Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I demand TWO channels...

I wouldn't define myself as a television addict. There are shows I enjoy watching, but I don't plan my whole life around say "Thursday at 10pm. " You can tell me that Sawyer found the missing coconut on "Lost." I didn't DVR it. That being said I'm not exactly "active" or "in-shape" and I don't have many "hobbies" so I need to do something when I'm not at work or walking my dog (double entendre' joke duh). This is where TV comes in. Since I can only tolerate a limited number of CBS sitcoms (zero), I am forced to pay for...Cable.

Well Cable fucking sucks. Cable companies live to rape people like me on a monthly basis with their overpriced programming. You see the problem is..there are only 3 types of Cable options to choose from.

(1) "BASIC Cable": (local channels) This is what poor people have.

(2) "EXPANDED BASIC Cable": (local channels plus 95 random channels) This is what I have.

(3) "ADVANCED Cable Package": (Cable with DVR and the cool channels) Rich folks have this.

Inevitably, the Advanced cable package is outrageous. The "Expanded Basic" package however, is only slightly less outrageous than the Advanced package but you have to get it out of necessity. I mean shit I HAVE to watch something other than "Dancing with the Stars," so I will fork over the cash for this. Your dickwad cable company will tell you that you get 95 channels with this package, but will neglect to mention that 90 of these channels are absolutely USELESS to you. I actually analyzed my cable package to see how many I DON'T need.

News Channels: I don't really care about the issues. I can watch the local news to get the weather and get the rest of my important stories from facebook status updates and The Daily Show. SCRATCH.

USA/AMC: USA shows Law and Order marathons during the week. Mariska what's her face is banging, and Ice T doesn't fuck around. Harrison Ford dude flicks on the weekend (GET OFF MY PLANE!). KEEPER. AMC = Don Draper and classic flicks. KEEPER.

Shitty versions of USA/AMC: Who knows what A&E shows? TBS = very NOT funny. TNT = Bones/ER re-runs. TCM = Moving pictures my grandma enjoyed in the 40s. SCRATCH.

Man Channels: ESPN is a necessity for sportscenter. FX is the best channel on cable (WILDCARD BITCHES!). Comedy Central is Solid. KEEPERS. Spike and Vs. can be useful but are not necessary to life.

Mom channels: Hey Lifetime, I know men are all abusive, serial-rapists. Fuck off. I hate touching stories, so the Hallmark Channel can go. Bravo is gay (Literally). SCRATCH.

Kiddie channels: Once I stopped doing drugs, Spongebob and Scooby Doo were no longer funny. See ya Cartoon Network. Later Nickelodeon.

"Music" Networks: VH1 and MTV no longer show music videos and my friends are bigger trainwrecks than most reality tv characters. BET still shows videos but rap today sucks. SCRATCH.

Special Interest channels: The rest of the channels. Food Network. MMMM Paula Dean. That DEFINITELY needs more butter. KEEPER. I'm not THAT interested in traveling, re-modeling my apartment, history, science, or Sci-fi shows. Everything else. SCRATCH.

By my count that's 5-7 max channels I actually watch. Out of 95!! So now we get to my major beef. All the cool shows are on HBO. I need an entire channel devoted to football (NFL Network). Why can't I trade the approximately 90 useless channels I currently have for those TWO channels without paying a significantly larger amount of money to you assholes?? Is that too much to ask?! 90 channels...for TWO. I don't even need DVR. Seems more than reasonable. When and I go to a restaurant and order a steak, waiters don't get to randomly put appetizers, dessert and salads I don't want on the table and make me pay for them. I didn't order the fucking sufle, so I'm not paying for it. Cable should be the same way. Fuck the system.

So basically I am demanding less than 10 channels for what I pay now. If you don't cater to my demands I will set fire to your headquarters. Or at least continue to pay half of my bill three days late each month.


  1. Who do you have down there? Time Warner? They suck almost as bad as Comcast.

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