Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Facebook People: LAME

For the record, I am on Facebook. In theory, Facebook is a pretty cool concept. You can stay in touch with friends and family. You can post pictures of your vacations. You set up group party invites. Whatever. These are all perfectly good reasons that Facebook should exist.

Then as is the case with anything cool, a collection of douchebags ruined all the fun. People started using Facebook as a tool to validate their otherwise sad existence, and telling you EVERYTHING that was on their mind. Facebook People need the world to know every time they have a gripe, discover something interesting, or feel an emotion. There are so many of these clowns that unfortunately escaped being aborted, that they actually need to be organized by classification. With that being said I give you the master list of “Facebook People”

“Please add me” Guy:
First of all, people started “adding you as a friend” on Facebook within 30 seconds of meeting you. “Jason Conway added you as a friend on Facebook.” Who the fuck is Jason Conway? Oh yeah that one bro we played beer pong against at that one random house party we went to last night. He dates Sarah who is your friend Jenny’s old college roommate. Uh ok…I guess I will confirm (MISTAKE). This Asshat has approximately 2,732 friends on Facebook, and about 7 of them enjoy his company. He will “friend” you immediately after you came into contact with him. Then he will invite you to his birthday party a day later. This guy has serious self esteem issues and needs to add as many people to his “Friends” as possible in the hope that in playing the percentages 1 in 300 of these people will actually grow to like him.

Song Lyrics Girl:
Jessica Crayton: “I see your picture, I smell your skin..on the empty pillow next to mine..” Jessica is going through a tough breakup. She and her boyfriend are taking a break. She doesn’t want to come right out and tell this to the world, so instead she has chosen to express her emotions via deep song lyrics. And by “deep” I mean some lame ass lyric from a shitty Incubus song. When Jessica and her man get back together she will post some more upbeat poetry courtesy of Taylor Swift. Keep your mixtape from hell to yourself Jessica.

I Know Politics Guy:
Nick Patterson: “Welcome to Socialism America!!” I don’t care whether you are a Liberal or Conservative as long as I don’t have to hear about your fucking warped views on politics. This guy is here to notify you that either the apocalypse is upon us or we should party like its 1999 because a bill was passed. He watches the Daily Show from time to time and twice a week he will listen to a political radio show. HE KNOWS THE ISSUES!! He was just tagged in the photo album “Cancun Debauchery 2K10 ,” so we should definitely take his views on the medicare bill seriously.

Bro/Party girl:
This is the Tard tagged 37 times in the aforementioned photo album “Cancun Debauchery 2K10.” Unlike Nick Patterson they have no interest in politics since their pictures on the web ensure no future in that area. They are ALWAYS partying. Every week they post 800 pictures to show how much fun they’re having. Oh sweet this picture of you dancing in a club on Sat Night with a bottle of Grey Goose in hand is significantly different from last week’s pics of you dancing on a boat with a bottle of Grey Goose. When I go out partying I do not post pictures of it. Do you know why? Because I am too busy ACTUALLY PARTYING.

Puppy/Baby picture guy:

Having a child is a big deal. So is getting a puppy for that matter. That doesn’t mean I need to see 8192992 pics/video clips of your child/pet on the internet dressed up in various cute poses. Your dog hates that funny hat you put on him. If you are married and have kids you shouldn’t be on Facebook anyways. You get to see pics of me with an Irish car bomb spilled on my shirt, while I get to see 8 month Katerina in a stroller? Not a fair exchange. That clip you posted of her dancing to Beyonce is adorable and I hope you know she is gonna be a stripper now.

“I’m soooo busy”:

This Twatbox is currently enrolled in some institution of higher learning, getting a law degree or studying to be your son’s incompetent school counselor. Regardless, they are ALWAYS busy. You can’t possibly comprehend HOW..MUCH…WORK..they have. Just know that it’s a lot. This person believes they are the first person in the history of the planet to stay up late writing a paper, or spend a Saturday evening in the library. They are just praying that somebody comments on their status (We’ll get to that tool later).

“Is it 5:30 yet?” guy:
A variation on the above species of Facebook douche is “Is it 5:30 yet” guy who is so overwhelmed at work that he only has time to subtly tell you that he can’t wait for the day to end. “Is it 530 yet guy” also LIVES for Happy Hour. Often “Is it 5:30 guy” will post a status about how he “Neeeeeeeds a drink” and asks the question “Is it bad that it’s 230 and I’m already thinking about the bar..?” Once his hectic day finally comes to an end this busy guy will rush over to the closest watering hole with his buddies to satisfy his manic alcoholic tendencies by drinking an insane 2-3 Miller Lites in one sitting at a moderate pace.

Status Commenter Guy:
Seriously this guy deserves to be locked in a Bonnaroo Port a Potty, set on fire, and hurled down a mountain into the ocean. He is the worst of all the Facebook people because he validates the Douchebaggery of all the people listed above. He saw Jessica’s song lyrics and wants to know “Are you ok?” because he is still under the delusion she will hook up with him someday (SPOILER ALERT: She never will). He agrees or disagrees with Nick’s politics. He saw your new pictures and thought they were “CUTE!!.” He “likes” your passive aggressive rant about the horrors of writing a final paper, and wants you to know that he ALSO is dying for the clock to hit 5:30 so he can grab a Miller Lite with you. He is on Facebook like flies on Dookie 24/7. Get a fucking life dude.

So there you have it, the 8 major classifications of Facebook douches. I’m sure there are groups of people I forgot about but they are probably not even worth an entry. None of the above listed people are EVER welcome on my lawn.


  1. HYSTERICAL. but you know you are the "is it 5:30 yet guy"....

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