Bands That Suck Balls: RADIOHEAD

If we lived in a perfect world, music would all sound pretty much the same. People would have realized that Rock and Roll peaked in the 70s and 80s and just follow that model for coming up with a kickass sound for their band. Don't mess with a proven formula, just get together and form either a metal, blues or jukebox rock band. Unfortunately just like everything else in life, people are constantly demanding innovation when it comes to music. A fresh, creative new sound that they've never heard before. In principle, innovation is a good thing. I mean who doesn't want to be blown away by hearing something badass that their ears have never experienced before? However, when innovation just means you throw out some weird combination of shitbag noise and call it rock for the sake of being creative, it's definitely a negative. Being "intelligent" and "innovative" is just code for "This music blows" and is most likely the product of this week's Band That Sucks Balls: RADIOHEAD.

I don't care what you and all your intellectual buddies say, Radiohead fucking sucks giant donkey dick. Radiohead is one of those bands that everybody feels like they are supposed to like. If you tell somebody your favorite band is The Beatles or The Rolling Stones, you aren't gonna impress anybody. Oh yeah of course you like The Rolling Stones. I'm sure you own the "40 Licks" greatest hits album and jam out to "Brown Sugar" in your car, and once a year you go to a rock concert wearing your lips logo Stones t-shirt. How original. You are clearly a conformist. Meanwhile, if you tell somebody your favorite band is Radiohead? Holy shit. You are clearly on a higher wavelength than 90% of society. Your conversation with the liberal arts major honey at the party will immediately take off. "OMG I looooove Radiohead! Thom Yorke = genius. Personally I think OK Computer was actually their worst album." Liking Radiohead instantly tabs you as somebody that looks for something deeper and more artsy, when compiling your Itunes music library. It also means you are most likely a douchebag.

Who decided that Radiohead is a great rock band? I'll tell you who. Music critics. Self righteous intellectual hipsters. Hollywood celebs that wanna seem cool and in the know. Get an art history major, Drew Barrymore and the staff of "Spin Magazine" into a room and I bet they could each give you a 3,000 word essay on why Radiohead is amazing. I on the other hand couldn't provide you three words regarding their status as rock deities. Can you point to a Radiohead song that is "good?" Or "enjoyable to listen to?" Well there's "Kaaaarma Poooolice." Jesus Christ. Talk about taking the express train to SuicideTown, USA. Compared to this, Nine Inch Nails might as well be Motown. "Fake Plastic Trees?" Total garbage. "Creep" is pretty much the closest thing to a tolerable Radiohead song because it involves a little hard thrashing guiter and is fun to play on "Rock Band." The hook on "Creep" goes "I'm a creep, I'm a weeeirdo, what the hell am I doing here?..I don't belong." These lyrics are pretty much the most accurate description of Radiohead's place in rock and roll ever written.

Every Radiohead song sounds exactly the same. An acoustic guitar strumming. Maybe a couple slow brooding piano keys. A repetitive drum beat. Within a minute you feel like you're at a candlelight vigil or rape victim rally. Then the singing comes in courtesy of Weirdball McGee, Thom Yorke. Thom Yorke is a total dickhead. Like most frontman of Bands that Suck Balls, he doesn't have a good voice so he doesn't "sing" in the conventional sense. He just..hums...for four minutes. Then occasionally he'll cry out in a high pitch. The crying out is increased during the inevitable climax of any Radiohead song. This is the one minute ending where the band briefly turns up the volume of their depressing jam with some electric guitar or at least some louder piano.

During a Radiohead live performance or music video, the climax is the part where Thom gets to put all the attention on himself by posing in some weird pseudo-crucifixtion stance or dancing around in a circle like a tripping hippie on acid. What a weirdo. First of all, who the fuck spells their name "Thom"..? A fucking douche that's who. Second of all, I don't think anyone could look LESS like a rock frontman. "Right look at me chaps, I'm a ginger that didn't bother to comb my hair this morning. I don't have cool rock facial hair, I just have a three day 5 o'clock shadow." Hey memo to NBC and Chris Hanson: I think there's a predator out there you haven't caught and he is the frontman for Radiohead. Third, I hate your fucking brooding facial expression. Like you're making the effort to say "Ughhh look at me I'm such a deep introspective genius. I'm always sad and brooding." If you are a rock band/singer posing for a picture you can either look arrogant and godly (Zeppelin/Stones), angry (Metallica), badass (GNR), or goofy (Van Halen). AKA nothing like Thom Yorke. Aww you're such a sad tortured genius :(. Here's a gun fucking do me a favor and shoot yourself already.

Anyways since people are constantly starving for creativity and innovation, Radiohead will probably continue to be succesful as long as they churn out their weirdo funeral procession jams. Thom York will continued to be revered as an artistic rock "genius." Just count me out of this group. It's total bullshit that your ability to make weird noise and write the soundtrack to me hanging myself makes you a "genius." Apparently you can't be happy and be considered a musical innovator. Fuck off Radiohead, go be sad and brooding somewhere else. You are definitely a pack of creeps and weirdos that don't belong on my rock radio.