Thursday, September 30, 2010

Let's Dance....again!!

If you've ever sat around wondering what audience is responsible for the worst programming on television, I have an answer for you. CHICKS. Seriously chicks will watch the absolute worst garbage possible, whenever they get a chance. Who would be interested in watching a bunch of C-list celebrities engage in a weekly dance competition? CHICKS. Who would want to check out a million "The Bachelor" dating show spinoffs on VH1? CHICKS. Who in the fuck would want to watch a show where the Kardashian sisters just walk around doing nothing..? (Unless you count "being a rich spoiled twat" an occupation) CHICKS. For the most part I have some understanding as to what attracts the estrogen patrol to all this aforementioned trash TV. Ok chicks like dancing...and the perks of dating..and fancy handbags. Whatever. The one female DVR favorite that I fail to grasp however, is "GLEE."

GLEE has got to be the stupidest concept for a tv show in history. So naturally chicks fucking LOVE it. Not only do chicks watch this fucking stupid excuse for a series they love talking about the stupid goddamn show. Do chicks just have these retarded "Gleek" convos in the privacy of their own Fro-Yo get-togethers? NO. Instead they will put up a subtle Glee tribute status message up about the week's GLEE episode up on G-chat and Facebook for all the world to see, waiting for all their gal pals to comment on it. Your typical post-Glee evening comment thread:

Whore 1: Glee. BRITNEY. Got. to. LOVE IT. :)

Whore 2: OMG it was sooooo good tonight!! I loooved the "Ooops I did it again" breakdown in the cafeteria!!

Whore 3: Give me a siiiiiiiiign!! Hit me Baby one more time!! LOL!!

Jesus christ. If you are one of my female readers you are probably thinking right now "well I mean of course you don't like a show tunes show. You are a dude. I assume you don't own limited edition copies of "West Side Story" and "Grease" either." Well you'd be right to assume that I'm not exactly the hugest fan of broadway musicals or high school singoffs between rival crews. That doesn't mean I don't understand the creative talent between these entities. I mean some woman and her homosexual best friend had to sit down and take the time write a story set entirely to an original soundtrack, and choreograph a bunch of dance numbers filled with dramatic leaps. That takes SOME talent. GLEE however, is a show filled with a bunch of people singing and dancing to songs other people wrote. That is fucking stupid. How much "work" do the GLEE writers do every week? Pretty sure I could present you with a transcript of every GLEE writer session ever.

Female Writers: "Well last week we had a bunch of people prancing around to Lady GaGa in the gym, how bout this week we switch it up and do a couple Katy Perry numbers on the football field?"

Gay dude co-writers: "Faaaaaaaabulous!!!"

Female Writers: "Meeting adjourned!! Lets go get Frappuccinos!!"

Also the storyline of a broadway or movie musical can generally only extend to a maximum of three hours, especially when it's about a high school. High school is boring how much shit can possibly happen? Boy meets girl. Boy and girl profess love for each other through song. Boy and Girl break up through slow ballad number. Boy and girl get back together through triumphant song number. Everybody in the cast engages in an elaborate mass dance number. The End. Donzo. How the fuck do you extend a high school musical storyline for an entire season? How many times can relationships end and begin to jovial Billboard 200 pop hits? How many times can a dance-off break out in the hallways. How does the football team ever win a fucking game if they spend every week's practice singing Justin Bieber hits? I bet the high school GLEE is set in has the shittiest sports program in the nation.

Anyways, the ladies control tv ratings so America is probably in store for eight more seasons of GLEE mania. Just don't expect me to gain a comprehension of what fascinates its viewers anytime soon. You'd have better luck teaching me quantum physics than you would explaining the phenomenon that is GLEE. So keep your GLEE watching hysteria to yourself ladies. We men will be busy watching more high brow programming involving men eating giant quadruple bacon burgers on the Travel Channel.


  1. Duh. Of COURSE you don't like Glee, Todd.

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