Social Network DoucheBaggery Vol. 12

Well it's mid-December which means most of you are likely getting your end of the year break from whatever you do to occupy your time. Maybe you're HALFWAY DONE WITH LAW SCHOOL!! YAAAAAAYYY!! :). Maybe you're taking a holiday break from your uber important entry level position and accompanying RIDIC workload. Regardless, with your newfound free time you will undoubtedly have more time than ever to surf the social network scene and update the world on every mundane detail of your daily existence. So today I'm going to preemptively address all the general Facebook/G-Chat status/comment dipshitness that I will soon encounter on my newsfeed. Having already addressed the different classifications of shitbag people that I take note of on Facebook, I will now be addressing the specifically retarded social networking behavior that gives me the urge to roundhouse kick infants. Without further ado I give you your end of year list of Social Network douchebaggery that pisses me off.

1. LOL people

One of the first signs you're old is when you start to hate modern slang. Amongst the jive talk kids use these days, "LOL" is one of the ones that really grinds my gears. Let me start by saying that my friends and I are fucking hilarious. You may not realize it because you're boring or were born without a sense of humor, but everything we say is utterly hysterical and worth a hearty chuckle. That being said, we don't use the term "LOL" everytime something moderately humorous is said. Or everytime we note something amusing in our daily routine. Or everytime anything somewhat strange occurs. We're not jackoffs. This is not however, true of most of you dipshits out there on the interwebs.

Look it's ok to use "lol" every once in a while. Or once a day if you're a girl. Sometimes people say things that make us guffaw out loud and spit out our coffee. Not ALL THE FUCKING TIME though. Everytime you agree with somebody's status on Facebook you don't need to comment with an LOL!! There's now way you were laughing at an audible volume at some cunt's moderately amusing observation about your kooky criminal law professor. Now there are even people that apparently laugh out loud to themselves and post a status about it. "I guess all this time away from home has made me unable to cook anymore lol." That observation about your missteps in the kitchen was not worth a hearty laugh. Maybe if you actually had an appreciation for things that are legitimately funny you wouldn't be laughing audibly at so many curious daily occurences you stupid twat.

2. !!!!!!!!

In continuing with the theme of exaggerated reactions, at some point people decided they couldn't show their approval of something on the web without yelling it. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY!! HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!" Shut the fuck up. You have not talked to "Jenny" all fucking year other than a casual hello in the hallway once in March. You are not that excited about her birthday, and could in fact give less than two shits about how her day pans out. Of course the internet allows us to hide how we really feel about people, so why not be fake and exaggerate how much joy you feel for your common acquaintance's birthday? One that you would never remember without that handy Facebook reminder in the upper right corner of your screen. If people make a sarcastic or ironic comment about something, they also feel the need to use exclamation points to emphasize the fact that they are being facetious.

Twatbox 1: Having the best Friday evening with my two favorite people in the world :)

Whore Friend: That's not possible!! I'm not there with you!! LOL!! (Twatbox 1 "likes" this)

Jesus Christ. Have you ever heard of deadpan humor? You know...saying something funny without alerting the world you're trying to be witty? It's a lost art form, you should try it sometime.

3. (717): I did something moderately abnormal while intoxicated.

Since people long ago lost the ability to be clever and witty on their own, they had to resort to quoting other people to provide humor to their 7,743 "friends" on Facebook. Generally this was done by posting unfunny comments that their friends made during an average g-chat convo. Sometimes however, the whole day has passed and you and your shitbag friends have not discussed anything remotely funny. So what do you do to provide your hilarious post of the day to your social network. Texts From Last Night. TFLN came out and at first it was a hilarious concept. Everybody gets drunk and sends funny texts, or sends funny texts the morning after entailing what disastrous situation they'd awoken to. So these TFLN entries were a funny time wasting site at work/school. Then of course you assholes ruined it by posting a different TFLN entry as your status EVERY day. Ok we get it, this is totally you and your bro/whore trainwreck friends. LOL. Enough. TFLN also started to get less funny, with more entries describing pretty standard occurences, which of course didn't stop you asshats from posting them.

(717): So I just bought wine at 3 pm on a Tuesday in sweatpants and a Cubs jersey.

(540): You came home, made Easy Mac and fell asleep on the couch with the bowl in your lap.

CRAAAAAAZY!!! These are clearly chapters straight out of Motley Crue's life on the road book. Next you'll post that hilarious text re: the time you guys woke up...with a hangover..and couldn't find one of your shoes..LMAO!!

4. Dear Retard, Nobody fucking cares. Signed everyone.

People on facebook of course love to tell people about the horrendous obstacles they face at work, school or on public transportation each day. Simply telling people about your miserable experience (or idk..just telling your 2 BFFs that care..) is not the way Facebook fucktards roll though. Nobody wants to just post a status that reads "Today I had a tough day at work." That's not clever at all. Instead people write fucking hypothetical letters to people they have issues with, or often times to inanimate objects.

"Dear Partner, I need to get out of here by 6 to make my dinner reservation so if you could stop wasting time and finalize this brief so I can fle it and get the eff out of here that'd be great. Kthanks."

"Dear Houston weather, I don't appreciate you deciding to drop an impromptu thunderstorm on me AFTER I already came to work without my umbrella. Signed, Jason."

Dear dickhead,

If you have a problem with your boss wasting time on a project or your professor keeping you longer than usual in class, tell them in person. I'm sure they would be fucking thrilled to hear what you think. Or you could make the smart decision and keep your opinion to yourself and not share it to the world. And the weather is not gonna change to your convenience because of a letter you write unless you have God's address. So please shut your trap. Nobody cares.

Signed, The Lawn.

5. Just a rhetorical question for the masses. Talk amongst yourselves.

Another group of complete and utter cock gobblers whose existence I cure on a daily basis. Fucking rhetorical question people. These people like to attract attention to themselves on the ol' Fbook by posting some sort of idiotic rhetorical question to either start a comment thread discussion or a bunch of "likes" validating their shitbag opinion. These can either be news-related or regarding another one of the horrors they faced during their miserable day.

"Am I the only one who thinks Republicans just approved the worst tax plan ever?" (Huffington Post article attached).

"Is it me or does the subway only break down on Friday afternoons...?"

Yes it's only you. Why not send an e-mail to your closest liberal friends discussing the latest Senate goings on? Or text one of your fellow metro train riders who can relate to your experience? I'm sure they will be willing to either validate your opinion or tell you you're all alone on this one. The rest of us, give less than a fuck.

6. Emotional Soapbox

I have no problem with people bringing attention to a good cause. Post a "Race for the cure" link. Support cancer awareness. Say you're taking donations at a certain street corner Saturday. Whatever. Fine. Don't however, fucking write a rant about "a cause close to your heart." Or something that "is really disheartening." I don't need two paragraphs describing the debilitating disease you're trying to raise money to fight. You don't need to provide an essay about how many people are homeless in this country. I remember when the Ellen "It gets better" campaign came out about kids getting bullied. Yeah ok that's sad. Simply post the link and say "This is powerful." Instead people wrote a rambling rant (much like this one) about how disheartening and tragic bullying is and how everyone NEEDS to watch this clip or they're a horrible person. Shut up. Oh you watched a fucking episode of the Ellen DeGeneres show and grew a conscience. Im sure you were SOOO concerned about these tragic occurences last week. Stop trying to pull at my heart strings via Facebook, I'm perfectly content being a selfish immoral Scrooge who doesn't care about other people's misfortunes.

7. @ O'Malley's Pub and Grill

There is apparently this new feature on Facebook called "Four Square" where people can constantly update the world on where they are with a click on their blackberry. I'm not even gonna dignify this ridiculous trend with a paragraph. If you're telling the world where you are at all times, nobody in the world was interested enough to ask. Fuck off.

8. FML

Jesus Christ, these people need to have their nuts laid on a dresser and beaten with a spiked bat by Method Man. For those of you who have been living under a rock, or simply don't subscribe to kids and their stupid modern jargon, FML means "Fuck My Life." It's a quick way of saying that something that happened to you made you realize that you live a miserable existence. Of course, nobody uses the term FML in a proper context. If you're gonna say "FML" something horrific better have taken place. Like "My grandmother passed away one day before I got home to see her. FML" Or even to a lesser extent: "I was driving to my court hearing and got in a car accident. FML" If you however encounter a minor inconvenience, or have to deal with some sort of small criticism this is not FML worthy.

"I went to buy wine at the store and the clerk didn't even ID me. Guess law school has really aged me. FML"

"Staying late at work on the night of my best friend's birthday. FML."

BOO FUCKING HOO. Oh my god you don't get ID'd for booze anymore. What a fucking tragedy. Your youth has officially passed you by!!! :( Your job is making you work this evening rather than letting you go take SoCo and lime shots with your bestie? NO FUCKING WAY. What a crime against humanity!!! I thought those malnourished children in Ethiopia had fucked lives, but no you have a far more horrendous existence. Fuck YOUR life. If this is the only complaint you have about your life, you have got it pretty sweet. So please spare us the everyday FML commentary. Or take the term FML more literally and fucking kill yourself already. I'll provide the gun!! LOL. :)

New pictures added to the album: "We Drank Beer at a Bar Again"

This past weekend was Halloween which means of course come Monday there were a billion new photo albums up on facebook documenting how much fun everybody I knew had over the weekend playing dress-up. I guess Halloween is a reasonable occasion to document with a few snapshots. After all you only get to dress like a clever pop culture reference or whore in knee high socks once a year. You're allowed a couple cute photo memories of the event. For the most part however, the same people who posted pictures of Hallow's Eve weekend...make photo albums for..EVERY weekend. Their entire mundane life needs to be documented with a snapshot for every moment. These Facebook picture people fucking piss me off.

Do you remember back before photo albums could be "uploaded" onto your computer? Back when pictures had to kept and bound in a thick, heavy book? Well your mom does. Back in those days, unless you had a living room the size of the local library, there were only so many family photo albums you could keep on your shelves. So pictures and the albums they would eventually fill were saved only for certain occasions. You know..a unique and special event. Christmas. Birthdays. Bringing home the family puppy. You know..something actually SPECIAL and worth documenting. They didn't make a photo album for the weekly Thursday night out at Applebees. Those were the days. Then the internet, digital cameras, mobile uploading and Facebook came along. You could now conceivably record every moment of your life and share it with the world. Show everyone how much fun you're having on a weekly basis. Even if nobody could give a damn about your shitty insignificant existence, you now had the chance to force people to see what a blast you and your loser friends had at happy hour.

I've addressed you party picture people briefly before in facebook/status message posts but you really deserved your own personal rant. On my list of people that need to be put on the fast track to death by legal injection it pretty much goes child molesters, Al Quaeda, then YOU. Do you have to put up 77 new pictures of your fun escapades EVERY...FUCKING..WEEK? That many pictures is totally fine if they make up the album "Summer 2010." Over the course of a season, or a semester I can see you experiencing 50+ moments you wanted to remember. Not one normal evening out on the town though. Oh look you went to a bar. Oh look here's a pic of you guys sitting at the bar. Oh look here's a pic of you guys sitting at the bar looking sad because the tap was being changed. Oh here's a pic of that tray of fruity shots you guys ordered. SO INTRIGUING! I can't waaaait to click forward to the next frame of your unique Friday adventure!

These stupid cuntbags also feel the need to label EVERY picture with a funny caption. "This is right after Brooke put her life savings in the jukebox" is the label for the picture of Brooke and her twatbox friend posing by the jukebox with silly facial expressions. ZOMG!! YOU WENT TO A BAR AND PLAYED SONGS ON A JUKEBOX!! Clearly this is the first time you have experienced such an amazing moment and you needed to document it. "This is where things got out of hand..." is written under the picture of kamikaze shots. Clearly nothing got out of hand you fucking liar. I know this because you were still able to take 43 more pictures of you and your entourage of fellow assclowns being completely average and boring at a bar on Friday night.

Do you ever wonder if your parents partied back when they were still free-spirited youngsters in their 20s? You know back before they did society a horrible disservice by bringing you into this world. Well they did. They cruised around in their rad thunderbirds or camaros bouncing from club to club. They got shithoused at pool parties. They..you know...enjoyed life. Have you seen many pictures of your folks during their days as wild and crazy dudes? No. You know why there were no pictures taken of your mom's super fun friday nights? She was too busy doing blow with your dad and grinding to "KC and the Sunshine band" to take a snapshot. Too busy actually having a good time. Have you ever seen pictures of old rock bands partying? They're never actually facing the camera. They're too busy doing something rad like chugging a bottle of Jack or groping a groupie. Not standing in a line posing with their Miller Lites like you pack of toolboxes. If Keith Richards was put in charge of a camera and a facebook account in the 70s, every week there would be a new photo album entitled "random pictures of the floor and various objects I knocked over."

Since you have friends that may be bigger losers than you that comment "cuuuute!!" or "Love this pic!!! :)" on all of your dull, unexciting photos, I don't expect this ridiculous behavior to stop. So I'll just go ahead and delete you from my newsfeed. Or just...NOT look at your stupid pictures. Because I've seen them before and they're fucking boring. I don't need to be reminded of how much a loser you are every Monday morning. Take your digital camera and shove it up your ass. Maybe I should upload a pic of me taking a dump into a photo album and tag you in it, because that activity is actually far more interesting than anything you participated in last weekend.

Facebook People: LAME

For the record, I am on Facebook. In theory, Facebook is a pretty cool concept. You can stay in touch with friends and family. You can post pictures of your vacations. You set up group party invites. Whatever. These are all perfectly good reasons that Facebook should exist.

Then as is the case with anything cool, a collection of douchebags ruined all the fun. People started using Facebook as a tool to validate their otherwise sad existence, and telling you EVERYTHING that was on their mind. Facebook People need the world to know every time they have a gripe, discover something interesting, or feel an emotion. There are so many of these clowns that unfortunately escaped being aborted, that they actually need to be organized by classification. With that being said I give you the master list of “Facebook People”

“Please add me” Guy:
First of all, people started “adding you as a friend” on Facebook within 30 seconds of meeting you. “Jason Conway added you as a friend on Facebook.” Who the fuck is Jason Conway? Oh yeah that one bro we played beer pong against at that one random house party we went to last night. He dates Sarah who is your friend Jenny’s old college roommate. Uh ok…I guess I will confirm (MISTAKE). This Asshat has approximately 2,732 friends on Facebook, and about 7 of them enjoy his company. He will “friend” you immediately after you came into contact with him. Then he will invite you to his birthday party a day later. This guy has serious self esteem issues and needs to add as many people to his “Friends” as possible in the hope that in playing the percentages 1 in 300 of these people will actually grow to like him.

Song Lyrics Girl:
Jessica Crayton: “I see your picture, I smell your skin..on the empty pillow next to mine..” Jessica is going through a tough breakup. She and her boyfriend are taking a break. She doesn’t want to come right out and tell this to the world, so instead she has chosen to express her emotions via deep song lyrics. And by “deep” I mean some lame ass lyric from a shitty Incubus song. When Jessica and her man get back together she will post some more upbeat poetry courtesy of Taylor Swift. Keep your mixtape from hell to yourself Jessica.

I Know Politics Guy:
Nick Patterson: “Welcome to Socialism America!!” I don’t care whether you are a Liberal or Conservative as long as I don’t have to hear about your fucking warped views on politics. This guy is here to notify you that either the apocalypse is upon us or we should party like its 1999 because a bill was passed. He watches the Daily Show from time to time and twice a week he will listen to a political radio show. HE KNOWS THE ISSUES!! He was just tagged in the photo album “Cancun Debauchery 2K10 ,” so we should definitely take his views on the medicare bill seriously.

Bro/Party girl:
This is the Tard tagged 37 times in the aforementioned photo album “Cancun Debauchery 2K10.” Unlike Nick Patterson they have no interest in politics since their pictures on the web ensure no future in that area. They are ALWAYS partying. Every week they post 800 pictures to show how much fun they’re having. Oh sweet this picture of you dancing in a club on Sat Night with a bottle of Grey Goose in hand is significantly different from last week’s pics of you dancing on a boat with a bottle of Grey Goose. When I go out partying I do not post pictures of it. Do you know why? Because I am too busy ACTUALLY PARTYING.

Puppy/Baby picture guy:
Having a child is a big deal. So is getting a puppy for that matter. That doesn’t mean I need to see 8192992 pics/video clips of your child/pet on the internet dressed up in various cute poses. Your dog hates that funny hat you put on him. If you are married and have kids you shouldn’t be on Facebook anyways. You get to see pics of me with an Irish car bomb spilled on my shirt, while I get to see 8 month Katerina in a stroller? Not a fair exchange. That clip you posted of her dancing to Beyonce is adorable and I hope you know she is gonna be a stripper now.

“I’m soooo busy”:
This Twatbox is currently enrolled in some institution of higher learning, getting a law degree or studying to be your son’s incompetent school counselor. Regardless, they are ALWAYS busy. You can’t possibly comprehend HOW..MUCH…WORK..they have. Just know that it’s a lot. This person believes they are the first person in the history of the planet to stay up late writing a paper, or spend a Saturday evening in the library. They are just praying that somebody comments on their status (We’ll get to that tool later).

“Is it 5:30 yet?” guy:
A variation on the above species of Facebook douche is “Is it 5:30 yet” guy who is so overwhelmed at work that he only has time to subtly tell you that he can’t wait for the day to end. “Is it 530 yet guy” also LIVES for Happy Hour. Often “Is it 5:30 guy” will post a status about how he “Neeeeeeeds a drink” and asks the question “Is it bad that it’s 230 and I’m already thinking about the bar..?” Once his hectic day finally comes to an end this busy guy will rush over to the closest watering hole with his buddies to satisfy his manic alcoholic tendencies by drinking an insane 2-3 Miller Lites in one sitting at a moderate pace.

Status Commenter Guy:
Seriously this guy deserves to be locked in a Bonnaroo Port a Potty, set on fire, and hurled down a mountain into the ocean. He is the worst of all the Facebook people because he validates the Douchebaggery of all the people listed above. He saw Jessica’s song lyrics and wants to know “Are you ok?” because he is still under the delusion she will hook up with him someday (SPOILER ALERT: She never will). He agrees or disagrees with Nick’s politics. He saw your new pictures and thought they were “CUTE!!.” He “likes” your passive aggressive rant about the horrors of writing a final paper, and wants you to know that he ALSO is dying for the clock to hit 5:30 so he can grab a Miller Lite with you. He is on Facebook like flies on Dookie 24/7. Get a fucking life dude.

So there you have it, the 8 major classifications of Facebook douches. I’m sure there are groups of people I forgot about but they are probably not even worth an entry. None of the above listed people are EVER welcome on my lawn.