Let's Dance....again!!

If you've ever sat around wondering what audience is responsible for the worst programming on television, I have an answer for you. CHICKS. Seriously chicks will watch the absolute worst garbage possible, whenever they get a chance. Who would be interested in watching a bunch of C-list celebrities engage in a weekly dance competition? CHICKS. Who would want to check out a million "The Bachelor" dating show spinoffs on VH1? CHICKS. Who in the fuck would want to watch a show where the Kardashian sisters just walk around doing nothing..? (Unless you count "being a rich spoiled twat" an occupation) CHICKS. For the most part I have some understanding as to what attracts the estrogen patrol to all this aforementioned trash TV. Ok chicks like dancing...and the perks of dating..and fancy handbags. Whatever. The one female DVR favorite that I fail to grasp however, is "GLEE."

GLEE has got to be the stupidest concept for a tv show in history. So naturally chicks fucking LOVE it. Not only do chicks watch this fucking stupid excuse for a series they love talking about the stupid goddamn show. Do chicks just have these retarded "Gleek" convos in the privacy of their own Fro-Yo get-togethers? NO. Instead they will put up a subtle Glee tribute status message up about the week's GLEE episode up on G-chat and Facebook for all the world to see, waiting for all their gal pals to comment on it. Your typical post-Glee evening comment thread:

Whore 1: Glee. BRITNEY. Got. to. LOVE IT. :)

Whore 2: OMG it was sooooo good tonight!! I loooved the "Ooops I did it again" breakdown in the cafeteria!!

Whore 3: Give me a siiiiiiiiign!! Hit me Baby one more time!! LOL!!

Jesus christ. If you are one of my female readers you are probably thinking right now "well I mean of course you don't like a show tunes show. You are a dude. I assume you don't own limited edition copies of "West Side Story" and "Grease" either." Well you'd be right to assume that I'm not exactly the hugest fan of broadway musicals or high school singoffs between rival crews. That doesn't mean I don't understand the creative talent between these entities. I mean some woman and her homosexual best friend had to sit down and take the time write a story set entirely to an original soundtrack, and choreograph a bunch of dance numbers filled with dramatic leaps. That takes SOME talent. GLEE however, is a show filled with a bunch of people singing and dancing to songs other people wrote. That is fucking stupid. How much "work" do the GLEE writers do every week? Pretty sure I could present you with a transcript of every GLEE writer session ever.

Female Writers: "Well last week we had a bunch of people prancing around to Lady GaGa in the gym, how bout this week we switch it up and do a couple Katy Perry numbers on the football field?"

Gay dude co-writers: "Faaaaaaaabulous!!!"

Female Writers: "Meeting adjourned!! Lets go get Frappuccinos!!"

Also the storyline of a broadway or movie musical can generally only extend to a maximum of three hours, especially when it's about a high school. High school is boring how much shit can possibly happen? Boy meets girl. Boy and girl profess love for each other through song. Boy and Girl break up through slow ballad number. Boy and girl get back together through triumphant song number. Everybody in the cast engages in an elaborate mass dance number. The End. Donzo. How the fuck do you extend a high school musical storyline for an entire season? How many times can relationships end and begin to jovial Billboard 200 pop hits? How many times can a dance-off break out in the hallways. How does the football team ever win a fucking game if they spend every week's practice singing Justin Bieber hits? I bet the high school GLEE is set in has the shittiest sports program in the nation.

Anyways, the ladies control tv ratings so America is probably in store for eight more seasons of GLEE mania. Just don't expect me to gain a comprehension of what fascinates its viewers anytime soon. You'd have better luck teaching me quantum physics than you would explaining the phenomenon that is GLEE. So keep your GLEE watching hysteria to yourself ladies. We men will be busy watching more high brow programming involving men eating giant quadruple bacon burgers on the Travel Channel.

I Wish Your House was Burning Jim Rome.

When I was in college a couple friends and I briefly had a sports talk radio show on the local college station. Every guy enjoys a good sports debate/screaming match so we figured why not take our standard Friday night drunk argument to the airwaves? Our show was rated slightly lower than Sunday night indie rock hour, but whatever for the most part we had a good yelling our warped viewpoints over the AM radio for an hour a week while our 17 loyal campus fans that were too stoned to change the dial listened in. Of course this type of forum was not an original idea on our part. There are sports talk radio shows all across America. Many of these amateur sports debaters wrote or screamed their way to a national sports debate forum on ESPN radio or better yet the World Wide Leader's actual TV network. For the most part I tune into these shows and enjoy hearing debate of the weekend's top sports headlines. The one exception to this of course is the obnoxious cock gobbler pictured left: Jim Fucking Rome.

Jim Rome is a total dickhead. The whole point of sports talk radio shows to me as I iplied earlier is the concept of a good old fashioned debate. Couple of fat armchair quarterbacks sitting around shooting the shit about why your favorite franchise is 0-3. One guy blames the coach. Other guy blames the quarterback. Whatever. You the loyal listener/viewer get to sit at home and decide whose view is less nonsensical. That's entertainment. That's "Mike and Mike in the morning." That's "PTI." Well what if you just get some shithead who gets a show all to himself and gets to tell everyone in the world what the fuck is up with nobody across from him to tell him he's bat-shit crazy? His opinion is the gospel and you will all listen to it.Well then you my friend would be listening to Jim Rome's forum for spewing lunacy: "Rome is Burning."

"Rome is Burning" is a fucking horrible show. It would be bad enough if Jim Rome just had a national radio show. That would piss me enough. Well now he has a goddamn TV show. It comes on right after Sportscenter and NFL live, and right before Around the Horn and "PTI" (all shows I actually enjoy). So inevitably I'm sitting around on my couch with ESPN on surfing the web or doing some homework or whatever, when I realize that I've been listening to "Rome is Burning" for 20 minutes. Goddamit. And I have to now listen till the end of the show because there is nothing on in the mid-afternoon. I don't feel like switching to the last 10 minutes of fucking All my Children or a King of Queens re-run, and missing the start of an ESPN talk show I actually like.

Jim Rome's afternoon rant programming can best be described as "The O'Reilley Factor" for sports. You see Jim Rome never actually discusses the day's top sports stories. He just rants about what is wrong with the picture based on his expert opinion. Your team lost because their quarterback is a crybaby pussy. Your favorite athlete got a DUI because they are an irresponsible child that doesn't take his job seriously. He will then address them directly (over a media forum and not to their face) and tell them that they need to be accountable for their actions. A typical Jim Rome headline breakdown will go something like this:

"Hey Carmelo Anthony. Don't tell us you didn't want to be traded. In that case why does everyone think you want to be traded? Why are there so many rumors about you demanding a trade? Clearly you wanted a trade and now you're hiding behind a podium trying to blame the media for your selfish demands. Don't be a liar. Be a man and act accountable for your actions!"

You see Jim Rome likes to publically ridicule athletes for their every action in the most overblown way possible. Where another sports pundit might say "Tony Romo is gonna need to step up his play this December," Jim Rome will shout "Hey Romo be a man. Start being a leader. Until you learn to start doing that for your organization and not being just an overpaid choke artist nobody will respect you as a so called ELITE quarterback." Jim Rome yells everything in a stern judgmental tone like a father disciplining his delinquent 16 year old son. He is an expert on all sports issues, both on and off the field and is going to yell at you when you're not being accountable for either your play or your moral behavior.

Well I'd like to address Jim Rome: "Hey Jim Rome. You have never played a fucking professional sport in your life. So why the hell are you such an authority on how a player should talk about their impending trade? Or when they're not being enough of a leader. Have you ever been in their shoes? Oh you haven't? Well then shut the fuck up and stop acting so high and mighty. You are no better than the crazed Rush Limbaughs or internet bloggers of the world (myself included). You just happened to blow the right people in the industry and get your own show where you can yell about who's the most useless human in the world of sports with nobody across from you to say you're an idiot. I hope one of those athletes you judge on a daily basis shows up to your set with a crew of his homies and sets fire to your set with a couple of canisters of kerosene. That would be the best episode of "Rome is BURNING" ever. (pun intended)

I'm on Vacation

Friends are in town this week, so my loyal lawn followers will have to wait until Monday to read the finest in angry old man rantage on the web. Yankees are invading the state of Texas so obviously there is simply no time to spew haterade over the internet in the middle of my busy Texas vacation host schedule of feeding them Tex-Mex and BBQ, taking them to shoot firearms, tailgating and drinking lots of bourbon (Ok that last activity is not really unique to Texas or this week). Hopefully you can survive your boring work day or breaks at the library without me. In the meantime I will be on a quest..for fun.

Bands That Suck Balls: VMA "ROCK" NOMINEES

This may come as news to many of you, but there was a time when rock and roll was actually very prominent on the MTV network. Before it turned into a 24 hour reality tv channel, they actually played rock videos on MTV. All the time. Rock videos by actual badass rock bands that were totally awesome. I don't remember the first time I tried to ride a bike, but one of my earliest childhood memories was seeing the "November Rain" video. Aerosmith's "Get a Grip" videos with Alicia Silverstone? Yeah every kid's first boner remembers those videos. At the MTV VMAs these awesome rock bands performed, accepted awards wasted and got in fights with each other. There was so much awesome rock on MTV that they actually made an entire show centered around two cartoon losers named Beavis and Butthead watching Rock videos all day.

Then of course Rock and Roll died. And MTV stopped showing videos. Nowadays music videos are pretty much non existent unless you're a fan of say Beyonce or Lady GaGa or some shit. This however, didn't stop MTV from having an awards show for all the music videos they don't show on their channel which aired on Sunday. Even worse, MTV still has a best "rock" video category. This category is of course comprised of five bands that don't rock at all, and completely suck. This week's Band(s) That Suck Balls: VMA "ROCK" NOMINEES.

1. MUSE

Muse is probably the most tolerable of these five bands. Which is not to say that they don't completely blow donkey balls. Being called the most tolerable band in the 2010 VMA Rock category, is kinda like being named the funniest Wes Anderson movie. Muse sounds a lot like Depeche Mode with a slight drop of U2 thrown in. Depeche Mode was ok, but I would never proclaim "Personal Jesus" one of the greatest "rock" songs ever (And U2 obviously blows). So I can't say I can really get behind Muse being recognized in a rock category. Invent a category called "best lame arena new wave" video and put Muse in that.

2. PARAMORE

Paramore's frontman is a woman, so with apologies to Joan Jett, Stevie Nicks and the members of Heart you can pretty much kick them out of this category based on that alone. Paramore's music could be classified as an angrier version of Avril Lavigne with orange hair. You can't be a hot chick with fucking orange hair so the band doesn't even have the sex appeal factor going for their video. The band behind the woman is obviously a bunch of untalented shitbags who play three chord power rock, and could be traded out with any band from your local hipster club. Paramore or at least the chick was also nominated in the hip hop category for her contribution to the horrible rap song "Airplanes." What the fuck has the world come to when rappers are making songs with female rockers? Could you imagine DMX collaborating with Alanis Morissette? Me neither.

3. MGMT

Tell tale signs you are a hipster: (1) You're at a bar drinking PBR. (2) You wear skinny jeans and Converses. (3) You fucking love MGMT. Seriously every hipster in the world fucking loves MGMT. They are a classic example of a band that I know of simply because so many hipsters like them, but I couldn't name you a song of theirs I've heard. Well upon listening to their music you will be shocked to know that they are awful. Their sound is danceable hipster pop made up largely of electric keyboards and synthesizers. When I say danceable I mean it's ideal for quickly nodding your head back and forth to. Bands with keyboard/synth lineups are not "rock" bands. Grab a Les Paul you fucking pansy. You probably changed Natalie Portman's life so get out of this category and go record some jams for the Garden State 2 soundtrack with the fucking Shins.

4. Florence and The Machine

...? (Enters band name into Wikipedia's search engine)...

"Florence and the Machine (Often stylised as Florence + The Machine) is the recording name of English pop artist Florence Welch and a collaboration of other artists who provide backing music for her voice."

(palm to face)

(Throws chair out the window)

OK WTF? So basically this "artist" is neither "rock" or a "band." So why in the fuck is she in the rock band category? Florence is another one of those white girl female singers that can't sing and isn't attractive enough to be a pop star, that decides they still want to be in the music industry. So she makes indie pop tailor made for Mac product commercials. This is because nobody could possibly tolerate listening to this stupid bullshit for longer than a 30 second time span. This reminds me of that fucking "1, 2, 3, 4" song that came out a few years ago that would NOT FUCKING GO AWAY from my TV programming. You are not a rocker Florence go fucking sign on for Lilith Fair 2K10 with the other ugly girls in oversized dresses. I'm sure your depressing hit "Dog Days are Over" would be perfect for Sarah McLachlan's next "save the abandoned puppies" ad.

5.30 Seconds to Mars

These are the assholes that actually won the best rock video award and they are pictured above. I hate everything about these guys. First of all, what is with all these shitty bands names? How does a rock band come to the conclusion that they name themselves "30 Seconds to Mars." What a fucking stupid name, you are obviously just trying to be clever and mysterious with your random combination of words. There was once a time when if a band played metal they could simply add the term "Ica" to the end of their genre's name and come up with a kickass band name. End of story. Also, rock bands don't show up to awards shows on fucking bikes. Are you kidding me? Real bands show up to awards shows in stretch limos filled with booze, cocaine and bitches. Real bands also don't dress like models for "Gap Gay."Look at the clown on the right. Not only did he feel the need to roll up his JACKET sleeves, but he also felt the need to roll up his skinny jeans. In related news his father just killed himself for failing as a dad. I don't really have a description for their music other than to say it sounds like a great background clip to accompany the promo for this year's season of Friday Night Lights. So "Triumphant Arena Emo Rock."

30 Seconds to Mars' lead singer Jared Leto is an insufferable hipster who also happens to be a shitty actor. His finest work on the big screen is linked below, and perfectly summarizes my feelings about 30 Seconds to Mars and the state of rock music in general.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwicLgOGJOI

Repping the Burbz

YouTube is the greatest website ever. Seriously where else do you have one touch access to that awesome 1985 live rendition of "Texas Flood" AND..those highlight clips of The Bills epic 32 point comeback against the Oilers AND...that awesome clip of the chimpanzee skull-fucking a frog? Nowhere. I can't even imagine what it was like living in a world before YouTube existed. How did people ever get through their boring day at the office, without the ability to look at random YouTube clips? Well as is the case with everything else in life, stupid people ruined all the fun. People started recording themself doing anything that could possibly lead them to getting enough hits on their clip to be proclaimed a web phenomenon. The worst example of this is white suburban people...rapping.

Seriously there is no limit to "funny" YouTube clips of white people rapping about everyday activities. White people of course love mocking the hip-hop ideals of "repping your hood" and throwing up gang signs, so why not make HILAAAARIOUS rap videos about normal suburban life? It's like we're "Gangsta"...when we're so NOT "Gangsta!" Oh the Irony!! Of course some 20 something middle class white guy can't make a legit rap career out of everyday suburban observations. So he turns to youtube to make his hysterical ironic rap clip that ONLY people from his area code/demographic/entry level career background can relate to. Seriously it blows my mind how simply referencing normal everyday activities people can relate to in rhyme form, makes you a comic genius.

(*Disclaimer: When I say "white people" I just mean yuppie suburbanites, so I'm talking to you too Phillip Chang from Sugarland).

Generally these shitbag un-funny YouTube songs are area-specific. The subjects of these songs are usually not issues that are necessarily unique to that specific area. This however, doesn't stop people from thinking that only people from their area could grasp the hilarity of the subject matter referenced in the YouTube clip. For example today a bunch of people posted a YouTube clip on Facebook where a guy raps about riding the "Metro" (For you non-DC residents Metro = subway transit system).

"OMG if you lived in DC you will LOOOOVE THIS!! SO GOOD!!"

The clip follows a guy riding the subway, rapping about..reading "The Express" (free DC paper). Rapping about tourists holding up the escalator. Rapping about missing the train and having to wait 11 minutes for the next one. OMG that is SO FUCKING FUNNY!! I lived in DC once and also dealt with the frustration of running into a crowd of tourists and missing a train!! I'm sure there is nobody anywhere else in the country that can relate to the pitfalls of public transportation except for us DC residents!! "The Express" is a free newspaper that only DC residents can relate to, I mean I'm sure no other metropolis has free press! The clip continues to reference a multitude of other Uniquely DC experiences such as having the fare card machine not take your wrinkled up dollar bill, and sitting next to a person with body odor. Fucking hysterical.

The worst are the people who take a real rap song, and edit the lyrics/hook to relate it to their mundane suburban existence. The most common example is the Jay-Z/Alicia Keys "NY State of Mind" collaboration. You know the one that goes "in NEEEEEEEEW YOOOORK." I've already heard the actual fucking song 300,000 times more than I ever needed to. Why do people need to keep bringing this fucking song back with their clever middle-class remake? Well obviously New York has two syllables much like the name of every fucking suburb in America. So it's easy to convert the hook to "In Faaaaaairfax" and then insert some clever rap verses about standing in line at Starbucks, or being stuck in traffic on our area-specific interstate highway. Some particulary insufferable group of douchebags decided to change the song to "Law School State of Mind" and rap hilarious lyrics about being stuck in the library. Stick a highligher up your asses you fucking tools.

There is of course no end to the amount of subjects available to be covered in suburban rap YouTube clips. So I'm sure there will be 800 more humorous clips released that reference unique area-specific topics like wearing rainbow flip-flops and losing reception on your Iphone on the train. I hope tomorrow the "Metro Rap Guy" has a truly "unique" experience when his train gets de-railed and flys into the Potomac*.

*(The Potomac is the river that forms the border of Washington D.C. and Maryland. ONLY DC RESIDENTS GOT THAT HILARIOUS REFERENCE!!!)

Get Out of My Sports Bar

The first week of the NFL season is complete. If you're like me all your excitement and anticipation over your team's high expectations for the 2010 campaign was rewarded with a nice gut wrenching dick punch loss, and you have already thrown in the towel for this year. NFL Week 1 is like Christmas morning for adults, in that you get all excited for that square shaped present you've been eyeing for a month that looks like the package for Grand Theft Auto 3, and then it turns out Grandpa got you a fucking book. If you happen to live in the home city of your favorite NFL franchise, you have the luxury of getting to watch your team every week in the comfort of your own home. If you don't however, and you are a devoted fan, every week you will have to make the trek to your local sports bar that carries the Direct TV NFL package you can't afford. Here you will be forced to reckon with a multitude of douchebags that also frequent your favorite sports watering hole, that are classified below.

1. People with Kids:

These people are generally non-threatening people from the Midwest that root for an NFC North squad like the Green Bay Packers or Da Bears. They are nice and quiet. They have cool stories about how they've been season ticket holders for 30 years, and their children were dragged to their frigid home stadiums before they could walk. Look it's really cute that your five year old twins have mini cheeseheads on. They however do not belong in a sports BAR. The word "Bar" indicates that people drink alcohol and smoke here, why are you exposing your kids to this. Inevitably these lovable fat hump families will tell you to "cut down on the profanity" at the exact moment your team just fumbled the ball for the third possession in a row. FUCK THEM.

2.CHICKS

There are knowledgable female football fans who root for their team every week, and keep up with their free agent signings. Then there are "Chick" fans. These girls know absolutely nothing aboout their favorite team but dress up in their cutest football gear outfit every week to impress boys or make daddy proud. These twats are generally Patriots fans who wear pink Red Sox hats to the bar and didn't exit until around 2005. They are the biggest Pats fan in the world but if asked to demonstrate some historic knowledge of their squad couldn't tell Irving Fryar from Washington Irving.

3.Fantasy Football People

The nerd species of the sports bar world, these assholes generally don't even have a favorite team they root for. They are just involved in the football equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons and need to go someplace they can keep up with every member of their roster. So they come to a bar by themself at a four person table and sit down with their laptop stressing over six different tvs. They also generally are cheap customers who will drink 1 diet coke the entire game, and screw the waitress out of the $100 tab you and your buddies would have laid down at that table.

4.Gambling Addict Guy

This guy is similar to fantasy football guy in that he probably doesn't have just one rooting interest on Sunday. However, he has a lot more riding on the games than old Johnny Laptop. He has bet half of junior's future college tuition on the Bengals beating the spread. He flips out over every random seemingly insignifcant field goal. He doesn't have any Chargers gear on but will go bonkers when Antonio Gates scores against your squad. You can't get too mad at the guy because he will likely soon be divorced and wagering to cover child support payments in week 16.

5. Guy with waaay too much gear on

It's cool to wear a jersey to the sports bar. Maybe throw on a hat. You don't however need to demonstrate your team loyalty with every piece of apparel from your team's NFL Pro shop. Not only are you rocking the team jersey and hat, but you also have on the team sweatpants, team headband, and diamond studded team watch. Your sneakers match the team colors. This is largely in reference to obnoxious Dallas Cowboy fans, who fortunately only appear at the sports bar once every four years when the Boys are actually decent.

6. Guy who talks shit to everybody

These people are generally fans of a team that has recently in the past decade begun to experience consistent success, and now they want to tell EVERYONE about it. In my college years this phenomenon was largely attributed to Eagles fans as a result of their dominance in the NFC East (and subsequent choking on dick in the NFC title game cough each year). After the Giants won the Super Bowl, they took the torch of obnoxious Northeast Guido cheer squad. These assholes will talk shit to you even if your teams are not playing. They generally have some stupid fucking chant that you need to hear 30 times at the bar after every significant play, like the Giants "we fly high" anthem, or the Eagles "E-A-G-L-E-S"chant (the singles dumbest fucking chant in pro sports).

7. Guy who screams at EVERYTHING

You are a big football fan. This guy however lives and dies with EVERY moment of the game. Literally anytime something significant happens this guy is either screaming at the TV with joy or slamming his fist on the table in disgust. Eight yard run by their halfback? "GOOOOOO BABY GO!!!! HELL YEAH!!!!" Pass intereference call doesn't go their way? "OH GODDAMMIT THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!" (throws chair). This guy is the most likely to get obnoxiously drunk regardless of how the game's going and use enough profanity to scar the all-american family from Milwaukee for life.

8. Racist "Favorite Player" Fans

Ok I'm not sure if these people are actually racist, but I am gonna go ahead and stereotype that they are. They have one player that is their absolute favorite. They wear his jersey to every game and yell "That's my boy!!" every time their favorite player does anything. This favorite player is of course always a white player. It's never however, a superstar white quarterback. It's always the "scrappy" player that plays a non-glamour position like tight end, safety, linebacker or third receiver. Think the fat Minnesota fan in the Jim Kleinsasser jersey. Or the four Redskin chicks in Chris Cooley jerseys. Patriots fans are of course the most guilty of this offense, having held the record for most scrappy white players in history. Your usual Pats fan posse will consist of a throwback Bruschi, Wes Welker jersey and custom made Julian Edelman since they are simply unable to think of a brother on the roster that contributes to the team's success: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuZlD3ckKQI&feature=related

9.Fan of the random mediocre teams without a fanbase (so you thought)

Dude it's late in the year. Big time division tilts are taking place. Playoff berths are on the line. Don't reserve a Big Screen and force us all to watch the meaningless clash of the 5-7 titans between the San Francisco 49ers and the Houston Texans. Thanks.

10. Fan Nations

Most football fans get together with a couple friends/family to watch their squad every week. Then there are some teams that have fan NATIONS. They have to gather in groups of 40+ with their fellow fans, to root on their insufferable powerhouse squad. They have to take over an entire bar, or at least reserve and entire section that will show ONLY their game, leaving everyone else to wander to a secluded corner to watch their team on a little inconveniently located television. Of course in the modern NFL era I am talking about STEELER NATION. Apparently every person from Western Pennsylvania migrated to another area of the country in droves, and felt the need to take over all the space at local sports bars (Steeler fans are fat so I mean this literally) so 40 of them could hold hands and gather in a stadium atmosphere. Steeler nation is so loud at bars that nobody else can hear their games due to the constant mass cheering. Get fucked Steeler Nation. Pittsburgh can't see you waving your "Terrible Towels" in Alexandria, Virginia. Your logo is retarded. And your quarterback is a rapist.

Bands That Suck Balls: DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

Yesterday the NFL season kicked off (finally) with a pretty boring and uneventful 14-9 game between the Saints and Vikings. The only bad thing about the NFL season kicking off is that every year the NFL feels the need to put football fans through an NFL Kickoff concert. This concert is inevitably comprised of bands that completely suck balls. You would think they qould select bands that..I don't know..appealed to actual football fans. NO. They just pick random ass popular acts that no self respecting football fan has ever cranked on his radio. I guess they do this to appeal to non-football fans, but who cares what those people want to see. They are lame, and can change the channel if they want, the NFL is not exactly dying for better ratings. This year I unfortunately missed this musical shitxtravaganza that featured Country pop twat Taylor Swift and this week's Band That Sucks Balls: DAVE MATTHEW'S BAND.

Dave Matthews Band is better known in their wide fan circle as "DMB," "Dave," or "Dave Bro." This is because they have the single lamest band name in history so changing it to something that sounds a little cooler and more hip is definitely a necessity. Seriously Dave Matthews you are a lazy fuck. There have been plenty of bands throughout history (that actually rocked) that had a main frontman that masterminded their music but they at least gave some credit to their backing band with a cool name. Tom Petty...and The Heartbreakers. Bruce Springsteen...and The E Street Band. Shit even Bob Dylan had "The Band." You however are just Dave Matthews Band. Well why didn't you just call your piece of shit outfit Dave Matthews and just completely disregard the rest of the group?

Despite the band being named after him, Dave Matthews is by all accounts (even amongst his fans) the least talented member of "DMB." He writes the songs I guess (which suck balls). He plays shitty acoustic guitar. He sings in an annoying nasally whisper with the token voice crack thrown in once every couple of lyrics. Dave Matthews Band music is kind of like taking an entire album of acoustic Pearl Jam numbers and adding a horn section to the tracks. AKA fucking awful. Imagine listening to Eddie Vedder's "Into the Wild Soundtrack" with a saxophone solo in each song. Also horn sections are only cool if you are a funk band. If you are an acoustic rock jam band take the fucking horns out of your show.

Perhaps more annoying than "DMB" themselves are their annoying fanbase. I went to college in Virginia (Where DMB was birthed) so I was exposed to the super-douches more than most. Dave fans, like their closely related Buffet parrothead species are just there for "the scene." None of them actually have entire albums from Dave Matthews catalog memorized. They may not even have one favorite song. All their bros however are going to the show and they've always "heard" that Dave live shows are amazing. So they fork over $6o to check out "the scene." Chick DMB fans can at least answer that they have two favorite Dave songs: "Saaaaateliiiiite" and the equally shittastic "Craaaash into me." Thanks a lot for profiting off these awesome ballads DMB. You inspired John Mayer to think he could have a career.

Tonight Dave Matthews Band comes to my town. I obviously am not attending because I would rather have my testicles stabbed with a corkscrew than listen to a rocking live rendition of "Saaaaateliiiiite." Instead I will be going to law school trivia night. Yes you read that correctly...I would rather participate in trivia night with law students than go to a fucking Dave Matthews Band show. I hope while I am dominating at naming 80s movies and obscure rock albums, for all our sakes somebody grants DMB's wish to have someone "Craaaash into me." Preferably somebody with a very large airplane to take out Dave and his entire losertown usa audience.

FREEDOM! GUNS! TEXAS! DEY TOOK ARR JOBS!!

I don't generally like to address politics on this blog. I honestly think all politicians are crooks and anybody who invests too much in the belief that one candidate/party is REALLY gonna change everything about their life is a moron. People blindly argue about politics like they argue about their favorite sports team. This is THEIR TEAM (i.e. party) and there is no criticism you can offer that will lead them to believe there is a negative to their side. I'll admit, I was in D.C. when Obama get elected. People got shithoused drunk, and were dancing in the streets when Barack officially emerged victorious in the polls (myself included). You would think the fucking Washington Redskins won the Super Bowl (Which will never happen so hey maybe the DC residents deserved some reason to celebrate/riot in their lifetime). In hindsight this was kinda dumb I guess. Nothing "changed" that much as we are still stuck in this shitty recession two years later. Unfortunately that is how people embrace politics in this country. There is no middle ground reaction. Either your team is winning and we are living in a world of sunshine, rainbows and chocolate rivers, or the other side is winning and we are moments away from the world bursting into flames Terminator 2 style.

I like to consider myself to be the rare "Moderate" when it comes to politics. I hate hippies, PETA, and could give two shits about the environment. I support the death penalty. On the other hand, I am pro-choice. I don't really care if queers get married. I don't mind helping out the underprivileged, and am not a bible thumping fanatic. The great thing about being a moderate is that you can get along with people on both sides of the political discussion. I'm in that gray area between black and white. I get forwarded the hippied out "save the whales" bullshit e-mails as well as the crazed right-wing "Get the wetbacks out of our country" e-mails. I generally embrace the humor of both sides, but I can't get behind complete ignorance either way. This week I was forwarded an e-mail of the crazed Texan right-wing variety regarding a mock divorce agreement splitting our country amongst the two extreme ends of the political spectrum. As a moderate I would like to now comment on this "well put" e-mail forward below from a "law student/American." Please enjoy the following idiocy.

(Preceding comments of the E-Mail)

This has truly made my day by reading this. How do we make it happen?

DIVORCE AGREEMENT
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

Why would a politician bother with going through an actual campaign anymore? Apparently a clever one page e-mail forward to his potential constituents is all it takes to get their vote.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

Fuck that. You can tax the shit out of rich people and they will still be wealthier than me. Boo Fucking Hoo.

--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Meh. Neutral. Every person I've met from the ACLU is pretty much a tool.

--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

OK this is retarded. Not every liberal/Obama supporter "hates guns and war." There have got be some non-pussy Democrats out there patrolling our streets or fighting overseas. Don't tell me our military is exclusively comprised of Republicans.

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

Again I hate the environment, and people that drive eco-friendly vehicles are douchebags. I'm with you on this.

--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

Ok Michael Moore is a fat sack of shit. I don't want him. Oprah and Rosie? Umm. Are all liberals soccer moms? I'm pretty neutral/confused on those two.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

Wal-Mart sucks. My mom would always buy me CDs from Wal-Mart when I was a kid and they were always edited. Goddamn it. Who wants to listen to a clean 2Pac cd? Unlike Rush Limbaugh I am not addicted to prescription drugs, so neutral on the pharmaceutical companies too.

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

Oh man this is where it gets really quality. I love where this law student's heads at.

"Wait...How can I write N-ggers without coming off as say...racist. I've got it! "HOMEBOYS!"

Ok while we're stereotyping here, poor white trash rednecks are often meth addicts, and rich trust fund Republican bros are often cokeheads. So there's no way all the "druggies" are being split one way. Hippies suck so I want no part of Phish nation. Um, I will go ahead and take the illegal aliens since my lawn will need to be maintained once in a while.

--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

Ok the "hot hockey mom" angle with Palin is getting old. It's like the "I like Bill Clinton because he was a pimp who got BJs in the oval office" joke. Neutral on the "greedy CEOs." Wait you're taking the Rednecks..? You mean I get to live in a country free of the KKK, Jeff Foxworthy's blue collar comedy troupe, and NASCAR?!? SIGN ME UP!

--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

Umm...I'm not Christian. So I will survive without all those copies ofthe Old Testament I DON'T own. NBC is the only useful network TV channel, I get "30 Rock" "The Office" and "Sunday Night Football." Don't get your issue there (Maybe you should have clarified and wrote.."MSNBC"). Hollywood has a lot of ultra liberal tools, so agreed there...but I still need to watch movies at some point.

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

Again, there are a couple of liberal pussies in the military.

--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

Ok I don't want those stupid college kids that wrap themselves in saran wrap with the "I am a casualty of war" signs that lay down on the university steps. You can keep those assholes.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

Cool. I will keep my Dudeism values: http://dudeism.com/

--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

Good job equating Islam with scientology. The best way to stop terrorists from blowing shit up is obviously to compare their religion to Tom Cruiseism. "Shirley MacLaine"...? (We will keep our ability to google names to check their spelling). I didn't even know she was still alive. That's a random ass old fogey reference. I can't wait for next week's FW: "YOU CAN KEEP YOUR HOMOS, MEXICANS, AND GREGORY PECK!!"


--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

I drive an SUV.

--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

Healthcare is kind of a moot point with me considering I haven't gone to the doctor in like eight years. That being said, everyone has the right to healthcare.

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

As long as I get to keep Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E

--We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

(Googles "trickle down economics"...bla bla bla tax cuts, economic growth...OK fuck reading this, this is why I dropped out of business school after a year)


--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Did you mean to write "Since it SO OFTEN offends you"...or are you outlawing grammar completely in your new republic?

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

Ok you can keep Ted since he is responsible for fucking TBS. Sean Penn=complete asshat. Martin Sheen is ok by me as long as he's not doing a Boston accent. Barbara Streisand sucks but I guess we have to take her since she's not a Christian. Jane Fonda's videos have been keeping the ladies fit for years we'll take her.

P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

BECAUSE WE WON'T HAVE DIRTY MEXICANS IN OUR COUNTRY! Instead our helplines will immediately say this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_mDTLphIVY

Forward This Every Time You Get It ! Let's Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In.
If you can't stand behind our Military, Please feel free to stand in front of them!

Always good to end on an unoriginal, overused slogan and a capitalization error.

Sunday Bloody Funday

I've been a little lax with the posts over the last week, but hey even when your job description is "Professional Rant Writer" you need a vacation once in a while. So I left town. Went to the beach. Did some man tanning and jet-skiing. Ate buckets of seafood with my bare hands. All in all a succesful Labor Day weekend spent with other friends living the dream, celebrating the merits of those who are actually employed. One thing that occurred to me was that this was the first time in forever that I was able to engage in one of my favorite pastimes, namely: getting drunk on a Sunday. Getting drunk on a Sunday was a regular weekly activity back when I lived on the East coast, but now my Sunday Fundays are few and far between. I'm hoping football season changes that because while I am getting old, I am still not too old to appreciate getting hammered on the day of rest.

Getting drunk on Sunday fucking rules. It is by far my favorite day of the week to get intoxicated on, and I feel that everyone should be on the same page with me on this. People however, seem to disagree with me when it comes to Sunday hammer time. They all have the same excuse. "Well we can't drink on Sunday because we have work the next day." OR "I have class in the morning." Yeah fuck that. These are bullshit excuses. Yeah you have to do something TOMORROW. Big fucking deal. So since you have responsibilities to attend to 24 hours from now you are just gonna cut your weekend in half. Let me see your reasoning: "Well since I have to go to work on Monday morning I guess I will just spend Sunday sitting around my house watching the final round of the PGA Western Ohio invitational with a mineral water and my thumb up my ass." Yeah totally makes sense. Loser.

You see Monday responsibilities are what make Sunday drinking so grand. On Saturday night you go out with your buddies and drink till last call, and then continue partying at one of your bros houses till the wee hours so long as there is still a 24 hour delivery joint available. You do this because you have no responsibility the next morning so you can afford to be tired and hungover. You can't do this on Sunday night though because you will have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn the next day to stumble to class or your dead end entry level position. This is by no means however, an obstacle to drinking on Sunday. You just have to start drinking EARLY. (Don't give me that "I'm too hungover Sunday morning B.S. either, because more booze is the only cure to a hangover). Start drinking at breakfast, blackout by the afternoon and then pass out early in the evening halfway through the Sunday night football game. Boom. Great day of fun, followed by a good long nights sleep, and you are up, fresh, and ready to face whatever bullshit comes your way Monday morning. Drinking at 10 am on a Tuesday might lead one to label you something nasty like say.."an alcoholic." Drink at 10 am on a Sunday however, and you my friend are now just being "a responsible adult."

People generally are not necessarily opposed to "drinking" on Sunday. They just happen to be opposed to actually partying on a Sunday, or as I like to call it "Getting Awesome." If you throw out the idea of Sunday drinking to people they respond with their favorite brunch spot that has $3 bloody marys. Or they will make plans to purchase one bottle of Andre this Sunday, so we can all sip on mimosas with our pancakes. Yeah fuck that. When I'm talking fucking Sunday Funday I don't mean lets grab a bloody mary with our eggs. That is amateur hour. Go hard or go home.

Pictured above is Murphy's Irish Pub or as I like to think of it "The Greatest Establishment on Earth." Back when I lived by this finest of watering holes, going to Murphy's drunk brunch on Sundays became a weekly tradition. That's because Murphy's drunk brunch was not in the business of fucking around. It starts at 10. It ends at 3. You get badass fat kid meat and potatos breakfast meals for under $10. You can smoke cigarettes at your table. You get full glass champagne refills for a quarter. (Unless of course you are a regular in which case the champagne is on the house assuming you tip well and compliment your waitress on how un-pregnant she looks). Before you know it you are pounding Irish car bombs at noon with the bartender. There is nothing about Murphy's that was not to love.

Clearly unlimited refills of bubbly leads you to be super hammered by no later than 1pm. Which is PERFECT. During football season you stumble out of Murphy's and over to the local sports bar with your 12 champagne glass buzz just in time to scream obscenities at 4 different tvs. During the summer you can then have a nice buzz in place before heading out to go tubing or hit up a bbq. Getting drunk in the morning leads to great flexibility in the planning of your Sunday Funday itinerary as six wasted people are never gonna come up with only ONE awesome suggestion for where to relocate their drunk asses.

Another awesome thing about drinking on Sunday morning is you gain the ability to forget that there are people less awesome than you in the world that are not trashed at lunchtime. These people will judge you. Or say you're too loud. Or tell you there are children around. Yeah whatever. Sorry for partying. This is Sunday Funday what do you care what these assholes think? There is something special about being a trainwreck around people who deem your awesome behavior to go against what they consider "the norm." If your drunk ass gets cut off at a strip club on a Saturday night, you are just par for the course, but get thrown out of a bar on Mother's day for ruining family brunch and you have chalked up a whole nother level of life victory.

Anyways the NFL season kicks off in a couple of days and "There's football on tv" is life's most valid excuse for day drinking. So hopefully this will lead to the return of Sunday Funday to my life. Because I miss Murphy's...and I miss being judged by that sweet church family that doesn't approve of my loud obscene toasts at 11am. You're gonna have that "case of the Mondays" so you might as well not waste your opportunity to time travel to that miserable morning via an awesome Sunday Funday.

Get Out of My Stadium Kid.

(Tonight we kick off the 2010 college football campaign. The return of America's REAL pastime means the return of another great american tradition: TAILGATING. Here to guest rant on proper tailgating etiquette and procedure is Senior Female College Football Correspondent Sally Clydesdale.)

First of all, let me just say that I'm honored to receive a guest blogger position with GOMLK. It's truly an honor, even though you apparently hate me for my group shot photos, love for Perez Hilton, and affinity for Maroon 5. But what I'm really here to talk aboutis problem that crosses our nation (and only ours-AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!!). This problem is people who don't know how to tailgate.

Let me be clear-I'm only concerned with proper COLLEGE football tailgating. I don't care if you want to wear a block of cheese on your head or insult Native Americans with your team name, that's a completely different forum. College football is pure unadulterated bliss. Where else can you find thousands of screaming fans for a sport where the athletes don't (officially..) get paid? And part of that great tradition is tailgating before a big game. Or any game-let's be honest, sometimes you really want to get blackout drunk and vaguely remember the noon game, so bring on Middle Tennessee State! The best tailgating is obviously done in the South-where ladies dress up and men wear ties. People are polite, even when delivering scathing insults about Tim Tebow's sexuality. Now let's talk about some of my tailgating pet peeves, shall we?

(1) Girls Who Wear Team Jerseys

OMG! That's so cute! You woke up and put on jeans and a jersey. You get an F for Fucking Lazy. What's that you say? You were out late drinking, and so hungover/still drunk that you threw this on? Ladies, this is not hardcore. What IS badass is staying out until 4am, sleeping until 8, waking yourself look BETTER than you would if you were going to class. I make myself look pretty for football games. My dress is picked out in advance, I blow dry my hair, and put on full makeup. Then I walk out the door into the blistering fall heat and drink my ass off for the better part of 18 hours. I don't use day drinking as an excuse to look like a lesbian, a-thank-you-very-much. Some might argue that they're showing spirit. I argue right back that the only team spirit necessary besides the dress you're wearing in your team colors is a similarly colored coozie, and a strategically placed tatoo ofyour team's logo (preferrably on the cheekbone). It says "I love my Razorbacks!/Tigers!/Longhorns!" without also saying that you love munching box.

(2) Boys Who Wear Team Jerseys

If I'm putting on my Sunday best, you better be putting it on as well. Nothing screams class like keg stands in a tie. You can get just as sloppy wasted as the d-bag wearing athletic shorts-but the juxtiposition when you're a sweaty hot mess at 10 pm in a dress shirt and tie makes it all worth it. Also put those sunglasses on some croakies good sir, we don't want you losing them in the stands or while taking that aforementioned keg stand.

(3) Yelling at Peaceful Enemies

So let's say we're having a nice time tailgating, all is fun and games, and a few tailgaters from the wrong side of the stadium ramble by. If the answer is start yelling at them and throwing things..you're wrong. Because then if your team loses you look like a giant asshole. Why not invite them for a beer, casually poke fun at their team/school/mother, have a good laugh and send them on their way? That way when, when your team wins, victory is that much sweeter. A cautionary tale: During my freshman year at Clemson, a ragtag group of us travelled to South Carolina for the annual shit-kicking they call a rivalry. The classless, toothless vermin we encountered yelled at us everywhere we went (apparently they don't know the rules). We ended up kicking their ass again (surprise! surprise!). And what made it more amazing is that after that, no one seemed to want to talk shit about football anymore. (Sidenote: One of my best friends was offered some "Tiger Stew" by a kindly older gentleman making food, and she screamed "GO FUCK YOURSELF!!" befre realizing he was actually a fellow Clemson fan. Completely uncalled for, completely hilarious. This is what happens when you let other people and their negative tailgating energy affect you.)

(4) Being a Penn St. Fan

Look at us, WE ARE! Penn State. Ugh. Yawn. Get me out of here. You may have the largest stadium in the country but your home game atmosphere is about as rowdy as a church picnic. Yeah, I bet you guys "invented" Zombie Nation being played in stadiums. What a bunch of fucking losers. Also, you people just suck. Don't know why and I certainly don't care. Yeah it's pretty easy to champion your season every year...considering last year you played..Akron, Syracuse, Temple, Eastern Illinois, Minnesota, Northwestern, and Michigan State. Congrats on your coach not dying last year! Seriously, when people are betting on when your coach is going to die..maybe it's time to let go of tradition. (BTW, my bet is when Penn St. loses to Iowa...again. So long Paterno!)

(Editor's note: Fuck the Big 10 in general. If you're gonna call yourself a "power" conference you might wanna have a winning bowl record once a decade. Also your girls are fucking ugly.)

(5) Not Knowing When a Nap is in Order

It happens to the best of us. Maybe you start with mimosas instead of the safer choice of beer. Maybe someone talks you into taking vodka-Gatorade shots (In theory, wonderful. In practice, deadly.). Regardless ofthe reason, sometimes you just have too much, too early. Here is an essential lesson: When in doubt, take a nap. Find a truck, car, couch under a tailgate tent, friend with a close apartment, or a fraternity quad-as long as you can pass out in peace, you'll be fine. Sure you may miss a few hours of late afternoon/early evening drinking, but at least you won't be the guy/girl pissing themselves and getting kicked out of the stadium during that 7:00 game.

(6) Not having Proper Tailgating Gear

Koozies are essential. Keep your beer cold and delicious as long as possible in the hot days of early (or even late, depending on where you're situated) fall. But this is just the beginning. Ladies, large purses with hidden pockets are great for transporting beer into dry stadiums. As are flasks with garters or inside a cute pair of boots. Gentlemen? Strap on a "BeerBelly" and call it a day! No one is going to notice if you're quite a bit thinner at halftime. The point is -Never Give Up. If someone tells you "No Alcohol Allowed," smile politely and think about how enjoyable those beers, shots of JD/warm vodka will be while cheering your team on. If you have all these things, then you won't need to ask me for MY alcohol, which I carefully planned. And no, you can't have any.

(7) Non-Alumni Fans

One of my biggest pet peeves. "OMG I'm the biggest Ohio State fan EVER!" "WE kicked your ass last year." These quotes are almost always made by someone who went to Towson. or Loyola. Or Mount St. Mary's. If you didn't go to the school that is behind the team you're cheering for...you are not the biggest fan ever. Because you didn't see the "student" athletes on campus. Or in class. Or in the dining hall. I'd say library, but I didn't see them there either. The whole point of being a college fotball fan is LOVING your alma mater and remembering the days when you got to go to EVERY home game. It is not chooosing a team that is considered to be good and then jumping on the bandwagon. I don't care if your parents raised you that way-you should know better. If you want to be a die-hard fan, go to a school with a well-known and well-funded football program. If you didn't get in it wasn't meant to be. If you went somewhere else on a sports scholarship for field hockey or badminton or whatever the fuck sport you played, tough shit. Be quiet during the game and let the real fans scream their heads off. No one cares about your opinion, because you went to St. Mary's College of MD.

These are just a few guidelines to follow while tailgating. You don't have to agree, but they will make you a better tailgater, guaranteed. Or you could go the TBagzzz route route and be the kid is a sports jersey passed out on the sidewalk having pissed himself with nary a drop to drink.

Happy Tailgating!

(Editor's note: Ok that happened like ONCE...EVER)

The World Series of Losers

Today is the first day of September, and that means the return of football to our lives. More importantly that means the return of 24/7 football COVERAGE on ESPN. Football pre-game shows. Football post-game shows. Football highlights and anaysis. "Fantasy football" analysis. You get the picture. All football, all the time. These last few days before the season are the best time of the year because you get to feel that tingling excitement about your favorite team and enjoy watching ESPN overhype your squad, before facing the inevitable reality of another disappointing season when your boys get upset week 1. Perhaps the most exciting thing about all this is it means I actually have reason to watch ESPN again. July/August are horrible ESPN months. Baseball is not quite in the stretch run yet and our hometown team sucks anyways. No basketball or hockey again till winter. Lets not even get into soccer again. So ESPN fills up it's schedule with programming that doesn't qualify as "real sports." Namely the fucking WORLD SERIES OF POKER.

Every once in a while a couple buddies and I get together for poker night. During the game we eat cheetos and demolish Tostitos queso. We down beers and whiskey. We make use of various tobacco products. Basically we are your average group of 20 something out of shape bros. Would I ever describe my gambling social circle as a group of "athletes?" Hell no. Every day however, ESPN shows guys that look just like us play each other in high stakes poker tournaments for HOURS on end. Jesus Christ. Why the hell would I want to watch a leisure activity on ESPN? A poker hand on ESPN's "World Series of Poker" is not significantly different from poker night at my house other than the fact that you're betting Benjamins instead of quarters. You might as well show people playing fucking "Madden 2010" against each other on Xbox and call it "sports programming."

(Oh wait ESPN does that as well. Goddamnit.)

At some point when I was in college this whole "World Series of Poker" phenomenon took off. I lived with a group of poker fanatics so I had to deal with the effects of this more than the average guy. Now when your poker addict buddies weren't loading up on adderall and Red Bull, playing marathon games of "No Limit Hold Em" till 5am, they were watching poker on tv. In the same way that normal people watch...you know..REAL SPORTS. Everybody got to know the names of their favorite WSOP players in the same way everyone knows the names of Kobe, Lebron and D-Wade. Moneymaker. Helmuth. Phil Ivey. After watching enough WSOP re-runs, kids actually remembered "classic" hands in the same way we remember memorable plays from Super Bowls past.

Bro 1: "Dude amazing hand here with Helmuth and Ivey. Helmuth is pushing Ivey all in with two pair. No idea that Ivey has THE FUCKING FLUSH DRAW!!"

Bro 2: "Bro I remember this shit. Helmuth totally thinks he has him but then the on the river Phil flops the fucking King high flush!! CLASSIC IVEY!!

Yeah wow, that was exhilarating. Somebody hits the fucking flush on the river every week at our local poker game in the same exact manner. It is no amazing athletic feat for all to behold. Ivey's classic call on Helmuth in WSOP 07' is not akin to David Tyree's helmet catch in the Super Bowl. Ease off your boner losers. The saddest thing is now there are sports video games for poker (see above), where you can play as your favorite Poker stars on Xbox. WTF? Why would you play a poker video game?? The whole point of video games is to participate in a fantasy activity you couldn't normally engage in. Like working for the mafia. Or engaging in tank warfare. Or dunking on Yao Ming. Playing a poker video game is just like normal poker except you get to pretend you are Johnny Chan. God you're a fucking loser.

Look I'm not saying becoming a great poker player doesn't require some "skill." That "skill" however, is simply acquired by wasting more hours and hours of time participating in a leisure activity than a normal student or member of the workforce. Yeah I mean I could quit my job or skip class and fucking play Monopoly for 100 hours a week and become the best Monopoly player in the world. Does this make me an "athlete" worthy of being on ESPN? NO, because if I practiced playing basketball for 100 hours a week I would still have ZERO chance of making it to the NBA.

"Athletes" are physical freaks of nature born with vertical leaps and speed we couldn't dream of possessing. That's why we watch sports. We enjoy seeing people do things with a ball we couldn't dream of doing. Poker stars are simply losers who dared to destroy their social life or waste their parents tuition to sit around a table and play cards till the wee hours of the night. We could be just like them if we didn't aspire to..you know...be productive members of society. Fuck these assholes. Get them off my goddamn ESPN and bring on the 24 hour pigskin coverage.