Rappers That Suck Balls: LIL WAYNE

I was in high school around the time rock music REALLY started to suck balls, with the Limp Bizkits and Korns of the world taking over the airwaves. As reaction to all this garbage I, along with many other youths turned to gangster rap as our new rebellious music of choice. My friends and I cruised around the burbs blasting the latest hip hop shit, and jammed out to it in our headphones to get amped before basketball games. At the time most rap music was fucking rad, so we could compile a pretty massive collection of jams when we all shared and copied the CDs each of us had bought/downloaded off Napster. Our one friend however, was useless in that department because he only listened to horrendous Dirty South rap the rest of us had no interest in. "No dude I am not gonna lend you the latest Wu-Tang CD in exchange for the chance to burn your 5th Ward Weebie LP." By far his favorite rappers were the members of "Cash Money Records." For those of you who can't remember, Cash Money specialized in releasing 17 albums of year from their lineup of generic shitty rappers who all rapped about having bling, being rich, buying rims...and nothing else. We all assumed that this collection of shitbags would eventually fade out, and they pretty much did..except for one member who many years later, grew up to be the "greatest rapper alive." Zero idea what caused this phenomenon, and I wanted to address it in this week's edition of Bands (Rappers) That Suck Balls: LIL WAYNE.

Just take a moment to soak in the above picture, for you are looking at Lil Wayne..King of the Ass Clowns. Whether you refer to him as Lil Wayne, Lil Weezy, Weezy F Baby or any other fucking retarded nickname he's bestowed upon himself, you are talking about a magna cum laude graduate of Bozo University. Seriously just look at this fucking dickhead. First of all he is keeping it mad real in a PINK camoflauge hoodie. Apparently borrowed from a female marine who will kick his ass if he doesn't return it. Of course his hoodie is unbuttoned with no shirt underneath so that we can witness his 117 stupid tattoos inked across his 140 pound frame. Walking around shirtless to flash your tats is only badass and intimidating if you're jacked like a jail homie. If you're skinny and walk around shirtless flashing your stupid tats...it's retarded. Take it from me, a skinny guy with stupid tattoos. Finally urban society finally progressed to the point that you don't have to sag your pants off your ass to look cool. Lil Wayne however, is trying to bring it back, by taking the fashion trend to an even more idiotic level, and sagging his pants..beneath his dick. Thanks you shithead the world really needed to see your rainbow polka dotted boxer briefs. Finally he has what appears to be the word "Rape" on his belt buckle, presumably to remind him what will happen on a daily basis if he ever goes to real prison.

I don't feel the need to attach clips of this imbecile's musical genius to reinforce my argument, because..who HASN'T hear what Lil Wayne sounds like. If you've turned on the radio, been to a bar or attended a frat party in the last five years, you've heard this fucktard's music blasting. I really don't care what anybody says, Lil Wayne is an awful rapper. First of all he has the WORST voice ever. He sounds like a ashtmatic frog croaking through one of those throat cancer patient voiceboxes. I don't care if his lyrics involve the most poetic analogies in the world, there's no way I can get past his voice to appreciate his "true appeal." Speaking of which..he has none. Rappers used to rap about Rad shit like selling coke, shooting people, and pouring champagne on bitches. Lil Wayne raps about complete bullshit like being an alien from another planet and other ridiculous statements that lend to him just bragging about how awesome he is through metaphor. Yes there is a skill to this, but still it's fucking boring and gets old quick. We get it, your shit's hotter than summer and you are colder than winter, lets move on. As for the actual musical aspect I don't really get the big deal either. It's not like his songs are particularly catchy, his beats are generic synthesized crap, and his hooks generally employ him auto-tune singing (maybe the worse vocal innovation in music history.) So yeah long story short, no possible reason to throw this on the Ipod.

What is even more infuriating about Weezy F FuckStick is that people actually believe he is an amazing "artist." I mean I'm not here to judge every douchebag that makes ignorant rap music, because generally nobody takes those guys seriously. I mean yeah Three Six Mafia won an Oscar, but I don't think anybody is arguing the creative merits of "Sipping on Some Syzzurp." Weezy however is a universally adored, and critically acclaimed musical artist. He is on the cover of legitimate music publications not called "The Source" or "XXL." He fucking started writing articles..FOR ESPN. WHY?? Why the FUCK do I care to hear some shitbag rapper rant about his predictions for the upcoming NFL season? (BTW Weezy's favorite sports teams are apparently the Boston Red Sox, Boston Bruins, Green Bay Packers, and LA Lakers...i.e. four random ass teams nowhere close to his native New Orleans..also idiotic). He fancies himself as some sort of hybrid musical/entertainment/cultural icon whose brilliance we should bow down to, as he emphasizes any time a reporter sits down with him. All this would be obnoxious enough if it's the only shit he bragged about, and he didn't you know, expect us to actually acknowledge he's an icon among..actual human beings in society. Of course Lil Wayne then sets the record straight with brilliant soundbites like this:

When asked about the perception he’s over-saturating the market with his music, Wayne responds,

“Darling, I don’t care what nobody think. Talk to me like you talk to Martin Luther King or Malcolm X. You’re not going to ask him about what he thinks about what somebody said about him. You ask him about his greatness, and his greatness only.”

WHAT?? Yeah I mean your fucking hot jam about getting sucked off like a lollipop is basically equivalent to the "I have a Dream" speech. If I remember correctly Malcolm X's led his followers by example, largely through wearing his trousers below his dick and getting teardrops tattoed on his face. What a self-righteous cock. Sadly people actually buy this up as evidenced by the fucking "Free Weezy" t-shirts (A new ironic hipster fad) you see every time he's serving hard time in jail as a celebrity for possessing high amounts of weed and codeine. WHY? Why the hell should we free this completely useless asshole with no redeeming qualities? He's not a messiah. Lock his midget ass up and throw away the key. Fuck freeing Weezy. Free us, the public, from having to listen to this batshit moron croak out any further nonsense every time a microphone is put in front of him.

Hater Mailbag Volume 3

When we last left the haters, they were making use of the All-Caps key to emphasize how sad and lonely I was, inquiring whether I had A.D.D., and questioning my lack of intellect and maturity, all while butchering the proper spelling of the term "you're" as usual. A couple weeks passed, and once again I came under the assumption that the haters had been subdued. Commentary from normal people who actually read blogs because they enjoy what's on the site, was on the rise again. All seemed well. Then of course as they always do, the haters came out of the woodwork in record numbers. Spewing their "logical arguments," questioning if I in fact liked any type of music, or just resorting to childish insults if they didn't have the time to jot down a coherent argument. Of course as I always do, I got a great chuckle out of all these losers with nothing better to do than angrily criticize an obscure blog, from the comfort of their laptops. I have once again compiled the lamest commentary on this side of the blogosphere, and will now address the haters in my Third Hater Mailbag. Without further ado, BRING ON THE HATE!

LukeGroundFlyer RE: "Deutschland"

"Look at that shit. Just fucking watch that shit. And when you're done with that shit, take a look at this shit." (Inserts THREE youtube clips of soccer goals.)

Wow a non-music snob hater. Ok first of all, I wrote my soccer rant during the World Cup, which last time I checked was...a year ago. The devotion of haters to their craft, never ceases to amaze me. Seriously you just NOW went back 150 posts in the archives to go off on me for hating soccer last year? Anyways just showing me Youtube clips of the sport you grew to love during your two months abroad in Madrid, is not really gonna change my opinion of it. Oh sweet 36 second clip of this awesome goal. What happened during the other 89 minutes and 24 seconds of the match? NOTHING? Cool that's what I thought. Continue to "Support" your favorite "Club" (Pretentious Soccer fact #37272 fans don't root/cheer for teams...they "Support Clubs") all you wish, but don't expect a few clips to change my opinion of your lame sport.

"G" re: TOOL

"this sounds like something the band would say themselves just to throw off their herd..how i even came across this i cant even remember..but i leave you with this: i heard what you said..you know nothing of their work!..You mean their whole fallacy is wrong..How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing...if you don't get this then..eh forget it..."

? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0

Huh? That folks literally was the worst written English paragraph I have ever seen. Just read this sentence again: "You mean their whole fallacy is wrong." Ok do you even know what "fallacy" means? Using fancy college boy words can be very effective in debate..if you know..used properly. You just said that I meant Tool's whole incorrect reasoning and misconceptions is wrong. Um. Yeah sure I guess. However the fuck that is a point is beyond me. Also, who told this guy about my secret life as a college professor. I don't remember including "Professional Music teacher" on my blogger profile anywhere, so...don't worry I haven't gotten to teach a course in anything. How you passed a course in anything, with writing is beyond amazing.

LUKE re: Neon Trees

As far as I'm concerned:
Shit: (Inserts Shitty "Neon Trees" clip)
Indie: (Inserts Shitty "The Pixies" clip)

Oh god. The old school hipster music snob. Somehow his positive commentary infuriated me more than most negative commentary. "Oh yeah I agree that Neon Trees sucks balls, now let me show you all what REAL indie rock is about with this noise rock classic from The Pixies." For the record, The Pixies suck just as much dick as Neon Trees. Just because some assfuck at Spin told you they have three of the greatest 90's rock records ever, and used some fancy language in doing so, doesn't mean they were actually any good. Anyways, whatever one noise rock indie band sounds just like the next one, maybe I just have an extremely shallow taste in music.

LUKE re: Vampire Weekend

"Been snooping around your blog for a bit, and I have to say, you sir, have an extremely shallow taste in music....And I don't mean that's necessarily bad, I just mean, like, don't you ever get tired of the pentatonic scale every once in a while?"

Ok I love the disclaimer on this one: "I don't mean that's necessarily bad." You just told me I was shallow, which is by definition an insult, but then said that's "not necessarily bad." That's like me saying "with all due respect...your girlfriend is kinda a bitch." The first disclaimer doesn't clear me of the second part. Also, I HATE the fucking pentatonic scale argument. "OHHH FANCY MUSIC TERMINOLOGY!!" From what I understand from my friends who play the guitar (layman's terms here obviously) the pentatonic scale is a sort of base blues rock scale that lots of great guitarists like your Stevie Ray Vaughans and Buddy Guy's of the world have always used. Basically a scale where there is a lack of dissonance, and notes don't clash in sound. I.E. melodic...sounding like actual music..etc. Gimme a break. Oh and this argument is made in defense of fucking "Vampire Weekend?" Yeah pretty sure the guitarist of every band I like can play whatever bullshit "scale" these hipster jangle rockers can play.

Echelon re: Neon Trees

"You can all go fuck yourselves. Neon Trees is a great band, the members are wonderful people and if you don't like it. don't fucking listen."

Great argument. Uh...I don't like Neon Trees...which is why I don't fucking listen to their music. I just write hater blog posts about their shitty band. Now that that's out of the way, "The members are wonderful people" is not a point. I could care less if a band's members are horribly immoral, drug-addled assholes..in fact I'd prefer it.

Jade re: Fleet Foxes

"I would be extremely interested to know what kind of music you DO like.The only thing I got out of this was that YOU suck balls."

Kevin re: Fleet Foxes

"Yeah dude, Jade's right. You're an idiot. Big time."

Wow Fleet Foxes fanbase is apparently made up of former debate team captians. "YOU suck balls"..."Yeah agreed..what she said." For all the criticism I get for not criticizing the actual merits of a shitty band's music, half of you hater commenters never actually argue FOR the merits of your favorite shitty band's music. "I don't know why Fleet Foxes are good..they just are...so..you're an idiot. Big time." Since no effort was made here, I'm not gonna bother reiterating what type of music I live and will just take the childish route. I like music that DOESN'T suck balls, unlike Fleet Foxes.

Adley re: R.E.M.

"Your convictions have no merit. I would imagine as you might be able to distinguish "rock," you certainly are unable to distinguish "art".

Congratulations to Adley for being the first hater in history to use "your" properly. Other than that, fuck him. I am unable to distinguish "art"..? Jesus christ. I write a blog that features Clint Eastwood holding a shotgun as its logo, and the term "sucks balls" in the title of its main weekly feature. Do you really thing I care at all about distinguishing "art?" The only music I am able to distinguish is in fact rock, so I could really give half a shit if you think I can't comprehend "art." To me "art" these days is just defined as anything abstract looking/sounding that can't be classified within a normal category. Which is why a painting of Kramer from "Seinfeld" isn't selling for millions of dollars, but a picture of a deformed purple frog with triangles for eyes does. Doesn't mean I would prefer the former hanging on my wall. Also why R.E.M. is considered "better" music with more "artistic merit" than say Def Leppard. One band can easily be classified as fun arena party rock, the other band fits into no genre other than "alternative," making it "art." Well if simplistic loud, fun music played on a pentatonic scale, isn't art then I have no interest in distiguishing if any of my favorite bands fit into your pretentious classification of what makes music "art."

Anyways, that's all for this edition of Hater Mailbag. Don't be shy haters, I welcome ridiculing your future childish insults, illogical arguments, and general poor grammar as they get posed on my little blog. Please keep the negative commentary coming. Haters make the world go round' and this irrationally angry site welcomes your irrational anger with open arms. Till next time KEEP HATIN'!

Bands That Suck Balls: DAUGHTRY

Due to technical difficulties with Google last week, there was no Bands That Suck Balls entry posted at it's regularly scheduled date. Wouldn't want anybody to think a week passed where I COULDN'T think of a bands that suck balls. Anyways, I wrote a Mother's day tribute post a few weeks ago and it occurred to me that I forgot to mention another distinct mom trait. Namely, the tendency to discuss subjects with their sons, that no man would generally have any interest in dicussing. Prime example: American Idol. More than any other demographic, moms fucking love them some American Idol. For some reason they believe that their sons also share a deep fondness for Karaoke renditions of Motown. It never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday my mom asked me if I knew that "the rocker guy" had been kicked off the show. No mom, in the middle of my busy day of drinking beer, watching sports and surfing heterosexual porn I did not get a chance to peruse the "AI" standings. At any rate, American Idol used to be a show aimed at finding the next shitty Billboard pop artist, but in recent years we've apparently seen the advent of "the rocker guy" showing up on the program each season. Some guy who wants to be a "rock star", but can't find any other pussies who share his affinity for the Goo Goo Dolls, and want to form a band. This trend can be largely attributed to the success of this week's Band That Sucks Balls: DAUGHTRY.

I have resisted the urge to do a "Daughtry" entry for a while because I wasn't even sure if they qualified as a "rock band." Well upon further research they do qualify, and I think I'm stating the obvious when I say they absolutely suck enormous quantities of balls. One peek at this entourage of fucksticks should tell you that. Whose mom fucking dressed the above set of dickheads? We've got homeless man's Richie Sambora on the right dressed a lot like I used to...when I was 10. Hey 1994 called, they want their chain wallet and airwalks back clown. Then we've got three other tools dressed in some variation of the "mid-life crisis bro" wardrobe. Form fitting jeans, v-neck t-shirt and jacket combo, boots, and a chain or dog tag as rad neck accessory to round things out. Second tard from the right kicked the badass up a notch with his sweet mohawk, so we're all aware that he downloaded a Ramones song off Itunes once. Of course king assfuck is Chris Daughtry himself, pictured second from the left. Sweet leather suit guy. Clearly this guy is business...but also here to party. Cue ball also rocks the pencil goatee and chin strap beard generally seen on Turkish businessmen who roofie girls at club. All these characteristics would lead one to believe there is absolutely no rocking out on the horizon when these guys step onstage. Lets confirm this assumption now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQ92eyxnxmQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bnX-6sJZBw

Jesus fucking christ. These guys are basically the Michelob Ultra to Nickelback's Budweiser. What the shit. Every once in a while Nickelback drops some wannabe party rock jame between their many horrendous lumberjack arena power ballads. Even though we never actually believe that Chad Kroeger and the douche patrol are "GOING OUT TONIGHT!! DRINKING LOTS OF BEERS!! HANGING OUT WITH MODELS!!" etc. I guess you can give them a D for effort. Daughtry doesn't even try to sugar coat how lame they are. They exclusively sing weepy power ballads without a hint of balls. Daughtry does the grungy Nickelback snarl scream to a T on all his hooks, while gently crooning during the rest of the jam. In order to look like an authentic rock frontman, rather than Michael Bolton with a backing band, Daughtry occasionally straps on an acoustic guitar to strum and inaudibly compliment the band's otherwise electric sound. Just like....Taylor Swift does. Oh you're HOLDING a guitar? Well clearly you're a rock star in that case. I mean if you were rocking a mohawk with that acoustic ala your bassist, I would really hesitate on betting against you in a fight with Michelle Brance.

The rest of the band of course also gobbles giant bowls of dick. Which pretty much goes without saying. I mean...how shitty a set of rock musicians do you have to be to end up as the backing band of an American Idol winner? (Editor's note, just called mom and can now confirm Daughtry was actually just a finalist) You're in a "band" whose name acknowledges only the lead singer. I mean even Jimi Hendrix was nice enough to add the words "The Experience" to his name to emphasize the presence of a complete band. Cream wasn't just named "Clapton" (although they probably should have been). How embarrassing is it to just be the anonymous other members of Daughtry's band? Can you imagine telling people that's your job description? How do these guys show their faces at family Thanksgiving?

Douche Guitar Bro: Guess what guys? I got a new gig! I'm gonna be playing guitar for that guy who finished fourth on American Idol!"

Dad (with palm to face): "Thanks for sharing son, now can we wait till after dessert to discuss you blowing dudes in bathrooms, or did you wanna reveal that now too?"

Anyways, American Idol is still going stronger than ever, so I don't expect it's influence on popular music to waver anytime soon. Which is fine with me. You can ship up all the Carrie Underwoods and Kelly Clarksons in the world up to Clive Davis and let them record 100 breakup anthems for skanks to drunkenly sing at karaoke on gals night out. Just don't make any more contributions to the world of rock & roll please. Don't take the guy who stole America's heart with his edgy version of "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch," strap a guitar on him, put him in front of four douches with leather jackets and chain wallets, and call it a "rock band." I can distinguish the sight of true rock & roll from that of "The Clay Aiken Experience" any day of the week.

Bands That Suck Balls: DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

This weekend from NetFlix the indie music documentary "Lemmy" arrived for my lazy sunday viewing to pleasure, and I have to say my review was a resounding two thumbs up. Generally, when you hear the words "indie" and "documentary" together, you think of some movie where a guy eats Big Macs for a month to prove they're unhealthy, or some shit about endangered penguins. Occasionally however, the word "indie" just means "Too Rad a concept for a major studio to touch." Which was the case with Lemmy, a behind the scenes look at the daily existence of Hall of Fame Rad Dude Lemmy Kilmister, frontman of Motorhead. If you want a tutorial in "How to be an epic rock badass 101" I highly recommend you check out Lemmy. Seriously if one hour in you don't have the sudden urge to drink a liter of Jack Daniels, smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds and go on a speed bender, you basically have no penis. Anyways, Motorhead is living proof that a band can survive countless lineup changes over the course of decades as long as they have a frontman so badass that his aura of Rad will overshadow any collection of lesser men you put around him. On the other hand if you have a total douchebag fronting your band, it doesn't matter how many badass rock musicians you put behind him, the results will be lame (see Van Hagar). Then of course you have modern music where a band can consist of one whiney Dipshit, backed by an interchangable crew of pansies, and be classified as rock & roll. I.E. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL.

Seriously where the fuck do these bands come up with their names? "Dashboard Confessional?" Huh? There is absolutely nothing rock & roll at all about either a "dashboard" or a "confessional," unless we're talking about doing lines off the dashboard of your convertible while confessing to the bassist that you're banging his girlfriend. Of course I looked up the origins of this assfuck name and found that the band's name originated from their song "The Sharp Hint of New Tears" off their debut album "The Swiss Army Romance." Ok that told me nothing. Basically your pussy band wrote a pussy song for their pending pussy album and then derived a pussy band name from the lyrics. Moving on. The band's one man mastermind is the former American Apparel employee pictured above. In high school he was voted "Most Likely to Dissappoint his Father." Seriously are you kidding me? I don't think this guy has grown a pube yet. If my son showed up to Thanksgiving dinner dressed like this I'd tell him to get out of the house and go fucking beg for turkey at the local homeless shelter. Sweet rolled up checkered shirt douchebag. Really compliments your size 27 girl jeans, designer trucker hat and the last remaining pair of doc martens on earth. Also I don't care how many tattoos of unicorns and rainbows you ink down your sleeves tough guy I'd still wager against you in a fight with Justin Bieber. Lets take a listen to what assfuckery this dipshit passes off as rock music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j82FBbgpUy4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVN2b0DdZAQ

So basically this band is like John Mayer meets Michelle Branch with more sad feelings. Awesome. As usual singing is a foreign concept to the band's singer. In our first hot number here he chooses to just whimper and whisper through the lyrics, until he gets to the chorus where he screams in grandiose pansy fashion like some sort of emo Bono. For some reason he bothers to strap on a guitar, even though he strums two chords at an inaudible level for 80% of the song. I don't even know why he has a backup rhythms. They also turn their amps all the way up to 3 and strum out two chord melodies. The drummer's role is just to look fierce during his rare drum fill, to offset the sea of strumming and weeping in front of him. Since Dashboard's actual instrumental talent is zilch, you kinda zone out from their soft emo balladry, and find yourself listening to the actual lyrics of these lame sounding songs. Which are actually 10 times worse than the band's actual music. Lets look at some of this pussy poet's finest verses.

"Another sun soaked season fades away, you have stolen my heart..."

(WAAAAH)

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me? So I die happy"

(Yes somebody please kill this asshole so we can all die happy)

"My heart is yours, to fill or burst. To break or bury. Or wear as jewelry. Whichever you prefer"

...

Ok are you serious with that last set of lyrics? Was that a joke? Options apparently presented to chick who doesn't want to bang Dashboard's singer ever:

(A) Stomp, break, or bury his heart.
(B) Wear it as Jewelry

How exactly do you wear a guy's heart as jewelry? That might be the single lamest emo pickup line analogy in history. This is basically the scribblings of a hopeless romantic 6th grader in his mead composition book, passed off as a rock song because some assfuck with sleeve tattoos and skinny jeans whispered it while lightly strumming a guitar. Somebody please stab this douche in the heart before he writes another cheesedick analogy about it.

The problem of course is that there are masses of chicks that LOVE this sensitive emo poetry bullshit, which is why bands like Dashboard Confessional keep getting signed to record deals and keep selling out venues. Most rock bands have at least somewhat of a split in their fan demographic amongst the bros and hos, but I'm pretty sure chicks are 97% solely to blame for Dashboard's rise to fame (with the other 3% being the sad douches trying to impress chicks with their sensitivity). So I beg of you ladies. Please stop supporting this pansy garbage. The American male as a species is already rapidly nearing extinction, in direct conjunction with the demise of rock music. So stop encouraging the existence of these pussies. If some clown with sleeve tattoos and skinny jeans wants to write sensitive music for chicks he can go be a songwriter for Sara Bareillis. Just keep him off my rock radio and definitely off my fucking lawn.

Bands That Suck Balls: The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

With April almost over, Spring is officially in bloom with college coeds having returned from getting STDs at tropical vacation spots and the MLB season in full swing. Unfortunately this time frame also marks the start of the yearly phenomenon known as festival season. Once the weather gets nice random cities across the country big and small start hosting their annual gatherings of bands that suck balls. Now when you think of festivals, you often think of some hippie fest where a bunch of white kids with dreads eat mushrooms and dance in circles to String Cheese Incident. Note to my stoner buddies: these gatherings don't really bother me that much. I mean M.O.E. will play All Good 25 yrs in a row before I am ever forced to actually hear their music in society. No the festivals I'm referring to are the mass hipster festivals where the trendiest of the trendy bands headline, and up and coming noise-rock shitbags go to stake their claim to douche rock stardom. Hipster grad students without real jobs somehow spend hundreds of dollars to jetset across the country and buy tix to as many of these fests as possible. Not to enjoy the main band that is "Sooo last year's Outside Lands" as much as to name drop the newest band just getting on the scene that they saw play some craptastic set. Like this year's breakout group at the recent Coachella festival and Band That Sucks Balls: The Pains of Being Pure at Heart.

It seriously just pained me to type out the name of this collection of asstards. I mean I thought we had pretty much hit the Mt. Everest of lame nonsensical hipster band names with "Death Cab for Cutie," but boy was I sorely mistaken. "The Pains of Being Pure at Heart"..? WHAT? I mean if you gave me a choice between "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" and "The Pains of Being Pure at Heart" and asked "which one is a rock band and which one is a Sandra Bullock/Ashley Judd gal pal flick," I'd just flip a coin. Ridiculously horrible name. Their appearance of course lives up to the standard set by their lame moniker. A key ingredient in any hipster band is of course a chick with bangs, and ugly chick, or an Asian girl. Well lookie here! We've got ourselves and ugly Asian chick..with bangs! PERFECT! Also should probably have a guy with a haircut a chimpanzee could give someone: See guy on the left with his douche combover and spaghetti strap suspenders holding up his skinny jeans. Then of course comes the douche band wardrobe essential: the sweater. Well we've obviously got Mr. Rogers over here second from left in his Rad red Cardigan sweater and picnic table shirt, and the band leader far right rocking his V-neck/pink shirt looking solemnly at the camera with the standard neutral expression all lame bands use during group shots. Lets take a listen as to what audio excrement these assfucks shit out and purport to be rock:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxqAc7yfd6E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yknASwa9D4o

Ok even though these guys blow donkey balls on all levels, the first question that comes to mind. What in the fuck happened to the rock singer? I mean I'm not expecting Robert Plant to front every band out there, but seriously give me something outta your voice that sounds like you've grown a pube this century. What the shit is this asshole doing? Some sort of sad, whiney whispering in a nasally tone. That is not singing by any standard. "Whimpering puppy in a kennel" is not a vocal style. Of course since the frontman can't hold down vocals by himself, his female counterpart assists in harmonizing the whining on the hook. Good, at least Margaret Cho does something worthwhile besides tapping two keys on her casio keyboard once every two minutes.

The guitar attack can as usual be described in one word: Strumtastic. Just lots of repetitive strumming of three chords, followed by slightly louder strumming of three chords, and then the grand finale...Loudest strumming of three chords. Sweeeet.. I don't even know what to tell you by the bassist. I mean..did you watch that second clip? He literally contributed NOTHING to the performance other than a cardigan sweater. He just fucking stands there looking glum..holding..his bass, until the great strum-off to close out this pansy jam about finding the heart in heartbreak. I will say that the drummer is not bad, but his backbeat and solid fills can't drown out the ocean of super lameness in front of him. Go back to Williamsburg (Yes of course they're from Brooklyn) and open up a fucking bike shop you pack of assclowns. I don't want to hear your breezy emotional strum rock, anymore than I want to listen to Charles Barkley recite the Gettysburg Address. Your band accomplishes nothing other than being pure pain to my goddamn eardrums. Take that to heart cocktasters.

Anyways, what else really needs to said about these shitheads above? I will now move on to more positive news and say that since I don't support music like the aforementioned Pure Pains of my Sandy Vagina, I spent Coachella weekend in NYC seeing an actual rock show courtesy of up and coming rad band Taddy Porter. I've mentioned them before and they're good on record, but they absolutely ROCK COCK live. If you have a chance to check them out in your city you definitely should(most likely at some small venue since..duh...they don't play shitty electro fuzz strum noise...can't fill an arena). They are a badass band and if you show enough enthusiasm in preserving the spirit of rock and roll by getting buck wild in the crowd, they will even pound beers and shoot the shit with you post Rad show. So check them out: http://www.facebook.com/taddyportermusic#!/taddyportermusic?sk=info

Bands That Suck Balls: DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE

Last week I had some fun on this feature in doing an April Fool's day BTSB post on legendary rock pioneer's The Beatles. Funny enough, the only feedback I've received so far has been positive commentary regarding the Beatles indeed being an overrated band. Perhaps the haters of this blog that love The Beatles got halfway through the post before hurling their computer out the window and missing the chance to tell me I have "basically the worst opinions ever." Or they are so infuriated by it that they are waiting to gather themselves, formulate coherent thoughts, and concoct the perfect angry anonymous comment to ridicule my opinions and notify that one slapdick I've never met no longer likes me. We shall see. Anyways, I can't afford to waste two consecutive weeks in my quest to abolish shitty music, and bring back Rad bands, so this week we return logically to the world of dipshit modern rock & roll. This week's entry is another band that I knew absolutely had to suck balls, but I never had the courage to listen to. I mean it's risky for me to sample modern rock jams, you never know when I might find that one horrendous band that makes me finally go postal or just completely give up on music due to their unprecedented shittyness. I survived another week of sucky band research but I have to say it was quite the ordeal forcing myself to check out this week's Band That Sucks Balls: DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE.

Ok. Lets get one thing out of the way immediately. Forget what made up genre this band may fit into. Forget that they may look like a collection of complete douchebags. Don't even think about how horrible their music is. Just...LOOK at the name of this fucking band. "Death Cab...For Cutie." No wait seriously...read that back. The band is named "DEATH CAB...FOR CUTIE." I mean are you absolutely fucking kidding me?!= What in the hell kind of name is that for a rock band? Death Cab for Cutie sounds like a line of teen girl products/apparel from Hello Kitty sold exclusively at Hot Topic. Under no circumstance can you ever use the word "cutie" in naming your rock band. If these assholes had named their band "The Rose Scented Tampons" it would sound more badass than "Death Cab for Cutie." Good lord. Of course you would have to assume that any band that names themselves using the terms "death" and "cutie" in conjunction is probably the biggest set of weepy pussys to ever set foot on a rock stage. You my friend would indeed be correct.

Check out this amazing collection of nancy boys above. If not for the skinny jeans and hiked up corduroys you would think these douche monkeys were tenured college professors in the English department, meeting to discuss the inclusion of more Jane Austen works in next semester's curriculum. We meet most of our general indie rock requirements here. Guy on the right fills the "asshole with non-presciption retro eyewear" position, while guy on the far left is in the role of "bearded douche." Both fucktards are obviously wearing old man sweaters. The guys in the middle of course must counter with old style blazers and side part combover hairstyles to make sure the band meets all requirements for a feature story in "Stereogum" or "Pitchfork" magazine. I have no idea what indie bands do when they are forced to perform in the sweltering Texas heat during their inevitable set at SXSW or Austin City Limits, since they all wear sweaters, blazers and pea coats and often hail from the rainy Pacific Northwest. Anyways some artsy hipster label managed to overlook the fact that they're missing an ugly Asian girl or busted chick with bangs and gave the pansy parade a record deal anyways. Lets take a listen shall we?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rePcHxFJIuU

Jesus Christ. Remember when rock videos incorporated hot chicks, summer weather, and themes of general "fun"..? Now we have...this. Video (A) - lead singer PansyCakes McVag is alone in his attic on an overcast afternoon curled up in a ball on his bed plucking an acoustic guitar. Singing some sad stalker anthem in a weepy tone about following his distant love..into the dark. Then we get some rad imagery incorporated into the clips as a dark hole in the center of his room {kinda like the one in the center of heart :( } Then the clip ends with no sign of the ugly bitch with bangs and a scarf he is following into the dark. Well now that we know the lead singer is a sissy lets examine what exactly the role of the rest of the band is. Video (B) -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsCV61zsdtA

Oh good. They do nothing. Looking at the video you'd be led to believe this band has a lead guitarist and a bassist who rock out while swaying back and forth. Then you realize...there is no guitar...or bass audible at any point in this song. No the song is dominated by some downer emo piano and a soft repetitive drum beat (I counted one 3 second drum fill a few minutes in). Apparently the guitarist and bassist are just there because they needed two more guys bundled up in scarves and winter stocking caps on stage to present the appearance of a full indie rock band lineup. The song is of course again about some girl the whiney singer longs for, and how he hopes to .."possess her heart." Clearly telling this broad he's fallen for "Gimme all your loving..all your hugs and kisses too" or mentioning that he "just wants a piece of her custard pie" would be crazy. This isn't rock & roll or anything, just amateur poetry night at the student lounge with accompanying acoustic guitar and piano. Every Death Cab song is like the soundtrack to that point in any chick flick where the guy and girl fight and break up and we get a montage of them staring out various windows with a lonely expression of regret. Except there is never a "happy ending" in this story (unless you count the one the drummer gives the lead singer after they spend another evening weeping into each other's scarves in the attic).

Anyways, there's no point on dwelling on how lame the Cutie Death Patrol is, even though I could probably rant for five more paragraphs. They totally suck balls, and if you relate to their music I suggest you move to a rainier climate where you'll have plenty of opportunities to stay inside and brood while listening to acoustic piano pussy rock about your heart. Or you could just blow your head off in an attic. Either one works for me.

Rather than end on an angry downer note I wanted to share some joyous news with the masses. This week a victory was scored for rad rock fans everywhere when legendary hipster fucktards LCD Soundsystem: http://getoffmylawnkid.blogspot.com/2011/01/bands-that-suck-balls-lcd-soundsystem.html called it quits and put us out of our misery by playing their final epic electro dance noise rock show in Madison Square Garden to a sellout crowd of hopping hipsters. Never again will we have to hear their enthralling combination of blips, beeps, synthesizers and talk-singing again. Thank..GOD. For once it wasn't an awesome band that decided to give up the dream. So to LCD Soundsytem we bid you adieu. Listening to hipsters rave about the merits of your whiteboy dance rock and seeing you hop around and press buttons onstage has been...not fun at all. So see you later fucktards. You will not be missed. For those of you keeping score at home that's 1 Band That Sucks Balls down...and about 1,567,890,543 bands to go.

Bands That Suck Balls: THE BEATLES

Generally on this weekly feature I avoid shitting on bands that one would categorize as "classic rock." People will gladly accept criticism of some shitty modern band, but if you criticize a band that happens to be classified as "classic rock" people will really lose their cool. Look at what happened when I mocked Pink Floyd, making completely ridiculous and unfounded statements like "Most people who enjoy Pink Floyd take drugs." I was crucified by both people with attention deficit disorder, and people who felt not liking Pink Floyd indicated I had attention deficit disorder. This is because when it comes to classic rock, you have no choice but to respect and love these bands. You've been told over the years that they're "pioneers," and that they "changed the face of rock music forever" by historians and of course mom and dad. Because of this you are not allowed to express anything but admiration for these bands. One band in particular is the worst example of this syndrome. A band that is not allowed to finish number 2 on any list of the greatest bands, musicians, artists, whatever in rock history. A band tha,t according to music critics, created at least half of the top 10 greatest rock albums of ALL TIME. A band that, no matter what the discussion, is free from ridicule. I am talking of course, about this week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE BEATLES.

God these guys suck so many bowls of nuts. What the fuck is the big deal with The Beatles? They are SO overrated. First of all, lets examine their career, which can basically be split into two separate phases. The first phase of their career was their heartthrob phase when they made teenage girls across the world swoon with a bunch of retarded two and a half minute pop rock songs that I could have written in five minutes. Songs with brilliant lyrics that rhymed "I think you'll understand" with "I wanna hold your hand." Or about loving you "EIGHT days a week" (WTF). Basically a bunch of shitty generic pop songs for kids in the 60s to do the twist to at Spring formal while swinging their hips at least two feet apart from their partner. So nothing in this phase can be associated with rock & roll. During this phase the Beatles were basically N'Sync with bowl cuts and guitars they barely had to strum.

The second phase of their phase of course, was their "innovative" phase. As I've said before "innovative" is often just code for "weird." So it makes logical sense that the Beatles musical "innovation" came after they discovered LSD, expanded their mind and started recording a bunch of nonsensical songs while tripping balls in the studio 24/7. All of these albums are universally considered the most groundbreaking, and revolutionary rock albums ever. Even they often involved songs with stupid kiddie chorus' about walrus,' racoons, and yellow submarines. And their albums used weird production techniques, sound engineering and random instruments the band didn't play like royal trumpets and horns. Since at the time, nobody before them had ever recorded songs about talking animals, and brightly colored sea vessels, or recorded entire "albums" in the traditional sense (with 10 or more tracks on a record, rather than just a pop single with a B side) this was considered grand "innovation." Songs like this stupid jam straight out of a Disney cartoon written by Dr. Seuss were apparently "groundbreaking":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LedUjMuTR7Q&feature=related

The Beatles are often referred to as "The Fab Four." As if to imply that each member brought something unique and amazing to the table, even though in actuality they all pretty much sucked as rock musicians. To the far and distant left we have George Harrison, the lead guitarist who is often known as "The Quiet Beatle." Which is a nice way of saying he was the biggest pussy in the band. George Harrison spent most of his time as a Beatle being the deep, introspective one who learned about Hinduism while meditating with Ravi Shankar, and writing boring songs like "Here comes the sun." His wife Patti spent most of her time fucking Eric Clapton. To the far right we have good old Ringo Starr who doesn't really have a nickname since "The Useless Beatle" or "The Ugly Beatle" aren't really great monikers to have. His only contribution to the band other than shitty drumming and occasional backup vocals was this retarded song straight out of Spongebob Squarepants:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgPqmRNjoTE

The two most famous Beatles pictured in the center, were of course Paul McCartney and John Lennon. Outside of his gig as frontman for the most overrated band ever, John Lennon is mostly known for being a stupid whiney hippie accused by the US government of being a Communist party member, who married an ugly Japanese bitch who broke up the band. Seriously how the fuck were you head of the biggest band band in the world and you ended up marrying this disheveled looking beast from the Far East (rather than one of any number of hot Asian slampieces lining up at the docks of Okinawa)? Not to mention she had the voice of a dying ostritch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzKEix4PXBU&feature=related

Paul was the pretty boy of the bunch that all the chicks loved, and widely considered the mastermind of the Beatles since he was the only one that demonstrated ANY musical talent. I mean at least he went onto a fruitful solo career once The Beatles broke up, with his badass band "Wings" featuring his wife Linda (who wasn't an ugly Japanese woman who sounded like a banshee) and Rad hits like "Maybe I'm Amazed." He did however, write the single most annoying Christmas song ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o8-eLZhrOA

Regardless, Paul at least wrote the few halfway decent Beatles songs, and the band broke up because he didn't get along with Hippie boy Lennon and his ugly ass wife, which I can get behind. So I'll give him some due, although he should have left The Beatles to shine on his own way earlier.

I'm sure I will get plenty of hate mail for this entry since I have never met a person in history that wasn't brainwashed into thinking The Beatles were awesome, or at the very least thought that "you have to respect them." People will probably say they liked my blog, but once I shit on the greatest band ever they lost respect for my writing. They will probably tell me I disrespected a group of rock pioneers and clearly only listen to loud, noisy rock music of no substance. They will also probably stop reading halfway through, ignore the fact that the whole point of my blog is to be funny, and not look at the date of this post and the tags at the end of it, to pick up on what was going on.

Hater Mailbag Volume 2

When we left the anonymous haters of The Lawn they were mocking me for judging bands by their album cover, asking me if I thought anybody actually read this crap, and keeping their critiques of my blog polite with broad statements like "You basically have the worst opinions ever." Even though I named that post "Hater Mailbag Volume 1," and supporters of my warped views requested that I do it again, I have to say I really didn't think there would be a second edition of the Hater Mailbag. I mean how many more haters could possibly come out of the woodwork to voice their negative feedback through anonymous angry commentary? After all my taste in music is impeccable, and I basically have the most logical opinions ever so how many more people could possibly disagree with my brilliant writing? Alas not only did more haters join the parade, they came out in droves. So here I am once again addressing the citizens of hater nation. Without further ado..LETS GET TO THE HATE!

"Atheist Extraordinaire" re: Wilco

"Completely No-Sense Post, really Sucks."

You hate God. I hate Wilco. Two things that aren't gonna change anytime soon. I don't know if you've noticed this but I make fun of all bands in the same manner. They look stupid. Their Music is boring. Their singer is lame. They have no musical talent. End of Rant. Not exactly the most elaborately complicated formula. If I use this method to mock a popular mainstream band or new band nobody's heard of, there are no complaints. If I mock the hip, mainstream but not quite mainstream band everyone respects (for reasons they don't even remember) the feedback is always "this makes no sense" with no further argument. Also, this is not an English sentence. Next time please tell me why my opinion of a shitty band makes no sense writing a sentence that sounds like it was typed by Chief Big Bear from a John Wayne movie. (No-Sense, really Sucks, Make Fire, Bad).

"Ernesto" re: The Strokes

"BY THE TITLES OF YOUR LABELS YOUR A SAD, LONELY, PISSED MOTHERFUCKER. YOU INSOLENT PIG!!!!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCVHpnixj88

MAYBE IF I TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND USE EXCLAMATION POINTS I CAN REALLY HAMMER HOME MY OPINION AND EMPHASIZE JUST HOW MUCH I DISAGREE WITH YOUR STUPID FUCKING OPINION. Oh btw did you see what I just did..? I used the word "your" properly. A skill that you and apparently 90% of the people on the internet don't possess. I think standardized testing of basic 5th grade grammar should be a mandatory requirement of anybody that chooses to express their opinions over the web. Also I'm sorry your parents named you "Ernesto." They apparently assumed you would either grow up to be the tyrannical dictator of a South American country or a plumber with a rape van.

"Andreas Carlbom" re: Pink Floyd

"Hello. I read and liked this blog until you decided to hate on Pink Floyd, likely because you have attention deficit disorder and can't handle anything with more than two chords with a solo sandviched between them. You are free to have your opinions, but please do the world a favor and keep them to yourself. They are of absolutely no value to anybody else. Kisses.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VePxbFQ-qfw

Um..ok. That was quite the drastic change of heart. "I really liked your blog but then you made fun of ONE band I like and now I want you to do the world a favor and shut the fuck up." Jesus. I don't think a bipolar nutjob should be making fun of my A.D.D. symptoms. Also thanks for saying I'm "free to have my opinions" but then telling me I should keep them to myself Stalin. That's certainly what the first amendment is all about. Also who the fuck ends a comment with "kisses" besides my mother? Also I don't know what your definition of music "with more than two chords is," but considering I hate The Strokes I think it's safe to say I like music that isn't "minimalist" garbage. Look people I get that everybody who's ever done mushrooms disagrees with my Pink Floyd post. Feel free to have your opinion, but keep them to yourself and your lava lamp.

"giveemhellkid240" re: My Chemical Romance

"You spend the entire time whining about what they title their music, not about the actual music they make. You can't seem to critique this band with respect or intellect. You never show an ounce of maturity or experience in music, and your article was a complete bore. You fail."

Funny enough "Give Em Hell Kid 240" actually sounds like the name of a shitty hipster punk band that would open for My Chemical Romance on The Warped Tour. Coincidence? This douchebags idea of "giving em hell" is probably wearing a Sex Pistols t-shirt to family Thanksgiving. Also I show a complete lack of "maturity," "respect" and "intellect"..? Um...have you ever read ANYTHING else on this blog? If so you would never associate these words with this site. I'm currently writing angry hater comments in response to anonymous internet critics for fun. Real "mature." I call girls who take group pictures on vacation and post them on facebook "whores." Very "respectful." Every other sentence involves me using the adjective "Rad." Quite the sign of "intellect." Finally, MCR's "actual music" is so horrible it is really beyond elaborate description. They're a goth punk band that makes rock operas. Their singer screams a lot. They suck. What else really needs to be said?

"Matt" re: Phish

I'm curious to what bands Bagzzz listens to? Probably some shitty metal band or Tool. haha...

For the record, since I kinda retired the "Rad Jam" feature, I listen to anything that falls under the genres "Classic ROCK, Party/Jukebox ROCK, Southern ROCK, Blues ROCK" or the general musical classification: Rad. Hippie rock does not fall under any of these categories so sorry I don't like Phish. Also considering you went all the way back through all of my BTSB entries to the very FIRST one you should have noticed that I mocked Tool, so no I don't like them either. And yes I would rather listen to some "shitty metal band" blow out my eardrums with Marshall amps stacked to the sky then take in 17 hrs of noodling and extended keyboard solos from Trey and the boys while dropping acid in 99 degree heat amongst a crowd of people who smell bad.

"balleyterrey" re: Nirvana

"but they did kill shitti poser white boy bands like Guns N' Roses so hats off to them"

Considering this guy comments on everything I write with positive feedback (but apparently missed some of my Non-BTSB posts..notably: http://getoffmylawnkid.blogspot.com/2010/11/friday-afternoon-rad-jam_19.html)

I will give him the kiddy gloves treatment. However, you can't really insult GNR on my blog and remain free from ridicule. I mean...if we lived in a perfect world and I were a music mogul, every rock band today would follow the blueprint of Guns N' Roses. Guns N' Roses is one of those bands that no matter what your taste in rock music...nobody really questions as being completely fucking Rad. I have no idea what a "shitty poser white boy band" is but if that means "Totally badass Bro Rock about sex, drugs, partying, and evading the cops." then that is a totally appropriate label. I don't know that Nirvana "killed them off" considering their blockbuster 2nd album "Use Your Illusion" was still going strong when "Nevermind" came out. I think Axl being a d-bag and excessive substance abuse "killed them off." Which is at least a cooler way for a band to break up than via their sad lead singer shooting himself. Anyways I digress. If you don't think "Appetite for Destruction" is the Raddest album ever made you need to take a second listen ASAP or get your ears checked. End of story.

Well so ends the Volume 2 Hater Mailbag. Once again I thoroughly enjoyed responding to the gallons of Haterade sent my way. Once again if you completely despise me and everything I stand for...don't read my blog. If you disagree with one or two things I say, try to give me the benefit of the doubt in the spirit of good fun, and I assure you, I will probably get back to ranting about bands you hate soon enough. If you support my every statement and are a loyal fan of ALL of my work: You, like me have impeccable taste in music, incontrovertible opinions, and are amongst the remaining top 2% of the population that is still trying to maintain a set of beliefs according to the book of Rad. Until next time, haters: keep hating, Followers: keep following. Being a sad, lonely, pissed motherfucker with A.D.D. who makes no sense, and doesn't show an ounce of maturity or intellect I'll keep relishing all the publicity I can get.

Bands That Suck Balls: COLD CAVE

Last week I returned briefly to skewering a relatively popular mainstream band that happened to suck balls. I mean Wilco isn't exactly mainstream pop radio status like Nickelback, but still most people seem to know who they are, and hold a neutral opinion of them. Since bands like Wilco that have already gotten critical recognition, and headlining spots at lame festivals, hating on them at this point can be somewhat of an exercise in futility. Sometimes it's more fun and a more worthwhile cause to prevent people from listening to new, up and coming shitty bands. Especially since it generally involves hating on hipsters who are a plague on Rad society. So I'm returning to the world of dipshit indie noise rock this week ("The Killers" BTSB entry coming soon enough) with this week's Band That Sucks Balls: COLD CAVE.

I discovered this awesomely non-Rad collection of douchetards courtesy of course of a certain publication that share it's name with a Muddy Waters song. This month's "Band to Watch" apparently. As usual I didn't need to hear a note of their music to come to the conclusion that this band totally gobbled nuts. What kind of name for a band is "Cold Cave." Band names are supposed to reference or imply something totally epic and badass. Nothing could be less epic than spending a day in a frigid cave with three hipsters. I mean one glance at the picture above and you instantly know you're not in store for any awesomeness when you throw on their cd. First, without fail we have our required ingredient for every shitty indie hipster band: an ugly bitch with bangs. Never fails. If you're a hipster band on the cusp of making it, and can't figure out how to round out your lineup...run down to Whole Foods and ask some ugly bitch with bangs if she'll join your band after she's done buying $60 worth of organic products. You'll be on stage 3 in SXSW in no time.

Unlike most hipster chicks Cold Cave's lady member did make the effort to sexify herself with stockings, a mini skirt and big hat. Still doesn't cover up the fact that she has stupid bangs, and a face like Wilbur from "Charlotte's Web." Guy on the right is going with the standard deep, introspective pose for photo look, common amongst bands that take themselves too seriously. He looks like he joined the band after failing to get a gig as an extra in "Inception." Finally we have their assfuck lead singer in the center. I'm not sure if he's going for the early Beatles look with his sweet bowl cut and black/white suit ensemble. Combined with his brooding face, and assfuck retro sunglasses you can tell he is most definitely a hipster who was probably really into Depeche Mode, INXS and other shitty 80s dance pop for white people with no rhythm on lots of coke. Lets take a listen to what these undoubtedtly shittastic outfit sounds like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF3DYO-v1WE

Ok a minute of that just gave me a migraine, lets try again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fzku_5WB5yE

(Watches super lame wet dream of an art student for 2 1/2 minutes before having enough)

Ok well of course that sucked. How do people describe Cold Cave's sound? "Dark synthpop meets punk." How do I describe it? "shitty 80s dance rock with more noise, less melody, and a more depressing feel." Basically something that would be played in the background of a hypothetical coming of age 80's teen drama when Judd Nelson's character dies of a drug overdose. What a piece of shit. First of all, lets get one thing out of they way. "Synthpop" is not a real fucking genre. It's a made up label for rock bands that can't play real instruments and just combine weird keyboard tones and synthesizers with a drum machine to make music for hipsters to dance to in a dark hip club venue where bottle service and a dress code are foreign concepts. I guess the "punk" influence label comes from the first song I played where the band played loud obnoxiously repetitive fuzz guitar in addition to their electronic noise blips. I'm not the biggest punk advocate, but real punk is as melodic as Motown compared to that noisy shit. What is the deal with the lead singer? He just moans in his deep British accent for four minutes about some bullshit he's torn up about.

(Does some quick research...the band is not British..they're from NYC. OBVIOUSLY).

Ok that just makes it worse. This loser just TRIES to sound British? Who the fuck tries to have a British accent (other than that useless cunt Madonna)? British singers don't even try to sound British. Not even a cool Russell Brand Lymie accent where you say "I Fink so" and "tosser" a lot. This guy sounds like he is reading an Oxford professor's lecture over electro synth noise. What a clown. Cold Cave also wins the award for least Rad song titles in history. "The Great Pan is Dead?" Huh? "Love Comes Close..?" Yeah love came close until you scared the bitch away by dimming the lights and throwing on your downer synthpop rock. Oh and the fucking shittastic rock song title to end all shittastic song titles: "The Trees Grew Emotions and Died"

...

WHAT

Are you absolutely kidding me? WTF kind of song title is that for a rock song? That sounds like the title of a poem written by a 2nd grader with a learning disorder. How do trees grow emotions? Who cares if a tree dies? Last time I checked IT'S A FUCKING TREE. Why is that the subject of a rock song. Rock songs are supposed to be about riding upon highways to hell. Being welcomed to the jungle and politely informed that you are gonna die. Sympathizing with the devil. Not about dying trees with feelings. I hope the next time you decide to grow emotions, a tree fucking falls on you, you asshole.

Anyways, these shitheads are not huge (yet) and lets try to keep it that way. If your "quirky" friend encourages you to join them in checking out a cool new band called Cold Cave at the local hipster music venue DON'T GO. You'll be in for one and a half hours of synth rock hell and will get a sudden insatiable urge to murder everyone in sight with an art school haircut nodding and swaying in approval to keep the hair out of their eyes. It's not worth the risk. Don't get suckered into downloading that song of theirs that inevitably gets put in a commercial you see 77 times a day. Keep these assholes out of the world of rock & roll and banish them back to the cold, sad little cave they came from where they are free to grow emotions about trees and die.

Bands That Suck Balls: WILCO

With Rad rock bands rendered pretty much an extinct species, there are basically three types of bands in the world. Bands that suck...bands that reaaally suck...and bands that I am neutral towards. There are a couple of reasons that third category exists. Usually this band is not really "popular" in the general sense of the word (i.e. nobody buys their albums), but is mainstream enough that everyone at least knows of them. Nobody however, LOVES this band or really argues that they are "AMAZING." Everyone just kinda acknowledges that they're solid or "pretty decent" and has seen them at a festival where they were moderately impressed by them. Since I've never been forced to listen to one of their cds, or gotten in a heated argument over their musical merit, I kinda just ignore the band. I assume that they are definitely not Rad, but tolerable enough that I shouldn't go out of my way to despise them. I mean everyone seems to like them, without going out of their way to sing their praises and convince me I should check them out. This band is kinda like that friend of a friend that you've never had more than a 2 minute convo with at a party. You assume he's probably not the coolest person in the world to hang with, but hey he's nice enough and hasn't openly done anything to piss you off. So for the sake of being civil, you're nice to him and never utter a negative opinion about him. Then one day you are forced to actually hang out with him and realize..holy shit...this dude is a complete fucking tool. Why does he have ANY friends? This neutral friend who turns out to be a total loser is This Week's Band That Sucks Balls: WILCO.

Well right off the bat you can tell that this band is definitely not Rad. I mean this photo wins them the award for "The six last people on earth I would want to have my back in a bar brawl. " What's with the loser with the weirdo combover haircut rocking a aqua blue shirt with a dress vest and jeans? He looks he can't decide if he wants to be a waiter, host of a Bravo fashion show or Beck. Then there's the lead singer on the right with his Denim Dan Canadian tuxedo rocking a mini cowboy hat. Definitely doesn't exactly strike me as a badass. For the most part however, I'm nitpicking. This band has a completely neutral appearance. They're not badass by any stretch, but for the most part their look doesn't completely infuriate me. They don't look like a group of insufferable hipster douchebangs or anything. Which is probably why when I've seen them in magazines or briefly on TV I never thought much of them before. Meh. There's that Wilco band a couple of my friends like. They're probably tolerable, not really worth buying a cd of or anything. Heard they put on a solid rock show. Maybe they have a couple songs worth downloading. This is the part of the story where I reach my breaking point and actually (gulp) check out some of the band's stuff online to see what I like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBhj73WtiZU

....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-oimbtVdf4

....

Yeah there is nothing solid about this band. They are not "pretty decent." They don't put on a "good live show." No this band is just a Great Dane sized pile of dog shit. This "rock" band is SO...FUCKING..BORING. I would rather listen to James Lipton read me a book on tape about the habitat of the African dung beetle, then throw a Wilco album on the stereo. This band is like Coldplay on Ambien. Why is this even called a "band?" It's just one guy humming and whining quietly while half the other members softly play their instruments at a barel audible level. I swear there is never a point in a Wilco song where all the band members are simultaneously jamming. Occasionally if one of the band members whose instrument isn't featured on the Wilco track wants to remind you he's there he'll tap a maraca or symbol or click some electronic noise in the background. They are that classic shitty modern band whose sound is just 4 minutes of slowly, quietly building up to...nothing. How in the fuck does this band play at any venue that holds more than 20 people? With my tv muted and nobody in the house, they barely hit ambient noise level. Pretty much the only purpose this band could ever serve would be to provide the soundtrack to a Wes Anderson directed romantic comedy about a love triangle involving Jason Schwartzman, Zooey Deschanel and Ryan Gossling.

(Sidenote. If Norah Jones covers one of your songs...your rock band officially resides in SnoozeVille, USA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvkxPdnsSck&feature=related)

To dig deeper into the roots of the most boring group of douchebags ever, lets see how this band was formed courtesy of Wiki.

"Wilco was formed after the breakup of the popular Alt-country band Uncle Tupelo"

Ok as usual the band is associated with some sort of made up genre of music that sucks dick. WTF is "Alt-Country"..? I assume one guy strummed steel guitar and played harmonica while some singer screeched and somebody in the background tapped a cymbal. So who inspired this band's rocking sound..?

"Wilco draws influence primarily from music created between 1966 and 1974. John Cale's "Paris 1919" was credited by the band as providing a musical parallel."

WTF? So definitely only music from that random eight year period. Anything from 1965 or 1975..Wilco wasn't really feeling. Also of course some random ass album by a founding member of noise rock pioneers Velvet Underground is credited as "providing a musical parallel." Everyone who credits the Velvet Underground as an inspiration can never really explain in plain English why their music is so inspiring. Lets give Wilco a shot:

"It was eye-opening that I wasn't the only one who felt these worlds had a lot in common...That experimentation and avant-garde theory wasn't directly opposed to beauty. Y'know?"

No actually I don't know. That might as well have been fucking Japanese. Also I couldn't hear most of what you were saying over the sound of you loudly snorting your own fart. Can we get a behind the scenes view of the creative process behind a Wilco song?

"The lyrical structure of Wilco's songs was dictated by classic literature and cadavre exquis - an exercise where band members take turns typing lines on a typewriter, but are only allowed to see the previous written line."

(Head explodes)

Remember when the structure of a rock song was dictated by an exercise where band members take turns blowing lines off the ass of a stripper? Yeah..that was cool.

Anyways, Wilco totally sucks balls and it seriously hurts my brain to think about their shittastic alt-country snooze rock any longer. So lets move on to discussing something way cooler..aka tomorrow, which may be the Raddest day of the year. St. Patrick's day...combined with first day of the NCAA tourney. Overload of awesomeness and double the reason to be hammered by 2 pm. Celebrate accordingly. If you're looking to get fired up for a day of slamming whiskey and Guinness, sports gambling, and general rioting don't throw on any Wilco. Instead throw on this brand new Rad jam courtesy of the Dropkick Murphys. You have my word that after listening to this you'll be chugging car bombs, breaking beer bottles and pissing in the streets almost instantaneously. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7g3RuoreRc

Rappers That Suck Balls: WHIZ KHALIFA

Yesterday marked the 14th anniversary of the death of The Notorious B.I.G. If you don't know...now you know..he was arguably the most Rad rapper ever. Biggie was a fucking badass. He started hustling (for you white people "selling drugs) in Brooklyn when he was 12, and did a bid ("jail sentence") before he reached the age of 20. After getting jail he became an "indie" rapper which is to say he was an unsigned homeboy who rapped on the corner in the hood, and recorded demo tapes with money from his lucrative career in crack sales. Once he was signed he made two classic Rad rap albums that detailed his life as a crack dealer, gangster and all around fucking valedictorian from the School of Hard Knocks with a masters degree in keeping it real. Unfortunately, as is wont to happen to those who keep it mad real...his realness went mad wrong and he ended his career as most gangster rappers do..by getting capped ("getting murdered in a drive-by shooting"). So goes life when you're living by the strict gospel of The Ten Crack Commandments.

After Biggie passed gangster rappers and the whole keeping it mad real persona stuck around for a while, but then slowly, just like rock music, rap started to move in a lame direction. Rappers no longer needed to wear giant baggy jeans with timberland boots and rap about shooting people over drug deals gone wrong. Rappers no longer needed to be from "the streets." The "gangsta" in gangsta rap vanished completely and our crack slanging, glock busting heros were replaced by a bunch of retarded party hip hop and hipster backpack rappers. Culminating in the final step in the devolution of the Rad rapper seen in this week's Rapper That Sucks Balls: WHIZ KHALIFA.

God just take a look at Krusty the AssClown. What in all hell is going on with this dipshit? First of all sweet Urkel glasses. Nothing says keeping it real like a prescription from lens crafters that makes you look like a library assistant. Not seen in clear view, he is also rocking a rad winter cap with one of those fuzzy balls on top like your little sister wears while helping shovel the driveway. You would think that the hottest new rapper in the game would have some Rad iced out ("diamond studded") rolex on his wrist that you couldn't buy with two months salary. This fucktard is wearing some weird Casio kid style bright blue watch (or some sort of bracelet). I'm also lost on why he is wearing a two sizes too small Nike Sweatshirt from 1985 like my dad rocks while mowing the lawn. At least when pops wears the retro swoosh hoodie, he doesn't wear skinny jeans that he sags to flash his midriff and undies. You can't sag your tight jeans to show off the Hanes and wear a XS top unless you're parading in San Francisco. Finally he has a backpack on to show he is intelligent, educated and...not hard at all. The backpack is probably filled with...actual textbooks..as opposed to bricks ("Kilos") of cocaine and firearms. BOWWWWRING.

Lets take a listen to some of this fucktards killer rhymes and accompanying Rad rap video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj3DxJcQAIg&feature=related

Well that sucked a hearty bowl of dick. Before we address the actual shitty jam, can we talk about the lamest rap video ever? WTF? Rap videos are only to come in one of three formats.

(A) Video featuring lots of shiny things, expensive automobiles, money being thrown in the air and big booty hos shaking their ass. Subject Matter: Being rich as fuck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK-KFfYA2Vk

(B) Video depicting a Rad ghetto house party (or occasionally BBQ) featuring fridge filled with malt liquor beverages, row of low riders parked in driveway, homies in basketball jerseys or wifebeaters, and big booty hos shaking their ass. Subject Matter: Grindin' and getting wasted. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6TUhx2wX0M

(C) Video about keeping it Mad Real in the hood featuring lots of close up head shots and Rad pointing hand motions, 78 dudes wearing head stomping boots and bandanas, filmed in front of a project building, on top of a project building, or in a project hallway. Subject Matter: Being hard as fuck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP0wsET8__Y

(Note: above 3 options can be replaced with Rad ridiculously high budget video about Killa Beez swarming the city if 78 dudes looking mad real are involved.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isumZjs3dKA

Well I guess "Whiz" (lame rap name) is attempting option B and fails miserably. Really? Coolers of Miller and Coors Light? Where is the fucking malt liquor? This house/pool party looks like it is taking place in your average high-income suburban residence in. What the fuck is with all the WHITE PEOPLE in this video? Why is a rapper hanging out with a bunch of dude bros at a pool party with some average looking white girls named Becky and Candace? Where the hell is the hot Mami' that looks like this?: http://www.celebs101.com/gallery/Gloria_Velez/227892/Gloria_Velez_9.jpg

As for the song itself, Whiz Khalifa decided to be the first rapper in history to pen an ode to smoking weed. The whole hook is just about laying "in the cut" and "rolling doobies up" (repeated 88x). Ok only your uncle the Deadhead talks about rolling "doobies." He also talks about getting "hella baked up" since he's evidently been spending a lot of time at SoCal skate parks. Also the rapping is in some super slow flow where Whiz actually anunciates all his rhymes so you can understand them (lame). The song is really about nothing as far as the verses, as Khalifa just puts together a bunch of random thoughts in couplets that don't rhyme. Long story short this is shitty suburban pool party music with no redeeming qualities. Might as well be listening to 311.

None of this should come as a surprise when you read that Whiz was born in fucking North Dakota, (where there are more moose than black people) and hails from Pittsburgh, PA. Hence his other hit "black and yellow" about the Steelers (Really? A rapper who likes The Steelers?)where he just..yup you guessed it: repeats that "black and yellow" on the hook 88x. I'm not even gonna bother attaching a clip to that 4 minutes of shit you've surely heard blared at a house party/club. Anyways since the Whiz Kid was named "hip-hop rookie of the year" by numerous publications, I'm sure we're in store for a whole summer of Rad rap jams about smoking doobies and crushing coors light at a moderate pace while dressing like a skater hipster Urkel. Just don't expect to hear that bullshit at my house party. I'll be busy keeping it mad real pissing off the neighbors bumping some N-O..T-O..R-I..O US..U just lay down slow: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDLlI5b55bk

Bands That Suck Balls:TV ON THE RADIO

A couple weeks ago I wrote this angry post about how much I hate the modern social networking application known as Twitter: tp://getoffmylawnkid.blogspot.com/2011/02/yall-bitchez-iiz-goin-down-tonite-lol.html. I ranted and raved about how self-indulgent it is to "tweet" your thoughts in 140 characters or less so that your "followers" could hang on your every word and action. I stated..and I quote that Twitter "serves absolutely no purpose and contributes nothing to the daily improvment of our society. Well due to the fact that I am somebody with strong convictions who always stands by their opinions, The Lawn joined Twitter this week, and you can now "follow" short, daily blurbs of my angry opinions if you so wish. Just follow @OFFmyLAWNkid on Twitter. Whatever, It's less time consuming for when I don't have time to write massive rants and you don't have time to read them. And more importantly, it enables me to follow the everyday life victories of Hall of Fame Rad dude Charlie Sheen (more on him soon). Now that I'm done sniffing my own farts, back to the usual purpose of this blog with this week's Band That Sucks Balls: TV ON THE RADIO.

God, this band is permanently at an all you can eat buffet at the cock cafe. What the fuck is this shit? First of all sweet name guys. "TV On The Radio..?" Is this a rock band or the title of a George Orwell novel? As usual in judging a book by its cover, we can easily tell just by a brief glance at the appearance of this band that there is zero chance they rock. Lets just get the obvious statement out of the way with what's going on with um..the right side of this picture. Namely how exactly Rivers Cuomo from Weezer accidentally ended up pledging the black fraternity at NYU. I guess to be fair he does share a love for ironic 50s style glasses with some of his bandmates so they've got that. The guy too his immediate left usually rocks a Cornell West fro and hobo beard and is definitely the member of the bend most likely to be plotting a bombing of a government building. What the hell is the deal with the guy in a Hawaiian shirt? He looks like some Kenyan cab driver they picked up off a corner to play synths. Sweet dress sock/sneakers look clown. Rats nest hair bro on the left seems harmless enough, unless you're worried about him selling your little sister bad acid at Bonaroo before the Ziggy Marley set. In front their lead singer looks like Lebron James modeling Kanye West's summer clothing line for GQ. Of course none of the guys are smiling because they're still all VERY pissed at how we're handling the situation in Darfur.

To get some idea of what sort of audio shit storm we're in for once we pop these guys in the tape deck, lets analyze how they are described.

"TV on The Radio is an American experimental (Noise) rock band formed in 2001 in Brooklyn, New York (birthed in a hipster cafe at def poetry night), whose music spans numerous diverse genres (Random assorment of sounds) From post-punk (Never got that) to electro (Synthesizers and computer blurps) and soul music (Black lead singer)."

Well now lets take a listen to what exactly that jungle of bullshit paragraph actually meant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6FUTNa6WJk

...

WHAT. THE FUCK. WAS THAT? They've got your standard shitty band multi jangling guitar attack. A couple of losers including token white guy just amp up the distortion and wail away on one repetitive guitar chord with a rising noise that never builds into anything. Second of all their lead singer has got to have the worst voice of any black vocalist in music history. MY GOD. That was worse than listening to Fran Drescher laugh while somebody simultaneously scratches their nails on a chalkboard. He starts of with some sort of weird pseudo Prince crooning thing going before he just YELPING like a coyote in random intervals. Not singing, not growling with a metal grunt, not wailing...yelping. Then he intermittently screams and sounds like some kid whose voice is cracking in 7th grade PE class. Then since all shitty hipster bands involve multi-vocal harmonizing in some shitty format Radical Terrorist Afro guy starts screaming in falsetto to add to this mess. The drummer while all this is going on just taps a quick jazz beat while never actually banging out a power drum fill. You would think that a rock band featuring four black members would have some sort of funky soul vibe going for them. Not these guys though. They make Radiohead look like Parliament Funkadelic.

Of course TV on the Radio has already recorded an album of the year winner in the eyes of "Spin," been praised by David Bowie and had their songs featured in countless tv soundtracks and commercials. So...these assfucks are here to stay. I'm sure their soon to be released new album of sounds will feature more yelping and jangling distortion than ever. So get psyched. In the meantime I'll be hurling a tv at the radio the next time I'm forced to listen to these fucktards jam out their newest electro alt rock masterpiece anywhere.

Bands That Suck Balls: THE LOW ANTHEM

This week I was listening the to the classic Rad AC/DC album "Back in Black" while doing mundane tasks at my job that had me "soooo stressed at work!! :(." Anyways's "Back in Black" fucking rules and could be made into a tutorial entitled "How to Rock People's Balls Off: For Dummies," but you already know that. What you may not have noticed without a close listen, is how the song's final track "Rock & Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" really speaks on what makes R&R so Rad and separates it from noise that pollutes our air. With lyrics like "heavy decibels playing on my guitar," and "vibrations coming up from the floor," as well as "Are you deaf? You want some more" we get a clear definition of rock & roll. Namely: "Loud, heavy noise that makes the earth shake, and leaves you wanting more even as you go deaf." I know that description doesn't exactly sound like the complex, thought provoking essay of a Pitchfork writer, but hey that's all there is to R&R. As AC/DC notes at the start of the track "Rock & Roll ain't no riddle man..to me it makes good, good sense." Rock & Roll at its finest isn't complex it's loud, simple, uncut and straight to the point. So..nothing like this week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE LOW ANTHEM.

Well. These guys are certainly lifetime residents of LamesVille, USA. One look at these losers, and it's immediately clear that any music recorded by them is the polar opposite of anything you'd hear on "Back in Black." Look at this picture closely and analyze it like one of those "photo hunt" video games at the counter of your favorite bar. How many douchetastic hipster characteristics can you spot? Well first of all, they got to this festival in the retro VW bug, even though they or their rich suburban parents could have afforded to buy the band a Ford F-150 to transport what little musical equipment they use. I mean honestly, I'm guessing this band probably doesn't stack 10 Marshall amps on stage, so they probably could have fit all their gear into a Mini-Cooper. Next we have weird quirky d-bag on the left rocking both a fedora, and an ironic creeper stache. On the right we have the assclown with the standard tight plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves look. Along with a scarf, old school non-digital Nikon camera (probably from his days as a photography major at an Ivy League school), and unkept rat's nest hairstyle. He's also drinking some beer I don't recognize, probably either some obscure trendy micro-brew or an import beer he grew fond of during a study abroad experience.

Finally we have a girl involved as is the case with all hipster bands. However, this is the one part of the equation that kinda threw me for a loop. She's not an ugly bitch with bangs. Actually she's pretty cute. Also she's not looking off into the distance or posing with a brooding look. She's actually smiling. I can only assume that look of content comes from the fact that she was just railed in the VW by some Rad dude in a Skynyrd t-shirt, while her bandmates wandered around outside discussing ways to make the festival more eco-friendly. Anyways now that we've judged them solely on their lame appearance, lets listen on in on just how much ass these fucksticks DON'T kick:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhNY47xcfM8

....

Well that performance gobbled a giant duffle bag of dicks... First of all, I guess they have a key 4th shitty musician they bring with them on the road to up their music's level of shittiness from poop to explosive audio diarhea. He looks like Zach Galifanakis on heroin and is obviously wearing a giant stocking hat to keep him from catching a cold inside the fridgid CBS studio. He plays what appears to be one of those string instruments you hear on the soundtrack of your local Chinese takeout joint. Using..um...wooden spoons? WTF? The guy with the creeper stache and pony tail (seriously kids he DOESN'T have candy!) apparently plays no instruments and is just a backup vocalist. Great. The lead singer wails in a soft whispering tone akin to somebody humming a lullaby to a baby. Not rocking at all. What is the girl's role you ask? Well when her three gay best friends take a break from their weepy folk harmonizing she steps in and rocks the house with a kick-ass... OBOE solo? Are you fucking kidding me? She could have played idk..a cello...a glockenspiel...really ANY instrument that's not a damn oboe and made this jam more rocking. Oh btw apparently I was wrong about stache guy. He does start playing an "instrument" halfway through, that entails basically..flossing his teeth and plucking.

(Insert angry hipster comment here): "Um actually it's called a vox harmonithimble and is very hard to play!!" (smells own fart).

Yeah whatever. It sucks. Moving on.

Anyways, this fuckface outfit was obviously concocted in the Rad mecca of Providence, RI at Brown University. The two founding members first met and hit it off while DJing an overnight jazz show on the campus radio station that nobody listened to. Wow. The only less Rad band formation story would have been that they met at an abstract art show banquet. I can only imagine how badass that first magical encounter was...

Assfuck Hipster 1: "Man it's really nice to meet somebody whose familiarity with Miles Davis' catalogue actually extends beyond Kind of Blue.." (Farts, inhales own scent)

Assfuck Hipster 2: "Ha, thanks man. I was pretty impressed with those obscure Coltrane B-sides you player earlier. That was some cool stuff.." (Farts, inhales own scent)

(Some blushing ensues, the two dickwads then move in for an almost-makeout session before being startled by the station manager).

Of course since this band blows, they just released a heavily acclaimed album that is adored by jackoff music critics. People who describe them as "Despairing songs at crippled-spirit speed, in stridently antique tones: long sighs of pump organ; the soprano warble of a bowed saw; the rusted-Leonard Cohen whisper of singer-songwriter Ben Knox Miller." Well sorry guy, but to me this band is just noise pollution. It sucks and is certainly not remotely close to Rock & Roll. So get this "Low Anthem" off my lawn and bring me a power chord anthem with some balls that was created in a dirty basement that wreaks of skunk beer and cigarettes. Not an alt-folk douche outfit formed on late night campus radio.