Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Living in a Fantasy World

Today is Tuesday, which means that another week of the NFL season is in the books. Normally this would spark a morning of water cooler discussions regarding the implications of the division standings through six weeks. Or perhaps talk of how injuries have affected the top Super Bowl contenders. Maybe people might even engage in trash talk about how their team just won a tightly contested matchup with their arch rival. At least that's how things used to work. Today however, every discussion begins and ends with talk of how everyone did this weekend in their "league." In the modern world it is impossible to talk about the NFL anymore without mention of Fantasy Football.

Fantasy Football is fucking retarded. The concept (for the three people other people out there not in "a league") is that you and ten of your buddies get together and have a draft, where you pick players for your respective "teams." These players are ranked via how many points they can get you through gaining yards, scoring touchdowns etc. Each week you "play" against another "fantasy owner" and whoever's team scores the most points as a result of their players having the most gaudy stats, wins. Points, wins and standings are recorded and tallied through an online website. Does this not sound like the geekiest thing in the world? Well it is. Except fantasy football owners aren't scrutinized and mocked in society in the same manner that say..a bunch of nerds who play role playing games with armies of wizards and dragons are. The name after all includes the term "football" and the game requires watching lots of football on a weekly basis, so fantasy football is considered just as manly an activity as fishing or going to a strip club.

I played fantasy football once and it was a miserable experience. Fantasy football renders you unable to focus on just...being a fan and rooting for your favorite franchise to win each week. You have to watch every game and not just yours. You can't just roll out of bed on Sunday morning hungover and head straight to the sports bar, you have to run to the computer to "update" your roster before noon. Then you get in those awkward situations where you have a player on your fantasy squad that plays for the opponent of your favorite team. "Well we really need this win against the Texans to make the playoffs, but I need 17 points from Andre Johnson to take the lead in my league." Or somebody on your team scoring the winning touchdown, but happens to be on the "roster" of a rival fantasy owner. What a dilemma! Who should I focus on cheering for today?? What 4 tvs do I absolutely have to be watching at all times?? Fuck that bullshit. I don't want to have to remember to do something on Sunday morning, before I go to the bar. I like to focus on my team's game and maybe one other game that involves the team ahead of them in the standings. That's it. If you're an NFC East fan you shouldn't be screaming at the TV with the Bengals-Jaguars game on it.

Obviously most fantasy football owners are by nature actual football fans who have a favorite team they root for every Sunday. There are however, an increasing number of people who have no personal rooting interest in the NFL that only care about fantasy football. I fucking LOATHE these people. Do you know why I despise these fucking scumbuckets? These people always interrupt a conversation about actual football and relate it back to how their fantasy team is doing.

Co-Worker: "Hey man tough loss for your boys yesterday." Horrible holding call on that kick return.

Me: "Yeah I know. Total bullshit. I have no idea how that was a block in the back."

Dickhead Fantasy Guy: "Shit well if it makes you feel better, This retard over here decided NOT to start Joe Flacco...when the Ravens were playing the Patriots!! Everyone knows the Pats have the 29th ranked pass defense I mean DUH!!"

Jesus Christ, fuck you dude. I'm trying to get over a heartbreaking overtime loss that put my squad in last place in the division. I don't give a shit how your stupid fantasy team did this weekend. Oh sorry you endangered your chances of winning that $200 prize in two months. Which is now only $100 since you invested in 20 strategic moves to improve your roster. Waaaah. Nobody cares how "Chariots of Fire Crotch" is doing in the Yahoo standings.

What pisses me off the most about fantasy football, is that it is EVERYWHERE now. You can't avoid it. Since so many people across the nation love it, real sports media outlets actually cover it every week. There are guys on ESPN who are fantasy "experts" that tell you who are the fantasy stars of each game. There are people that write fantasy "draft guides" for magazines. How did these dorks get jobs? By memorizing and analyzing the league leader statistics? There is even a sitcom on FX ("The League") that is devoted ENTIRELY to fantasy football. That is not funny at all. "The League" is kind of like "Everybody Loves Raymond" if all the jokes about your wife withholding sex from you involved fantasy football transactions. Well I'm sick of all this. I don't want fantasy football analysis on ESPN. I don't wanna read about who each week's "fantasy studs" are. I don't wanna watch anything about fantasy football. I just wanna be a football fan and discuss real-life football. So if you wanna discuss ACTUAL pigskin, let me know, but if you're only interested in talking about how Michael Vick's ailing ribs affect "Roethlisberger Rape Brigade's" roster, I'd rather put on my headphones and listen to a Coldplay record.


  1. Ouch... Comparing fantasy to Coldplay? You're a dick indeed.

  2. BTW, I might change my teams name to "Chariots of Fire Crotch" or "Tea-Bagz the Indian"

  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. True, home team then maybe fantasy team. Though I could see one mentioning their fantasy team if their home team lost a game poorly. Especially if that opponent's QB's idea of picking up women involve sending pictures of their junk.

  5. I have just installed iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.