Bands That Suck Balls: THE ARCADE FIRE

I got a lot of negative feedback regarding my Pink Floyd entry last week, since apparently a large proportion of my audience has had memorable experiences tripping balls to Dark Side of The Moon. So this week I will go back to bashing modern music, since it's a fact that modern "rock" universally sucks dick and I am not even willing to acknowledge anyone that would argue otherwise. Of course since I don't really pay attention to modern rock bands, there are currently a lot of famous bands that I assume suck, whose music I have never bothered to listen to. So until I stumble upon them and see what all the unnecessary hype is about, I can't really render a fair opinion. One example would be this collection of shitbags that I stumbled upon while making the mistake of checking out SNL's musical guest this week. It's a good thing I didn't have a firearm in my possession on Saturday night because I would have definitely shot a hole in my tv or my head after listening to these assholes perform. This Weeks Band That Suck Balls: THE ARCADE FIRE.

The Arcade Fire hail from Montreal, Quebec, Canada. So they are not only Canadian...they're French-Canadian. Feel free to read on, but I think this fact already establishes that these guys most definitely gobble nuts on a platter. You couldn't come up with a gayer combination than French-Canadian if you put "Glee" on the Bravo network. The Arcade Fire are also very critically acclaimed by douchebag music magazines across the globe which is tell-tale sign #2 that their music probably blows. For strike #3 we'll point to the fact that their genre is listed as "Indie." When originally coined, the term "indie-rock" band simply meant underground..you hadn't yet reached the mainstream..you were simply on an independent non-major record label. Now of course being an "indie" band means you don't actually fit into a real music genre because your music isn't really music, but rather some weird fusion of shitty sounds.

The Arcade Fire are..just...fucking awful. This band is like the intoxicated wet dream of the most demented hipster after a few too many PBRs. First of all there are approximately 77 band members in The Arcade Fire. Generally cool rock bands have 3-5 members in their group. There are only two scenarios where you can have 10 plus members and make cool music. (A) You're a funk band. (B) You're Lynyrd Skynyrd and consider having six guitarists completely necessary for maximum overdose of America all over your ass. Otherwise if you have 10 or more members, you are likely a shittastic rock band. Aka you are The Arcade Fire. The Arcade Fire have got to have the most random ensemble of musical instruments ever put together and defined as a band. They are like the Hipster orchestra version of the Wu-Tang Clan, except instead of a bunch of badasses in black hoodies rapping about kung-fu warfare onstage, you get a bunch of dickheads in suspenders with sideways part haircuts singing about bullshit.

Lets examine the members of this douchebag collective. There's your standard guitar, drums and bass, none of which are played well. In fact in one live performance I saw, the lead singer literally wore his guitar...backwards...because he had no use for it. They are just there to present the appearance of a rock and roll band. Now for the rest of the assclowns. There is some stupid hipster bitch that bangs on a keyboard repetitively. There is a guy with a fucking tom-tom who bangs on his marching drum like a hearing impaired retarded child. There is a standup bass. When do you ever need a fucking standup bass in your rock band unless you are a 1920s jazz band playing in a speakeasy? There are violins, violas and cellos. Some tubas and french horns. There is a fucking xylophone and glockenspiel in the group. SERIOUSLY? A FUCKING GLOCKENSPIEL?? I'm sorry are we attending a rock and roll concert or a Goddamn elementary school recital? What happened to the guys that played the oboe and recorder? Did the Bassoon player get fired due to creative differences? Jesus christ. Everybody in the band in addition to playing their shitty orchestral instrument plays the role of backup singer humming in unison (yes HUMMING). Whatever I won't complain too much about that, anything that takes away from the sad faced lead singer weeping about his feelings.

Seeing this band not only make it big, but get critical praise absolutely infuriates me. Seriously it makes me question what kind of world we live in where the equivalent of a 4th grade music class jam session is classified as "brilliant rock and roll." Is your kindergartener currently banging away on a Fisher Price xylophone in the basement? Make him stick with it! He can play in a famous rock band someday!! Kill me now. Listening to these French-Canadian assholes bang away on their glockenspiels and tom-toms and hum in prefect harmony almost makes me long for the days when Celine Dion was the shittiest U.S. import Quebec was responsible for. Somebody get these hipster hosers the fuck out of here before I set fire to a daycare center.