Monday, August 2, 2010

"It's just another Manic Monday :(.."

(This is actually Guest Post from a fellow angry old man. I however take full responsibility and credit for the hilarity that will now ensue.)
"Just another day at work. Coffee plzzzzzz!" "Head hurts. Must remember to it's happy hour, not hours..." Look familiar? These are just two riffs on the overly generic status messages that people post on Gchat every day. Today's guest post is essentially my "Fuck you and your dumb Gchat status" status message. I've reached my breaking point with the office dipshits, the bros, the emo girls, the even emo'er guys and all of you other dipshits who feel the need to emote your day to me through a Gchat status message.

Without anymore unnecessary lambasting of all things dumbfuckery, let's look at the typical classes of status message:

1. We'll call this one "My job sucks, and I will tell you about it every day in 160 characters or less"

Work sucks. Any schmuck with a college degree and a shred of sensibility has learned this lesson at their entry-level job. But there is a class of people who somehow think they are unique for showing up every day to a shitty job and dealing with shitty bosses and doing meaningless work. This would be all well and good if they didn't feel the need to broadcast their inadequacies to their entire circle of friends.

" 'Someone's got a case of the Mondays' isn't funny when you actually have them."
"The only thing worse than work today was staying late until 7 to do nothing."
"If I received a gunshot for every dumb question I've been asked today by my boss, Amadou Diallo would have been like 41 wasn't so bad."

We get it. We've been there. Your job sucks. You're overworked, underpaid and smarter than everyone else. You're also in your mid-20s, and maybe if you didn't spend half your fucking day coming up with an inane status message, you might have moved on to something less mind-numbing. But, that's not your style. Far better to spoil all of us with your creative talents in finding a new way every day to describe your awful job.

2. "Fuckin' Jagerbombs!"

You're such a fucking bro, bro. You drink? I know you do. How much? 8 nights a mother fuckin' week, bro! How do I know all of this? Because you see no problem broadcasting to the world every morning just how you spend your leisure time. Typically a variation on the 'So hungover' or the 'Now I know why it's called a fuzzy navel...' status, you wear your alcoholism like a badge of pride to be shared every morning. It's noble work you do, subsidizing local bartenders with your copious consumption of various beers and college shots. That said, I don't give a fuck. You're too old to think drinking is still cool. When you get to the point where drinking is just drinking and you can comfortably do it alone without telling me, post that shit. Until then, save the Text From Last Night that you copied because it was like, totally spot on for, like, what we did last night and shove it up your fartbox.

3. The Voyeur Status

The world is a crazy place. There's so many weird people doing fucked up things, like the guy on the subway eating a pickle sandwich at 9 AM. Or the woman who farted on the elevator. Or the creepy bum who calls you 'Sugar.' I understand your liberal arts education didn't include a class titled 'Shit you will see everyday that is normal to everyone else except you," but please spare us your bemusement about the "odd" thing you saw today. Strange people ride the subway, and yes they will occasionally look at your tits. He's not creepy, he's bored. I know it was strange to see a 60 year old guy rocking out in his car to Katy Perry, but why does this bother you so much to the point that you need the rest of us to chime in and go, 'Yeah, what a loser.' Is it our approval you seek with these petty observations? Our laughter? Joke's on you fuckface because I just think you're the moron for spending more than 10 seconds even thinking about these people.

4. "Check out this totally funny conversation I had that me and one other person find funny!"

We all chat with numerous people each day for a large amount of time.Sometimes, we even say funny things. Now, you might be new to, say, having friends, but this will happen from time to time where one of you speaks and the other will reply with something that makes the two of you laugh. It's called human interaction, it has happened before. Still, your conversation snippet was so funny, so unusually hilarious that it goes beyond the bounds of privacy. Everyone needs to know this RIGHT FUCKING NOW AND ALL FUCKING DAY even if they don't understand it or it has no context.

"Twatface: i always get hit on by creepy latino guys// it's like I'm made of taco. Friend of Twatface: I love chicks who smell like meat."

Yeah, this isn't funny. I know you ROFL'd and LMFAO'd and may have even pissed your self, but I'm not laughing. Again, I read between the lines and see a girl who is too dumb to realize that a) not all latinos eat tacos and b) a guy ordering a drink next to you at a bar is not a passive-aggressive attempt at future fornication. I also see someone with a friend who is retarded. That's what I got from your status message, that you and your friends are dumb cunts.

5. The Amateur Poet

I call this one amateur because it's basically plagiarism. You: shitty day, bad breakup, no return call from the slooze who gave you her number by accident on Saturday. Your status: Melodramatic lines from an obscure song, or possibly even a well known song to maximize the circle of people who will understand you are overly emotional today.

Wasted PAP Smear: But sometimes//We forget what we got//Who we are//Oh who are are not.

Aww, poor guy. I see your trap. I'm supposed to ask what's up and then you tell me how heartbroken you are because the one-night stand that turned into a torrid 2 month love affair ended when you found out the chick was banging some Norwegian MBA student named Olaf (true story by the way). I've learned not to fall for this gambit lest I get sucked into you emoting all over my screen like 12-year old me did when I got Compuserve.

6. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

"At da beach!" (Get off your fucking phone)
"NYC roadtrip to see my favorites!!!!! :-x" (So you're unreachable this weekend, didn't give a shit when you were around.)
"Sex & The City tonight!!" (I hope your Cosmo gets enough roofie to kill a pony)

If you're not online to chat, turn off your fucking computer or phone and go do whatever it is you say you're actually doing. That's a good way to keep people from interrupting. Not only that, but quit being such a self-aggrandizing asshole. You're not Lebron, no one gives a fuck where you're going.

Which brings us to the acceptable forms of gchat status:

1. A cool video or song clip. Maybe set the mood a bit with a "Fuckin' Friday!' and then a link to Paradise City or "Holy fuck this is cool" with a link to that hippo vs. giraffe youtube video. Give me something that will make my day a little better without any of your own fucking baggage and you will remain on always show status. For example, today's status celebrates the end of work with a link to Peanut Butter Jelly Time. No frills, no bullshit, just some good fucking internet meme humor.

2. A legitimately funny story or news item. For example, a bartender friend referenced serving the Rwandan ambassador and his cadre of 3 underaged girls. That is funny to me and something I wouldn't have known before. So, informative and hilarious. Bring it on. Similarly, I found out about that god-awful KFC sandwich that uses fried chicken as a bun through a status message. A tip of the cap to you, friend.

3. Self-promotion of various parties or other for-profit ventures. I like these because they are useful (I might find a place to go hang out on the cheap while still helping you, my friend) or ignoreable (seen the message once and can ignore it for the next several days, which you thankfully know since you don't change it). That's what the internet is for: porn and selling shit. I appreciate the people who recognize they can only offer one in a gchat status.

4. Nothing.

Just like the movies, silence is fucking golden.

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