Thursday, August 5, 2010

Cawwps Needed in the Areaahh.

Recently I went to the movies and saw the new trailer for the crime drama "The Town" set of course in the city of Boston, Massachusetts. Overall the movie looks very promising. Ben Affleck's directing impressed me in "Gone Baby Gone" and Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame is always badass. The trailer of course also grabbed my attention for it's standard Boston Crime flick trailer characteristics. There's your requisite random night shot of Fenway Park (Where FACKIN SAWKS NATION RESIDES). There's guys in Celtic t-shirts hanging at the local Irish dive bar. There's criminal bros screaming at each other in Boston accents as The heat inches closer to catching them ("THE CAWPS ARE GONNA FACKING GET US!!! WE GOTTA DRIVE OFF IN THE CAHHH NOW!!!"). Thankfully Jon Hamm didn't adopt a cheesedick Bawston accent for the movie because he plays a high ranking FBI official who one would assume wouldn't sound like a retarded 4th grader.

All joking aside I am excited to see this flick, but I'm left wondering...does crime in America ever occur outside of the cities of Boston and New York...? EVER? I think it is safe to say that 90% of all the crime dramas ever made are set in either Boston or New York (with the other 10% being inner city gang flicks set in LA). I mean does 90% of this country's crime occur in those cities? According to 2009 statistics Detroit is considered the most dangerous city in the nation. Really? I was under the assumption that Detroit is a wonderful place to visit where they settle all their scores with epic rap battles rather than firearms. I have NEVER seen a crime drama about Detroit. Baltimore is one of the most crime-riddled cities in America. Obviously there was a great crime-series about Baltimore on HBO called "The Wire" once. Nobody watched it. Of course not...crime That doesn't make sense. Meanwhile The NY Mafia drama the Sopranos became one of the highest rated TV series ever.

New York and Boston crime dramas all follow a formula. If there is crime in New York going down it's the Italian Mafia, and every character wears suits or track suits and speaks in their "Heyyy Bada-Bing fucking Jabroni" voice to each other all movie. In between committing crimes, everyone sits down to spaghetti and red wine. If there is crime going down in Boston it's Irish Homeboys who are more blue collar than their NY counterparts. They all wear wifebeaters, and red sox hats and scream at each in horrible urban accents where annunciation is not required. In between committing crimes they sit down to a pint at the local Irish Pub and get in fights constantly. If there was ever a movie made about Italian mobsters in Boston my head would explode.

Maybe that's why crime dramas work better in these two cities. The cities have personality, they have accents which are easy to concoct an exaggerated impersonation of. People have done movies in these places before, and a lot of actors are from the area, so it's easier to follow a formula. Lots of tourists have visited these two cities, so even outsiders can relate to the town's stereotypes. Do you know what city was second in the nation in murders last year..St. Louis Missouri. Could you imagine a crime drama set in St. Louis, Missouri? What do people even sound like out there? I assume it's just a bunch of the most generic white people ever walking around. You couldn't cast Dicaprio, DeNiro, or Matt Damon. You would have to give the starring roles to like Tobey Maguire and Topher Grace, with Zooey Deschanel playing the female lead. Jeff Daniels would have to play the role of town mob boss with Michael Cera playing his top henchman. Sign me up for that shit...

What about an ensemble crime drama in the South (where believe it or not LOTS of crime occurs)? Well after casting Tommy Lee Jones, and Billy Bob Thorton your pickings are pretty slim for the rest of the cast. IDK how I feel about Matthew McConaughey in a hardass crime drama ("alriiight, alriiight, alright, lets get to robbing some banks here gang"). "No Country for Old Men" (great movie) is the only Southern crime flick I can think of, and that only required one major actor besides Tommy Lee Jones to adopt a Texan accent (Josh Brolin). Nobody wants to risk getting another outsider to try and adopt a Texan accent ever again after James Van Der Beek's Oscar worthy performance in "Varsity Blues." I DON'T WANT...THAT MOVIE...

Anyways I own every one of the aforementioned "formulaic" Boston/NY crime dramas. And they are all generally great flicks. I'm just saying that it would be nice for once to try out setting a badass crime flick in a city outside the Northeast just once, and see how it turned out. Yeah seeing Wahlberg and Damon scream at each other and scuffle while screaming that the other's a "Bad Fackin Cawwp" or "No Fackin Statie" is cool. Joe Pesci calling guys "Muddafuckas" before stomping their face? Awesome. Lets just try something new. A crime flick where everyone's accent sounds like "SlingBlade"..? I don't reckon I got no reason to think it would be that bad...

No comments:

Post a Comment