Spare some change so we can win the award for Bestest Humans on the Planet

Pictured to the left are Bono and Sean Penn. Sean Penn is a famous actor known for picking roles based on what is most likely to net him an Oscar nod ("Well I played a retard last year, guess I will play a gay icon this year"). This picture is quite the rarity as Sean Penn has only smiled three times in public during his lifetime. Bono is frontman for the rock band U2, who haven't made a good album in 20 years yet maintain a place as the most popular rock act in the world. Bono is also known for wearing orange sunglasses at all times. It is a well known fact that the only people in the world that wear sunglasses indoors are blind people and assholes, and if you look closely at this picture you will note that Bono doesn't have a seeing eye dog with him on the red carpet.

When Sean Penn and Bono aren't securing Oscar Nods or making shitty songs for Apple commercials respectively, they are out saving the world. Despite their careers as entertainers, their true passion is promoting good causes. Whenever tragedy or a natural disaster strikes somewhere in the world, a familiar pattern ensues.

(1) Sean Penn goes on TV and screams at the government.

(2) A Celebrity Telethon fundraiser is organized to help victims of the cause.

(3) Bono/U2 close the telethon with a song. It is worth noting that rather than write a new song, Bono generally just re-works the lyrics of a classic U2 song to fit the cause. like...

"HAITI BLOOOOOODY HAITI!!"

"IN THE NAAAAAAAME OF KATRIIIINAAAAA!!!"

"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.....IN AAAAAAFRICA!!"

I'm all for donating to a good cause, but it appears more and more like these two assclowns (and many other celebs) just love any opportunity for self-promotion. There was a famous actor by the name of Paul Newman who died somewhat recently. He was a total badass. Anyways, when he died I found out (for the first time) that he had donated about $300 million to charitable causes during his lifetime. I never knew this because Paul Newman didn't go out in public and preach about causes close to his heart. He simply donated money out of his own pocket..quietly...and stuck to being known for being a great entertainer.

This relates to another reason these guys are such douchebags. They are in the business of telling YOU what to donate money to. I'm not saying they don't care about these causes they promote, but why don't these celebrities just donate their 5 million dollars of personal pocket change and NOT tell me about it? If I tell all my friends to lend me $5 so I can donate $50 to a local homeless shelter, does that really make ME a great person just because I brought attention to an obvious cause? The answer of course is that then they wouldn't be publically praised for their generosity. They couldn't win awards for being "the most charitable entertainer of the year." They couldn't go on tv and promote their personal political views. I'm sure Kanye felt bad for the victims of Katrina but getting a chance to say "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on TV certainly upped his passion for the cause.

Of course as long as these celebrities are publically praised and awarded by organizations and media outlets for their support of good causes (2005 Time Man of the Year: Bono...REALLY??), this incessant self promotion will continue. So I propose we stop praising and awarding these assholes for promoting good causes to donate money to. You're a celebrity, you're rich, fucking donate your money to whatever you want. If an international tragedy/natural disaster occurs, I will see it on the news and personally find a way to donate money to it if I so wish. I don't need you to tell me about it.

Breaking News: Sean Penn's next role....HOMOSEXUAL RETARD. Just hand him the golden statue now Academy!!

I demand TWO channels...

I wouldn't define myself as a television addict. There are shows I enjoy watching, but I don't plan my whole life around say "Thursday at 10pm. " You can tell me that Sawyer found the missing coconut on "Lost." I didn't DVR it. That being said I'm not exactly "active" or "in-shape" and I don't have many "hobbies" so I need to do something when I'm not at work or walking my dog (double entendre' joke duh). This is where TV comes in. Since I can only tolerate a limited number of CBS sitcoms (zero), I am forced to pay for...Cable.

Well Cable fucking sucks. Cable companies live to rape people like me on a monthly basis with their overpriced programming. You see the problem is..there are only 3 types of Cable options to choose from.

(1) "BASIC Cable": (local channels) This is what poor people have.

(2) "EXPANDED BASIC Cable": (local channels plus 95 random channels) This is what I have.

(3) "ADVANCED Cable Package": (Cable with DVR and the cool channels) Rich folks have this.

Inevitably, the Advanced cable package is outrageous. The "Expanded Basic" package however, is only slightly less outrageous than the Advanced package but you have to get it out of necessity. I mean shit I HAVE to watch something other than "Dancing with the Stars," so I will fork over the cash for this. Your dickwad cable company will tell you that you get 95 channels with this package, but will neglect to mention that 90 of these channels are absolutely USELESS to you. I actually analyzed my cable package to see how many I DON'T need.

News Channels: I don't really care about the issues. I can watch the local news to get the weather and get the rest of my important stories from facebook status updates and The Daily Show. SCRATCH.

USA/AMC: USA shows Law and Order marathons during the week. Mariska what's her face is banging, and Ice T doesn't fuck around. Harrison Ford dude flicks on the weekend (GET OFF MY PLANE!). KEEPER. AMC = Don Draper and classic flicks. KEEPER.

Shitty versions of USA/AMC: Who knows what A&E shows? TBS = very NOT funny. TNT = Bones/ER re-runs. TCM = Moving pictures my grandma enjoyed in the 40s. SCRATCH.

Man Channels: ESPN is a necessity for sportscenter. FX is the best channel on cable (WILDCARD BITCHES!). Comedy Central is Solid. KEEPERS. Spike and Vs. can be useful but are not necessary to life.

Mom channels: Hey Lifetime, I know men are all abusive, serial-rapists. Fuck off. I hate touching stories, so the Hallmark Channel can go. Bravo is gay (Literally). SCRATCH.

Kiddie channels: Once I stopped doing drugs, Spongebob and Scooby Doo were no longer funny. See ya Cartoon Network. Later Nickelodeon.

"Music" Networks: VH1 and MTV no longer show music videos and my friends are bigger trainwrecks than most reality tv characters. BET still shows videos but rap today sucks. SCRATCH.

Special Interest channels: The rest of the channels. Food Network. MMMM Paula Dean. That DEFINITELY needs more butter. KEEPER. I'm not THAT interested in traveling, re-modeling my apartment, history, science, or Sci-fi shows. Everything else. SCRATCH.

By my count that's 5-7 max channels I actually watch. Out of 95!! So now we get to my major beef. All the cool shows are on HBO. I need an entire channel devoted to football (NFL Network). Why can't I trade the approximately 90 useless channels I currently have for those TWO channels without paying a significantly larger amount of money to you assholes?? Is that too much to ask?! 90 channels...for TWO. I don't even need DVR. Seems more than reasonable. When and I go to a restaurant and order a steak, waiters don't get to randomly put appetizers, dessert and salads I don't want on the table and make me pay for them. I didn't order the fucking sufle, so I'm not paying for it. Cable should be the same way. Fuck the system.

So basically I am demanding less than 10 channels for what I pay now. If you don't cater to my demands I will set fire to your headquarters. Or at least continue to pay half of my bill three days late each month.

Your Dad is ashamed of you.

Once upon a time, men drank like men. If you went to the liquor store, you were there to pick up Whiskey, Gin, Vodka, or Rum. Those were the only four isles in the store. Being a bartender was the easiest job in the world. He'd ask you what you want, and you responded with either "a beer" or one of the four aformentioned options. If you wanted a mixed drink he'd gladly oblige you by throwing some ice in your glass.

Nowadays of course we live in a society of pansies. Men have stopped drinking like men. Bartenders have to have a P.H.D. in chemistry to make a fucking drink. A "drink" in today's world means throwing together 6 non-alcoholic ingredients in a glass and then splashing a drop of booze in the concoction. Today when you order a scotch on the rocks at a bar people don't assume you're cool, they assume you just lost custody of your kids in divorce proceedings.

Liquor companies of course had to react to this mass pussification of their target market. They realized at some point that just marketing their product on its own would not get people to buy it. so they started making "beverages." Exhibit A above is Captain Morgan's new "Lime bite" drink. What the shit is this? I read a review of this drink that said it "smells like fruity pebbles." So already this drink is SissyTown USA. The commercials however, don't encourage you to drink it on it's own, but rather to "splash" this nancy boy concoction into your soda or fruit juice. The last time I had "splashes" of liquor thrown in my soda, my uncle was sneaking me booze at the bar in middle school.

Captain Mo is not the only culprit in the liquor industry. There's Jack Daniels "hard cola," 500 fruity versions of Absolut Vodka and Bacardi Rum, and Smirnoff Ice. The last one of course is responsible for the horrible "bros icing bros" trend that epitomizes the pussification of my gender. Explain to somebody from the old school (say..your dad) why forcing another dude to drink a pansy alcoholic beverage is cool. He will not get it. I won't elaborate on "icing" any further but lets just say that if you went up to Sean Connery at a bar and "iced" him, he'd briefly look confused, before punching you in the face and telling you how much he enjoyed having your mother last night.

Also the whole concept of shots has vastly changed from the old school. A "shot" used to mean literally "a shot glass amount of straight liquor." It's purpose was to get you drunk because you are quickly consuming a straight shot of liquor. "Four Tequilla shots please." Bartender pours tequilla into four shot glasses. You consume shots. Two minute process. Repeat 8 times to ensure waking up in bed with a fat chick. End of story.

Now of course hearing the words "Lets get a round of shots" from the bro in front of me means I'm gonna have to wait 10 minutes for my next drink. Half the time, a douchebag will order a shot the bartender has never heard of and then have to spend 5 min explaining how to make it."Uh you know....it's like schnapps mixed with goldshlager, with a splash of apple pucker, and then you pour it over ice and shake it up 4 times.." Jesus fucking Christ. He's a bartender not MacGyver you asshole. They should have "express checkout lines" at bars just like they do at grocery stores. "Oh you want a Jameson on the rocks? Step this way sir." The guy that wants 17 "Carrot Cake shots?" get at the back of the other line.

I see no end in sight for this disturbing trend. So I guess I will just have to suck it up and wait it out at the bar while kids order shots of Bacardi Citron/Peach liqeur concoctions. Or start ordering doubles more often. Just know that if you're one of those jackoffs in front of me spending 15 min to order a fucking lame pansy drink that I don't approve. And your pops doesn't either.

Your requisite "Soccer is stupid anyways" Post

Well that sucked. not to beat a dead horse (I never understood that saying. Why is a a horse the designated dead animal?), but this is once again why soccer pisses me off. Every four years blind patriotism sucks me into watching an "important" US soccer game and then they lose. Three ours of my life wasted. Thanks a lot US soccer team. For the record, they were showing Courtney Love's "Behind the Music" episode on VH1 and the cinematic classic "Soul Plane" on BET at the same time as the game this afternoon. But NO instead I had to watch you assholes lose again in a sport I don't enjoy watching.

Well whatever, soccer is stupid anyways. The US is too badass to have their claim to fame be their national soccer team. You know who doesn't care about soccer? Ted Nugent. Because Ted Nugent ia too busy shooting guns, eating dead animals, playing awesome guitar solos, and engaging in other more "America Fuck Yeah" activities than watching Euro roundball. So here's to you America. Don't let this loss get you down, you're still awesome.

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DEUTSCHLAND

Tomorrow the U.S. plays Ghana in World Cup soccer. Ghana is a country located in West Africa. The country’s name means “Warrior King” and they are the world’s second largest producer of cocoa in the world. They are ranked 12th on Bono’s list of “My Favorite countries to donate America’s money to.” I hope America kicks some serious Ghanese (Ghanesian?) ass tomorrow, because America totally rules and I’m all for us demonstrating our superiority over the rest of the world whenever possible. USA!! USA!! USA!! FREEEEEDOM!!!!

That being said, my patriotic duty to support America is about the only thing that can get me excited about the World Cup because the fact is, soccer is fucking lame. Once the World Cup started, ESPN dropped in my rankings of “Channel I flip to the most” from No. 1 to No. 48. “Oh sweet. Six straight hours of Group C coverage on ESPN today. I guess will check out what exciting shit is going on over on CSPAN.”

First of all soccer has “draws.” Draws are a funny soccer word for “it’s tied, times up, let’s go home.” Draws are stupid. Could you imagine the Steelers and Ravens going up to each other at midfield to shake hands after a tie? “Well it’s 10-10 guys, I’m kinda bored of beating the shit of each other let’s just call this one even.” That would NEVER happen. Ray Lewis would organize a post-game knife fight in the parking lot to settle the outcome.

Soccer fans will point out that in later round games there are no draws because we have…PENALTY KICK SHOOTOUTS!! Yeah well Penalty Kicks are stupid. The goal is like 80 feet wide. The goalie just randomly guesses which side the kick is going and if he’s wrong he has no shot to recover. Eventually one retard screws it up and shanks a kick over the goal, awarding victory to the other side. Said retard will then start looking for someplace new to live, knowing that crazed fans in his home country have already burned his house down.

People think I don’t like soccer because of the lack of scoring. No. I don’t like soccer because of the lack of ANYTHING happening. Seriously, something actually happens in soccer like 3-4 times per game. Scoring chances actually happen so rarely that ESPN’s bottom line actually lists all the times something happened in their soccer box score recaps. I.E. “77th minute, Ronadino kicked the ball 3 feet wide of the goal.” In hockey you can have an epic 0-0 game you probably have 2 amazing goalies flying all over the place making 86 diving saves each. Low scoring football games involve crazy hard hitting defenses, sacks, turnovers etc. A 0-0 baseball game indicates two amazing pitchers at the top of their game putting on a clinic. A “Nil-Nil” soccer game? Both teams just kicked the ball backwards for 90 minutes.

Also, “Nil” is not a fucking number. When a hobo asks if I can spare some cash, I don’t say “sorry buddy I have NIL money.” If I can’t pick up a tab it’s because I have ZERO dollars, not NIL dollars. Dear Chris Fowler. You’re American. You host College Football gameday. Tell me the game ended One to Zero, not One to NIL.

Most American soccer fans just like the idea of being into soccer. Some people (Like my friend “B” who is fuming right now) are actually big soccer fans who play the sport, watch it all year etc. Most fans however, embrace soccer for the opportunity to discuss foreign culture and their study abroad experience.

Me: So uh..what’s with the Germany jersey?

Soccer Douche: Ha well I studied abroad in Frankfurt sophomore year during the 06’ Cup and just really got into DEUTSCHLAND football. It was crazy over there. God I miss drinking Warsteiner Pilsner. Amazing brew, totally puts this St. Pauli girl shit to shame. Also Jan Beckenbauer plays for Liverpool, my favorite Premier league football club.

WTF is wrong with you? Do you think people from Germany come visit America and then wear USA Lebron James basketball jerseys? NO. They don’t. Also, DEUTSCHLAND?? Really?? I don’t care if your great, great, great grandfather Franz Von Wraussberger rolled over to Ellis Island from the old country. YOU have lived in Maryland your whole life. You’re an American. YOU do not get to root for “DEUTSCHLAND.”

Finally, most red-blooded Americans want the athletes they idolize to be somebody they can relate to. A grizzled old school tough guy. We call NFL quarterbacks “field generals” because we can literally envision them leading a military unit into battle. Somebody you’d want to go to war with, and then sit down and have a couple beers with. Look at the picture above. Those guys look like members of the cast of “Zoolander.” If I sat down at a bar with “Christiano Ronaldo” he would order 2 diet crantinis and then head home by 10 so he was fresh for Pilates in the morning. WTF kind of name is “Christiano” anyways? Did his parents think he was a girl initially and name him Christina then do some creative last minute re-spelling on the hospital name card? If my team ever drafts a quarterback named “Christiano” I will riot.

Anyways, I’m still psyched to root on the Red White and “AZUL” tomorrow. Mostly because it gives me a reason to drink at a bar at 11am and scream at a television until real football comes back in September. Just don’t expect me to stick around for the DEUTSCHLAND “match.”

Bands that Suck Balls: PHISH

Music today sucks. I have too many old man gripes with music to limit it to just one long rambling post. Therefore, I will be doing a weekly feature on Bands That Suck Balls. This week’s Band that Sucks Balls is PHISH.

Phish is a fucking awful band. Unless of course you are a hippie, in which case you consider them some sort of hybrid super-group conceived as the lovechild of a sexual encounter between Led Zeppelin and The Beatles. If Phish is touring there is no distance considered too far for a hippie to travel to witness one of their shows. Also there is no Phish fan that will stop at seeing JUST ONE show on the tour. That would be ridiculous. If you’re a true Phish fan, you must witness at a minimum three shows on each tour. Since Phish fans are often unproductive members of society who don’t have cars or money for lodging, they often have to come up with creative ways to ensure they reach their three show minimum. Facebook is an ideal networking tool for this.

Unemployed Hippie 1 is Checking the Phish show tonight in Hampton! PSYYYYCHED. Looking to check out the scene in NC Sat. Holla at me if you’re hitting it up.

Unemployed Hippie 2 Bro WTF?? I’m tailgating for the show right now how did I not know you were in Hampton?? Hit me up when you get here we got room in the van and are def rolling to NC. Although we’re still figuring out where we’re gonna crash.

Pot Dealer living in his parents house ARTTTTY, TWEEEEZER. Y’all can def crash at my folks crib after the Sat show.

Bitch who has done too many drugs GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH WHAAAAT PHISSSSSSSSSHHHHH

Phish of course is fronted by hippie idol Trey Anastacio, better known in fan circles as “TREYYYYYYYYY.” Trey kind of looks like a ginger version of Eric Clapton that works in tech support. Aka nothing like a true rock frontman. TREY however is worshipped by hippies. He is the greatest singer/songwriter/guitar god in the history of mankind in their eyes. And who can blame them? He wrote THE MANGO SONG.

Dangle some grape apple pies
Tranquil and serene until he runs out of supplies

Your hands and feet are mangos
You're gonna be a genius anyway

Your hands and feet are mangos
You're gonna be a genius anyway

Yes these are actually Phish lyrics, and not just the crazed 4am scribblings of a meth addict. See Phish looked to older Jam Bands like The Allman Brothers Band and the Grateful Dead and thought “That’s a cool concept but these songs actually have lyrics that make sense, what a waste of time. Everyone in our crowd is on at least 3 psychedelic drugs currently anyways and can’t comprehend song lyrics. Let’s just sing nonsensical gibberish.”

Also, calling Phish a “Jam” band implies that at some point they really rock out. They don’t. The band members simply alternate playing long noodling solos for 30 minutes until Trey feels the need to switch to singing a new song about nonsensical gibberish. Never thought a 12 minute keyboard solo was necessary? You will not appreciate the genius of Phish.

PHISH: A Band that totally sucks balls.

THE SCENE

There was a time a long, long time ago when people bought concert tickets because they were fans of a band’s music. I know it sounds crazy, but let me summarize how this went. A band came out, you realized their music totally kicked ass, and you would go out and buy their album. Then you would listen to their album all the way through 800 times memorizing all the kick ass songs. Then they announced a tour that included stopping in your town and you bought tickets. You and your friends would then go to the concert and totally rock out in the crowd, singing along the whole concert to all the songs you loved. Those were the days.

Then of course music started to blow so there were no longer “cool bands” that came out with “more than one great song.” This however, has not stopped kids from buying tickets to concerts. It’s just that kids nowadays go to concerts for “The Scene.” See you no longer need to be a fan of an artist’s music anymore to go see a show. Really you are only required to know maybe one hit. Going to concerts is no longer about going to enjoy great music, but rather to enjoy the environment of a concert. Exhibit A of course is Jimmy…Fucking…Buffet.

Jimmy Buffet totally sucks balls. I hate that a lot of people are richer than me, but Jimmy Buffet is higher up on that list than most. Perhaps what pisses me off the most is that people ASSUME that I like Jimmy Buffet and would want to attend one of his shitty concerts. A typical conversation that happens annually:

BRO: “Dude so btw we have to get Buffet tix soon. We should get a big group to go so we can get the package discount.”

ME: “Dude I fucking hate Jimmy Buffet.”

BRO: “WHAAAAAAT??? Dude how can you hate Jimmy Buffet?!? His concerts ROCK!!”

ME: “No I’m sure they don’t ROCK. Do you even know any Jimmy Buffet songs besides Margaritaville and Cheeseburger in Paradise?”

BRO: “Well I mean…” (awkward confused pause)

ME: “Exactly I’m not paying $80 to go to a 2 hour show where I know one song…which sucks.”

BRO: “Dude you don’t like go to a Buffet show for all the random songs, you go for THE SCENE! It’s a total party!! Dude of all people I would assume that YOU would love Buffet. All his songs are about Happy Hour and getting drunk!!”

No reason to transcribe the rest of the conversation other than to note that this is the point where I lose it. Look I’ll admit, I’ve always enjoyed going to Happy Hour. I’ve always enjoyed getting drunk as much as anyone (probably more). You know what I never did though? Write a fucking retarded song about how much I enjoy getting drunk at happy hour. Also his songs aren’t even really about getting hammered in a cool way, they are about drinking margaritas and Pina’ Coladas while sitting on the beach. Thanks douchebag, so basically you are my grandma.

Now we get to the major issue of “The Scene,” which is apparently the prime reason you go to a Buffet show. Well for the record, the scene is made up of the “Parrotheads” who are comprised of two distinct groups.

GROUP A: BROS who like dressing up in Hawaiian shirts and beach hats while wearing flower leis around their neck, and their girlfriends who they drag to the show and force to wear coconut bikinis.

GROUP B: 40+ former BROS who are still hanging on to their college glory days and like dressing up in Hawaiian shirts and beach hats while wearing flower leis around their neck. These guys also drag their girlfriend/wife to the show, although the whole coconut bikini look kinda fails when your tits are currently at knee level.

WOW. I mean why wouldn’t I want to go to a Buffet show to hang out with THAT crowd?? That tailgate sounds like a blast. Depending on which group I gravitate towards we can have awesome convos quoting either “Old School” or “Animal House,” complimenting each other’s choice of ridiculous Hawaiian shirt, and taking 879594 pictures of ourselves in group poses holding drinks to post on Facebook. (Also, I’m not a 12 year old girl. There is no amount of Pina’ Coladas/Margaritas that could get me drunk enough to enjoy listening to even one Jimmy Buffet song much less a whole concert).

So for the record, I will NEVER attend a Jimmy Buffet show. His music BLOWS. “The Scene” BLOWS. I don’t need to be tagged on Facebook in 7929201 pictures wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Waste away in Margaritaville without me you clowns.

Tyler Perry's "Why did I make the same movie..again?" TOO

Pictured to the left is Tyler Perry. You know him as the director of “Tyler Perry’s: People Perpetuating horrible African-American Stereotypes at Some Form of Family Gathering” Parts 1-18. He is also the star of the popular “I’m dressed as a Sassy Grandma…again” series of films of which there are only about 5 volumes I believe. Unfortunately the picture to the left is just a movie poster, because it would be great if somebody would actually throw this insufferable douchebag in jail.

I’m stating the obvious when I say that Hollywood is a cookie cutter industry. You’ve got the new trend in chick flicks where they just throw 57 famous actors/actresses together in a movie with no semblance of a plot..and girls go see it. You’ve got “Dudes racing supped-up cars REALLY FAST” parts 1-10. There’s Adam Sandler making a shitty bro-comedy every time he realizes that Rob Schneider needs work. Even the great Bobby DeNiro is reprising his role as “Intimidating father-in-law gives Ben Stiller the evil eye for 2 hrs”: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0970866/ “I mean…his name’s FOCKER…which sounds like FUCKER.” That shit’s funny…

Anyways, I get it. If you’re an actor in Hollywood most of the movies you make are gonna be paycheck flicks. Scorsese only makes one film a year, and there are only a few supporting roles available for people not named DiCaprio. And if you’re a director, once you find a formula that always brings in the cheddar, stick to it. Note to Michael Bay “If you blow lots of shit up…they will come.”

That being said at least none of these aforementioned actors/directors is exploiting his culture and encouraging racial stereotyping just to make a buck. Every Tyler Perry movie is exactly the same. There is an African-American family. They get together for a family reunion…or a wedding…or a picnic. Every member of the family is packing mad attitude. They all get into it with each other and say “DAMN!” a lot. Mayhem ensues.

America is full of ignorant assholes that probably see the ad for the new Tyler Perry flick and think that is ACTUALLY what every black family is like. I mean it’s a black guy…directing black actors…in movies about black families. Clearly this is an accurate portrayal of black family life. What makes it worse is that if you’ve ever seen this Ass-clown in interviews, he is actually polished, intelligent and well spoken, and was clearly raised in an African-American household nothing like the retarded caricatures in his movies. We’re not talking about “Larry the Cable Guy” making movies about being a redneck and saying “Git R Done.” We KNOW that asshole is a redneck that likes embracing his umm..“culture.”

Tyler Perry’s films have apparently grossed $400 million dollars. In 2009 Forbes listed him as the 6th highest paid man in Hollywood. That is INSANE. And at least before his idiotic formulaic “comedies” were only put on the big screen where I could avoid it. Now he has brought his stupid blaxploitation humor to TV with not one, but two sitcoms (“House of Payne,” “Meet the Browns”) that my dog could have written the script for. The concept?? Two black families. Fighting like cats and dogs. Being sassy and saying DAMN a lot. Hilarity ensues.

(BTW quick side note.) Fuck you TBS. WTF is with the whole “TBS: Very Funny” ads? You show “Everybody Loves Raymond” re-runs, Tyler Perry sitcoms, the George Lopez show, and Nicolas Cage movies on the weekend. I find nothing “Very Funny” about your programming. Seriously, TBS Execs = child molesters and puppy killers. Fact.

Anyways, I digress. Long story short, as long as this jackass is reeling in the dollars at the box office he is going to make his shitty movies and perpetuate racial stereotypes. Hopefully some of the actors that take paychecks to be in his movies will at some point realize what they’re doing and say “No I’m not gonna act like a caricature of an ignorant black dude at a family picnic in your fucking shitty movie.” And hopefully some of the people that go to the theaters to see these movies, and fund his career will find some better way to spend their Friday night. Until then however, stay tuned for “Tyler Perry’s: My baby mama says DAMN for 2 hours and makes a scene…at a family picnic” coming to a theatre near you this fall.

Yeah I went to College too!!

College is a wonderful time. I’m sorry if you attended Brigham Young University, but if you didn’t you probably had a blurry four year experience filled with keg stands, bong hits, and random drunken hookups that went by too fast. I know Its depressing to think your life peaked between the ages of 18-22, but that will end up being the most fun four year span of your entire lifetime.

With all that being said, more and more kids love to brag about how much wilder their college experience was in comparison to yours. This is especially true of kids that are just out of college. If you just graduated college in the last year or so, you never grow tired of talking about what crazy party animals you and your friends were. Your college was ranked Number 1 in Playboy/Maxim/Princeton Review’s list of the “Wildest Party Schools in America” for three years running. Your school had the wildest tailgate. Your school led the nation in “drunk in public” arrests. I can go on and on…

Nothing is worse than when two Bros get into it over whose college kicked more ass. Actual Convo:

BRO number 1 (BIG STATE U Alum): “Dude I gotta get to A-Ville tonight, cus you know we’re gonna need to start tailgating for the game tomorrow at 9am obviously.”

BRO number 2 (BIG TECH U Alum): “Ha…9…?? At Tech U we had a saying that if you weren’t drinking by 7am we didn’t need you in the crowd for the game!”

BRO number 1: “Well I mean we’ll prob wake up at 7 and hit up Bloody Marys before we head over to the stadium.”

BRO number 2: “I mean if it was an 11am game at Tech U we would usually just stay up all night and just skip the whole sleep thing Friday night and keep drinking for like 14 straight hours till the game.”

Ok Bros. We get it. Try to restrain yourselves from actually pulling your Wangs out to commence a pissing contest. Good for you. You were motivated enough to wake up at 8am on Saturday, to start drinking, before going to watch a game with national title implications in your huge stadium. Awesome. You’re way more hardcore than the kids from Little State U that drank at 8am because they wanted to cop a buzz for Tuesday’s History of Rock and Roll class.

There are also certain things that are universally common to every College Kid’s experience. Yet for some reason these are the very things that every person thinks was completely UNIQUE to their college experience.

BRO 1: “So how bout we kick this up a notch and get a round of SoCo and Limes…?”

ZETA 1: “OMG that was like sooo our shot at State U!! So many nights I wish I could remember thanks to SoCo Junior Year!!”

ZETA 2: “OMG DO YOU HEAR THAT…??”

ZETA 1: oh..my...god..This was TOTALLY the song they always played at our favorite bar at State U, we would always take SoCo shots when it came on!!

ZETAS/Bro (In drunken Unison): “SHE TOOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOING AAAAANNNYYYYWHEERE!!”

Yes it is actually a proven fact that Southern Comfort shots was only served at your college. And Journey is not a very common choice for a bar soundtrack. Also, “Take me home tonight”…your college bar was the first to think to themselves “Hmm…We should play this at last call…when like…people are trying to find someone to you know…TAKE THEM HOME TONIGHT!”

Other things that were not UNIQUE to your hardcore college experience
• Making mixed drinks for your last Thurs afternoon class
• Morning “GRAVS”
• Dave Matthews Band Concerts
• “Edward 40 hands”
• Drinking box wine from the bag
• Drinking White Russians while watching “The Big Lebowski”
• Referencing “Old School”
• Beer Olympics
• Drunken Kickball
• Jagermeister

So there you have it. Sorry to burst your bubble kids, but you had the same college experience as every other kid who attended an institution of higher learning in America and enjoyed partying. With all that being said…if you’re an attractive drunk girl at the bar when “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on, I will prob not be ABOVE catering to your request for a SoCo and Lime shot…

Facebook People: LAME

For the record, I am on Facebook. In theory, Facebook is a pretty cool concept. You can stay in touch with friends and family. You can post pictures of your vacations. You set up group party invites. Whatever. These are all perfectly good reasons that Facebook should exist.

Then as is the case with anything cool, a collection of douchebags ruined all the fun. People started using Facebook as a tool to validate their otherwise sad existence, and telling you EVERYTHING that was on their mind. Facebook People need the world to know every time they have a gripe, discover something interesting, or feel an emotion. There are so many of these clowns that unfortunately escaped being aborted, that they actually need to be organized by classification. With that being said I give you the master list of “Facebook People”

“Please add me” Guy:
First of all, people started “adding you as a friend” on Facebook within 30 seconds of meeting you. “Jason Conway added you as a friend on Facebook.” Who the fuck is Jason Conway? Oh yeah that one bro we played beer pong against at that one random house party we went to last night. He dates Sarah who is your friend Jenny’s old college roommate. Uh ok…I guess I will confirm (MISTAKE). This Asshat has approximately 2,732 friends on Facebook, and about 7 of them enjoy his company. He will “friend” you immediately after you came into contact with him. Then he will invite you to his birthday party a day later. This guy has serious self esteem issues and needs to add as many people to his “Friends” as possible in the hope that in playing the percentages 1 in 300 of these people will actually grow to like him.

Song Lyrics Girl:
Jessica Crayton: “I see your picture, I smell your skin..on the empty pillow next to mine..” Jessica is going through a tough breakup. She and her boyfriend are taking a break. She doesn’t want to come right out and tell this to the world, so instead she has chosen to express her emotions via deep song lyrics. And by “deep” I mean some lame ass lyric from a shitty Incubus song. When Jessica and her man get back together she will post some more upbeat poetry courtesy of Taylor Swift. Keep your mixtape from hell to yourself Jessica.

I Know Politics Guy:
Nick Patterson: “Welcome to Socialism America!!” I don’t care whether you are a Liberal or Conservative as long as I don’t have to hear about your fucking warped views on politics. This guy is here to notify you that either the apocalypse is upon us or we should party like its 1999 because a bill was passed. He watches the Daily Show from time to time and twice a week he will listen to a political radio show. HE KNOWS THE ISSUES!! He was just tagged in the photo album “Cancun Debauchery 2K10 ,” so we should definitely take his views on the medicare bill seriously.

Bro/Party girl:
This is the Tard tagged 37 times in the aforementioned photo album “Cancun Debauchery 2K10.” Unlike Nick Patterson they have no interest in politics since their pictures on the web ensure no future in that area. They are ALWAYS partying. Every week they post 800 pictures to show how much fun they’re having. Oh sweet this picture of you dancing in a club on Sat Night with a bottle of Grey Goose in hand is significantly different from last week’s pics of you dancing on a boat with a bottle of Grey Goose. When I go out partying I do not post pictures of it. Do you know why? Because I am too busy ACTUALLY PARTYING.

Puppy/Baby picture guy:
Having a child is a big deal. So is getting a puppy for that matter. That doesn’t mean I need to see 8192992 pics/video clips of your child/pet on the internet dressed up in various cute poses. Your dog hates that funny hat you put on him. If you are married and have kids you shouldn’t be on Facebook anyways. You get to see pics of me with an Irish car bomb spilled on my shirt, while I get to see 8 month Katerina in a stroller? Not a fair exchange. That clip you posted of her dancing to Beyonce is adorable and I hope you know she is gonna be a stripper now.

“I’m soooo busy”:
This Twatbox is currently enrolled in some institution of higher learning, getting a law degree or studying to be your son’s incompetent school counselor. Regardless, they are ALWAYS busy. You can’t possibly comprehend HOW..MUCH…WORK..they have. Just know that it’s a lot. This person believes they are the first person in the history of the planet to stay up late writing a paper, or spend a Saturday evening in the library. They are just praying that somebody comments on their status (We’ll get to that tool later).

“Is it 5:30 yet?” guy:
A variation on the above species of Facebook douche is “Is it 5:30 yet” guy who is so overwhelmed at work that he only has time to subtly tell you that he can’t wait for the day to end. “Is it 530 yet guy” also LIVES for Happy Hour. Often “Is it 5:30 guy” will post a status about how he “Neeeeeeeds a drink” and asks the question “Is it bad that it’s 230 and I’m already thinking about the bar..?” Once his hectic day finally comes to an end this busy guy will rush over to the closest watering hole with his buddies to satisfy his manic alcoholic tendencies by drinking an insane 2-3 Miller Lites in one sitting at a moderate pace.

Status Commenter Guy:
Seriously this guy deserves to be locked in a Bonnaroo Port a Potty, set on fire, and hurled down a mountain into the ocean. He is the worst of all the Facebook people because he validates the Douchebaggery of all the people listed above. He saw Jessica’s song lyrics and wants to know “Are you ok?” because he is still under the delusion she will hook up with him someday (SPOILER ALERT: She never will). He agrees or disagrees with Nick’s politics. He saw your new pictures and thought they were “CUTE!!.” He “likes” your passive aggressive rant about the horrors of writing a final paper, and wants you to know that he ALSO is dying for the clock to hit 5:30 so he can grab a Miller Lite with you. He is on Facebook like flies on Dookie 24/7. Get a fucking life dude.

So there you have it, the 8 major classifications of Facebook douches. I’m sure there are groups of people I forgot about but they are probably not even worth an entry. None of the above listed people are EVER welcome on my lawn.