Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Get Out of My Sports Bar

The first week of the NFL season is complete. If you're like me all your excitement and anticipation over your team's high expectations for the 2010 campaign was rewarded with a nice gut wrenching dick punch loss, and you have already thrown in the towel for this year. NFL Week 1 is like Christmas morning for adults, in that you get all excited for that square shaped present you've been eyeing for a month that looks like the package for Grand Theft Auto 3, and then it turns out Grandpa got you a fucking book. If you happen to live in the home city of your favorite NFL franchise, you have the luxury of getting to watch your team every week in the comfort of your own home. If you don't however, and you are a devoted fan, every week you will have to make the trek to your local sports bar that carries the Direct TV NFL package you can't afford. Here you will be forced to reckon with a multitude of douchebags that also frequent your favorite sports watering hole, that are classified below.

1. People with Kids:
These people are generally non-threatening people from the Midwest that root for an NFC North squad like the Green Bay Packers or Da Bears. They are nice and quiet. They have cool stories about how they've been season ticket holders for 30 years, and their children were dragged to their frigid home stadiums before they could walk. Look it's really cute that your five year old twins have mini cheeseheads on. They however do not belong in a sports BAR. The word "Bar" indicates that people drink alcohol and smoke here, why are you exposing your kids to this. Inevitably these lovable fat hump families will tell you to "cut down on the profanity" at the exact moment your team just fumbled the ball for the third possession in a row. FUCK THEM.

There are knowledgable female football fans who root for their team every week, and keep up with their free agent signings. Then there are "Chick" fans. These girls know absolutely nothing aboout their favorite team but dress up in their cutest football gear outfit every week to impress boys or make daddy proud. These twats are generally Patriots fans who wear pink Red Sox hats to the bar and didn't exit until around 2005. They are the biggest Pats fan in the world but if asked to demonstrate some historic knowledge of their squad couldn't tell Irving Fryar from Washington Irving.

3.Fantasy Football People
The nerd species of the sports bar world, these assholes generally don't even have a favorite team they root for. They are just involved in the football equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons and need to go someplace they can keep up with every member of their roster. So they come to a bar by themself at a four person table and sit down with their laptop stressing over six different tvs. They also generally are cheap customers who will drink 1 diet coke the entire game, and screw the waitress out of the $100 tab you and your buddies would have laid down at that table.

4.Gambling Addict Guy
This guy is similar to fantasy football guy in that he probably doesn't have just one rooting interest on Sunday. However, he has a lot more riding on the games than old Johnny Laptop. He has bet half of junior's future college tuition on the Bengals beating the spread. He flips out over every random seemingly insignifcant field goal. He doesn't have any Chargers gear on but will go bonkers when Antonio Gates scores against your squad. You can't get too mad at the guy because he will likely soon be divorced and wagering to cover child support payments in week 16.

5. Guy with waaay too much gear on
It's cool to wear a jersey to the sports bar. Maybe throw on a hat. You don't however need to demonstrate your team loyalty with every piece of apparel from your team's NFL Pro shop. Not only are you rocking the team jersey and hat, but you also have on the team sweatpants, team headband, and diamond studded team watch. Your sneakers match the team colors. This is largely in reference to obnoxious Dallas Cowboy fans, who fortunately only appear at the sports bar once every four years when the Boys are actually decent.

6. Guy who talks shit to everybody
These people are generally fans of a team that has recently in the past decade begun to experience consistent success, and now they want to tell EVERYONE about it. In my college years this phenomenon was largely attributed to Eagles fans as a result of their dominance in the NFC East (and subsequent choking on dick in the NFC title game cough each year). After the Giants won the Super Bowl, they took the torch of obnoxious Northeast Guido cheer squad. These assholes will talk shit to you even if your teams are not playing. They generally have some stupid fucking chant that you need to hear 30 times at the bar after every significant play, like the Giants "we fly high" anthem, or the Eagles "E-A-G-L-E-S"chant (the singles dumbest fucking chant in pro sports).

7. Guy who screams at EVERYTHING
You are a big football fan. This guy however lives and dies with EVERY moment of the game. Literally anytime something significant happens this guy is either screaming at the TV with joy or slamming his fist on the table in disgust. Eight yard run by their halfback? "GOOOOOO BABY GO!!!! HELL YEAH!!!!" Pass intereference call doesn't go their way? "OH GODDAMMIT THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!" (throws chair). This guy is the most likely to get obnoxiously drunk regardless of how the game's going and use enough profanity to scar the all-american family from Milwaukee for life.

8. Racist "Favorite Player" Fans
Ok I'm not sure if these people are actually racist, but I am gonna go ahead and stereotype that they are. They have one player that is their absolute favorite. They wear his jersey to every game and yell "That's my boy!!" every time their favorite player does anything. This favorite player is of course always a white player. It's never however, a superstar white quarterback. It's always the "scrappy" player that plays a non-glamour position like tight end, safety, linebacker or third receiver. Think the fat Minnesota fan in the Jim Kleinsasser jersey. Or the four Redskin chicks in Chris Cooley jerseys. Patriots fans are of course the most guilty of this offense, having held the record for most scrappy white players in history. Your usual Pats fan posse will consist of a throwback Bruschi, Wes Welker jersey and custom made Julian Edelman since they are simply unable to think of a brother on the roster that contributes to the team's success: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuZlD3ckKQI&feature=related

9.Fan of the random mediocre teams without a fanbase (so you thought)
Dude it's late in the year. Big time division tilts are taking place. Playoff berths are on the line. Don't reserve a Big Screen and force us all to watch the meaningless clash of the 5-7 titans between the San Francisco 49ers and the Houston Texans. Thanks.

10. Fan Nations
Most football fans get together with a couple friends/family to watch their squad every week. Then there are some teams that have fan NATIONS. They have to gather in groups of 40+ with their fellow fans, to root on their insufferable powerhouse squad. They have to take over an entire bar, or at least reserve and entire section that will show ONLY their game, leaving everyone else to wander to a secluded corner to watch their team on a little inconveniently located television. Of course in the modern NFL era I am talking about STEELER NATION. Apparently every person from Western Pennsylvania migrated to another area of the country in droves, and felt the need to take over all the space at local sports bars (Steeler fans are fat so I mean this literally) so 40 of them could hold hands and gather in a stadium atmosphere. Steeler nation is so loud at bars that nobody else can hear their games due to the constant mass cheering. Get fucked Steeler Nation. Pittsburgh can't see you waving your "Terrible Towels" in Alexandria, Virginia. Your logo is retarded. And your quarterback is a rapist.


  1. 1) Did you write this? Because COWBOY NATION RULES!!! I can't believe you've given up so quickly...

    ... asshole

    2) Pittsburgh fans did all migrate away from Pennsylvania. They're all unemployed, and the mining industry is failing. Be prepared to see them down here in THE SOUTH soon.

    P.S. I also hate the "terrible towel"! Is it called that because it stinks of Pitt's inner-city smog and some fat bastard's b.o.? No pun intended.

  2. 8. Racist "Favorite Player" Fans

    mmmmm girls wear chris cooley jerseys because he.is.hot.

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