Today is Sunday, which means if you're a fan of an NFL franchise that isn't just playing to determine how high their April draft position will be, football is your focus. If you're like me however, and your favorite team sucks balls, I suggest you turn your Sunday attention to a groundbreaking new show on AMC: "The Walking Dead." Finally a TV show is addressing a very real and serious concern that I stay up nights thinking about: WTF are we gonna do when the zombie apocalypse arrives? How must we prepare ourselves accordingly? Last week were the midterm elections and I noted that there was not even ONE candidate that discussed how they planned on dealing with a potential zombie outbreak. Medicare this, taxes that..BOWWRING. What about zombies?? This was a major reason I didn't vote along with the fact that I got the memo that politics is one big ass-blast. Anyways I have given a lot of thought to the impending zombie apocalypse and I realized that I will be faced with at least five major dilemmas when the walkers arrive.
1. I'm out of shape
I drink and smoke. I eat cheeseburgers for lunch. I don't really "hit the gym" or have a particularly "active lifestyle." You know those assholes that go jogging with their dogs at 7am every day? Yeah...definitely not me. Well when the zombies come, this is going to be a problem. I am clearly not physically fit enough to spend my day running for my life when the zombies are chasing after me. Zombies generally move slow, but there are so many of them at every corner that you will constantly have to be on the move. Basically the Kenyan population is in a great position to deal with a zombie outbreak since 99% of their population has won a marathon at some point. Our fat, out of shape American asses...not so much.
2. A deluxe apartment in the sky...
If you are an unmarried 20 something like myself, you probably don't live in a house out in the suburbs. You most likely live in a downtown high-rise apartment in the crowded city where you work. This places you at a serious disadvantage during the zombie apocalypse. As I've already mentioned, you will constantly need to be on the move. Just when you think it's safe for you to take a load off your feet and relax, is right when a pack of brain-hungry zombies will come knocking down your door. If you live in a downtown apartment like I do, you're totally FUCKED. Especially when you're somebody like me who is constantly blasting rad jams at an appropriately loud level, that are prone to attract the ears of zombies. In a house you have tons of options in terms of places to hide. Where the hell do I hide im my small ass one bedroom apartment? One of two closets? I have a narrow doorway so there is no chance I juke past the attacking zombies and run into my hallway (which will be littered with zombies anyways). What is my escape plan?? Even if I briefly subdue the attacking zombies hunger for flesh by throwing my dog at them, I can't jump out the window off my 21st floor balcony. My best hope is that zombies don't yet comprehend how to use elevators so I can just take that down to freedom, while they slowly climb 21 flights of stairs.
3. I'm only familiar with screwdrivers involving vodka
My dad is Mr. Handy Man. Give him a screwdriver, some glue and like a paper clip and he can fix anything in the house. I on the other hand couldn't build you a fucking kitchen table if it came with three legs already assembled. This will be a major setback for my survival chances during the Zombie apocalypse. Obviously one of the keys to surviving a zombie outbreak is preventing zombies from getting within spitting distance of you. This is done by making wherever you are hiding out an impenetrable fortress. Build walls, high fences and any other form of barricade that will prevent zombies from easily getting to you. Your Brinks home security system won't do you any good once all your neighbors and half the police force has already been bitten and joined the ranks of the walking dead. You're also going to need weapons to battle the zombies when they finally do break into your home. How many guns and how much ammo do you currently have stockpiled in your garage to blow away the walkers? Probably not a lot. Do you just have cutlasses and samurai swords laying around to decapitate your attackers at a moment's notice? Probably not. So you're gonna have to fashion some unorthodox weapons for battle out of whatever tools and home improvement supplies you have. Think like...a garden shear crossbow. So repair your relationship with your father ASAP because you will need his handy man skills to help you survive.
4. Killing Family and Friends
Look it's nice to think you will be able protect all your kin and close compadres from the zombies by sticking together and holing up in some super-fortress mansion you built to perfection. This is not a realistic notion however. Inevitably, some of your family friends will be bitten by the enemy and turn into brain-hungy corpse killing machines themselves. This is an adversity you will have to face, and how you react will determine whether or not you make it through each day of the apocalypse alive. Look I don't generally believe in "moral dilemmas" when it comes to dealing with zombies. You're a cute little girl zombie? BANG!! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD. You're a sweet old grandma zombie? BLAM! FUCKING GRANNY'S BRAINS GET SPLATTERED. You're a zombie in a wheelchair? Good, easier for me to hurl you down a flight of stairs and then decapitate you with my Ginsu knife. Friends/Family though...that's a tougher choice to make. I suggest you look at your facebook profile and go down your list of friends ahead of time. For instance I went through my list of 200 something "friends" on Facebook and decided there are about 6-7 of you that I would have genuine difficulty shooting in the face if you turned into a zombie. The rest of you...? Not even a debate. Sorry you gotta cut some ties during an outbreak. Mom..Best man at wedding...? Yeah tough to blow them away in the blink of an eye. However your deadbeat uncle, ex-girlfriend, or bro you occassionally go to happy hour with...yeah they're getting offed at the drop of a dime if you're serious about living into tomorrow.
5. Will I need to relocate during the Zombie Apocalypse?
You probably like where you live currently. Maybe it's your hometown and you've lived there your entire life and couldn't imagine leaving your place of birth. Maybe it's some trendy new city you always dreamed of moving to once the opportunity to leave your shitty hometown presented itself. Whatever. When the Zombie Apocalype arrives, you will have to give serious consideration to relocating from your current location if the situation calls for it. The reality may be that you are not residing in the best environment for dealing with zombies. So I have to think to myself...I live in Texas...should I relocate when the walking dead arrive..? FUCK and NO. Texas is BY FAR the one state in America most prepared for the zombie outbreak.
Every household in Texas owns multiple firearms, probably a couple shotguns and hunting rifles. If you're some illegal immigrant walking on their lawn, they will not hesitate to shoot your ass of their property. You think some Texan is gonna think twice about blowing away some blood thirsty walking corpse on his grass? Most Texans have huge pickups with massive truck beds that five or six people could actually live on. I mean the weather never really gets that cold so you could totally sleep in the back of pickup trucks down here. And you could pick up and drive off in a second if you see the zombies approaching. Oversized Texas trucks are also the vehicle most adept to running over packs of zombies unless you have a tank in your garage. Most Texan families also have wide tracts of hunting land somewhere or a ranch where you could go and hide out. Also since we have so much large livestock down here, you could keep the walkers at bay by simply releasing herds of longhorns towards attacking zombies to briefly satisfy their hunger while you get into battle formation or retreat. So really this last item on the list is not a dilemma at all. When the Zombie Apocalypse arrives the Lone Star Republic will be the last state standing. I just hope I can figure out items #1-4 on this list before the walkers actually get here.