Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sympathy for the Devil

The baseball playoffs started today but since America's real pastime is football the ESPN headlines have been all about the blockbuster Vikings-Patriots trade. The Patriots traded future Hall of Fame receiver Randy Moss to the Vikings (his former team) for a third round draft pick, which is the sports equivalent of trading a Ferrari for a gift certificate to a Honda dealership. Why did they do this? Most likely because they, like other teams before them, considered Randy to be a selfish asshole. Somebody that only cares about himself and bitches when he doesn't get the ball enough. A "me-first" guy in a world that knows there is no "I" in "TEAM." It is a universally accepted truth that you can't win in team sports with selfish assholes because you need "chemistry." Well let me be the first to tell you that that selfish assholes win championships. Can't live with em' but you certainly can't win without em'.

The reason every team needs selfish assholes is because the most selfish asshole on a team's roster always happens to also be the best athlete on the team. If you are a great athlete you are most likely an asshole. When I say "athlete" I don't just mean somebody that is great at playing their sport. I mean somebody that was born with god given physical abilities that can't be taught. Take all-around nice guy Drew Brees for example. He is a great football player, but he is not a great "athlete." He honed his craft through hours of hard work and studying the game he plays. He wasn't born with the ability to outrun wild animals and a god given physical frame naturally honed for athletic competition. He's not the guy on highlight reels on sportscenter that makes plays that leave you speechless and make you think " the fuck did he do that?" If he were that guy, he would be definitely be an asshole.

Seriously if you think of all the truly great athletes in history they were almost all assholes. Remember a guy by the name of Michael Jeffrey Jordan? Kinda decent at roundball? Complete and total asshole. He actually told individual players if they were allowed to touch the ball at crunchtime. He punched out teammates in practice. He talked shit to his rivals. He also just so happened to have the ability to dunk a basketball from the free throw line and won 6 titles. Remember a guy named Deion Sanders? He wore sunglasses and gold chains to press conferences. He made rap videos. He danced and taunted opponents before, during and after he scored on them. That asshole also happened to control the balance of power in football throughout the 1990s. A famous nice guy NFL legend named Steve Young spent the early 90s struggling to beat a notorious collection of assholes known as the Dallas Cowboys. Then he convinced his 49ers to sign that total asshole Deion Sanders and won a championship. Then Deion acted like an asshole and went and signed with the 49ers aforementioned rivals from Dallas and won them a championship.

Things have not really changed since the days of MJ and Deion. Assholes are still the most physically gifted people in the world of sports. Everybody acted surprised this summer when the finest athlete of this generation, a Mr. Lebron James, turned out to be an asshole. We all thought he was the nice unselfish kid with the million dollar smile that loved his fans in Cleveland. He wasn't. He was the asshole that wanted to "take his talents" to sunny Miami and win a championship with his asshole superstar buddies. This brings me to my point of why assholes are essential to a team's success. Assholes love WINNING.

Assholes know they are better than everyone else. Assholes known they were born with gifts that don't get bestowed upon people at birth every day. Assholes know that if they can't translate their amazing physical talents into championships, their career is deemed a failure and they are just another asshole. So they bitch, piss people off, and do whatever it takes to ensure they get themselves a ring. That's what Randy Moss did this week. He essentially said to the Patriots: "Hey dickheads if you're not gonna throw me the ball anymore you clearly don't care about winning as much as I do." So he told them "get me the fuck out of here and send me to Minnesota where Brett Favre (another complete asshole) will appreciate these muthafuckin' skills and throw me the god damn ball, and I can get myself a Lombardi trophy." Randy Moss knew that Minnesota wanted a championship as bad as he did if they were willing to trade for the same asshole they ran out of town years ago.

With Randy Moss gone the New England Patriots locker room will surely be a more tranquil place. They will have better team "chemistry" without some asshole yelling at teammates and coaches about getting the ball enough. I GUARANTEE however, that they will not win a championship this season without that asshole Randy Moss. You don't win titles with nice, hard working 5-7 overachievers named Danny Woodhead. You win championships with 6-4 assholes that can leap over people and pluck the ball effortlessly out of midair like it's childs play. So good luck this season Patriots. You may have just shipped out the one asshole your team couldn't live without.


  1. Unfortunately I think the team you're poking fun at also proves the counter to your point - the Patriots already won 3 championships in the past decade and I can't think of one player they had who I would call "an asshole", or atleast not an asshole was an obviously superior athlete.

  2. the counter to your point? you sure sound like an asshole.

  3. New England fans generally are under the impression that the Pats were only comprised of nice blue collar guys like Mike Vrabel and Tedy Bruschi. Corey Dillon, Ty Law, Asante Samuel while maybe not physical freaks on par with Randy Moss (Nobody is) were all badass selfish assholes that were key cogs on the Pats championship teams. Corey Dillon bitched his way out of Cincinatti for the chance to play with a contender (much like Moss) and rushed for 1600 yards during the 2004 Pats title year. Law and Samuels were physcially gifted cornerbacks (maybe the most athletic position in football)who had falling outs with the franchise when they weren't overpaid as much as they demanded.

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