Sunday, July 25, 2010

The De-Draperization of my Gender

AMC's "Mad Men" premieres tonight and I am fucking psyched. Mad Men kicks ass. If for some random reason you don't know about the premise of the show here it is. It's the 1960s. Don Draper and his cronies are Madison Avenue ad agency guys. They make lots of money. They drink and smoke at the office all day long. They screw their secretaries/clients/assistants while wifey takes care of the kids and makes dinner. What an awesome time that must have been. All this is done while looking sharp in various dapper suits and skinny ties.

Note that last part. You see back in the day, men HAD to get dressed up for things. They HAD to look sharp at all times. You had to maintain your appearance at all times or you were a nancy boy. This is no longer the case of course. Look at Exhibit A pictured here. You might be saying to yourself "who is that..? Your little brother in 7th grade?" NO. THIS guy ladies and gentleman, is an adult...and is in fucking law school. Yeah. The future of the legal profession looks like the posterchild for Warped Tour 2K10. What the shit has happened to my gender?

First of all, college is the cut-off point for wearing ridiculous shit. Once you've completed undergrad you are officially an adult and need to start looking like one. No more ridiculous haircuts. No more homeless person facial hair. No more oversized sunglasses. Yeah I once had a wannabe Art Garfunkel Jew fro and metal goatee. Then I fucking grew up. I'm not saying we should all go around dressed "Mad Men" characters 24/7, but there are three ways you are allowed to dress past the age of 22. Formal. Business Casual. Casual. The first two are self-explanatory if you've know...had a job. The last one is your weekend look. T-shirt + jeans ensemble. Fine. NEVER however, is Option D above acceptable if you want to be considered a legitimate member of my gender.

What pisses me off even more about the way guys dress these days, is that they seem to wear their ridiculous shit at the MOST inappropriate times. It's a family gathering, and you all haven't seen each other in a long time. Make SOME effort to look presentable so Grandpa doesn't completely lose faith in his legacy. I don't care if it is Christmas or a BBQ. Don't wear your fucking hipster Sanford and Son "You Big Dummy" t-shirt and trucker hat. Nobody is impressed by your clever pop culture reference dickhead. Throw on a polo and khakis at least. If you're at a grad school event look presentable to your future peers in your industry of choice. Courtrooms are another place where people's attire BLOWS MY MIND. You are here because you did something stupid. You're trying to convince the judge that you slipped up one time, and aren't committing to a lifetime of idiocy. SO FUCKING LOOK PRESENTABLE. A Judge is never gonna think to himself "Boy that chain and Red Air Force Ones really compliment those Sean John jeans hanging off that kid's ass. Maybe I should be a little lenient with his probation conditions." Also "I can't afford a suit" is not an excuse. I've worked in retail. I know those jeans cost $60. You can fucking afford a suit.

In recent times with shows like Mad Men and magazines like GQ and Esquire making a comeback in relevance, I have gained some confidence that my gender may still rise from the ashes. Looking dapper is occasionally being considered "cool" again. We may still see a time where dudes aspire to look like "The Rat Pack" rather than members of Fall Out Boy's entourage. I certainly hope so, because the next douchebag I see in a PBR-shirt and skinny jeans is getting a PBR bottle smashed on his head.

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