Sunday, June 27, 2010

Your Dad is ashamed of you.

Once upon a time, men drank like men. If you went to the liquor store, you were there to pick up Whiskey, Gin, Vodka, or Rum. Those were the only four isles in the store. Being a bartender was the easiest job in the world. He'd ask you what you want, and you responded with either "a beer" or one of the four aformentioned options. If you wanted a mixed drink he'd gladly oblige you by throwing some ice in your glass.

Nowadays of course we live in a society of pansies. Men have stopped drinking like men. Bartenders have to have a P.H.D. in chemistry to make a fucking drink. A "drink" in today's world means throwing together 6 non-alcoholic ingredients in a glass and then splashing a drop of booze in the concoction. Today when you order a scotch on the rocks at a bar people don't assume you're cool, they assume you just lost custody of your kids in divorce proceedings.

Liquor companies of course had to react to this mass pussification of their target market. They realized at some point that just marketing their product on its own would not get people to buy it. so they started making "beverages." Exhibit A above is Captain Morgan's new "Lime bite" drink. What the shit is this? I read a review of this drink that said it "smells like fruity pebbles." So already this drink is SissyTown USA. The commercials however, don't encourage you to drink it on it's own, but rather to "splash" this nancy boy concoction into your soda or fruit juice. The last time I had "splashes" of liquor thrown in my soda, my uncle was sneaking me booze at the bar in middle school.

Captain Mo is not the only culprit in the liquor industry. There's Jack Daniels "hard cola," 500 fruity versions of Absolut Vodka and Bacardi Rum, and Smirnoff Ice. The last one of course is responsible for the horrible "bros icing bros" trend that epitomizes the pussification of my gender. Explain to somebody from the old school (say..your dad) why forcing another dude to drink a pansy alcoholic beverage is cool. He will not get it. I won't elaborate on "icing" any further but lets just say that if you went up to Sean Connery at a bar and "iced" him, he'd briefly look confused, before punching you in the face and telling you how much he enjoyed having your mother last night.

Also the whole concept of shots has vastly changed from the old school. A "shot" used to mean literally "a shot glass amount of straight liquor." It's purpose was to get you drunk because you are quickly consuming a straight shot of liquor. "Four Tequilla shots please." Bartender pours tequilla into four shot glasses. You consume shots. Two minute process. Repeat 8 times to ensure waking up in bed with a fat chick. End of story.

Now of course hearing the words "Lets get a round of shots" from the bro in front of me means I'm gonna have to wait 10 minutes for my next drink. Half the time, a douchebag will order a shot the bartender has never heard of and then have to spend 5 min explaining how to make it."Uh you's like schnapps mixed with goldshlager, with a splash of apple pucker, and then you pour it over ice and shake it up 4 times.." Jesus fucking Christ. He's a bartender not MacGyver you asshole. They should have "express checkout lines" at bars just like they do at grocery stores. "Oh you want a Jameson on the rocks? Step this way sir." The guy that wants 17 "Carrot Cake shots?" get at the back of the other line.

I see no end in sight for this disturbing trend. So I guess I will just have to suck it up and wait it out at the bar while kids order shots of Bacardi Citron/Peach liqeur concoctions. Or start ordering doubles more often. Just know that if you're one of those jackoffs in front of me spending 15 min to order a fucking lame pansy drink that I don't approve. And your pops doesn't either.


  1. Let us not forget the martini. The beauty of the martini, along with a proper scotch order, is its simplicity. Booze. Ice. Glass. No need to go fucking it up with chocolate sauce. Also, if you are drinking dirty vodka martinis, you don't like martinis. Grab yourself a pair of nuts and order gin. dry.

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