mean what kinda band could possibly sustain 24/7 Radness throughout the entire recording process of an album? That doesn't seem feesible. That is of course, unless you are the band responsible for this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: GUNS N' ROSES.

There have been lots of classic albums recorded in rock history. Lots of albums that you could pretty much listen to in their entirety. Consult any "greatest ever" list from Rolling Stone or Vh1 and debate which one's your favorite. GNR's "Appetite For Destruction" however is by far and without question the Raddest CD of all time. There is zero debate. If there were a list compiled of the Raddest albums in music history Appetite would be ranked 1-5. The "worst" tracks on Appetite (Anything Goes and You're Crazy come to mind..) would easily be the best songs on a modern rock album/radio station today. This band and the recording of Appetite were an un unprecedented overload of Rad. Take every element possible you can think of that exemplifies true badass Rock and Roll music, multiply it by ten and throw it in a blender, and you might come close to summarizing the creation of Appetite.

If you were to think of Appetite and songs I might pick for a Friday afternoon Rad jam, the albums major hits would probably be the first come to mind. Welcome to the Jungle, Paradise City, Sweet Child O' Mine..you know your usual GNR jukebox classics. I have chosen instead to select the final track on Appetite, "Rocket Queen" as this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam. It is my personal favorite GNR song of all time, the best song on Appetite, and perhaps the song that truly showcases everything GNR represents. I don't know if there is another song that perfectly toes the line between being a totally dirty rock jam and a power ballad. I mean how do you really strike a perfect balance between writing a a rocking, raunchy Rad jam and recording a love song? Generally you gotta do one or the other. Rocket Queen somehow pulls this off by basically combining two separate songs into one classic Rad jam.

The first part of Rocket Queen is a dirty, angry letter to this girl that Axl and the rest of the band were infatuated with when they were coming up in the LA rock scene. A so called "queen of the underground scene," aka some totally hard partying rad groupie/aspiring singer. Part 1 of one kinda lets this girl know what's up and emphasizes that Axl and the boys aren't naive and generally won't take any shit from some stupid bimbo under any circumstances. Halfway through the song you hear what appear to be some sexual moaning from some woman. Yeah Axl decided that to drive his point home, he needed to record himself banging some chick on record and throw it into the mix. By "some chick" I mean...drummer Steven Adler's girlfriend. Yeah when you discuss the recording of Appetite you get ridiculous fact nuggets like this that are too crazy to make up. Suffice to say Adler wasn't particularly happy about this, but hey bands like GNR don't let disputes over women get in the way of their number 1 priority: Making Rad music.

Axl claimed he wanted to end this balls to the wall dirty rock record on a positive note, so that's where part 2 of Rocket Queen comes in. The band suddenly turns down their tendency to rock your fucking ass off..just a notch..and erupts into a totally Rad breakdown. Here Axl takes some time out to be like.."Look even though I just bitched you out, and we hate each other, and I like threw a lamp at you that one time...I still love you...so just know that if you ever need anything I'll be there." If that's not a rock and roll love affair summarized in a nutshell, I don't know what is. And then of course the entire band takes you out on a group jam session and Axl closes this Rad jam by wailing out his final caring sentiments. Boom. Perhaps the best (and only) "Rad Power Rock Jam/Anthem/Love Ballad" ever. Enjoy your weekend folks. Make sure people realize that while you might be a little young honey, you ain't naive.

Bands That Suck Balls: THE ARCADE FIRE

I got a lot of negative feedback regarding my Pink Floyd entry last week, since apparently a large proportion of my audience has had memorable experiences tripping balls to Dark Side of The Moon. So this week I will go back to bashing modern music, since it's a fact that modern "rock" universally sucks dick and I am not even willing to acknowledge anyone that would argue otherwise. Of course since I don't really pay attention to modern rock bands, there are currently a lot of famous bands that I assume suck, whose music I have never bothered to listen to. So until I stumble upon them and see what all the unnecessary hype is about, I can't really render a fair opinion. One example would be this collection of shitbags that I stumbled upon while making the mistake of checking out SNL's musical guest this week. It's a good thing I didn't have a firearm in my possession on Saturday night because I would have definitely shot a hole in my tv or my head after listening to these assholes perform. This Weeks Band That Suck Balls: THE ARCADE FIRE.

The Arcade Fire hail from Montreal, Quebec, Canada. So they are not only Canadian...they're French-Canadian. Feel free to read on, but I think this fact already establishes that these guys most definitely gobble nuts on a platter. You couldn't come up with a gayer combination than French-Canadian if you put "Glee" on the Bravo network. The Arcade Fire are also very critically acclaimed by douchebag music magazines across the globe which is tell-tale sign #2 that their music probably blows. For strike #3 we'll point to the fact that their genre is listed as "Indie." When originally coined, the term "indie-rock" band simply meant underground..you hadn't yet reached the mainstream..you were simply on an independent non-major record label. Now of course being an "indie" band means you don't actually fit into a real music genre because your music isn't really music, but rather some weird fusion of shitty sounds.

The Arcade Fire are..just...fucking awful. This band is like the intoxicated wet dream of the most demented hipster after a few too many PBRs. First of all there are approximately 77 band members in The Arcade Fire. Generally cool rock bands have 3-5 members in their group. There are only two scenarios where you can have 10 plus members and make cool music. (A) You're a funk band. (B) You're Lynyrd Skynyrd and consider having six guitarists completely necessary for maximum overdose of America all over your ass. Otherwise if you have 10 or more members, you are likely a shittastic rock band. Aka you are The Arcade Fire. The Arcade Fire have got to have the most random ensemble of musical instruments ever put together and defined as a band. They are like the Hipster orchestra version of the Wu-Tang Clan, except instead of a bunch of badasses in black hoodies rapping about kung-fu warfare onstage, you get a bunch of dickheads in suspenders with sideways part haircuts singing about bullshit.

Lets examine the members of this douchebag collective. There's your standard guitar, drums and bass, none of which are played well. In fact in one live performance I saw, the lead singer literally wore his guitar...backwards...because he had no use for it. They are just there to present the appearance of a rock and roll band. Now for the rest of the assclowns. There is some stupid hipster bitch that bangs on a keyboard repetitively. There is a guy with a fucking tom-tom who bangs on his marching drum like a hearing impaired retarded child. There is a standup bass. When do you ever need a fucking standup bass in your rock band unless you are a 1920s jazz band playing in a speakeasy? There are violins, violas and cellos. Some tubas and french horns. There is a fucking xylophone and glockenspiel in the group. SERIOUSLY? A FUCKING GLOCKENSPIEL?? I'm sorry are we attending a rock and roll concert or a Goddamn elementary school recital? What happened to the guys that played the oboe and recorder? Did the Bassoon player get fired due to creative differences? Jesus christ. Everybody in the band in addition to playing their shitty orchestral instrument plays the role of backup singer humming in unison (yes HUMMING). Whatever I won't complain too much about that, anything that takes away from the sad faced lead singer weeping about his feelings.

Seeing this band not only make it big, but get critical praise absolutely infuriates me. Seriously it makes me question what kind of world we live in where the equivalent of a 4th grade music class jam session is classified as "brilliant rock and roll." Is your kindergartener currently banging away on a Fisher Price xylophone in the basement? Make him stick with it! He can play in a famous rock band someday!! Kill me now. Listening to these French-Canadian assholes bang away on their glockenspiels and tom-toms and hum in prefect harmony almost makes me long for the days when Celine Dion was the shittiest U.S. import Quebec was responsible for. Somebody get these hipster hosers the fuck out of here before I set fire to a daycare center.