Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Your Requisite Harry Potter Hater Post

As a general rule, if there is a popular Hollywood blockbuster movie franchise out there, I probably have zero interest in it. Think: The Matrix Trilogy, Lord of The Rings, and all of the post "Return of the Jedi" Star Wars flicks. Yeah I have not seen even ONE of these movies. There are of course obvious reasons for this. Crazy conceptual Sci-fi movies don't really do it for me, (i.e. If you're looking for the one guy who didn't like "Inception"...look no further..) so The Matrix doesn't hold much appeal to me. Star Wars minus Darth Vader and Han Solo...Meh. I don't have the attention span for anything that's 3 hours plus in length unless "Godfather" is attached to the title so Lord of The Rings will probably put me to sleep. Regardless, I understand that other people are interested in watching movies about fighting against machines, intergalactic space warfare, and epic medieval fantasy battles. One franchise I'm completely lost on however, releases its seventh (7TH!!) installment this week, and I will not be in the insane cineplex line Friday night forking over $10 to see it. Of course I'm talking about Harry Fucking Potter.

WTF is the deal with Harry Potter? People are OBSESSED with Harry Potter. Harry Potter is based upon a popular series of childrens books written by some British Twat named J.K. Rawlings. So you would think that the franchise's core audience would be you know...children. While children do make up a sizeable portion of the their fanbase, there are also a massive amount of young adult Harry Potter fanatics. Yes a large group of twenty-somethings are fascinated by movies about teenage wizard school students who fly around on broomsticks casting spells. Seriously I see no adult appeal for this shit. I was trying to think of another group of movies whose audience demographic is split down the middle between children and young adults. The only one I can think of is the Pirates of The Caribbean Disney franchise. That however, is after all a group of films about swashbuckling pirates that sail around raping and pillaging. It stars...adult movie stars (whoa let me re-phrase that ...it stars..."adults"). You are not watching two hours of kids in schoolboy outfits flying around.

Am I the only one that finds this all kinda creepy..? I mean if I told you I'd been heading down to the local middle school to watch little boys perform in a play..or play basketball..or compete in debate competitions..you'd probably peg me as a creepy weirdo. I mean unless you have kids in the school you probably shouldn't be hanging around Catholic middle school activities. Just like unless you have kids that like the Harry Potter children's novels...you probably shouldn't be going to see their movies. I'm sorry call me crazy, but I think going to watch a bunch of teenagers in schoolboy outfits do battle with each other seems straight out of a pedophile fetish fantasy search engine. That's just me. I mean if you throw the words..."wizards, spells, magic...schoolboys" together in some combination I'm just gonna assume we're talking about the local Dungeons and Dragons fanatic who lives in his mom's basement watching child porn. (aka my neighbor the single cat owner).

Of course the above paragraph is only really applicable to male Harry Potter fans. While there are a surprising amount of adult dudes that like Harry Potter (generally gays), most of the kiddie wizard fan brigade above the age of 17 are chicks. Of course. I say "of course" because as I've mentioned before chicks love stupid shit. I'm sorry ladies, but lets face it...Twilight, Top 40 radio, Glee...and now Harry Potter. You are responsible for the success of all of these entertainment abominations. It's not so much the fact that chicks like Harry Potter that annoys me so much as how often they openly express their love for this stupid ass franchise. Girls blow up facebook, g-chat, twitter whatever with their stupid ass Harry Potter status updates. They post every new trailer that comes out. They set up countdowns, posting the number of hours until the new Harry Potter installment comes out. They set up group movie dates to go see the new Harry Potter flick (FYI If you're a single dude that gets invited to Harry Potter Friday..you're officially in "The friend zone"). Not in the way normal people decide to go see a movie. No they actually make elaborate plans regarding their viewing experience. They have little Harry Potter pre-parties before going to see the movie. They watch all the previous Harry Potters in a row in the week leading up to that fateful Friday. The whole world must know about it.

Geeky Slutbag #1: Um 72 hours till the Deathly Hollows!!!! Super Psyched :)!!

Dorktastic Twatbox: ZOMG I. CAN'T. WAIT.

Geeky Slutbag #2: Um I'm baking the Pumpkin loaf for tomorrow's Prisoner of Azkaban watch party RIGHT NOW. LOL.

Geeky Slutbag #1: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY. HARRY + your Pumpkin loaf = : ) :)

Jesus christ. Nobody gives a fuck about your love of children's literature and the accompanying big screen adaptations. Shut up. When Rocky Balboa came out my bros and I didn't throw a pizza and keg watch party (dudes are not under any circumstances allowed to bake) for the first five Rocky flicks (which actually would be kinda awesome). Or post on each other's walls: "Brooo! Rocky IV @ my crib tonight I'll supply the booze!!" We just went and saw the fucking movie, knowing that nobody outside our social circle cared to know. Please do the same.

Anyways, as the magazine cover above indicates, the end is near. There are apparently only two Harry Potter flicks left to be released. After that this kiddie wizard fanatic nightmare will be over. Assuming Miss J.K. Rawlings doesn't write any more Goddamn bbooks that can be adapted to the big screen. Which I will personally make sure of. If she even hints at writing another fucking book, I will personally fly across the pond and slap her across the face with a tea kettle and beat her with a broomstick. There will be nothing magical about it.

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