Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: KID ROCK

Sometimes a band comes along that you might not realize sucks balls at first glance. They have the rockstar look. They party hard. They talk about their love for awesome old bands They get in fights at Waffle Houses. They bang Pamela Anderson. You know, possess all the characteristics that lead you to believe that they are a totally kick-ass rock band. Whenever they actually you know...sing a song however, it sucks. Apparently all the awesome bands they listened to growing up, all the whiskey they've consumed, and all the sex they've had Pamela Anderson could not inspire kick ass music. The prime example of this phenomenon is this weeks band that sucks balls: KID ROCK.

Judging a book by it's cover Kid Rock seems like a pretty cool guy generally. He looks like a rock star with his shades, jeans, and boots look. He wears Jack Daniels t-shirts and wifebeaters. He's always partying and talking about how much he loves classic rock. I would love to spend a night as a member of Kid Rock's entourage, I bet it would be a blast. As a friend of mine put it the other day "I want to like Kid Rock..but I can't." His music is absolutely fucking awful. I cannot get behind a person's music career just because they happen to seem like a cool dude.

Kid Rock, like many bands that suck balls can't decide on a genre to fit into, because he is not good at anything. He started out in the awful genre of rap-rock that Ive addressed before and gained fame in the late 90's. His first major hit was the rap-rock hit "Bawitdaba" which contends with Hanson's "MMBopp" in the awful jibberish song Hall of Fame. In the song he stood on top of cars, screamed a lot and rapped about strippers and trailer parks. Basically he was a homeless man's Eminem from Detroit that rapped over thrash metal jams instead of Dr. Dre beats. At this point in his career he mostly talked about his love for old-school hip hop like Run-DMC. So of course he did a cover of "Walk This Way" with Aerosmith at the MTV Awards. This would go on to be a recurring theme of Kid Rock's career. He loves covering cool songs, with cool bands in his spare time to lend credibility to his own shitty music career.

The Rock-Rap genre thankfully died soon after, and Kid Rock was smart enough to realize that he would have to come up with a new sound to stay relevant in the music industry. So he chose...Country. Umm what the hell? Kid Rock decided he would now portray himself as a cool hard drinking Country balladeer from the old days. He started talking about how he loved Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, and Willie Nelson. His big Country hit was his duet "Picture" with Sherryl Crow (another person that should be thrown from a moving train for covering/destroying every genre she touches). This song absolutely sucked. It was all about Kid Rock and Sherryl Crow crying themselves to sleep over over what might have been while staring at the other's picture. Basically it was an acoustic country Nickelback song.

At this point I thought, ok we've got to be done with Kid Rock now...RIGHT? I mean how many times do we have to hear this loser reinvent himself and destroy another genre on the radio?!? NO. Kid Rock then decides he is gonna become a classic rock artist. He starts talking about how he was raised on Southern Rock. Really?? You are from fucking Detroit. How did you get so into Country music and Southern Rock?? That would be like me saying that I was raised on Red Sox baseball and The Dropkick Murphys. This is where Kid Rock really started to piss me off. He started hanging out with Lynyrd Skynyrd (The shitty lineup minus Ronnie Van Zandt) and covering "Sweet Home Alabama" whenever he got the chance. This was bad enough, but then he decided to sample "Sweet Home Alabama" and Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London" on his fucking horrible song "All Summer Long." Some sample lyrics from this piece of shit song:

"We were trying funny things

We were smoking funny things

...Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long"

Wow Kid Rock, you managed to rhyme "things"...with "things." Seriously if you had thrown a lyric in there about "eating chicken wings" I would be more impressed. The thing that pisses me off the most obviously is the fact that this song always fucking comes on the radio and I naturally assume that I am about to hear a Lynyrd Skynyrd or Warren Zevon classic. No it's fucking Kid Rock singing about doing crazy "things" like drinking whiskey from the bottle. Fuck you Kid Rock.

I think Kid Rock should just reinvent himself and become a trainwreck reality star. Or a trainwreck "socialite." Basically become one of those famous people that is famous for doing nothing other than being a ridiculous party animal. I'd be down with that. Kid Rock seems like a reasonably cool guy. I wouldn't mind him as long as I didn't have to constantly hear his shitty music oon the radio. So please Kid Rock, you have enough money, just fucking retire from the music industry and just make money walking around being cool, because if I hear you singing about "Sweet Home Alabama" one more fucking time I will smash this bottle of Jack Daniels right into your Aviators.



    1. Yeah,and dude wants to be a "Cowboy,baby," but guess who beat him to it?

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