Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

With April almost over, Spring is officially in bloom with college coeds having returned from getting STDs at tropical vacation spots and the MLB season in full swing. Unfortunately this time frame also marks the start of the yearly phenomenon known as festival season. Once the weather gets nice random cities across the country big and small start hosting their annual gatherings of bands that suck balls. Now when you think of festivals, you often think of some hippie fest where a bunch of white kids with dreads eat mushrooms and dance in circles to String Cheese Incident. Note to my stoner buddies: these gatherings don't really bother me that much. I mean M.O.E. will play All Good 25 yrs in a row before I am ever forced to actually hear their music in society. No the festivals I'm referring to are the mass hipster festivals where the trendiest of the trendy bands headline, and up and coming noise-rock shitbags go to stake their claim to douche rock stardom. Hipster grad students without real jobs somehow spend hundreds of dollars to jetset across the country and buy tix to as many of these fests as possible. Not to enjoy the main band that is "Sooo last year's Outside Lands" as much as to name drop the newest band just getting on the scene that they saw play some craptastic set. Like this year's breakout group at the recent Coachella festival and Band That Sucks Balls: The Pains of Being Pure at Heart.

It seriously just pained me to type out the name of this collection of asstards. I mean I thought we had pretty much hit the Mt. Everest of lame nonsensical hipster band names with "Death Cab for Cutie," but boy was I sorely mistaken. "The Pains of Being Pure at Heart"..? WHAT? I mean if you gave me a choice between "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" and "The Pains of Being Pure at Heart" and asked "which one is a rock band and which one is a Sandra Bullock/Ashley Judd gal pal flick," I'd just flip a coin. Ridiculously horrible name. Their appearance of course lives up to the standard set by their lame moniker. A key ingredient in any hipster band is of course a chick with bangs, and ugly chick, or an Asian girl. Well lookie here! We've got ourselves and ugly Asian chick..with bangs! PERFECT! Also should probably have a guy with a haircut a chimpanzee could give someone: See guy on the left with his douche combover and spaghetti strap suspenders holding up his skinny jeans. Then of course comes the douche band wardrobe essential: the sweater. Well we've obviously got Mr. Rogers over here second from left in his Rad red Cardigan sweater and picnic table shirt, and the band leader far right rocking his V-neck/pink shirt looking solemnly at the camera with the standard neutral expression all lame bands use during group shots. Lets take a listen as to what audio excrement these assfucks shit out and purport to be rock:

Ok even though these guys blow donkey balls on all levels, the first question that comes to mind. What in the fuck happened to the rock singer? I mean I'm not expecting Robert Plant to front every band out there, but seriously give me something outta your voice that sounds like you've grown a pube this century. What the shit is this asshole doing? Some sort of sad, whiney whispering in a nasally tone. That is not singing by any standard. "Whimpering puppy in a kennel" is not a vocal style. Of course since the frontman can't hold down vocals by himself, his female counterpart assists in harmonizing the whining on the hook. Good, at least Margaret Cho does something worthwhile besides tapping two keys on her casio keyboard once every two minutes.

The guitar attack can as usual be described in one word: Strumtastic. Just lots of repetitive strumming of three chords, followed by slightly louder strumming of three chords, and then the grand finale...Loudest strumming of three chords. Sweeeet.. I don't even know what to tell you by the bassist. I mean..did you watch that second clip? He literally contributed NOTHING to the performance other than a cardigan sweater. He just fucking stands there looking glum..holding..his bass, until the great strum-off to close out this pansy jam about finding the heart in heartbreak. I will say that the drummer is not bad, but his backbeat and solid fills can't drown out the ocean of super lameness in front of him. Go back to Williamsburg (Yes of course they're from Brooklyn) and open up a fucking bike shop you pack of assclowns. I don't want to hear your breezy emotional strum rock, anymore than I want to listen to Charles Barkley recite the Gettysburg Address. Your band accomplishes nothing other than being pure pain to my goddamn eardrums. Take that to heart cocktasters.

Anyways, what else really needs to said about these shitheads above? I will now move on to more positive news and say that since I don't support music like the aforementioned Pure Pains of my Sandy Vagina, I spent Coachella weekend in NYC seeing an actual rock show courtesy of up and coming rad band Taddy Porter. I've mentioned them before and they're good on record, but they absolutely ROCK COCK live. If you have a chance to check them out in your city you definitely should(most likely at some small venue since..duh...they don't play shitty electro fuzz strum noise...can't fill an arena). They are a badass band and if you show enough enthusiasm in preserving the spirit of rock and roll by getting buck wild in the crowd, they will even pound beers and shoot the shit with you post Rad show. So check them out:!/taddyportermusic?sk=info

Monday, April 25, 2011

I wanna ride a damn triceratops already.

Sorry I've been MIA on the blogosphere for over a week now. It was wishful thinking that I would return from my Rad weekend in NYC and immediately be able to motivate myself to start writing semi-coherent rant posts again immediately. Clearly needed a little bit of detox/brain recovery time to get back in the swing. Anyways, this weekend I was sitting around flipping through the tube and stumbled upon Jurassic Park. I hadn't watched this classic Rad flick and forever and was reminded how it is a futuristic popcorn flick that is still as awesome today as when it was released. That's because dinosaurs no longer how old you get are always fucking Rad as shit. There are certain things as a dude that you were allowed to be nerdy about growing up and along with NFL stats, and obscure songs in Led Zeppelin's catalog, dinosaurs is one of them. Every guy fucking loved dinosaurs when they were kids and still appreciates them today. I mean really if you don't appreciate giant pre-historic monster creatures eating each other alive, you are not a man in my book. Anyways, this got me to thinking. Jurassic Park came out almost 20 years ago (1993). Yet today....with all the "scientific breakthroughs" we see every year...we still have not reconstructed dinosaurs. So I ask you..WTF is the holdup?

It's absolutely mind boggling that scientists have not come up with a way to reconstruct dinosaurs yet. I mean seriously how fucking hard is it? It's all laid out in Jurassic park. Get some like preserved mosquitos that used to live off dino blood back in the cretaceous period. Extract dino DNA. Put it in some eggs, refridgerate eggs. Hatch dinosaurs. Boom. Donzo. This is not rocket science people. I mean I'm sure it's not quite THAT simple and might take more than a 6th grade science kit with a couple petri dishes to accomplish it, but still there's no way it can be too difficult. Lets just say I'm sure that five Asian bio-chem majors from Harvard can figure out a way to make this happen extracting DNA and mixing together fossilized molecules and shit. I'm convinced that this just isn't a high priority on the "brilliant scientific research" docket. You're telling me cloning sheep is somehow possible and we can't re-create velociraptors? Yeah right. Clearly scientists just think that recreating dinosaurs is some sort of pointless endeavor that contributes nothing to society. Well I'm here to tell you that those assholes are wrong and that dinosaurs would greatly enhance our lives.

How would a real life Jurassic Park enhance our lives? Um hello. That would be the most popular animal attraction in history. Instant stunting of our economy. Do you know how many people go to the zoo every year? Or to aquariums? Or fucking "Sea World" to watch dolphins bounce beach balls off their noses and catch fish while doing backflips? BILLIONS. All of these aforementioned animal attractions are Snoozeville, USA compared to the potential of a Rad dinosaur park. Every person in the country would pay $100 to go to a dino park over any other animal park. Have you been to the zoo lately? SO BOWWWRING. I don't care what you say, no guy really enjoys going to the zoo. It's a cute date event for like walking around while a chick "oohs" and "ahhs" over all the cute animals. Lets be real though...once you've seen one baby panda you've seen them all. "Awwww did you the new pictures of Chin Li the panda?? :)" Yeah..he looks exactly the same as Min Cho the baby panda from last year. The aquarium? "Well we saw the shark exhibit...that was 10 minutes well spent, time to go home." I mean who the hell really wants to look at Manatees floating around? Sea World is awesome too. "oh cool the same giant fucking whale in a massive pool I've seen for the last 30 yrs splashing the crowd." I saw Shamu 1, I'm pretty sure Shamu 7 doesn't do any tricks significantly different from his mom I saw perform in 1988.

Basically every dinosaur is a completely rad version of a boring modern animal. "Oh look a giraffe. He has a long neck and can eat leaves off a tree standing up." Big fucking deal. You want to look at a Rad giraffe? Bring me a brontosaurus. You know, a giraffe that is the size of a building, weighs 5000 pounds and can actually stomp you like a fly with one foot. Rhinos are pretty cool. Almost as cool as a triceratops which is basically a 30 ft rhino with the mouth of a snapping turtle. The bird exhibit is pretty cool at the zoo. Almost as cool as seeing giant bat-bird-lizard hybrids known as muthatfuckin' pterodactyls zooming across the sky. Most Rad dinosaurs aren't even comparable to any modern species of animal roaming your zoo exhibits. How do you describe a velociraptor? It's like a ground falcon with cheetah speed that mauls it's prey in pack attacks like a school of piranhas. How fucking rad would it be to watch a herd of antelope set free amongst like 4 raptors and see how long it takes them to rip the African Safari Bambis to shreds? I could not be drunk enough to enjoy that entertainment. A T-Rex?? Forget about it. That'd be kinda like going to see a giant elephant exhibit where the giant elephants had teeth like machetes, roared at an insane decibel rate and chomped on other living animals in one bite, instead of munched on peanuts.

In the end we have no hope for the recreation of these Rad monsters of prehistoric times unless scientists start getting their shit together, and stop wasting time looking for other "scientific breakthroughs." Look, nobody has cured a disease since polio. If you get cancer you're fucking dead. If you get the HIV virus you're fucking dead (unless you have access to Magic Johnson's secret stash of hidden AIDs medicine). If you get the common cold chug some fuckin Tussin'. We are wasting our time on these hopeless causes, when we could be extracting T-Rex DNA from preserved mosquitos and hatching velociraptor eggs. So lets get on it scientists. Enough with these lame research endeavors, make me some dinosaurs. I've only been waiting 18 years to ride a triceratops you assholes.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Taking a Bite outta the Big Apple

This is usually the time of the week where I write long angry ranting posts about shitty bands that totally suck balls which are hilarious to half of you, and inspire bitter hatred from the other half of you. This week however, I had to pack up for my Rad trip to The Big Apple. Don't worry I am not going to New York City to murder hipsters, and set fire to indie rock venes in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (unless the opportunity presents itself). Rather I am going up there for a weekend of totally rad activities like going to Yankee Stadium, going to a real rock show with rad bands Taddy Porter and Jonathan Tyler, and general debauchery in the city that never sleeps. Hopefully my Rad vacation will present me with a whole litany of awesome or douchey things to rant about on the internets when I return. Anyways, so long story short I'll be back next week to make fun of some group of dickheads with a nonsensical long name, that dress like assholes, and play a made up genre of music. Until then feel free to sort through the archives and complain about bands I've made fun of before that you have an irrational passion for, or actually enjoy the mockery. In the meantime I'll be uptown baby, getting down baby. Enjoy your weekend bitches.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Juuuust...a Bit Outside

April has arrived, which means spring is officially upon us. That time of the year when the weather gets warmer, flowers bloom, young love springs eternal, and douchebags start to post Facebook status' about their struggles with seasonal allergies. Most importantly it's that special time when baseball, America's official pastime returns to our lives. Now of course in recent years many people (myself included) have questioned whether baseball is still worthy of this lofty title. After all, football is easily the most popular sport in America, with the NFL being the league that garners the big-time TV ratings and rakes in the highest profits each year. Basketball is the sport with the most recognizable superstar athlete in the country in Lebron James. Even Nascar has surpassed baseball in popularity due to its enormous fanbase of poor and stupid rednecks who think Obama's totally gay. Despite all this, I still think baseball deserves its due, and should always be given equal if not equal standing in the discussion of professional sports in the US of A. Especially now as we face the very real possibility of life without the NFL (reason: one group of rich assholes can't agree with another group of rich assholes over who should have more hundred dollar bills to wipe their asses with). As the NFL lockout drags on, I think it's time that America once again attempt to embrace its once undisputed national pastime. I give you now, my top reasons baseball is totally fucking Rad.

1. Take me out to the ballgame

It is easier to attend a baseball game than it is to attend any other pro sporting event. First of all, baseball is easily the cheapest ticket in professional sports. Look we're going through a recession, people are fucking poor, and we all know that no matter what sporting event we attend, we'll be forced to purchase overpriced $8-$10 pints of beer. We know we're gonna have to pay out the ass for parking at the stadium unless we want to take the subway 12 stops to get there. So the actual ticket better be cheap as shit, to soften the blow of all the other coin we're spending to check out this game. Baseball tickets can be acquired for as little as $5 a pop, and decent seats can be acquired for no more than $25. This is totally a bargain compared to all the other major professional sports. This is of course due to the fact that the baseball regular season is far longer than that of the NFL, NHL, and NBA (Nascar seems to never fucking end so we'll overlook that one), and they play everyday. Which brings us to baseball's other perk. You can chooose to attend a game whenever it's convenient for you, anytime during the week. You don't have to pick one of only eight sundays. You don't have to choose a random weeknight to stay out late in the city. There are both day and night games, on weekdays and weekends, exh day for six consecutive months. Depending on what best fits your personal schedule, you can always find a way to attend a couple baseball games a year.

2. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack

Out of all the professional sports in this country, baseball is by far the one that is most enhanced by the live viewing experience. No other sports's stadium atmosphere can compete with the overall Rad appeal of attending an MLB game at the ballpark. There is just something about walking into a baseball game that is just an overload of America all over your ass. (BTW baseball...only sport played on our nation's birthday). First of all, most baseball stadiums are outdoor venues and the sport is played during the spring/summer/early fall. You're not packed in some stuffy indoor arena, or some open air stadium in frigid temperatures with rain or snow pouring down upon you. The aforementioned fresh air is filled of course with the smell of Rad ballpark food. Every baseball stadium has a full menu of awesome eats, that are meant to represent the unique artery clogging cuisine your team's home region has to offer. Hot dogs in NY, Bratwursts in Chicago, BBQ in Texas etc. Along with circus style snack food like cotton candy, peanuts, popcorn, and cracker jack. Oh and btw you get to see fireworks before, after, and during the game while hearing three different national "anthems" sung by a firefighter. Rad.

As for the actual game atmosphere baseball finds a perfect balance in accomodating both the psychotic sports fan, and the casual observer. No matter what you're in the mood for as a fan, baseball can fit your needs. If you want to sit in the family section with your kids, enjoying a casual day at the ballpark of keeping score, munching on snacks, and politely cheering when the home team scores, that's cool. If you want to hang with your date in the quiet section, explaining the nuances of the game, and chill on a couple beers and and share a plate of nachos..also kosher. If you want to go to the game with your bros, sneak a pint of whiskey stuffed down your pants into the game, get blackout wasted and yell profanities..well there's a section for you too. Baseball is the best sport for Rad heckling, because it's the only sport where the action is quiet enough (and close enough) for the players on the field to hear your clever taunts. So once you find that designated area of the stadium in the outfield, free of families and cute couples, and loaded with other assholes like yourself, it's open season on the visiting squad. Feel free to let your voice be heard loud and clear as you tell the opposing centerfielder that his wife is a dirty skank, and that he takes it in the butt from the team's shortstop.

3. It's the official sport of Average Joes and Rad Dudes

A friend of mine often says about baseball, "It must be fun watching a sport where you don't really have to be an athlete to play the game." Actually this is one of the factors that makes baseball so appealing to your average American sports fanatic. Have you seen Lebron James play recently? The guy is like a mack truck with track speed and the ability to jump over cars. At the age of 8 that guy had already surpasssed my athletic prime. Looked at Terrell Owens lately? I think T.O. runs five miles and bench presses a car 50 times before I wake up on most Saturdays. Think your average American sports fan, after working 8 hours at his blue collar job, having a couple of beers with his buddies at the watering hole, and sitting down in front of the tube with his three slices of leftover Dominos can relate to these guys? Hell no. The only professional sport where Joe McShay the construction worker can see anything resembling his mirror image out on the playing field is baseball.

Baseball is the official sport of Average Joes and Rad dudes. Ever wonder why EVERY kid played little league baseball? Even the most hopeless child with no physical talent to speak of can find a place on a little league squad. Oh you're fat? We'll put you at first base, just lean and stick your glove out once an inning. Oh you're unccordinated? Well we'll just put you in right field where you'll never have to catch a pop fly or throw the ball home. Every kid has the ability to play SOME position in little league baseball. In pro baseball, even though there are obviously freak athletes out there in the majors, there is still room for the Average Joe. The greatest basebll player ever, guy by the name of Babe Ruth, drank heavily, smoked cigars, and was built like a blimp. Have you taken a glance at CC Sabathia and Prince Fielder recently? They would fit right in demolishing plates of ribs and farting up a storm at the dinner table from "The Nutty Professor."

Even baseball players who aren't blatantly obese are at least Rad looking dudes you know would hang with you at the local pool hall. I mean the 93' Phillies squad that actually went to the World Series? Lenny Dykstra, Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams, John fucking Kruck?? Whole lineup of rad dudes that looked like Dalton's henchmen from "Road House." Randy Johnson looks like the world's tallest spokesman for Copenhagen tobacco, and he's one of the greatest pitchers ever. Hell arguably the best modern pitcher Tim Lincecum, once starred in "Dazed and Confused," and his closer Brian Wilson looks like some sort of rad psycho lumberjack. Anyways, like I said there are obviously sick athletes and pretty boys in baseball as well, but more than any other sport the Rad dudes and Fatty All-American Joes can look at the screen and see a couple guys they could relate to and have a beer with.

4. You have to be A FAN

Baseball is by far the oldest major American sport, and in order to really appreciate the game you have to be aware of its history. You have to understand that nobody in a family of Chicago Cubs fans will ever witness a World Series title, and why Steve Bartman should remain in the witness protection program for the rest of his life because of it. You have to know about Bucky fucking Dent, Aaron fucking Boone, and the 3-0 ALCS collapse to understand why the Yankees and Red Sox hate each other. You have to understand how Jackie Robinson changed the face of the American athlete forever. You gotta understand why Roberto Clemente is responsibile for all the Rad immigrant ballplayers we see today who grew to love our national game in other countries, and came here to pursue the American dream. You have to see the records "61 home runs," "56 straight games," and ".400" and know that you may only get ONE chance in your lifetime to see them matched. (yeah I threw in 61* at the..official..HR record pre-Roidsville USA). You have to hold some opinion of Pete Rose's chances of ever getting into the hall of fame.

More than any other sport, you also have to really understand the little nuances to appreciate baseball. You gotta understand why batters get walked to create force outs at second. You have to get why a sacrifice fly is sometimes just as good as a base hit. You have to know your ace pitcher hitting the 100 pitch count in the 7th inning of a deciding playoff game means it's time for a change if your manager isn't named Grady Little. Without getting too longwinded with the baseball references the average person might not get...if you're gonna be a baseball have to actually be A FAN. You have to understand the history and tradition of America's pastime and really appreciate the game. That's what makes baseball great. It's not just an event. People don't go to baseball games just to look for celebs in the crowd, or just for the parking lot tailgate experience, or solely to get blackout wasted with their white trash bros. People go to baseball games because they love baseball, or at least appreciate how much it means to American society. That's why in a nutshell, I feel that whether or not you like another sport far better, you should try giving the old ballgame another shot. It's your duty as an American. When the day arrives where people no longer appreciate an afternoon at the ballpark of hot dogs, beer, fireworks, national anthems, questioning the opposing shortstop's sexuality and general Radness, the terrorists will have won.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE

Last week I had some fun on this feature in doing an April Fool's day BTSB post on legendary rock pioneer's The Beatles. Funny enough, the only feedback I've received so far has been positive commentary regarding the Beatles indeed being an overrated band. Perhaps the haters of this blog that love The Beatles got halfway through the post before hurling their computer out the window and missing the chance to tell me I have "basically the worst opinions ever." Or they are so infuriated by it that they are waiting to gather themselves, formulate coherent thoughts, and concoct the perfect angry anonymous comment to ridicule my opinions and notify that one slapdick I've never met no longer likes me. We shall see. Anyways, I can't afford to waste two consecutive weeks in my quest to abolish shitty music, and bring back Rad bands, so this week we return logically to the world of dipshit modern rock & roll. This week's entry is another band that I knew absolutely had to suck balls, but I never had the courage to listen to. I mean it's risky for me to sample modern rock jams, you never know when I might find that one horrendous band that makes me finally go postal or just completely give up on music due to their unprecedented shittyness. I survived another week of sucky band research but I have to say it was quite the ordeal forcing myself to check out this week's Band That Sucks Balls: DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE.

Ok. Lets get one thing out of the way immediately. Forget what made up genre this band may fit into. Forget that they may look like a collection of complete douchebags. Don't even think about how horrible their music is. Just...LOOK at the name of this fucking band. "Death Cab...For Cutie." No wait that back. The band is named "DEATH CAB...FOR CUTIE." I mean are you absolutely fucking kidding me?!= What in the hell kind of name is that for a rock band? Death Cab for Cutie sounds like a line of teen girl products/apparel from Hello Kitty sold exclusively at Hot Topic. Under no circumstance can you ever use the word "cutie" in naming your rock band. If these assholes had named their band "The Rose Scented Tampons" it would sound more badass than "Death Cab for Cutie." Good lord. Of course you would have to assume that any band that names themselves using the terms "death" and "cutie" in conjunction is probably the biggest set of weepy pussys to ever set foot on a rock stage. You my friend would indeed be correct.

Check out this amazing collection of nancy boys above. If not for the skinny jeans and hiked up corduroys you would think these douche monkeys were tenured college professors in the English department, meeting to discuss the inclusion of more Jane Austen works in next semester's curriculum. We meet most of our general indie rock requirements here. Guy on the right fills the "asshole with non-presciption retro eyewear" position, while guy on the far left is in the role of "bearded douche." Both fucktards are obviously wearing old man sweaters. The guys in the middle of course must counter with old style blazers and side part combover hairstyles to make sure the band meets all requirements for a feature story in "Stereogum" or "Pitchfork" magazine. I have no idea what indie bands do when they are forced to perform in the sweltering Texas heat during their inevitable set at SXSW or Austin City Limits, since they all wear sweaters, blazers and pea coats and often hail from the rainy Pacific Northwest. Anyways some artsy hipster label managed to overlook the fact that they're missing an ugly Asian girl or busted chick with bangs and gave the pansy parade a record deal anyways. Lets take a listen shall we?

Jesus Christ. Remember when rock videos incorporated hot chicks, summer weather, and themes of general "fun"..? Now we have...this. Video (A) - lead singer PansyCakes McVag is alone in his attic on an overcast afternoon curled up in a ball on his bed plucking an acoustic guitar. Singing some sad stalker anthem in a weepy tone about following his distant love..into the dark. Then we get some rad imagery incorporated into the clips as a dark hole in the center of his room {kinda like the one in the center of heart :( } Then the clip ends with no sign of the ugly bitch with bangs and a scarf he is following into the dark. Well now that we know the lead singer is a sissy lets examine what exactly the role of the rest of the band is. Video (B) -

Oh good. They do nothing. Looking at the video you'd be led to believe this band has a lead guitarist and a bassist who rock out while swaying back and forth. Then you realize...there is no guitar...or bass audible at any point in this song. No the song is dominated by some downer emo piano and a soft repetitive drum beat (I counted one 3 second drum fill a few minutes in). Apparently the guitarist and bassist are just there because they needed two more guys bundled up in scarves and winter stocking caps on stage to present the appearance of a full indie rock band lineup. The song is of course again about some girl the whiney singer longs for, and how he hopes to .."possess her heart." Clearly telling this broad he's fallen for "Gimme all your loving..all your hugs and kisses too" or mentioning that he "just wants a piece of her custard pie" would be crazy. This isn't rock & roll or anything, just amateur poetry night at the student lounge with accompanying acoustic guitar and piano. Every Death Cab song is like the soundtrack to that point in any chick flick where the guy and girl fight and break up and we get a montage of them staring out various windows with a lonely expression of regret. Except there is never a "happy ending" in this story (unless you count the one the drummer gives the lead singer after they spend another evening weeping into each other's scarves in the attic).

Anyways, there's no point on dwelling on how lame the Cutie Death Patrol is, even though I could probably rant for five more paragraphs. They totally suck balls, and if you relate to their music I suggest you move to a rainier climate where you'll have plenty of opportunities to stay inside and brood while listening to acoustic piano pussy rock about your heart. Or you could just blow your head off in an attic. Either one works for me.

Rather than end on an angry downer note I wanted to share some joyous news with the masses. This week a victory was scored for rad rock fans everywhere when legendary hipster fucktards LCD Soundsystem: called it quits and put us out of our misery by playing their final epic electro dance noise rock show in Madison Square Garden to a sellout crowd of hopping hipsters. Never again will we have to hear their enthralling combination of blips, beeps, synthesizers and talk-singing again. Thank..GOD. For once it wasn't an awesome band that decided to give up the dream. So to LCD Soundsytem we bid you adieu. Listening to hipsters rave about the merits of your whiteboy dance rock and seeing you hop around and press buttons onstage has been...not fun at all. So see you later fucktards. You will not be missed. For those of you keeping score at home that's 1 Band That Sucks Balls down...and about 1,567,890,543 bands to go.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: THE BEATLES

Generally on this weekly feature I avoid shitting on bands that one would categorize as "classic rock." People will gladly accept criticism of some shitty modern band, but if you criticize a band that happens to be classified as "classic rock" people will really lose their cool. Look at what happened when I mocked Pink Floyd, making completely ridiculous and unfounded statements like "Most people who enjoy Pink Floyd take drugs." I was crucified by both people with attention deficit disorder, and people who felt not liking Pink Floyd indicated I had attention deficit disorder. This is because when it comes to classic rock, you have no choice but to respect and love these bands. You've been told over the years that they're "pioneers," and that they "changed the face of rock music forever" by historians and of course mom and dad. Because of this you are not allowed to express anything but admiration for these bands. One band in particular is the worst example of this syndrome. A band that is not allowed to finish number 2 on any list of the greatest bands, musicians, artists, whatever in rock history. A band tha,t according to music critics, created at least half of the top 10 greatest rock albums of ALL TIME. A band that, no matter what the discussion, is free from ridicule. I am talking of course, about this week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE BEATLES.

God these guys suck so many bowls of nuts. What the fuck is the big deal with The Beatles? They are SO overrated. First of all, lets examine their career, which can basically be split into two separate phases. The first phase of their career was their heartthrob phase when they made teenage girls across the world swoon with a bunch of retarded two and a half minute pop rock songs that I could have written in five minutes. Songs with brilliant lyrics that rhymed "I think you'll understand" with "I wanna hold your hand." Or about loving you "EIGHT days a week" (WTF). Basically a bunch of shitty generic pop songs for kids in the 60s to do the twist to at Spring formal while swinging their hips at least two feet apart from their partner. So nothing in this phase can be associated with rock & roll. During this phase the Beatles were basically N'Sync with bowl cuts and guitars they barely had to strum.

The second phase of their phase of course, was their "innovative" phase. As I've said before "innovative" is often just code for "weird." So it makes logical sense that the Beatles musical "innovation" came after they discovered LSD, expanded their mind and started recording a bunch of nonsensical songs while tripping balls in the studio 24/7. All of these albums are universally considered the most groundbreaking, and revolutionary rock albums ever. Even they often involved songs with stupid kiddie chorus' about walrus,' racoons, and yellow submarines. And their albums used weird production techniques, sound engineering and random instruments the band didn't play like royal trumpets and horns. Since at the time, nobody before them had ever recorded songs about talking animals, and brightly colored sea vessels, or recorded entire "albums" in the traditional sense (with 10 or more tracks on a record, rather than just a pop single with a B side) this was considered grand "innovation." Songs like this stupid jam straight out of a Disney cartoon written by Dr. Seuss were apparently "groundbreaking":

The Beatles are often referred to as "The Fab Four." As if to imply that each member brought something unique and amazing to the table, even though in actuality they all pretty much sucked as rock musicians. To the far and distant left we have George Harrison, the lead guitarist who is often known as "The Quiet Beatle." Which is a nice way of saying he was the biggest pussy in the band. George Harrison spent most of his time as a Beatle being the deep, introspective one who learned about Hinduism while meditating with Ravi Shankar, and writing boring songs like "Here comes the sun." His wife Patti spent most of her time fucking Eric Clapton. To the far right we have good old Ringo Starr who doesn't really have a nickname since "The Useless Beatle" or "The Ugly Beatle" aren't really great monikers to have. His only contribution to the band other than shitty drumming and occasional backup vocals was this retarded song straight out of Spongebob Squarepants:

The two most famous Beatles pictured in the center, were of course Paul McCartney and John Lennon. Outside of his gig as frontman for the most overrated band ever, John Lennon is mostly known for being a stupid whiney hippie accused by the US government of being a Communist party member, who married an ugly Japanese bitch who broke up the band. Seriously how the fuck were you head of the biggest band band in the world and you ended up marrying this disheveled looking beast from the Far East (rather than one of any number of hot Asian slampieces lining up at the docks of Okinawa)? Not to mention she had the voice of a dying ostritch:

Paul was the pretty boy of the bunch that all the chicks loved, and widely considered the mastermind of the Beatles since he was the only one that demonstrated ANY musical talent. I mean at least he went onto a fruitful solo career once The Beatles broke up, with his badass band "Wings" featuring his wife Linda (who wasn't an ugly Japanese woman who sounded like a banshee) and Rad hits like "Maybe I'm Amazed." He did however, write the single most annoying Christmas song ever:

Regardless, Paul at least wrote the few halfway decent Beatles songs, and the band broke up because he didn't get along with Hippie boy Lennon and his ugly ass wife, which I can get behind. So I'll give him some due, although he should have left The Beatles to shine on his own way earlier.

I'm sure I will get plenty of hate mail for this entry since I have never met a person in history that wasn't brainwashed into thinking The Beatles were awesome, or at the very least thought that "you have to respect them." People will probably say they liked my blog, but once I shit on the greatest band ever they lost respect for my writing. They will probably tell me I disrespected a group of rock pioneers and clearly only listen to loud, noisy rock music of no substance. They will also probably stop reading halfway through, ignore the fact that the whole point of my blog is to be funny, and not look at the date of this post and the tags at the end of it, to pick up on what was going on.