Sunday, August 1, 2010

Just Me, Myself and I

Recently I've been given shit regarding my totally rad bachelor pad apartment. Actually "bachelor pad" makes my apartment seems like a place with a sifter of Cognac, bookshelf of intellectual reading, and Salvador Dali paintings. I'd like to think of my residence as more of the official "Living the Dream Motel." And that's totally fine with me. I love living by myself in an apartment without roommates or a significant other. I don't have to deal with anyone else's shit. Nobody is around to judge my lifestyle other than my dog, and lets be honest he's a fucking animal who cares what he thinks? I love the single bro lifestyle and even though I have to pay a little more in rent, the piece of mind I get from living by myself is priceless. I actually have a lot of advantages over all you people living with your girlfriend, your friends, or (cringe)...your parents, despite the extra monthly financial burden.

1. I'm in charge of all decorating.
If you live with somebody else you inevitably have to cater to their personal tastes when decorating the walls of your abode. You can't just put up stuff that you like, because if people come to visit they are gonna associate EVERYBODY in the place with whatever's up on the walls. If you live with a chick you have to have some "gender-neutral" decorative posters or at least let her put a Sex and the City quote list in the bathroom. If you live with a rival sports fan you may have to tolerate his team's banner up in some area of the house. If you live with a douchebag you may need to put up some paintings or a jazz poster. NOT issues for me. My "common area" (living room) has a poster of Muhammed Ali knocking Sonny Liston the fuck out because I think it's cool. My fridge has stickers of MY favorite sports team. YOU think it's unnecessary for me to have a track by track analysis of the GNR masterpiece "Appetite for Destruction" in my bathroom. I think you NEEDED to know that "Paradise City" is the only song on the album to feature a synthesizer.

2. Grocery Shopping is a Breeze.
If you live with someone else you have to "split" the grocery shopping. This is total bullshit. When they go grocery shopping they will buy a bunch of stuff "for the house" that you didn't actually need and will try to convince you to split the cost of the grocery trip. They will also count every fucking penny they spend picking up something for you from the store, even though you would never think to charge them for a cheap favor. I once asked a dickhead roommate of mine to pick me up a bottle of Texas Pete hot sauce and he actually came home and added 89 cents to the amount of money I owed him for the cable bill. Also all the room in your kitchen and fridge are taken up by their shit that you have no interest in consuming. Oh awesome I was gonna put some sodas there but your jumbo soy hippie gallon milk carton is taking up that whole shelf. Now I have plenty of room in my fridge and only need to go to the grocery store in case of EXTREME emergencies. i.e. "OH SHIT...I'M COMPLETELY OUT OF TATER TOTS!! WTF AM I GONNA EAT FRIDAY AT 3 A.M.?!?

3. Listening to music I actually like.
If you live with someone else you will be forced to tolerate their shitty taste in music. The place is only so big and the shittier a person's music taste, the LOUDER they will blare it. Even if they are listening to their garbage jams in their room, you will have to deal with it at the worst time possible. Oh awesome you really needed to blast Three-Six Mafia at 9 a.m. on your stereo alarm (with subwoofer on) otherwise there was zero chance of you waking up. Even worse is when the other resident(s) get to the common area before you get home and take control of the "common stereo." Fucking awesome, I worked late and so now we have to listen to Jack Johnson during dinner. On the other hand, I can now listen to whatever I want, at whatever volume I want with nobody bitching about it. It's Friday afternoon...I'm getting pumped for the evening/weekend...and I need to blast "Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nothing to Fuck Wit." Deal with it.

4. Not dealing with "Notes"
I'm from the old school, which means I deal with problems with others through actual personal face to face conversation. This is not however, how most people deal with issues.We live in the era of passive aggressive pussies who post their grievances in the way that requires the least personal human interaction. Are you mad that somebody didn't do the dishes? Don't point to the sink..SEND A 3 PAGE E-MAIL ABOUT IT! Did somebody forget to throw you cash for utilities? Write up on the dry-erase board "Dear (blank), I REEEAALLY need that $17 for the water bill, can you PLEASE remember to take out cash today? :)" The smiley face indicates that they are pissed but want to seem friendly about the problem. The worst are "Notes." When shit REALLY hits the fan, your roomie will make the effort to HAND WRITE..a note. This note generally originates from a trivial event but somehow leads to an amateur psychological analysis of why you are such a horrible person.

"You didn't take out the trash. This is another example of your typical selfish behavior. You complain about your parents, but maybe the reason your family hates you is because you are an inconsiderate asshole who appreciates nothing. I always wanted to maintain our friendship but it is clear that you are incapable of considering another person's feelings. Also, just fyi...I know you hit your girlfriend with a curling iron. You SICK FUCK."

(They always end on the random ridiculous fake rumor to hit you where it hurts)

5. Not having to "get approval"
When you live with someone, you can't have anybody come over without first gaining the approval of the other people in the house. If you ask them if it's ok to (GASP) have people crash in your living room, they will hint that it's ok...but..THIS happens to be the one weekend they really need to study. So no approval. If you just assume it's ok to have people over you are an inconsiderate asshole who should have considered someone else's feelings before assuming you could invite guests. If you get drunk, bring someone home, make too much noise, and knock over a lamp. HOLY SHIT. You are DEFINITELY getting an A.M. note about how you deserve to die alone, and your mother used horrible judgment in not getting an abortion 25 years ago.


  1. those tatertots were the best thing to happen in my life all week

  2. You forgot not getting bitched at for watching sports on the main tv.

  3. if i am the "douchebag" with the jazz painting that you are referring to, then you can go ahead and shove slash's hat up your ass, and keep it warm and cozy up there with axel's used diaper

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