Bands That Suck Balls: ACL Edition

This weekend Austin, Texas hosts it's massive annual music festival Austin City Limits ("ACL"). Much like other massive rock fests like Bonnaroo, and San Fran's Outside Lands festival ACL always seems like a good idea initially. They announce the lineup and in quickly perusing the list you note that 4-5 cool bands you like are playing. Awesome sign me up! Then you realize that the festival is three days long. And a million bands are playing. And the tickets are about $200. Most importantly you remember that 99% of music today sucks, so aside from the few bands you like at the festival, the rest of the music you hear over the weekend will probably suck balls. The combination of listening to mostly shitty music, while dehydrated in the Texas heat, while having to deal with smelly hippies and douchebag hipsters, and suddenly you no longer have any desire to attend ACL. This year I analyzed the ACL lineup and was not shocked in the least to find that most of it is shit. So with apologies to Mofro, The Black Keys, The Sword, and Robert Randolph, This Weeks Band That Sucks Balls: 2010 ACL LINEUP.

Miike Snow-

I saw a billion status messages this week about people checking out the "Miike" Snow after party. I assumed they were just spelling his name with two i's to express their excitement. Turns out this cockbag actually spells his name with two i's. Miike's band is made up of a couple of casio keyboards and a drum machine. So shitty electro dance pop for hipsters to nod and sway to. Lame.

Beach House-

Some emo chick and her long haired pussy boyfriend play a piano and droning guitar riff and attempt to emulate Simon and Garfunkel's most depressing songs. Kill yourselves.

Spoon

Hip band from Austin that plays simple repetitive guitar riffs along with a drum beat that starts off slow and...never builds up to anything. You know..no actual drum fills that might require talent. Seriously Spoon's drummer makes Meg White look like Keith Moon.

Slightly Stoopid

Homeless man's Sublime.

Sonic Youth

Unlike most people of my generation I will openly tell you that Sonic Youth's music fucking sucks. They are one of those dipshit bands along with R.E.M. that invented the "alternative rock" genre. Alternative rock is code for "We can't play our instruments for dick or sing, our music is pretty much just a bunch of distortion and noise."

Vampire Weekend

Ok this band is seriously just fucking noise. I can't even describe these insufferable hipsters. If you can get through 30 seconds of this video without getting the sudden urge to punch a baby you are a stronger man than I: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XC2mqcMMGQ

The Strokes

Jesus christ these dickheads are still around? How the fuck do they have a 2 hour headlining set when all their songs are 2 and a half minute garage rock jams? The Strokes are every hip hollywood celebrity's favorite band which is all you really need to know about how much they blow.

Phish

Phiiiiiiiiiish broooooooooo!!

Pete Yorn

Some sad whiney douchebag who plays a shitty hybrid mix of emo acoustic folk rock occasionally featuring a piano. Somebody get Pete a tampon.

Lucero

All of Lucero's music sounds like a drunk guy at karaoke singing "Tuesday's Gone" off key.

Gaslight Anthem

Depressing emo power punk bullshit. This sounds like The Clash if Joe Strummer wrote all their songs after attending a family funeral.

Black Lips

I already hated this band when it was called Vampire Weekend.

Silversun Pickups

If every song the Smashing Pumpkins wrote was "1979" they would be The Silversun Pickups.

Gogol Bordello

Some weirdo that screams jibberish while strumming an acoustic guitar and looking like the posterchild for "look at this fucking hipster".com.

LCD Soundsystem

More Keyboard, synthesizer electric pop bullshit. Remember when guitars, bass and a drum set were required for a band? That was cool.

M.I.A.

I guess I like that song "Paper Planes" from Pineapple Express. Other than that I don't have much of an opinion on this weird brit rap chick.

Muse

Addressed Muse last week. They suck. Next.

Devendra Banhart and the Grogs

Devendra Banhart is a smelly disheveled hippie who has done way too many drugs. Seriously there are multiple homeless people by my house I would let use my shower before DB.

Yeasayer

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IS EVERY OTHER BAND AT THIS FESTIVAL A FUCKING KEYBOARD/SYNTH/DRUM MACHINE OUTFIT?!?

Flaming Lips

Every time I ask a Flaming Lips fan what is cool about the Flaming Lips and their "amazing live show," their response is just "dude...their lead singer comes out in a bubble"...and nothing further. Their songs are nonsensical bullshit and their lead singer looks like my high school chemistry teacher mated with a pedophile.

Switchfoot

They're like Nickelback meets the Goo Goo Dolls! ROCK!!!!

Norah Jones

More like "Snoooooreah Jones." Get it? Because she is fucking boring.

The Eagles

Is there a clause in every classic rock DJ's contract that requires them to play Hotel California 28 times a day? I liked this song waaaay better when it was called "Stairway to Heaven" and didn't suck.