Tuesday, February 1, 2011


The Super Bowl is Sunday, which means that both the Packers and Steelers have only five days left until they do battle to determine whose obnoxious, oversized fanbase will lay claim to the Lombardi Trophy when this season's through. With two weeks in between the conference championship round and the big game, the first week is usually reserved for recuperating injuries, spending time with your family, or going on vacation to Cabo with your celebrity twat girlfriend and forgetting how to play quarterback. The week before the Super Bowl is when teams really get down to business with their actual preparation, but more than anything else the week before the Super Bowl is known for being the time when teams bust out the trash talk. Opposing players are called out for either playing dirty or being pansies. Opposing coaches call each other out for their cheap, underhanded tactics. Super Bowl media week is when you get all your WWE/Boxing style braggodocio in press conferences about who's kicking whose ass.

This year however, media week is a little different as nobody has to actually go out in public and boast about how inferior their opponent is. No, nowadays you can hide out in the privacy of your own bedroom behind the mask of the internet and do your shit talking in your PJs. You don't have to appear tough and act confident while spewing your bulletin board quotes at the podium. You don't have to look over your shoulder and worry about the person you're bashing actually walking up behind you and knocking you the fuck out. Instead of coming up with clever, headline-worthy soundbites that are worth splattering all over Sportscenter or the front page, now our heros of the gridiron can just quickly type out short, incoherent rants filled with typos, emoticons and childish acronyms like the ramblings of a 12 year old girl. This is because of the advent of a website that has completely pussified all athlete/rock star/celebrity feuding known..as "Twitter."

Twitter is absolutely the stupidest fucking excuse for a website (or "invention" for that matter), to come out of the modern era of technology. It serves absolutely no purpose and contributes nothing to the daily improvement of our society. I bash Facebook a lot, and criticize the fact that it has given a soapbox forum to the whiney crybabies and self-aggrandizing assholes of our generation. Well compared to Twitter, Facebook is a completely necessary social networking tool that does wonders for the world of communication today. Seriously Mark Zuckerberg is like the fucking guy who cured polio compared to the asshat that created the idea of Twitter. At least Facebook is of some use to people who don't want to simply spend all day telling people each time they dropped a deuce or make "lol" comments on their friend's hilarious quote they posted.

Twitter is like Facebook...if Facebook were nothing but Status Updates. It serves no purpose other than to validate the self-importance of douchebags by not only giving them a podium for their every thought or announcement, but also providing them a legion of "followers" to further feed their ego. Seriously has anybody thought about how ridiculous it is for people to sign up for a website as "followers?" You're not "friends" with people on Twitter, You're not "fans" of people on Twitter. You're a "follower." Like these people you've attached yourself to are great leaders taking you to the promised land as you "follow" their every move. It scares the shit out of me that millions of people care to "follow" each time Kim Kardashian takes a Yoga class or Ashton Kutcher "ices" a bro, or Jeanine Garofalo endorses a political candidate. Who the fuck cares? Don't you people have lives of your own to follow? Lives that are every bit as meaningless and mundane as these rich fucktards you spend your days deifying through your following of their newsfeed?

Anyways, getting off my soapbox and returning to my original point, it seems the main purpose of Twitter these days is to provide an outlet for rich assholes to talk shit about each other without having to actually be mean to their face. I would expect members of the Screen Actors Guild and Reality TV whores to engage in this sort of behavior where adults giggle to themselves as they throw verbal jobs from a distance at their foes hidden behind the fortress of the internet. Actors have always been self-righteous pussies who thought highly of their own opinions and used media outlets to bash their counterparts and the establishment. Athletes and rock stars however, should not be involved in all this if they're gonna feud. If my team's star linebacker thinks the halfback he's lining up against this sunday runs like a pussy he should go out in public and question the guy's manhood on TV. He shouldn't post: "You kidding me?! Ima Destroy that soft bigmouth this Sunday!! LMAO!! Watch Yo back! :)." If one rock frontman thinks another band's guitarist is a total dick, he should tell him to his face at an awards show and throw champagne on his supermodel girlfriend he used to bang a year ago. They shouldn't be lashing out at each other via "tweets." Can you imagine how lame the East Coast - West Coast rap war would have been in the age of Twitter?

@2Pac Death Row Till I Die "We iz on the West Coast which the BEST Coast!! LMAO!!Don't Git It Twisted Biggie Smallz ;) 2:57 pm
@Notorious B.I.G. King of NY "Homie Pleez! We know the East Coast Run shit up in her! LOL!! Y'all need to stop poppin' dem crazy pills!! :) 3:12 pm
@Puff Daddy Bad Boys "I thought I told y'all that we don't stop!!!! ROTFL!!!! 4:17 pm

I hope this week for the restoration of my faith in manhood that if the respective rosters of the Packers and Steelers don't get in a bar brawl at a Dallas strip club, or publically question the cujones of each teams' quarterbacks, that they just stay quiet. Wait till the ball is kicked off to do your shit talking, rather than resorting to updating your IPhones and Blackberry's with childish digs at the opposition. Pretty sure Jack Lambert and Ray Nitschke would never have expressed their disdain for each other through the use of a smiley face.


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