Thursday, August 12, 2010

Your Duty as A Man

"The Expendables" comes out in theaters today and unless you've been living in a cave with Osama Bin Laden, you've seen a trailer for this awesomely mantastic flick. You've got the greatest cast of action stars ever assembled (pictured left). The plot is simple: This awesome cast of characters play a team of mercenaries assigned to go to South America and kick tons of ass for one reason or another. They will shoot and blow up anything in their path. Boom. End of Plot synopsis. In case you are a man and thought for half a second that you shouldn't watch this flick...they set the trailer to Guns N Roses "Paradise City." So now you officially have NO choice but to go check out this movie or you will be forever outcast from the male gender. If you are a woman, I would encourage you to also check out this movie if you wish, but just know that there is a high risk that you may be impregnated within the first 10 minutes.

I see absolutely no reason why this movie shouldn't open #1 at the box office this weekend. Not only is this movie fucking awesome, but you have no better options if you wanna fork over $10 to your local theater. Seriously if you choose one of the following options over The Expendables this weekend I officially revoke your man card:

Eat Pray Love
Your standard generic chick flick starring a famous actress that doesn't offer a plot explanation in the trailer. "Oh look it's Julia Roberts. She is travelling the world. And smiling. And being single." Tell your girlfriend to go watch this shit with her besties while you check out The Expendables.

The Other Guys
This is probably your best option other than Mangasm USA. It seems to have potential and has gotten pretty decent reviews. That being said, lets be real. Will Ferrell hasn't made a funny movie since (maybe) "Talladega Nights." Until I officially know for sure that he is back to being funny, all his movies are relegated to "wait for video" status. Mark Wahlberg is pretty badass, but falls victim to this movie's major problem. It is rated PG-13. That means you don't get to hear Wahlberg say "Faaack" or "Cawwwwksucckah" or anything else badass you'd normally hear him utter in a cop flick. Lame.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Oh look. It's Michael Cera starring as....Michael Cera. Again. Will he act really socially awkward? Will he stumble around while trying to land the girl of his dreams? Will he wear a zip-up hoodie? You already know the answer to all these questions. Now look at the plot. Michael Cera's 98 pound ass fighting a bunch of guys in cartoonish Mortal Combat format. WHY would you want to see this movie..? Also why does this girl have SEVEN psychotic ex-boyfriends? Aren't they in high school? What a slut, she's clearly been getting around. Cera should just bypass the whole fight lineup thing and stick to banging Juno. Lame.

Step Up 3d
Seriously I have no fucking idea who watches these movies. Zip. Not a clue.

Charlie St. Cloud
I saw the trailer for this movie and apparently some little kid in a Boston Red Sox jersey gets run over by a drunk driver. So I thought to myself..AWESOME, this must be a comedy. Then I noted that Zac Disney is in it and heard inspirational music and checked out. If I need to explain to you as a man why you shouldn't see this movie you should probably invest in some roller blades:

I liked this movie better the first three times I saw it, when Jason Bourne wasn't played by Angelina Jolie. Fuck her and her Cambodian family.

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
Are you a mentally retarded 6 year old?

Dinner for Schmucks
Meh. A whole movie where Steve Carell acts painfully dumb. Basically a PG-13 hybrid of "40 Year Old Virgin" and Brick Tamland from "Anchorman." Lame.

You already spent 3 hours watching this movie. You were blown away by the special effects. You pretended to understand what actually happened in the movie so you could agree with your friends that it was the best movie you'd seen in 10 years. No reason to see it again, I guarantee the lightbulb won't come on the second time around.

So there you have it. Do you need any further convincing that you should go see "The Expendables" guys? I didn't think so. So fulfill your duty as a man and make sure this movie succeeds. Otherwise we will be forced to sit through a parade of lame PG-13 movies featuring Michael Cera or Zac Disney for the rest of our lives. Sly Stallone and Dolph Lundgren crap out turds tougher than these 2 clowns every morning before breakfast. Fact.

1 comment:

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