Wednesday, September 8, 2010


I don't generally like to address politics on this blog. I honestly think all politicians are crooks and anybody who invests too much in the belief that one candidate/party is REALLY gonna change everything about their life is a moron. People blindly argue about politics like they argue about their favorite sports team. This is THEIR TEAM (i.e. party) and there is no criticism you can offer that will lead them to believe there is a negative to their side. I'll admit, I was in D.C. when Obama get elected. People got shithoused drunk, and were dancing in the streets when Barack officially emerged victorious in the polls (myself included). You would think the fucking Washington Redskins won the Super Bowl (Which will never happen so hey maybe the DC residents deserved some reason to celebrate/riot in their lifetime). In hindsight this was kinda dumb I guess. Nothing "changed" that much as we are still stuck in this shitty recession two years later. Unfortunately that is how people embrace politics in this country. There is no middle ground reaction. Either your team is winning and we are living in a world of sunshine, rainbows and chocolate rivers, or the other side is winning and we are moments away from the world bursting into flames Terminator 2 style.

I like to consider myself to be the rare "Moderate" when it comes to politics. I hate hippies, PETA, and could give two shits about the environment. I support the death penalty. On the other hand, I am pro-choice. I don't really care if queers get married. I don't mind helping out the underprivileged, and am not a bible thumping fanatic. The great thing about being a moderate is that you can get along with people on both sides of the political discussion. I'm in that gray area between black and white. I get forwarded the hippied out "save the whales" bullshit e-mails as well as the crazed right-wing "Get the wetbacks out of our country" e-mails. I generally embrace the humor of both sides, but I can't get behind complete ignorance either way. This week I was forwarded an e-mail of the crazed Texan right-wing variety regarding a mock divorce agreement splitting our country amongst the two extreme ends of the political spectrum. As a moderate I would like to now comment on this "well put" e-mail forward below from a "law student/American." Please enjoy the following idiocy.

(Preceding comments of the E-Mail)

This has truly made my day by reading this. How do we make it happen?


Why would a politician bother with going through an actual campaign anymore? Apparently a clever one page e-mail forward to his potential constituents is all it takes to get their vote.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

Fuck that. You can tax the shit out of rich people and they will still be wealthier than me. Boo Fucking Hoo.

--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Meh. Neutral. Every person I've met from the ACLU is pretty much a tool.

--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

OK this is retarded. Not every liberal/Obama supporter "hates guns and war." There have got be some non-pussy Democrats out there
patrolling our streets or fighting overseas. Don't tell me our military is exclusively comprised of Republicans.

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

Again I hate the environment, and people that drive eco-friendly vehicles are douchebags. I'm with you on this.

--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

Ok Michael Moore is a fat sack of shit. I don't want him. Oprah and Rosie? Umm. Are all liberals soccer moms? I'm pretty neutral/confused on those two.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

Wal-Mart sucks. My mom would always buy me CDs from Wal-Mart when I was a kid and they were always edited. Goddamn it. Who wants to listen to a clean 2Pac cd? Unlike Rush Limbaugh I am not addicted to prescription drugs, so neutral on the pharmaceutical companies too.

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

Oh man this is where it gets really quality. I love where this law student's heads at.

"Wait...How can I write N-ggers without coming off as say...racist. I've got it! "HOMEBOYS!"

Ok while we're stereotyping here, poor white trash rednecks are often meth addicts, and rich trust fund Republican bros are often cokeheads. So there's no way all the "druggies" are being split one way. Hippies suck so I want no part of Phish nation. Um, I will go ahead and take the illegal aliens since my lawn will need to be maintained once in a while.

--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

Ok the "hot hockey mom" angle with Palin is getting old. It's like the "I like Bill Clinton because he was a pimp who got BJs in the oval office" joke. Neutral on the "greedy CEOs." Wait you're taking the Rednecks..? You mean I get to live in a country free of the KKK, Jeff Foxworthy's blue collar comedy troupe, and NASCAR?!? SIGN ME UP!

--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

Umm...I'm not Christian. So I will survive without all those copies ofthe Old Testament I DON'T own. NBC is the only useful network TV channel, I get "30 Rock" "The Office" and "Sunday Night Football." Don't get your issue there (Maybe you should have clarified and wrote.."MSNBC"). Hollywood has a lot of ultra liberal tools, so agreed there...but I still need to watch movies at some point.

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

Again, there are a couple of liberal pussies in the military.

--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

Ok I don't want those stupid college kids that wrap themselves in saran wrap with the "I am a casualty of war" signs that lay down on the university steps. You can keep those assholes.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

Cool. I will keep my Dudeism values:

--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

Good job equating Islam with scientology. The best way to stop terrorists from blowing shit up is obviously to compare their religion to Tom Cruiseism. "Shirley MacLaine"...? (We will keep our ability to google names to check their spelling). I didn't even know she was still alive. That's a random ass old fogey reference. I can't wait for next week's FW: "YOU CAN KEEP YOUR HOMOS, MEXICANS, AND GREGORY PECK!!"

--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

I drive an SUV.

--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

Healthcare is kind of a moot point with me considering I haven't gone to the doctor in like eight years.
That being said, everyone has the right to healthcare.

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

As long as I get to keep Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA":

--We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

(Googles "trickle down economics"...bla bla bla tax cuts, economic growth...OK fuck reading this, this is why I dropped out of business school after a year)

--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Did you mean to write "Since it SO OFTEN offends you"...or are you outlawing grammar completely in your new republic?

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

Ok you can keep Ted since he is responsible for fucking TBS. Sean Penn=complete asshat. Martin Sheen is ok by me as long as he's not doing a Boston accent. Barbara Streisand sucks but I guess we have to take her since she's not a Christian. Jane Fonda's videos have been keeping the ladies fit for years we'll take her.

P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

BECAUSE WE WON'T HAVE DIRTY MEXICANS IN OUR COUNTRY! Instead our helplines will immediately say this:

Forward This Every Time You Get It ! Let's Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In.
If you can't stand behind our Military, Please feel free to stand in front of them!

Always good to end on an unoriginal, overused slogan and a capitalization error.


  1. That's a bad-ass email!!! Who sent that to you?

    Now my rant...
    1) Keep taxing the shit out of the rich and the middle class will grow too large, like it is right now.

    2) The liberalization of the army is the reason our soldiers get shot while they wait for approval to fire against the enemy from some bleeding heart American political scientist/translator.

    3) The difference betwen the "Homeboys" and the rich coke-heads and meth smoking rednecks is this; (and I think it's obvious that this is where he was going) rich coke-heads and rednecks pay taxes.

    4) Sarah Palin is hott and NASCAR is awesome!

    5)He should have used MSNBC, but the whole network, not to mention half of America's media outlets, are owned by Uber-Liberal media group PRIMEDIA who is brainwashing our citizens.

    6) A liberal soldier is either angry that he didn't get to choose who/where he fought (probably wanted to be stationed in Germany so he could go to Oktoberfest), dead, or a deserter.

    7) Islam and Scientology are the same as every religion. Made up, with a lengthy fiction book to back up their particular theory.

    8) You Sir, drive a mini-SUV... I've had terds bigger than that tiny vehicle with its Land Rover emblems, and it gets better gas mileage than a Honda Accord. Call me when you want a Tahoe.

    9) Everyone does have healthcare due to the hippocratic oath. The poor are just mad when they get the bill, and want the rich to pay for their 4th child with their 3rd baby-daddy.

    10)Trickle down economics, aka Reaganomics (RIP), is the idea that by giving everyone the same tax benefits companies (i.e. "the rich") will be able to afford to employ the poor and middle classes. The same effect is true for the overall price of goods. You want to over-tax the rich, then you also want to tax yourself out of the job.

    11)Ted Turner= another liberal media giant. Fuck him!

    12)NO-ONE wants these stinky, showerless, non-english speaking illigals in this country. To anyone who reds this; How many stinky illegals do you personally know? Your lawn boy and your elementary janitor don't count. Would you invite them over for dinner? There is a serious problem with our tax base being vastly outnumbered by people taking advantage of our system whether it be illegals or welfare chugging hood-rats. Get the dirty Mexicans out or find a way to tax them, and make welfare recipients (or as you put it "N-ggers") get on birth control and get a job.

    Whoever sent you this email abviously cared deeply about yours and America's future. Be ready for some sort of revolution, for if one never materializes it will be the apathy of modern Americans to blame. I believe it was the great Thomas Jefferson who said, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." It seems with socialism bearing down on us, that time is upon us. It will be much harder to fight after the fact...


  2. Your comment concerns this idealist liberal. Part of me is wondering if your response is a joke...because it's certainly funny. Otherwise, it's alarming and quite racist...

  3. I was joking... about the army. Capitalist pigs can be part of the top 2% too ;)

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