Friday, September 17, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: VMA "ROCK" NOMINEES

This may come as news to many of you, but there was a time when rock and roll was actually very prominent on the MTV network. Before it turned into a 24 hour reality tv channel, they actually played rock videos on MTV. All the time. Rock videos by actual badass rock bands that were totally awesome. I don't remember the first time I tried to ride a bike, but one of my earliest childhood memories was seeing the "November Rain" video. Aerosmith's "Get a Grip" videos with Alicia Silverstone? Yeah every kid's first boner remembers those videos. At the MTV VMAs these awesome rock bands performed, accepted awards wasted and got in fights with each other. There was so much awesome rock on MTV that they actually made an entire show centered around two cartoon losers named Beavis and Butthead watching Rock videos all day.

Then of course Rock and Roll died. And MTV stopped showing videos. Nowadays music videos are pretty much non existent unless you're a fan of say Beyonce or Lady GaGa or some shit. This however, didn't stop MTV from having an awards show for all the music videos they don't show on their channel which aired on Sunday. Even worse, MTV still has a best "rock" video category. This category is of course comprised of five bands that don't rock at all, and completely suck. This week's Band(s) That Suck Balls: VMA "ROCK" NOMINEES.


Muse is probably the most tolerable of these five bands. Which is not to say that they don't completely blow donkey balls. Being called the most tolerable band in the 2010 VMA Rock category, is kinda like being named the funniest Wes Anderson movie. Muse sounds a lot like Depeche Mode with a slight drop of U2 thrown in. Depeche Mode was ok, but I would never proclaim "Personal Jesus" one of the greatest "rock" songs ever (And U2 obviously blows). So I can't say I can really get behind Muse being recognized in a rock category. Invent a category called "best lame arena new wave" video and put Muse in that.


Paramore's frontman is a woman, so with apologies to Joan Jett, Stevie Nicks and the members of Heart you can pretty much kick them out of this category based on that alone. Paramore's music could be classified as an angrier version of Avril Lavigne with orange hair. You can't be a hot chick with fucking orange hair so the band doesn't even have the sex appeal factor going for their video. The band behind the woman is obviously a bunch of untalented shitbags who play three chord power rock, and could be traded out with any band from your local hipster club. Paramore or at least the chick was also nominated in the hip hop category for her contribution to the horrible rap song "Airplanes." What the fuck has the world come to when rappers are making songs with female rockers? Could you imagine DMX collaborating with Alanis Morissette? Me neither.


Tell tale signs you are a hipster: (1) You're at a bar drinking PBR. (2) You wear skinny jeans and Converses. (3) You fucking love MGMT. Seriously every hipster in the world fucking loves MGMT. They are a classic example of a band that I know of simply because so many hipsters like them, but I couldn't name you a song of theirs I've heard. Well upon listening to their music you will be shocked to know that they are awful. Their sound is danceable hipster pop made up largely of electric keyboards and synthesizers. When I say danceable I mean it's ideal for quickly nodding your head back and forth to. Bands with keyboard/synth lineups are not "rock" bands. Grab a Les Paul you fucking pansy. You probably changed Natalie Portman's life so get out of this category and go record some jams for the Garden State 2 soundtrack with the fucking Shins.

4. Florence and The Machine

...? (Enters band name into Wikipedia's search engine)...

"Florence and the Machine (Often stylised as Florence + The Machine) is the recording name of English pop artist Florence Welch and a collaboration of other artists who provide backing music for her voice."

(palm to face)
(Throws chair out the window)

OK WTF? So basically this "artist" is neither "rock" or a "band." So why in the fuck is she in the rock band category? Florence is another one of those white girl female singers that can't sing and isn't attractive enough to be a pop star, that decides they still want to be in the music industry. So she makes indie pop tailor made for Mac product commercials. This is because nobody could possibly tolerate listening to this stupid bullshit for longer than a 30 second time span. This reminds me of that fucking "1, 2, 3, 4" song that came out a few years ago that would NOT FUCKING GO AWAY from my TV programming. You are not a rocker Florence go fucking sign on for Lilith Fair 2K10 with the other ugly girls in oversized dresses. I'm sure your depressing hit "Dog Days are Over" would be perfect for Sarah McLachlan's next "save the abandoned puppies" ad.

5.30 Seconds to Mars

These are the assholes that actually won the best rock video award and they are pictured above. I hate everything about these guys. First of all, what is with all these shitty bands names? How does a rock band come to the conclusion that they name themselves "30 Seconds to Mars." What a fucking stupid name, you are obviously just trying to be clever and mysterious with your random combination of words. There was once a time when if a band played metal they could simply add the term "Ica" to the end of their genre's name and come up with a kickass band name. End of story. Also, rock bands don't show up to awards shows on fucking bikes. Are you kidding me? Real bands show up to awards shows in stretch limos filled with booze, cocaine and bitches. Real bands also don't dress like models for "Gap Gay."Look at the clown on the right. Not only did he feel the need to roll up his JACKET sleeves, but he also felt the need to roll up his skinny jeans. In related news his father just killed himself for failing as a dad. I don't really have a description for their music other than to say it sounds like a great background clip to accompany the promo for this year's season of Friday Night Lights. So "Triumphant Arena Emo Rock."

30 Seconds to Mars' lead singer Jared Leto is an insufferable hipster who also happens to be a shitty actor. His finest work on the big screen is linked below, and perfectly summarizes my feelings about 30 Seconds to Mars and the state of rock music in general.


  1. His work in this scene is good too. ;o)

  2. todd, i'm gonna go ahead and throw a little gas on this fire. you see those asshole bikes those idiots are showing off? those are known as fixed gears (or 'fixies' for those REALLY in the know...or at least on the internet). i first started hearing about them around 2003 but their popularity exploded around 2007-8, and as pop indie music climbed in popularity so did fixed gear bikes. here are a bunch of things about those bikes that you will hate (and please forgive me if you know all of this and/or cause you to have a rage induced stroke): 1. they have no breaks. of course you could put breaks on them but then you wouldn't be cool. 2. if you're on one, you either have to keep pedaling or balance. the chain is 'fixed' to the bike wheel so that if the wheel is spinning, the pedal is spinning (i'm pretty sure this is how these fool machines work). 3. since they only have one gear (and it's usually the hardest gear) they are absolutely ridiculous and not practical in any area with the slightest amount of hills. 4. even though these bikes are completely moronic for every day use, hard to use, and downright dangerous in any situation other than an indoor bike track during an indoor bike race they became such a necessary hipster fashion accessory that urban outfitters decided they'd better wise up and start selling fixed gears themselves. 5. the cheapest ones are several hundred dollars and i'm pretty sure you can drop +$5000 on these death traps (if you want to buy them from a small custom bike shop).

    Anyway, hope all is well!

  3. Aww Muse, love them. :] They can actually play their instruments. Also, they introduced me to Iron Maiden and Led Zep. How that come about I'm not entirely sure.

    Anyway, fun blog. I'm here to educate myself about these new 'indie' bands that I have managed to avoid for the past 3 years.

    1. ....And the awkward moment when I realise the blog hasn't been updated for a year. D;