Thursday, July 29, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: SANTANA

When you're a badass band...and you get old...sometimes you gotta sell out a little bit to remain relevant. If you're the Rolling Stones you put your lips logo on merchandise ranging from coffe mugs to bedroom slippers. If you're The Who you sell all your songs to CBS crime dramas. If you're Eric Clapton you write an acoustic ballad about your dead kid. Whatever. Do what you gotta do to put cash away for your retirement or keep your name out there. I mean IDK if Aerosmith REALLY needed to give Celine Dion a run for her money in the epic movie theme ballad department, but hey we pretty much assumed they were dead after "Get a Grip." Nobody however, has sold out to a ridiculous extent comparable to This Weeks Band That Sucks Balls: SANTANA.

Santana was once, many decades ago, a cool band. For all the "Black Magic Woman"/Woodstock hype, I think "Santana III" was their rock peak. Today however, "Santana" is just Carlos Santana and whatever random backing outfit he comes up with. Carlos Santana is a total pussy sellout bitch. Around the time the millenium hit, some asshole in the music industry (Clive Davis.. cough..) thought it would be a brilliant idea for Santana to make an album with all of modern music's brightest stars (Translation: billboard pop bullshit). Santana wouldn't actually do...ANYTHING on this album. Other people would write the songs. Other people would sing the songs. He would just play his generic guitar riffs in the background and eventually play a quick solo...but we'll still use the band name "Santana" to sell it. Boy did that shit sell. Santana's album "Supernatural" blew up on the charts. His hit single with Rob Thomas (Of nancy boy Matchbox 20 fame) was on the radio 24/7. Santana won 78 Grammys. Gold medal victory in the sellout olympics.

Well as is the case with all shitty music industry formulas, once it works once you might as well try it again...and again...and AGAIN. Till people are fucking sick of buying it up. So Santana continued to make shitty collabos one after the other. "Yeah uh I mean a song with Rob Thomas is pretty lame but what if we pair up Carlos with Michelle Branch this time?? Or NICKELBACK? That song would be so lame that it would completely dominate the Billboard 200 since America is a country of sheep consumers that EAT UP cookie cutter bullshit." Well after eventually running out of shitty pop singers to collaborate with, Santana took a break and then came up with THIS as the brilliant concept for his next album:

(Throws computer out the window)
(Sets desk on fire)
(punches baby)

OMG. FUCK YOU CARLOS. You can make all the shitty duet albums you want but you do NOT get to butcher classic rock anthems. Are you fucking kidding me with this album? First of all look at the title of the article: "Santana RECRUITS Nas and Daughtry." Do you really need to RECRUIT "Daughtry" for anything. Shouldn't that douchebag just be happy that people still urge him to release music? He wasn't "recruited," Clive Davis and Santana just threw darts at the Billboard 200 and hit on him for the choice to cover Def Leppard. There are a billion versions of "Little Wing." Did we really need ANOTHER cover...with Joe Cocker? "While my Guitar Gently Weeps" was originally recorded as a collaboration between The Beatles and Eric Clapton. So now it is obviously gonna be modernizeded as a collaboration between Santana, India Arie, and Yo Yo Ma. India Arie sucks. I just remember her singing a bunch of songs about being black and beautiful. Well you are not beautiful you are a fucking ugly twat. Take your African headdress off you are not from Tanzania. Yo Yo Ma plays the fucking cello and looks like last years Scripps Spelling bee champion. He doesn't belong on a rock album. George Harrison was pretty much a pansy and he would stab Carlos to death if he were alive to witness this.

This album also of course features Santana doing another collaboration with his boyfriend Rob Thomas (pictured above lost in each others eyes). Jesus Christ. How many more times do I need to hear fucking Rob Thomas on the radio? His music is shit. He sounds like the bastard lovechild of John Mayer and Nickelback. Why is he just Rob Thomas now instead of Matchbox Twenty? Did the other members of the band have a meeting and break up the crew due to creative differences? "Look guys our music is fucking pussy pop rock garbage, but the direction Rob wants to take us is simply too pussy for us to handle. We would have to literally sever our balls off to continue as a band."

Anyways I digress from the original target. The other thing that pisses me off is that Carlos talks about how he is attempting to make legitimate music. And people buy it because he talks in his smooth spiritual hippy voice and makes deep statements like this:

"Well you know I just want to connect all the beautiful peoples and peaceful formations of the rainbow as one with the sound of my music."

Fuck you. You don't have a message. You cover AC/DC with Nas for one reason and one reason only. $$$. Nobody collaborates with Rob Thomas to bring peace to the world. If anything hearing you and Rob Thomas on my radio makes me want to commit random acts of violence. So stop telling me this bullshit. You have enough money to retire now, or at least enough to just tour doing greatest hits gigs with a random band you label "Santana." So just stop releasing music, because when I hear Taylor Swift singing over that same guitar riff I am gonna be prone to drive my car off the road and hit innocent bystanders.

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