Monday, November 15, 2010

Real. Comfortable. Dickhead.

I wrote a post a while back regarding assholes in sports, and how they were essential to a team's success. This was in response to the Patriots making the mistake (so I thought) of trading Randy Moss away to the Vikings. Since then of course, Moss' continued assholery has been well documented as he wore out his welcome in yet another locker room, and did little on the field to make his presence worthwhile. Whatever, I didn't get the memo that Moss was a completely washed up asshole. Anyways nobody in the media tries to put a positive spin on Randy Moss' behavior. Everybody knows he's an asshole, everybody dwells on the fact that he is an asshole, and the world will be notified by ESPN every time he doesn't hold a door for an old lady (or bitches about a local rib joint..). There is one asshole however, who always gets the golden boy treatment despite being no less of an asshole than Randy Moss, even if his asshole tendencies differ in nature. This asshole can do no wrong in the eyes of the media no matter how much he fucks up on or off the field. It blows my mind and pisses me off to no end. I am talking of course about national Wrangler spokesman and American hero Brett Favre.

Seriously fuck Brett Favre. I'm so done with his bullshit. Look I know he was a great quarterback for most of his career. First ballot Hall of Famer, maybe the best to ever play his position. That doesn't excuse the fact that he has acted like a total dickhead and child over the last 3-4 years. More importantly it doesn't excuse the fact that the media continues to grant him on-air felatio week in and week out no matter what he does. I am so sick of hearing about Brett Favre ad nauseum every fucking week. Those of you who are slightly more than casual football fans know that he quarterbacks a shitty team not relevant to the playoff discussion, and that he sucks. Since I'm not a sports blogger I won't beat you over the head with statistical analysis. Just know that the Minnesota Vikings suck balls, and basically every loss can be placed squarely on the shoulders of Captain Wrangler. End of story.

Lets move away from the on-field stuff for a second though. I know Brett Favre fanatics will pummel me with theories as to why the Vikings suck that don't involve #4 (i.e. their utterly retarded coach). They will point to his great season last year, and argue that the guy can still play. Fine. You cannot however my refute my belief that he is a complete primadonna cockbag. Lets look first at how he's acted in the offseason ever since the first time he "retired." He plays a season. Then he starts to drop hints about his impending retirement. So the media blows him incessantly because they think this might be the last go-around for their pigskin god. Then he retires in a tearful press conference. Or at the very least says he "thinks he's through."

Then he heads to Hattiesburg, Mississippi for a relaxed summer of bass fishing and buck hunting. You know standard All-American Good Ol' Boy' activities. Then in August, after his team has been in training camp for a good while, he randomly decides he can handle one more rodeo. He gets "the itch" to play. His injuries have "healed." His team sends a private jet down to Mississippi, and begs him to return. He does return, conveniently having forgone an entire month of practice the rest of his teammates had to endure. ESPN circles him 24/7 during the whole ordeal, their "experts" eagerly anticipating his decision on "to come back or not to come back" even though those of us sitting at home all know what's coming. Any other player would be considered a selfish asshole for making their team wait on their decision to unretire, skipping training camp, and then forcing their coaches to come down to Mississippi (a shittactic state no man should be even be forced to drive THROUGH) to beg for his return. They would be crucified on tv every day by sports talking heads. Not BritFar though. He is a DatGum Legend. The greatest ever. He has "earned the right" to do all this. What a crock of shit.

This season has been worse than ever in terms of the media outlets' oral copulation of this redneck asshat. Brett Favre is known to be the toughest, most durable man to ever lace up a piece of cleats. He never misses a game, as evidenced by his consecutive starts streak. Boy has he ever milked the fuck out of that this year. Every week some report comes out about his "nagging injuries." Every week his starts streak is "in jeopardy of ending" because he is banged up. We know this because we hear it from the mouth of Bubba Jesus himself.

"Durr well this hur ankle's bin really botherin me this week and I ain't go no idea if I's gon be able to suit up Sunday. I'm in loads of pain ya see. Ima really gon work hard to try to heal up bt I can't guarantee I'll play."

(Fast-Forward to Sunday. He plays. Duh.)

Look I'm not saying he's not legitimately playing with pain. I don't however need to hear about his bumps and bruises before, during and after every game. Injuries that have yet to actually keep him out of a game. Injuries that look fine when he's jumping around celebrating a touchdown. Injury discussions that always seem to coincidentally arise after he has shit the bed and lost his team another ballgame. Seems pretty convenient that whenever Brett Favre plays like crap, the convo amongst sports analysts/writers turns to his injuries and the fact that he's such "a warrior" and "tough as nails." and "never gives up." The "never gives up" thing really pisses me off. WTF does that mean?? He is a fucking athlete getting paid millions of dollars. Are we supposed to commend him for NOT taking himself out of a game his team's losing? Last time I checked you are supposed to play 60 minutes in a football game, and don't get a medal of honor every time you do so.

I won't get too much into DongGate 2K10 and the Jen Sterger controversy, because after all here in America you are "innocent until proven guilty" and Brett Favre is still "under investigation" by the NFL (An "investigation" that seems to have disappeared under the rug). I'll just say that if anybody other than Captain America had ("allegedly") texted pics of his dick to a female NFL employee repeatedly, it might have gotten a little more press. Brett Favre however is free from media backlash. He is after all an All-American good ol' boy who wears Wrangler jeans and talks with a manly Southern drawl. He rocks his dirt covered fishin' hat in press conferences. He drives pickup trucks and wrastles with his adorable pooch. He doesn't show up driving an Escalade, wearing a doo-rag, and then tell reporters he wil be paying a fine "straight cash Homie" like Randy Moss does. So he gets a pass for everything..except from amateur observers like hater bloggers and hater football fans who are full of hot air and don't understand his hero status. Well whatever, Brett Favre is an absolute self-absorbed, conceited dickhead. You heard it here first. I'll stand alone on that opinion if necessary because it is a Dat Gum fact.


  1. Brett Favre is the greatest American footall player EVER!!! He's 40 and is still one of the ten best in the league, just check his fantasy stats...

    I know you love fantasy stats!

    Also, he is allowed to text pics of his dick to anyone he wants because he is a Dad-Gum football god! I, however, doubt that he did this since the media stopped talking about it and the media is always on top of things...

  2. What makes Favre good is that he can convince people better than anyone else that he's right, even those that may have more knowledge of the game (p.manning) or athletic ability (vick).

    The age thing isn't a big deal. Anyone remember Warren Moon?

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