Thursday, November 4, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: RADIOHEAD


If we lived in a perfect world, music would all sound pretty much the same. People would have realized that Rock and Roll peaked in the 70s and 80s and just follow that model for coming up with a kickass sound for their band. Don't mess with a proven formula, just get together and form either a metal, blues or jukebox rock band. Unfortunately just like everything else in life, people are constantly demanding innovation when it comes to music. A fresh, creative new sound that they've never heard before. In principle, innovation is a good thing. I mean who doesn't want to be blown away by hearing something badass that their ears have never experienced before? However, when innovation just means you throw out some weird combination of shitbag noise and call it rock for the sake of being creative, it's definitely a negative. Being "intelligent" and "innovative" is just code for "This music blows" and is most likely the product of this week's Band That Sucks Balls: RADIOHEAD.

I don't care what you and all your intellectual buddies say, Radiohead fucking sucks giant donkey dick. Radiohead is one of those bands that everybody feels like they are supposed to like. If you tell somebody your favorite band is The Beatles or The Rolling Stones, you aren't gonna impress anybody. Oh yeah of course you like The Rolling Stones. I'm sure you own the "40 Licks" greatest hits album and jam out to "Brown Sugar" in your car, and once a year you go to a rock concert wearing your lips logo Stones t-shirt. How original. You are clearly a conformist. Meanwhile, if you tell somebody your favorite band is Radiohead? Holy shit. You are clearly on a higher wavelength than 90% of society. Your conversation with the liberal arts major honey at the party will immediately take off. "OMG I looooove Radiohead! Thom Yorke = genius. Personally I think OK Computer was actually their worst album." Liking Radiohead instantly tabs you as somebody that looks for something deeper and more artsy, when compiling your Itunes music library. It also means you are most likely a douchebag.

Who decided that Radiohead is a great rock band? I'll tell you who. Music critics. Self righteous intellectual hipsters. Hollywood celebs that wanna seem cool and in the know. Get an art history major, Drew Barrymore and the staff of "Spin Magazine" into a room and I bet they could each give you a 3,000 word essay on why Radiohead is amazing. I on the other hand couldn't provide you three words regarding their status as rock deities. Can you point to a Radiohead song that is "good?" Or "enjoyable to listen to?" Well there's "Kaaaarma Poooolice." Jesus Christ. Talk about taking the express train to SuicideTown, USA. Compared to this, Nine Inch Nails might as well be Motown. "Fake Plastic Trees?" Total garbage. "Creep" is pretty much the closest thing to a tolerable Radiohead song because it involves a little hard thrashing guiter and is fun to play on "Rock Band." The hook on "Creep" goes "I'm a creep, I'm a weeeirdo, what the hell am I doing here?..I don't belong." These lyrics are pretty much the most accurate description of Radiohead's place in rock and roll ever written.

Every Radiohead song sounds exactly the same. An acoustic guitar strumming. Maybe a couple slow brooding piano keys. A repetitive drum beat. Within a minute you feel like you're at a candlelight vigil or rape victim rally. Then the singing comes in courtesy of Weirdball McGee, Thom Yorke. Thom Yorke is a total dickhead. Like most frontman of Bands that Suck Balls, he doesn't have a good voice so he doesn't "sing" in the conventional sense. He just..hums...for four minutes. Then occasionally he'll cry out in a high pitch. The crying out is increased during the inevitable climax of any Radiohead song. This is the one minute ending where the band briefly turns up the volume of their depressing jam with some electric guitar or at least some louder piano.

During a Radiohead live performance or music video, the climax is the part where Thom gets to put all the attention on himself by posing in some weird pseudo-crucifixtion stance or dancing around in a circle like a tripping hippie on acid. What a weirdo. First of all, who the fuck spells their name "Thom"..? A fucking douche that's who. Second of all, I don't think anyone could look LESS like a rock frontman. "Right look at me chaps, I'm a ginger that didn't bother to comb my hair this morning. I don't have cool rock facial hair, I just have a three day 5 o'clock shadow." Hey memo to NBC and Chris Hanson: I think there's a predator out there you haven't caught and he is the frontman for Radiohead. Third, I hate your fucking brooding facial expression. Like you're making the effort to say "Ughhh look at me I'm such a deep introspective genius. I'm always sad and brooding." If you are a rock band/singer posing for a picture you can either look arrogant and godly (Zeppelin/Stones), angry (Metallica), badass (GNR), or goofy (Van Halen). AKA nothing like Thom Yorke. Aww you're such a sad tortured genius :(. Here's a gun fucking do me a favor and shoot yourself already.

Anyways since people are constantly starving for creativity and innovation, Radiohead will probably continue to be succesful as long as they churn out their weirdo funeral procession jams. Thom York will continued to be revered as an artistic rock "genius." Just count me out of this group. It's total bullshit that your ability to make weird noise and write the soundtrack to me hanging myself makes you a "genius." Apparently you can't be happy and be considered a musical innovator. Fuck off Radiohead, go be sad and brooding somewhere else. You are definitely a pack of creeps and weirdos that don't belong on my rock radio.

26 comments:

  1. I think u suck more balls than Radiohead. You obviously missed their good songs like "Idioteque," "Jigsaw falling into place" and "Weird fishes." Are you bitter that there are no more good metal bands left, other than Steel Panther...?

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  2. Congrats. I listened to those songs you recommended and now have a greater appreciation fr Karma Police and Fake Plastic Trees. Cus they are SOOO much better than your favorite Radiohead jams. "Idioteque" made me want to hurl my puppy off the balcony while simultaneously kicking a baby stroller 1 min in.

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  3. We can throw glass bottles off your balcony and try to hit baby strollers if you want... I wouldn't mind hearing the difference between what Rocket and a bottle sound like hitting the concrete from 21 floors.

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  4. Fuck Radiohead. Great Blog!

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    1. Fuck! You are dumb! Dumb people can't bear Radiohead. Here see this. http://metro.co.uk/2014/10/26/smart-people-listen-to-radiohead-and-dumb-people-listen-to-beyonce-according-to-study-4922347/

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  5. just for the record... not everyone who likes experimental or 'innovative' music likes radiohead. i'm all about musical exploration. zeppelin did it well in the second half of their career, like on in the light or their folky or funky stuff. radiohead, however, just fucking sucks nuts, with or without their shitty attempts at originality.

    and cool blog! the beatles suck too. have you written about how much animal collective sucks yet? i guarantee you wouldn't like them.

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    1. Yeah, see when Zeppelin did it, they weren't doing it to be cool.

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  6. Radiohead does suck balls. This is frankly the most horribly overrated band in the indie universe and deserves a major kick in the nuts.

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    1. You don't like Radiohead since you guys are dumb. I have seen many bands who have been making the wrong music. Also Radiohead isn't indie. Indie music might be the most overrated genre in music. Those indie bands include mostly hipsters like Arcade Fire and Vampire Weekend. Also the fact that Arcade Fire is labeled as Art Rock is ridiculous because Neon Bible is probably the most overrated album of the last decade. On the other side, Radiohead makes experimental or art rock which would not appeal to dumb people like you. They are making the actual music. Their music are mostly experimental and even composer Steve Reich has praised them. Here see this.
      http://musicthatmakesyoudumb.virgil.gr

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  7. You are most likely a loner who's angry because his favorite bands are either disbanded, crappy hair-metal posers or don't exist anymore because two thirds of the members died from heroin overdose. And why is a rock band frontman obligated to grow a gay curly hair like a fucking woman? There is something wrong with your ideology, seriously. Never ever mix the physical appearance with the musician's ability to create music. Also, you don't know a damn about Radiohead. Anyone can name their 3 most popular songs and eat a bunch of crap about them. Sure, give me the fucking GnR (insanely overrated guitarist and and a singer who's songwriting sucks big time "Take me down to the paradise city....." repeat through the whole "song") and Metallica (4 pissed off dudes with a 5 and a half minutes solo in a 6 minute song)...

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    1. You've evidently never heard a Metallica song, because their solos are shorter than your dick.

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  8. well
    i will say that you make better use of language than most native english speakers.
    i think you could use some happy pills, wanna buy some? ha, just kidding.
    i disagree with your review of radiohead and i'm not some college douchebag or hipster - i hate those faggots. but i'm not gonna try to get you to like the music i like. i respect people's taste and i certainly wouldn't like it if you locked me up and made me listen to motorhead, so.
    anyway. my name's lex. good writing btw, you clearly know how a predicate works and how not to enter into antecedent-pronoun errors. ha, i'm kiddingk that's stuff all pretentious bullshit. er, that stuff's, i meant. too lazy to hit delete and retype it.
    well. good stuff, keep up the good work. rem doesn't suck either but that's neither here nor there as far as this comment goes so.

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  9. Fuck Radiohead, overrated, boring and awful, plus every time I see Thom yorke's face I feel the need to punch him... with an axe, if possible. This entry reflects my thoughts in regards of such an horrible band.

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    1. Lol, you are difinitely going to the hell if you think wrong like this on bands like Radiohead. Click this link.
      http://metro.co.uk/2014/10/26/smart-people-listen-to-radiohead-and-dumb-people-listen-to-beyonce-according-to-study-4922347/

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  10. I agree with the part about the critics but Radiohead couldn't care less about how their music sounds. They just do whatever the fuck they want. And wait, "all of their music sounds the same" ?? Dude...

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    1. Radiohead doesn't care about music critics. Also this blog is just down right ridiculous. Here click this link. This blog writer must be really dumb. http://metro.co.uk/2014/10/26/smart-people-listen-to-radiohead-and-dumb-people-listen-to-beyonce-according-to-study-4922347/

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  11. Replies
    1. That song doesn't even sound like it's in a key.

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  12. Replies
    1. Lol, are you really dumb enough to agree with this authour? See here. Click this link.
      http://metro.co.uk/2014/10/26/smart-people-listen-to-radiohead-and-dumb-people-listen-to-beyonce-according-to-study-4922347/

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  13. Stop replying to everyone who disagrees with your opinion of a band with the same bullshit about how smart people listen to them. I know I'm stupid, I don't need pretentious assholes to ram it into my head every day of my life.

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  14. Yeah, you're completely wrong about Radiohead, you just don't have the patience for them or get them. From somebody that agrees with most of your bands that suck list...Radiohead makes GREAT music...great music that is an acquired taste.

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  15. I 100% agree with this blog's assessment of radiohead. I've searched high and low for a T-Shirt that reads "Radiohead Sucks" but have come up empty handed thus far. Will continue searching.

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