Friday, October 29, 2010

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

It's Halloween weekend which means it's the one time all year you get to dress up as someone other than your boring self. You don't get to just throw on a polo shirt and some khakis and head out for a night on the town. No, you have got to put some effort into this evening's wardrobe. You've gotta dress up us something clever or hysterical. You gotta rock a costume that immediately sparks a convo when you step into a room and/or ensures you get laid. Cover every item that perfectly compliments your ensemble, paint your face, whatever it takes. Well what if you had to go through this routine 365 days a year? That would certainly be a pain in the ass. You would have to be the band responsible for this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam(s): KISS.

It's really a miracle that defies science that Kiss is still alive and well today. I mean you would just naturally assume that these guys would have overdosed on Rad by now. Today when you go to a concert, you pay $50 for some dickhead band to come on stage dressed in jeans and t-shirts, sleepwalk through their 10 most popular songs, and then you head home. This is NOT how Kiss rolls. Kiss does not fuck around when it comes to putting on a Show. The members of Kiss all paint their faces with awesome makeup. They throw on all black spandex outfits. They rock totally rad boots and wear spikes and studs. There are fucking FLAMES and fireworks bursting up all over the stage, and they fly over the audience spewing blood everywhere. Oh and btw they play some pretty badass rock and roll too. For Kiss it is Halloween year round, and dressing up Rad is essentially their full time job. Enjoy your weekend ghouls and goblins, you are the kings of the nightime world.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: NIRVANA

There are numerous ways by which you can cement your place in rock history as an all-time great legendary band. You do this by actually recording a bunch of totally kick-ass albums and memorable rock anthems. Or you can do this by being an innovator and doing stuff musically that hadn't been done before. The quickest path however, to historical rock legend status is death. It is a well known fact in life generally that people gain a greater appreciation for you when you die. This is true of presidents, actors and especially of musicians. If you're a band and your lead singer dies this theory is applied tenfold. No band better exemplifies the dead rock star theory than this week's Band That Sucks Balls: NIRVANA.

Look I know you like Nirvana. Everybody that grew up as a child of the 90's liked Nirvana at some point. Nirvana burst onto the scene from the Seatlle underground scene in 1991 with their sophomore album "Nevermind" and the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit." At the time people had grown tired of "cheesy" bands with big hair and leather pants that only sang about sex, drugs, and having a good time (aka bands that were totally Rad). So the public wanted to hear something different. Nirvana stepped up to the plate and gave the people that different rock sound they were looking for. They mixed distortion, punk rock, and angry emotional lyrics and birthed a "genre" known as Grunge. And everybody loved it. Kids stopped wanting to wear leather jackets, metal bracelets and torn jeans. Now they all wanted to wear flannel, corduroy pants, and skater shoes. Nobody wanted to form bands in their garage that sang about chicks and partying it up anymore. Now they wanted to sing about how angry they were, and how much they despised their daily existence.

You see Nirvana capitalized on a fact that people had known for years: Kids are pissed off. No matter how comfortable their lives might be, kids are going to be unhappy about something. Especially around the time they are heading to middle school. They hate school. They hate that they're hitting puberty. They fucking HATE their parents. Mark my words when your kids turn 12 they will despise you for one reason or another. Back in the day kids used to deal with their anger and hatred for their parents by losing themselves in the sounds of awesome rock and roll. Kids loved rock and roll because it took them away to a fantasy world they could never fathom being a part of. Then Nirvana came along and decided rock and roll should be music that kids COULD relate to. Music about being misunderstood, underappreciated and solemn. Music about "angst." Music that is not all.

Nirvana was huge during the early 90's but it wasn't until one fateful day in April of 1994, that they established their place among rock legends. Kurt Cobain who loved doing heroin and was bi-polar, went on a bender and got super depressed about either the realization that he was married to Courtney Love or the fact that he had run out of heroin. So he did what any logical depressed individual would do and stuck a shotgun in his mouth and blew his brains out. As soon as this happened Kurt Cobain was no longer just an angry rock frontman for a popular band. Now he was AN ICON. He was a misunderstood genius that nobody appreciated. He was that rare rock star that DIDN'T want to be rich and popular. Nirvana and the music they created wasn't just a trend that the kids were into. They were pioneers that had revolutionized rock and roll forever. Today over 16 years after Kurt Cobain's suicide people still classify Nirvana as an iconic band of innovators that changed the face of music, and completely overlook the fact that Nirvana actually totally sucks balls.

Have you actually listened to a Nirvana CD recently? There is nothing impressive about their music. Kurt Cobain couldn't really sing so he just kinda snarled and growled throughout Nirvana songs except during the hook when he would start screaming. His lyrics were total bullshit that coincidentally sounded like the crazed rambling of a heroin addict. He fucking SUCKED at playing guitar. Kurt Cobain actually appears high on lists of revolutionary rock guitarists. WHY? A Nirvana guitar solo is just a bunch of distortion noise that sounds like Kurt was just dragging his axe across the stage and intermittently kicking it. The only member of Nirvana with any musical chops was Dave Grohl whose talents obviously weren't discovered until after Kurt Cobain shot himself and he was allowed to actually play music that was fun and be happy occasionally.

Even if you own any Nirvana CDs from your days of teenage angst..admit are never "in the mood" to listen to Nirvana. Who the fuck just sits around and says to themself "You know what? I could really go for a song called RAPE ME right about now." Who wants to jam out to lyrics like "I wish I could eat your cancer?"The most universally acclaimed Nirvana CD is their MTV Unplugged album obviously since it was the last music the recorded before Kurt Cobain's death and the band's first posthumous release. Nirvana Unplugged fucking blows. It's like Nirvana said "hey our music isn't depressing enough, how bout' we strip our songs down to a slow acoustic pace, add a standup bass and really encourage our listeners to slit their wrists." Basically listening to Nirvana unplugged is like entering the world's gloomiest coffee shop on a rainy day. If I ever call you and say that I'm spending an evening by myself listening to Nirvana's unplugged album, you can safely assume it is the last convo you will ever share with me as I will be hurling myself off my balcony halfway through track 6.

The thing that sucks about Nirvana is that Kurt Cobain died before the band got a chance to experience the backlash of people realizing that their music sucked. That their "sound" was nothing more than a trend or a fad. Once a musician dies you can no longer be critical of them because that would be insensitive. So Nirvana's "legacy" will remain intact. A legacy present today in the form of countless shitty bands that can't play their instruments for dick and sing about being miserable. A legacy safe in the hands of a generation that would rather sit in a corner and cry about their problems, than go out and forget about their misfortune by having a good time. Thanks a lot Kurt Cobain, you stupid asshole, now rock and roll is no longer allowed to be fun. Thanks to you the party's over.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Texas Sized Pride

I reside in the great Republic of Texas, and this weekend was a trumphant one as the Texas Rangers advanced to their first World Series in franchise history. Now you might be saying to yourself, "but....the Rangers Aren't the three most popular sports in Texas...high school football, college football, and professional football?" Well yes they are, but Texans are always willing to support anything that will further proclaim their supremacy over the rest of the nation. So as of Wednesday at 7pm everyone in the state will suddenly own a Rangers hat and be glued to their televisions rooting on the Rangers as they take on the San Francisco Giants. If they prevail Texans will one more reason to tell foreigners why their state sucks balls compared to the lone star republic. For now they have at least these five:

1. Cholesterol Combo#3
People in other parts of the country are constantly trying to find ways to eat healthier. Veggie burgers. Low Carb diets. Wheat pita sandwiches. The works. Meanwhile on a daily basis Texan food establishments are doing everything they can to get us on the fast track to a triple bypass. Texas does not give a fuck about your fancy nutrition facts. Texas has barbeque. They have quadruple decker cheeseburgers. They have quadruple decker cheeseburgers topped with barbeque. They have REAL Mexican food. You know how at Tex-Mex restaurants they put cheese wiz in a bowl and call it queso? In Texas, they melt flaming cheese in a bowl mix it with chorizo sausage and call it "queso." Texas has an entire state fair devoted to finding new items to deep fry every year. Deep fried bacon, deep fried ice cream, deep fried twinkies. You name it. I hope to spend the rest of my life living in the lone star state surviving on a Texan diet, even though that means I probably won't see 35.

2. Pewwwwww!!
Other states are all about bitching about gun control. "We can't have people carrying guns! They're so dangerous!! People shouldn't have guns in their homes! What if a child gets a hold of it??" Texans on the other hand love them some 2nd Amendment Rights. "What do you mean we can't all have guns in our homes you liberal pussies?? Fucking 2nd Amendment!" (If you argue with a Texan that the 2nd amendment is kinda outdated considered it was framed around a time where people NEEDED to bear arms to protect themselves from will be shot). In Texas renting a gun is about as easy as renting a dvd. "Um's this here form that says y'all will promise not to like..go on a shooting spree. Initial here. Enjoy your revolver." This does not however, mean you're constantly at risk to get hit by a stray bullet walking the streets of a lone star city. You see in Texas everybody was taught the proper way to use a firearm at an early age. And everybody has a gun. So I mean nobody is gonna randomly point their gun at somebody else knowing that there is an 80% chance they are also an armed NRA member.

3. Ignorant Music
The rest of the country is always trying to wow you with their cultured taste in music. Oh look we're in Brooklyn listening to the hippest indie rock. Oh look we're the midwest with our up and coming conscious rappers. Oh we're out West at the trendiest new hippie jam band festival. Texas on the other hand is totally content with clinging to their favorite ignorant genres of music and blaring it loud. Texas country music is not like Billbooard 200 country. No cute songs about riding big green tracors, or Taylor Swift power ballads about the boy next door. Texas country music is about getting drunk, screwing, fighting, and ultimately shooting somebody with a 12 gauge shotgun. In other words totally rad. While other areas are all about their "backpack" rap and insightful political hip-hop, Texas is one of the few places left where gangster rap is still thriving. Texas rap is all about pimping hos, slanging dro, putting diamonds in your mouth, and getting fucked up on syzzurp. You won't see Paul Wall and Bun B rapping about the plight of Haitian earthquake survivors anytime soon.

4. Catering to Stereotypes
People in other parts of the country are constantly trying to dispel stereotypes you might have of folks in their region. People from Jersey want you to think they're NOT all Ed Hardy wearing guido meatheads that love techno music. People from Massachusetts don't want you to think that they all have accents right out of "The Departed" that require annunciating like a six year old. People from Texas however, don't give a fuck about your stereotypes. In fact they are more than willing to embrace them. If you went up to a Texan and said I bet you have a ranch, own a giant belt buckle, cowboy boots, two firearms, and love George W. Bush, they would reply "yes, of course I do, I'm from fucking Texas, what's your point?" Texans know they are unique and different from people hailing from any other part of the country and they love it. They could give less than a shit that if you think they talk funny, dress funny, or have warped political views. They are who they are, and damn proud of it. Speaking of which....

5. State Pride
Texans are the most proud, patriotic people on the entire planet (I say "patriotic" because Texans truly believe their republic is it's own country). Nobody loves their home more than Texans. EVERY building in Texas flies the state flag over it. I can say with 100% confidence that no other state does this. Texan children are raised to know Texas history, pledge allegiance to the Texas flag, and sing Texas songs. If you meet somebody from Illinois you might not learn this fact until you've known them for at least an hour. If you travel to Cincinnati, you won't hear people saying "This is fucking Ohio that's how we do shit up here!!" at every available opportunity. Only Texans have this sort of state pride. They are Texans, they know everything is bigger and better in Texas and they will not hesitate to tell you so. If you aren't in agreement you can just get the hell out somebody stomps you with their cowboy boots, slaps you with an oversized belt buckle, or shoots your ass. Texas: Not to be fucked with since 1836.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

You might think to yourself..if you're a member of a totally Rad band, life is always easy. You go out on the road and rock audiences nationwide. You do copious amounts of drugs, drink free booze, and bang groupies. You might say, "hey those guys never have a reason to feel down about life the way normal people do." Well that is total bullshit. Even if you're overdosing on awesome on a daily basis you still occasionally feel an emotion. Even people that win at life 99% of the time experience pain and heartbreak. Totally kickass rock n' roll bands however, don't deal with their breakup with that one special stripper they met on the road the way some modern band would. Which is to say they don't write some pussy emo acoustic ballad about their feelings and cry in their basement. No. A badass Rock N' Roll star drinks a bottle of Jack, picks himself up and writes an epic power ballad about how he's gonna survive without that ungrateul bitch. Something like this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: Whitesnake's HERE I GO AGAIN.

This song is beyond Rad. The song starts off slow with an extended keyboard section for about a minute. (key element of an emotionall rad jam). Whitesnake wants you to feel the emotion of their suffering. Then however, BAM the band breaks into full rockout mode. At this point you have no choice but to do an air drum fill. You can tell these guys have quickly gotten themselves off the mat and are ready to take on the world again. First of all not only did lead singer David Coverdale get over the breakup that inspired this song, but he moved banging Tawny Kitaen. Tawny Kitean was THE video vixen back in the 80's. She is The hot piece of ass in this video seen writhing all over cars in this video. What better way to get back at your ex than to write a totally Rad breakup power ballad and then make a video for it showcasing your new hottie lady friend?

You see back in the day you didn't have to make an artsy music video to get noticed on MTV. You didn't have to run on treadmills in unison or have puppies jumping over sets of cones to make a cool video. You just had performance shots + hot chicks = Rad video. Also notice that at no point in this song does Coverdale smile. Even if a sexy redhead is grinding all up on him in the car he is still gonna emphasize the pain and emotion he feels driving down the only road he's ever known. So despite any heartbreak you may be feeling currently, get out there and enjoy your weekend, because like drifters we were all born to walk alone.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: TRAIN

When I was growing up there were two music networks, MTV and VH1, that played two distinctly different types of music. MTV played rock and rap videos. VH1 played music that sucked dick. You could immediately listen to a band and designate which channel their music videos would be played on. If a band was edgy and featured a parental advisory sticker on their CD they were an MTV band. If a band sounded like Hootie and the Blowfish or something from the Lilith Fair lineup they belonged on VH1. Then of course music all blended together into being one big melting pot of suck. Bands that were "cool" disappeared. A bunch bands decided they were gonna make the same brand of shitty pussified soft VH1 rock. Today, almost half the popular bands out are "VH1 bands" led of course by This Week's Band That Sucks Balls: TRAIN.

Train is a piece of shit. First of all, look at these losers. They could be the poster child for a new picture website called "bands that dress like dickheads" They're like "hey we're a bunch of conservative, mature middle aged guys, we should probably have our wardrobe supplied by Lands End's winter catalog." Nice fitted gray v-neck sweater. Pea coat. A nice casual train conductor hat. We could fit right in with a crowd of yuppie douchebags on their laptops at Starbucks. Wait...but...we're rock stars. We have to look...edgy. I've got it. The lead singer will wear leather pants with his v-neck. One guy will have stylish but slightly torn jeans. And douche #3 will be the one member with sunglasses. SWEET. Now we look badass! No you don't. You guys look like a couple of newly divorced middle aged losers hitting up the club on a Friday night. You should change the name of your band from Train to "Home Depot" because you are a massive collection of tools.

Aside from the fact that they look like clowns, Train's music itself of course blows. If Jason Mraz and the Goo Goo Dolls combined the worst elements of their respective styles and formed some sort of VH1 super-group, they would be Train. All their songs are some convoluted metaphor for an awkward quiet girl wandering around a coffee shop waiting for Mr. Right to sweep them off their feet. Somebody that does funny, quirky things like drinking coffee at midnight. You only know this because the word "she" arises repeatedly throughout their songs. Otherwise you would never figure out that "Meet Virginia," or "Calling all you Angels,"or "Drops of Jupiter" are songs about chicks. Their singer sings in a a breezy upbeat tone, sounding kinda like every coffee shop's solo acoustic performer if he actually got a band behind him. And he fucking SMILES when he sings. You CANNOT SMILE WHEN YOU'RE SINGING A ROCK SONG. It is completely against the rules. If you smile while singing you are not a rock frontman. (The exception being a quick, evil smirk and wink to the crowd while saying something cool like "squeeze my lemon till the juice run down my leg.").

Train was largely popular during the late 90's and early part of the millenium. Then as you would hope would happen to an utterly talentless group of asshats, their career fizzled out and they disappeared. At least for 3-4 years we were free of Train's VH1 balladeering. This year however, they realized that a brilliant way to get back on the charts would be to write a song perfectly suited to be an annoying advertising jingle. So they wrote "Hey Soul Sister" also known as THE WORST FUCKING SONG EVER. These jackoffs actually decided to write a whole song based around a ukelele riff. Obviously the lyrics include such brilliant couplets as "Like a virgin you're Madonna, and I'm really gonna Wanna" and rhymes "radio" with "stereo." There an annoying repetitive "Heyyyyyy" singalong part to it. Everything about this song makes me want to hurl bricks at baby strollers.

Of course an annoyingly simple song like this is bound to get in your head so EVERY commercial uses it. Seriously I'm not exaggerating when I say I hear this song at least 20 times a day. Jesus. Enough already. Just because your company picked a catchy song that sticks in my head does not mean I'm gonna remember to buy your fucking phone, or TV or whatever the hell you're selling me. In fact I'm prone to not even pay attention to what shitty product you're selling me now that I've heard that goddamn Soul Sister song and changed the channel within three seconds to avoid having my head explode from rage. Go away Train. Even the awkward quiet girl at the coffee shop is sick of your breezy melodies. Please stop making music and go model outfits for Old Navy's adult male line. Douchebags.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


This week I was sitting around bored and Rocky IV happened to pop on Spike. Rocky IV is totally rad. For those of y'all that aren't Americans or history majors, it is a well known fact that Rocky Balboa's defeat of Ivan Drago in Moscow in 1985 singlehandedly ended the Cold War. After all if he could change, we all could change. If the final rounds of the epic Balboa-Drago clash is on tv I'm immediately gonna stop what I'm doing and take a seat. Anyways watching Rocky IV got me thinking, whatever happened to epic fighting movies?

Back in the day fight movies were all the rage. There was the Rocky series. There was "Kickboxer" and "Bloodsport," and "Lionheart." There was "Best of the Best." There was the Karate Kid trilogy (I don't acknowledge any Karate Kids without the Miyagi/Russo tandem). Then a bunch of asshole execs in Hollywood decided to stop making these brilliant films. WHY? These movies were awesome. Although all these movies didn't have the EXACT same plot, they were all pretty much based around the same basic themes. Since Hollywood has apparently forgotten the flawless formula to an epic fight movie, I will now present it.

1. Tragedy Strikes
The hero in every fight movie is a reluctant warrior. He needs some sort of motivation to get himself in the ring and pummel somebody. So generally somebody close to him has to die or at the very least get crippled at the beginning of the movie. Ideally this tragedy is caused by the very same asshole that he will meet in the ring for a final epic battle. Think Kurt Sloane's brother getting crippled in "Kickboxer." Balboa having to deal with the tragic deaths of Mickey and then Apollo in back to back Rocky flicks. I guess there wasn't really a tragedy in the Karate Kid series other than the fact that Elizabeth Shue was somehow dating Danny Russo. Whatever, moving on.

2. A Super Evil Villain
If you're gonna go out and fight somebody they might as well be a total dickhead. Somebody that fights dirty. Somebody with no morals whatsoever. Somebody that will stop at nothing to prevail in the ring, even if it means putting somebody in a wheelchair or a body bag. A complete fucking asshole. Remember what Ivan Drago says as Apollo is lying bloody and motionless on the canvas? "If he dies.....he dies." What a cock. You just killed a dude in an exhibition match you Commie bastard. The Cobra Kai in Karate Kid? Total pricks. Their DoJo instructor actually told his kids to snap people's legs in a youth karate tournament. That's like a little league coach telling his pitcher to bean members of the other team in the head. I never understood how every single douchebag kid in the valley managed to find the DoJo led by an asshole karate master in Karate Kid btw. Seemed like a pretty random coincidence.

3. An Older, Wiser Mentor/Trainer
Mr. Myagi is the most obvious example of this of course. A crazy old kook with unorthodox training methods is always needed in order for a fighter to succeed. What he's putting you through may not make sense now, but at some point it will assist you in the wrong. He's not making you scrub fences for the hell of it Daniel-San. He's teaching you how to block punches. Mickey didn't make Rocky chase chickens in the street for his own amusement. He was developing Balboa's quickness so he could stick and move with more athletic black dudes. Frank Dux in "Bloodsport" had a crazy old chinese dude who used to make him practice blindfolded. Well that seems pretty retarded. Yeah...until Chong Li fucking blinds you in the ring and you are forced to defeat him by maximizing your other senses. Without a looney old dude training you, or at least a veteran mentor (think Apollo in Rocky 3) you will not succeed in battle against a bigger, stronger, evil opponent.

An epic fight movie without a montage is like a Tyler Perry movie without a cookout. You HAVE to have a montage. If possible you should have multiple montages. Montages are key in a fight movie because they show the audience every stage of a fighter's development from unprepared amateur to pure human killing machine. Normally when you think of how a fighter prepares for a match, you think gym, weight lifting, punching bag. Yeah well when you're preparing to fight a 6-6 psycho on steroids you need to put a little extra into your training regimen. You have to go running somewhere in public for sure. Preferrably through the broken down back streets of your city. In the cold. With a hoodie on. If possible run through the snowy mountains of Siberia in sub zero temperatures. You also use primitive training equipment. You don't lift weights, you lift giant logs. You don't punch bags, you punch blocks of wood and bricks. A fight movie montage is always set to a totally Rad rock pump up jam about fighting to be the best, or fighting to survive, or having a fire burning inside you.

5. An EPIC Final Battle
You would think that after being inspired by tragedy, trained by an old man, and running through mountains and carrying wood you are actually overprepared for your matchup with the gigantic villainous asshole you're finally facing. Yeah right. The whole reason you needed every bit of your unorthodox training regimen was because this fight was going to be fucking EPIC. No hero in a fight movie just walks in and knocks out the asshole they're facing in the second round. Initially in the final battle of a fight movie, our warrior actually seems completely overmatched. He's totally getting his ass beat. He can't block any punches. Every blow he lands does nothing to his opponent. You can tell he has been secluded out in the mountains, punching bricks blindfolded rather than like...actually sparring with people.

Then however, he remembers why he is here. He thinks back to the tragedy this asshole caused. He hears his trainer/or fallen compadre cheering him on in his head. He realizes he didn't put in this much work to come up here and go out like a chump. So he gets up off the canvas and goes FUCKING BONKERS. He lands combo after combo. He dodges every punch. His opponent realizes that all the physical ability in the world can't defeat HEART. The crowd notices just how much heart this warrior has, and no matter who they initially put money on, now they are cheering for him. He knocks giant super asshole the fuck out and emerges victorious. The movie closes with him pumping his fist in the air in a still shot. Montage pump up jam comes on. Roll credits.

There you have it. Five easy steps to creating the perfect epic fight movie. Follow these directions Hollywood, and you will not fail. Now somebody get out there and make me a movie where fists and roundhouse kicks are flying in the ring. I don't wanna see a movie about rap battles. I don't want to watch a movie where rival gangs have dance-off showdowns. I want a fight movie. I want A FUCKING MONTAGE.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Living in a Fantasy World

Today is Tuesday, which means that another week of the NFL season is in the books. Normally this would spark a morning of water cooler discussions regarding the implications of the division standings through six weeks. Or perhaps talk of how injuries have affected the top Super Bowl contenders. Maybe people might even engage in trash talk about how their team just won a tightly contested matchup with their arch rival. At least that's how things used to work. Today however, every discussion begins and ends with talk of how everyone did this weekend in their "league." In the modern world it is impossible to talk about the NFL anymore without mention of Fantasy Football.

Fantasy Football is fucking retarded. The concept (for the three people other people out there not in "a league") is that you and ten of your buddies get together and have a draft, where you pick players for your respective "teams." These players are ranked via how many points they can get you through gaining yards, scoring touchdowns etc. Each week you "play" against another "fantasy owner" and whoever's team scores the most points as a result of their players having the most gaudy stats, wins. Points, wins and standings are recorded and tallied through an online website. Does this not sound like the geekiest thing in the world? Well it is. Except fantasy football owners aren't scrutinized and mocked in society in the same manner that say..a bunch of nerds who play role playing games with armies of wizards and dragons are. The name after all includes the term "football" and the game requires watching lots of football on a weekly basis, so fantasy football is considered just as manly an activity as fishing or going to a strip club.

I played fantasy football once and it was a miserable experience. Fantasy football renders you unable to focus on just...being a fan and rooting for your favorite franchise to win each week. You have to watch every game and not just yours. You can't just roll out of bed on Sunday morning hungover and head straight to the sports bar, you have to run to the computer to "update" your roster before noon. Then you get in those awkward situations where you have a player on your fantasy squad that plays for the opponent of your favorite team. "Well we really need this win against the Texans to make the playoffs, but I need 17 points from Andre Johnson to take the lead in my league." Or somebody on your team scoring the winning touchdown, but happens to be on the "roster" of a rival fantasy owner. What a dilemma! Who should I focus on cheering for today?? What 4 tvs do I absolutely have to be watching at all times?? Fuck that bullshit. I don't want to have to remember to do something on Sunday morning, before I go to the bar. I like to focus on my team's game and maybe one other game that involves the team ahead of them in the standings. That's it. If you're an NFC East fan you shouldn't be screaming at the TV with the Bengals-Jaguars game on it.

Obviously most fantasy football owners are by nature actual football fans who have a favorite team they root for every Sunday. There are however, an increasing number of people who have no personal rooting interest in the NFL that only care about fantasy football. I fucking LOATHE these people. Do you know why I despise these fucking scumbuckets? These people always interrupt a conversation about actual football and relate it back to how their fantasy team is doing.

Co-Worker: "Hey man tough loss for your boys yesterday." Horrible holding call on that kick return.

Me: "Yeah I know. Total bullshit. I have no idea how that was a block in the back."

Dickhead Fantasy Guy: "Shit well if it makes you feel better, This retard over here decided NOT to start Joe Flacco...when the Ravens were playing the Patriots!! Everyone knows the Pats have the 29th ranked pass defense I mean DUH!!"

Jesus Christ, fuck you dude. I'm trying to get over a heartbreaking overtime loss that put my squad in last place in the division. I don't give a shit how your stupid fantasy team did this weekend. Oh sorry you endangered your chances of winning that $200 prize in two months. Which is now only $100 since you invested in 20 strategic moves to improve your roster. Waaaah. Nobody cares how "Chariots of Fire Crotch" is doing in the Yahoo standings.

What pisses me off the most about fantasy football, is that it is EVERYWHERE now. You can't avoid it. Since so many people across the nation love it, real sports media outlets actually cover it every week. There are guys on ESPN who are fantasy "experts" that tell you who are the fantasy stars of each game. There are people that write fantasy "draft guides" for magazines. How did these dorks get jobs? By memorizing and analyzing the league leader statistics? There is even a sitcom on FX ("The League") that is devoted ENTIRELY to fantasy football. That is not funny at all. "The League" is kind of like "Everybody Loves Raymond" if all the jokes about your wife withholding sex from you involved fantasy football transactions. Well I'm sick of all this. I don't want fantasy football analysis on ESPN. I don't wanna read about who each week's "fantasy studs" are. I don't wanna watch anything about fantasy football. I just wanna be a football fan and discuss real-life football. So if you wanna discuss ACTUAL pigskin, let me know, but if you're only interested in talking about how Michael Vick's ailing ribs affect "Roethlisberger Rape Brigade's" roster, I'd rather put on my headphones and listen to a Coldplay record.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

You might not think it, but sometimes there are certain pitfalls that come with being a totally rad band. Due to your loyal commitment to being totally badass at life 24/7 there is a high probability that somebody in your band might one day...die. One of your amazing party weekend benders might actually end with dire consequences. Worst case scenario...the band member that passes away from overdosing on awesomeness ends up being your lead singer. What do you do now?? Well if you are a total pussy band you say "waaaah. Our lead singer died. We can't go on. :(" If you are a totally RAD band however, you say "fuck this, we're gonna suck it up and come out of this. We will not only move on from this, but we will come out bigger and better than ever." In other words you are the band featured in this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: AC/DC - Have a Drink on Me.

In 1979 AC/DC had just emerged as one of the biggest hard rock bands in the world with their amazing album "Highway to Hell." They were led by epic singer Bon Scott who absolutely screamed every note like it was his last. Well one evening Bon partied a little "too hard" (I know..oxymoron) and ended up kicking the bucket. According to wikipedia his official cause of death was "death by misadventure." This is obviously a fancy technical term for "death from excessive ingestion of Radness." Anyways AC/DC could have taken the easy way out and hung it up right then. Instead they picked themselves up off the floor, hired a new totally badass lead singer and recorded another album. An album that ended up being their highest selling album ever and one of the greatest rock albums ever recorded. An album called "Back in Black."

"Back in Black" and AC/DC in general totally kicks ass. Have you ever tried to have a nice quiet evening listening to AC/DC? Yeah no, cus it's fucking impossible. Seriously the other weekend a couple friends and I were sitting around chilling out watching football. Then I threw AC/DC on the stereo. Next thing I knew we had crushed a liter of bourbon and were hurling objects off my balcony while screaming at the top of our lungs. We literally had no control over these events. AC/DC just has this effect on people. It's science. One of my favorite tracks on Back in Black is obviously "Have a Drink on Me," a totally Rad jam about...getting wasted. I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to go out and have a drink on me this weekend. Don't worry about the check we;ll get hell to pay.

Bands That Suck Balls: R.E.M.

There was once a time when if you were a rock band, you could only fall into a couple sub-classifications under the mass genre of Rock N' Roll. Maybe you threw a little slide guitar in your reportoire and called yourself a blues band. Maybe your band had a country twang in their sound and you fell under Southern Rock. Maybe your band just played fast and angry and called themselves a heavy metal band. And then of course sometimes you were just a band that played good old ass-shaking jukebox jams that could only be classified as simply Rock N' Roll. At some point however, when people that couldn't play good music decided there should be still be a market for their sound, a new genre was born. A genre known as "Alternative Rock" that was invented by This Weeks Band That Sucks Balls: R.E.M.

Fuck R.E.M. This untalented collection of cock-gobblers were formed in the original hipster rock mecca of Athens, GA in the early 1980s. Athens was kind of like the original Austin, Texas that prided themself on birthing all the hottest indie-rock bands that were adored by stoned art majors. Legend has it that the members of R.E.M. met at the local independent record shop and bonded over their similar taste in shitty music.

"Whoa dude is that a Velvet Underground Record??"

"Whoa bro are you picking up a little known Patti Smith LP??"

"Whoa man it seems we both listen to music that just sounds like noise recorded by friends of Andy Warhol after a heroin bender!! We should form a band!!"

Apparently R.E.M. slowly gained an underground following during the 1980s and gained critical praise with the recording of each of their first couple albums. If you were young and only knew about music on the radio however, you probably didn't know much about R.E.M. though. This is because in the 1980s if you wanted to be mainstream and get on the radio your band had to actually be...good. I know it sounds crazy. Then 1990 came around and people stopped being interested in listening to songs about sex, drugs and having a good time and alternative nation broke through to the mainstream, led by R.E.M. Sure you might say Nirvana were the forefathers of "alternative rock" but ask Nirvana and any shitty alternative band afterwards who inspired them and they are sure to name drop R.E.M. They were the first band to truly inspire anybody that didn't possess the ability to play a guitar solo.

The first time most people remember R.E.M. really emerging on the mainstream scene was with their song "Losing My Religion." The video featured lead singer Michael Stipe pacing around and doing a hippie dance singing some bullshit depressing lyrics while R.E.M.'s guitarist plays a mandolin. Led Zeppelin is pretty much the only band that can get away with playing a mandolin and look cool. Then they made that fucking song "Shiny Happy People." God what a piece of shit. You are supposedly a "rock" band. Nobody wants to hear your garbage sing-along flower power folk anthem you pussies. Oh and of course there is "Everybody Hurts." When real bands sing about daily hurt and sorrow they drink a bottle of Jack and play a badass blues jam about their personal misfortunes. See: Stevie Ray Vaughan. They don't record a 6 minute emo whine fest with one droning repetitive six note guitar riff that never builds into anything rocking.

R.E.M. as I just mentioned is fronted by Michael Stipe and he is a total jackoff. He's basically like Bono if Bono always had a sad, introspective facial expression. "Oh look at me I'm Michael Stipe, I'm so deep and insightful, I look like such a artist. Listen to me tell you about helping out the people of Burma." Fuck you Michael Stipe. Your music sucks and yet you have sold 30 million albums. You invented a genre that is basically an "alternative" option to playing real rock music. You have nothing to be sad about. If anything you should be walking around with a shit-eating grin 24/7 because you somehow convinced an entire generation of idiotic hipster college kids to not only embrace your music, but form shitty bands of their own. Also, real rock frontmen have long flowing manes of hair like greek gods. They don't look like leukemia patients. Fuck you, fuck your shitty band, and fuck your bullshit causes you bald asshole.

R.E.M. was recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, further validating their undeserved "rock" legacy. Giving further hope to the up and coming "The Decemberists" of the world that they have a reason to pursue their Rock N' Roll dreams. Well they don't. Alternative rock blows dick. If you don't have the ability to play instruments, sing, or write catchy melodies and hooks you don't deserve a record deal. You deserve to forever languish away playing at coffee shops in your college town. Every time another shitbag alternative band makes it big I remember that this is all your fault R.E.M. In the world of rock music it is truly "the end of the world as we know it," and I certainly don't feel fine about it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I Love Being a C List Comedian

As I've discussed many times before, there was a time when MTV and VH1 were considered music networks that showed rock videos, but that era has long since passed us by. Most of their daily schedule is filled with various trashy reality shows. Trashy celebrity dating shows, trashy households of Ed Hardy meatheads and orange tanned sluts, trashy rehab shows about former child stars. Whatever. VH1 however, came up with a concept for a show that trumps all of these other shows in terms of mindless entertainment value. A show that requires no talent of it's cast/panel other than the ability to make a moderately funny comment (or just...comment) on a pop culture trend. I am speaking of course of their hit series "I Love The 80's" and it's various other decade offshoots.

I Love The 80's is an utterly retarded concept for a television show. Some asshole network executive at VH1 seriously sat down and had the following lightbulb thoughts arise: "Wait a minute..people LOVE the 80s..and being nostalgic...and having conversations where they make moderately funny observations about how things were different back in the day. Why don't we make an entire fucking tv series where we just reference old pop culture events/trends/movies/music etc...and people comment on them??" Are you kidding me? People on VH1 actually get PAID to make the same observations about everyday pop culture references that you and your buddies make while sitting on your couch, or enjoying a brew at the local watering hole. These people on the show don't even make observations that are say..."observant." They just make the first obvious remark that pops in their head when being reminded of the pop culture issue in question.

This is the worst part of the "I Love The..." series. It is a show comprised of a panel of comedians...and NONE of them are all. Vh1 knew that people would watch the show just for the nostalgia factor of remembering the Rubix Cube, so they invested no money in getting people together that might actually make a clever observation once an hour. Or getting anybody who might have a humorous anecdote they can relate to the show's subject matter. No instead they just got together the most generic comedians with about as much combined personality as a PTA meeting to provide the "comic relief" on this show about loving the good ol' days when people wore crazy outfits and microwaves had just been invented.

Just like the cover of your university welcome pamphlet, VH1 makes the effort to have their show represented by a diverse collection of losers from all racial demographics and both genders. Each of these comedians fits right into their stereotypical niche when commenting on the pop culture issues referenced in the show. A hispanic comedian will relate the issue to his culture. A female comedian will say a movie's lead actor was dreamy. A black comedian will use urban slang to describe a show's premise. Michael Ian Black will be awkward and white and say something dorky:

(Discussion on Macgyver)

Unfunny Female Comedian: "ugh huuuuuge crush on Richard Dean Anderson"
Unfunny Black Comedian: "Macgyver was dope yo! That dude ain't fuck around!"
Michael Ian Black: "I always appreciated Macgyver's ability to accesorize...(Makes ironically gay facial expression)
Intellectual Gay Guy: "Macgyver was another example of an 80's heartthrob opting for a faaabulously trashy pseudo mullet hairstyle."
Unfunny Latino Comedian: Mexicans weren't really impressed wit' Macgyver. Like yeah my cousin can start a car with some wires and a paper clip too ain't nobody giving him a tv series homes.

Wow. Every comment covering that topic was completely obvious, not insightful at all and didn't even bring me to a giggle. You unfunny dickholes. How the fuck did you score a gig as a "comedian?"

(If a discussion of an 80's Rom-Com arises an Asian comic will inevitably step in and observe that Asians are often portrayed as awkward dorks in teen comedies. Just wanted to make sure and cover all stereotypes there.)

After the success of "I Love the 80's" VH1 branched out into a wide variety of spinoff variations on this stupid show. I love the 7o's, 90's and New Millenium soon followed. Same format, same pattern of pop culture references. Same collection of unfunny douchebags. Jesus Christ. Enough already. I can sit at the bar with my bro and note that "Shaft was one bad dude." We can note that we had a crush on Paula Abdul in 1989. Anybody can recall memorizing the Nintendo code for "Contra." I don't need entire TV series' devoted to making these obvious nostalgic observations for me. Especially if you're not gonna be clever about it. I'd like my to have my nostalgic discussions in the privacy of my own home without the presence of Michael Ian Black's unfunny irony present to ruin it, thank you very much.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Rolling Stone With No Direction Home

I have a subscription to Rolling Stone Magazine because after all I have to get my music news from somewhere. MTV and VH1 are no longer music networks and I'd rather not feel like a hipster and go to some shitbag indie music site like PitchFork for my rock and roll news. So I read Rolling Stone. I just got this week's issue and logically the cover features prominent rock and roll musician Barack Obama. I seriously can't remember the last time this supposed rock and roll magazine actually featured a rock artist on the cover. As of late Rolling Stone is no longer a rock magazine so much as a media outlet that alternates between spreading a left wing agenda and informing the masses of the hottest trends in bubblegum pop culture. In other words Rolling Stone fucking sucks.

When I was growing up Rolling Stone was actually a hip rock magazine. You saw that up and coming band on the cover of Rolling Stone and thought to yourself "whoa..these guys have officially made it." Rolling Stone would send writers on tour with the hottest band in the world and give you a behind the scenes look at your favorite rock gods misbehaving daily while rocking different cities across the nation. Remember the film "Almost Famous?" Yeah that is actually how Rolling Stone used to come up with their stories. Find a band gaining a lot of buzz. Send somebody out on the road with them. Get inside their heads and find out what makes them tick. Hopefully after ingesting a few too many substances the band's members get a little too honest when discussing their debauchery. Maybe they get drunk and start talking shit about other bands. Basically all the stuff that Rock and Roll is all about.

Nowadays Rolling Stone alternates between three set formats for their cover stories.

(A) Pick a famous pop musician to put on the cover wearing the fewest clothes possible

(B) Pick a famous actor or cast of a hot tv show to put on the cover

(C) Pick a political topic to focus on or just generally rant about how much Republicans suck.

Ok wtf Rolling Stone? None of these topics have ANYTHING to do with fucking rock music. Your magazine's name indicates a link to Bob Dylan, Keith Richards and Muddy Waters. These guys were legendary rock artists. Therefore you are implying that your magazine's area of focus is kickass rock and roll music. I don't want to know how Katy Perry became America's newest sex symbol. I don't give a shit how "GLEE" became the nation's hottest tv phenomenon. I have no interest in reading about why the GOP is destroying congress. If I did I would read or People Magazine...or fucking Huffington Post.

I realize that it's hard to feature cover stories on cool rock bands when...95% of mainstream rock music sucks dick. I'm not particularly interested in reading about Daughtry's wild antics on the road and I would hope none of your other readers are either. You however are a major reason why mainstream music sucks so much. Cool music becomes mainstream through exposure to the masses. And I know you still know what qualifies as good music because I read your reviews section which is your publication's only saving grace. I know you gave Wolfmother's last album a four star rating. I know you liked The Black Keys live set. This information however, is buried in small paragraphs on the back pages of your magazine, buried beneath your layers of bubblegum pop stories and political pandering. Would it really kill you to actually put a rock band you've classified as cool on your cover, and give them some exposure? Maybe give people a chance to discover good music again? Nobody needs to rediscover The Black Eyed Peas for the third time.

Rolling Stone's writers have remained pretty deep and insightful through the years, even when writing bullshit articles. So I assume that Rolling Stone employs quality writers because their target audience is people with half a brain that know good writing when they see it and know good music when they hear it. NOT people who listen to the fucking Jonas Brothers or watch Twilight. So how bout' you give your intended audience something worthwhile to read about for a change? If I get another issue with half naked vampire heartthrobs on the cover I'm cancelling my subscription.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

I spend a lot of my time on this site ranting about bands that suck balls and how shitty modern music is. So you might think to yourself..what exactly does this asshole consider to be "good music?" Well I have an answer for you. Music that kicks ass. Music with balls. Music that is totally RAD. Starting today I will be providing you with a weekly Rad Friday Afternoon Jam. This week's Rad Jam: Led Zeppelin: COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN.

Led Zeppelin is totally Rad. Seriously look at these rock gods. Look at Robert Plant. He goes on stage looking confused and then BAM! the music starts and he runs up and absolutely GRIPS the microphone. He takes control of the audience. THAT is a fucking frontman. Look at Jimmy Page. If you thought nobody could ever rock in a plaid sweater vest, think again. Communication Breakdown is basically the song that invented heavy metal. This is the first time a collection of guys said to themselves "hey lets get a long haired banshee to absolutely wail over the sound of power drumming, a thumping bassline and an absolutely dirty speedy guitar riff." THAT will be our "sound." None of this droning three chord garage rock bullshit with some pussy in a fedora singing about his feelings. Here's to you Led Zeppelin. I'm sure you will be a repeat entry on this feature. Have a RAD weekend folks.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: ACL Edition

This weekend Austin, Texas hosts it's massive annual music festival Austin City Limits ("ACL"). Much like other massive rock fests like Bonnaroo, and San Fran's Outside Lands festival ACL always seems like a good idea initially. They announce the lineup and in quickly perusing the list you note that 4-5 cool bands you like are playing. Awesome sign me up! Then you realize that the festival is three days long. And a million bands are playing. And the tickets are about $200. Most importantly you remember that 99% of music today sucks, so aside from the few bands you like at the festival, the rest of the music you hear over the weekend will probably suck balls. The combination of listening to mostly shitty music, while dehydrated in the Texas heat, while having to deal with smelly hippies and douchebag hipsters, and suddenly you no longer have any desire to attend ACL. This year I analyzed the ACL lineup and was not shocked in the least to find that most of it is shit. So with apologies to Mofro, The Black Keys, The Sword, and Robert Randolph, This Weeks Band That Sucks Balls: 2010 ACL LINEUP.

Miike Snow-
I saw a billion status messages this week about people checking out the "Miike" Snow after party. I assumed they were just spelling his name with two i's to express their excitement. Turns out this cockbag actually spells his name with two i's. Miike's band is made up of a couple of casio keyboards and a drum machine. So shitty electro dance pop for hipsters to nod and sway to. Lame.

Beach House-
Some emo chick and her long haired pussy boyfriend play a piano and droning guitar riff and attempt to emulate Simon and Garfunkel's most depressing songs. Kill yourselves.

Hip band from Austin that plays simple repetitive guitar riffs along with a drum beat that starts off slow and...never builds up to anything. You actual drum fills that might require talent. Seriously Spoon's drummer makes Meg White look like Keith Moon.

Slightly Stoopid
Homeless man's Sublime.

Sonic Youth
Unlike most people of my generation I will openly tell you that Sonic Youth's music fucking sucks. They are one of those dipshit bands along with R.E.M. that invented the "alternative rock" genre. Alternative rock is code for "We can't play our instruments for dick or sing, our music is pretty much just a bunch of distortion and noise."

Vampire Weekend
Ok this band is seriously just fucking noise. I can't even describe these insufferable hipsters. If you can get through 30 seconds of this video without getting the sudden urge to punch a baby you are a stronger man than I:

The Strokes
Jesus christ these dickheads are still around? How the fuck do they have a 2 hour headlining set when all their songs are 2 and a half minute garage rock jams? The Strokes are every hip hollywood celebrity's favorite band which is all you really need to know about how much they blow.

Phiiiiiiiiiish broooooooooo!!

Pete Yorn
Some sad whiney douchebag who plays a shitty hybrid mix of emo acoustic folk rock occasionally featuring a piano. Somebody get Pete a tampon.

All of Lucero's music sounds like a drunk guy at karaoke singing "Tuesday's Gone" off key.

Gaslight Anthem
Depressing emo power punk bullshit. This sounds like The Clash if Joe Strummer wrote all their songs after attending a family funeral.

Black Lips
I already hated this band when it was called Vampire Weekend.

Silversun Pickups
If every song the Smashing Pumpkins wrote was "1979" they would be The Silversun Pickups.

Gogol Bordello
Some weirdo that screams jibberish while strumming an acoustic guitar and looking like the posterchild for "look at this fucking hipster".com.

LCD Soundsystem
More Keyboard, synthesizer electric pop bullshit. Remember when guitars, bass and a drum set were required for a band? That was cool.

I guess I like that song "Paper Planes" from Pineapple Express. Other than that I don't have much of an opinion on this weird brit rap chick.

Addressed Muse last week. They suck. Next.

Devendra Banhart and the Grogs
Devendra Banhart is a smelly disheveled hippie who has done way too many drugs. Seriously there are multiple homeless people by my house I would let use my shower before DB.


Flaming Lips
Every time I ask a Flaming Lips fan what is cool about the Flaming Lips and their "amazing live show," their response is just "dude...their lead singer comes out in a bubble"...and nothing further. Their songs are nonsensical bullshit and their lead singer looks like my high school chemistry teacher mated with a pedophile.

They're like Nickelback meets the Goo Goo Dolls! ROCK!!!!

Norah Jones
More like "Snoooooreah Jones." Get it? Because she is fucking boring.

The Eagles
Is there a clause in every classic rock DJ's contract that requires them to play Hotel California 28 times a day? I liked this song waaaay better when it was called "Stairway to Heaven" and didn't suck.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sympathy for the Devil

The baseball playoffs started today but since America's real pastime is football the ESPN headlines have been all about the blockbuster Vikings-Patriots trade. The Patriots traded future Hall of Fame receiver Randy Moss to the Vikings (his former team) for a third round draft pick, which is the sports equivalent of trading a Ferrari for a gift certificate to a Honda dealership. Why did they do this? Most likely because they, like other teams before them, considered Randy to be a selfish asshole. Somebody that only cares about himself and bitches when he doesn't get the ball enough. A "me-first" guy in a world that knows there is no "I" in "TEAM." It is a universally accepted truth that you can't win in team sports with selfish assholes because you need "chemistry." Well let me be the first to tell you that that selfish assholes win championships. Can't live with em' but you certainly can't win without em'.

The reason every team needs selfish assholes is because the most selfish asshole on a team's roster always happens to also be the best athlete on the team. If you are a great athlete you are most likely an asshole. When I say "athlete" I don't just mean somebody that is great at playing their sport. I mean somebody that was born with god given physical abilities that can't be taught. Take all-around nice guy Drew Brees for example. He is a great football player, but he is not a great "athlete." He honed his craft through hours of hard work and studying the game he plays. He wasn't born with the ability to outrun wild animals and a god given physical frame naturally honed for athletic competition. He's not the guy on highlight reels on sportscenter that makes plays that leave you speechless and make you think " the fuck did he do that?" If he were that guy, he would be definitely be an asshole.

Seriously if you think of all the truly great athletes in history they were almost all assholes. Remember a guy by the name of Michael Jeffrey Jordan? Kinda decent at roundball? Complete and total asshole. He actually told individual players if they were allowed to touch the ball at crunchtime. He punched out teammates in practice. He talked shit to his rivals. He also just so happened to have the ability to dunk a basketball from the free throw line and won 6 titles. Remember a guy named Deion Sanders? He wore sunglasses and gold chains to press conferences. He made rap videos. He danced and taunted opponents before, during and after he scored on them. That asshole also happened to control the balance of power in football throughout the 1990s. A famous nice guy NFL legend named Steve Young spent the early 90s struggling to beat a notorious collection of assholes known as the Dallas Cowboys. Then he convinced his 49ers to sign that total asshole Deion Sanders and won a championship. Then Deion acted like an asshole and went and signed with the 49ers aforementioned rivals from Dallas and won them a championship.

Things have not really changed since the days of MJ and Deion. Assholes are still the most physically gifted people in the world of sports. Everybody acted surprised this summer when the finest athlete of this generation, a Mr. Lebron James, turned out to be an asshole. We all thought he was the nice unselfish kid with the million dollar smile that loved his fans in Cleveland. He wasn't. He was the asshole that wanted to "take his talents" to sunny Miami and win a championship with his asshole superstar buddies. This brings me to my point of why assholes are essential to a team's success. Assholes love WINNING.

Assholes know they are better than everyone else. Assholes known they were born with gifts that don't get bestowed upon people at birth every day. Assholes know that if they can't translate their amazing physical talents into championships, their career is deemed a failure and they are just another asshole. So they bitch, piss people off, and do whatever it takes to ensure they get themselves a ring. That's what Randy Moss did this week. He essentially said to the Patriots: "Hey dickheads if you're not gonna throw me the ball anymore you clearly don't care about winning as much as I do." So he told them "get me the fuck out of here and send me to Minnesota where Brett Favre (another complete asshole) will appreciate these muthafuckin' skills and throw me the god damn ball, and I can get myself a Lombardi trophy." Randy Moss knew that Minnesota wanted a championship as bad as he did if they were willing to trade for the same asshole they ran out of town years ago.

With Randy Moss gone the New England Patriots locker room will surely be a more tranquil place. They will have better team "chemistry" without some asshole yelling at teammates and coaches about getting the ball enough. I GUARANTEE however, that they will not win a championship this season without that asshole Randy Moss. You don't win titles with nice, hard working 5-7 overachievers named Danny Woodhead. You win championships with 6-4 assholes that can leap over people and pluck the ball effortlessly out of midair like it's childs play. So good luck this season Patriots. You may have just shipped out the one asshole your team couldn't live without.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Survival of the Fittest Bitches

I looked in the fridge and every cupboard this morning and realized that I had absolutely nothing to eat so I bit the bullet and made the dreaded once a month epic trip to the grocery store. I hate going to the grocery store. Parking is a fucking nightmare since there are six assholes trying to cram into the closest spot to the door. "Express" checkout lanes are 15 items or less so you have to stand in line behind three douchebags with ten plus items in their cart. None of the store employees know where anything's located. Anyways, my point is I only go to the grocery store when I'm out of my everything in my five essential food groups: Meat, Eggs, Milk, Cheese, and beer. These are the only items of sustinence I need in the world and I couldn't survive without any of them. So of course it appalls me that there are people in the world that CHOOSE to live without 80% of my aformentioned grocery list. I am talking of course about the demographic of condescending hippie pussies known as VEGANS.

Vegans absolutely suck donkey nuts. I understand that there are some people who lean towards a healthier diet than myself. People that perhaps don't appreciate the joy of devouring heart clogging American menu items like the one pictured above. Such people may abstain from eating red meat and stick to chicken and fish. I can understand that. Some people on the other hand stay away from meat alltogether and go through life eating salads and a cup of yogurt for every meal. Ok that is pretty weird but whatever, I guess if you want to be a boring vegetarian that's your decision. If you are a vegan however, I have no idea how you live with yourself. You mean to tell me you go through life without eating ANY animal products...EVER?! WTF is wrong with you? What the hell do you order at Waffle House if you're abstaining from eggs and milk? You can't enjoy a delicious milkshake or ice cream cone on a summer day (soy milk products suck so don't try to pull that card). How do you live without cheese? Vegatables only taste good if there is cheese melted on top of them. You can't even eat a plain slice of pizza. Who the fuck doesn't eat pizza??

Aside from the fact that I can't fathom how one could possibly live without scrambled eggs and cheese fries, vegans piss me off because their choice in diet is based on their desire to preach to people about their bogus beliefs. Some vegans will tell you they are making a healthy life choice but this is total bullshit. There is nothing healthy about abstaining from all animal products. There was a vegan that lived in our dorm sophomore year, and if you ever went in the bathroom after he unloaded his dinner, you would think somebody had lit a diaper of cow manure and toxic waste on fire in there. No way that smell indicated anything "healthy." No the only reason vegans make their dietary choice is to gain the chance to tell non-vegans what horrible, morally bankrupt people we are.

As soon as you sit down to a meal with some vegan asshole, they will start to preach to you about the horrendous process that led to all those delicious animal products ending up on your plate. "Have you ever heard how cows are slaughtered? It's terrible. Oh did you know what type of conditions chickens are kept in on KFC's farms? It's absolutely disturbing and disgusting. I simply can't bring myself to support that sort of torture through my diet." Yeah well you know what..? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Who cares what conditions these animals are kept in or how they are slaughtered? They are gonna fucking die anyways! Chickens and farm-bred herbivores were put on this earth to be devoured by yours truly. So I don't care if my poultry was hung upside down and beaten with a chain to ensure it provided me the tastiest eggs and McNuggets possible. I don't care if my Filet Mignon came from a cow that was thrown off a roof and then decapitated with a chainsaw. Bessy's ass was gonna die anyways who cares how it happened? If you think I'm gonna stop eating delicious bacon because Wilbur was beat to death with a shovel, you're nuts.

My standard argument when debating with these obnoxious soy milk chugging PETA pansies is "Have you ever heard about Survival of the Fittest bitch?" We are the most powerful animals on the earth so we should be allowed to eat and kill whatever animals we want for nourishment. You know who else tortures animals before they eat them? Lions...when they fucking maul water buffalo and rip them limb from limb. I don't see you protesting and screaming your views outside the King of the Jungle's lair. This is obviously a neanderthal view that is quickly reputed by some dreaded smelly hippie telling me that this is a completely ignorant statement. "Ok that's totally different, we actually have the mental capacity to choose not to eat animals." Yeah well we also get to choose to eat delicious animal products. You know who doesn't get that choice? Some fucking starving African kid in Tanzania. You think little Ndugu Gbenga wouldn't trade his left nut to eat "Popeyes" instead of twigs and dirt, regardless of how the fowl on his plate was killed? How bout' you stop whining and appreciate the fact that you were born with the opportunity to eat egg topped chili cheese burgers?

Anyways since I graduated college and don't smoke pot, I don't really come into contact with many vegan hippie assholes these days. Which is a relief because I enjoy the occasional cheese omelette or jumbo slice of pepperoni pizza. And I don't need some uppity animal activist around to tell me why it's wrong. So get out of my country and go savor your cup of soy milk and hummus pita somewhere else. Preferrably somewhere out in the wild Serengeti where you can get mauled by a lion who has no moral dilemma when it comes to torturing his prey before he devours it.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: COLDPLAY

Generally when I name off a band that in my opinion totally sucks balls, I get a decent amount of people I know to nod in agreement. Everybody "hates" Nickelback. Most people agree that U2 are a pack of douchebags. Anybody that quit smoking weed after college agrees that Phish blows. Even Dave Matthews Band with their seemingly universal appeal among our generation have their fair amount of haters from the non-conformist indie rock audience. There is one band however, that you will never get somebody to admit totally gobbles nuts. Most people like this band. A lot of people love this band. Everybody at the very least tolerates this band's music. This is despite the fact that the band in question is quite possibly the worst band in all of "rock" music. This weeks Band That Sucks Balls: COLDPLAY.

I fucking hate Coldplay and am apparently the only person that feels this way. Chicks love Coldplay. Dudes love Coldplay. Mainstream music fans love Coldplay. Hip music fans love Coldplay. Critics love Coldplay. Even fucking Jay-Z has professed his love for Coldplay. All of this infuriates me because Coldplay's music is absolute dog shit. The best way to describe Coldplay's sound is as a less rocking version of U2. You might be saying to yourself "A less rocking version of U2..?" WTF does that even mean?! Well basically you know the part in every U2 song where The Edge totally rocks out and plays that "DING DING..DANG DANG" riff? Yeah well remove that riff from the song, add some soft piano and some chimes and bell noises and you have just written a Coldplay rock anthem. People say the most memorable part of a Coldplay concert is (wait for it)...when they drop a barrage of rainbow streamers and balloons on the crowd! Is this a rock concert or a five year old's birthday party? That is almost like when Gene Simmons flies over the crowd spewing blood on Kiss fans...except..not at all.

What amazes about Coldplay's status as a "great rock band" is their inability to be great at anything. In fact Coldplay is not even moderately good at ANYTHING. Their guitarist sucks dick. Their drummer just bangs on a tom tom. I assume their bassist sucks since it is impossible to groove to Coldplay's music. Their lead singer is Chris Martin and he sucks more balls than all of the other members combined. His voice is like a Bono/John Mayer hybrid whine that sounds like somebody sighing repeatedly for 3 minutes. I guess by default the only "talent" I could see in Coldplay's music would be Chris Martin's piano playing since their music is largely based on tickling the ivories. He doesn't play rocking piano though like Jerry Lee Lewis, Billy Joel or pre-Lion King Elton John. No C-Mart just gently tickles the ivories in a soft, repetitive droning melody. Also don't tell me Coldplay writes brilliant lyrics. I don't think even the band could explain to me wtf "Yellow" is about.

"Well you see chap. There were like the sky..shining Yellow...and then I was Yellow...and then like we were all...Yellow..."

(WOW! So...EVERYTHING was fucking Yellow!! Genius!!)

Coldplay also pisses me off because they are always praised for NOT engaging in "typical rock star" behavior. Last year "60 minutes" did a special segment on Coldplay where the interviewer actually emphasizes that despite being a massive rock band, "You won't see Coldplay wearing ridiculous leather pants or snorting drugs off of the back of a stripper." No, of course you won't. THEN COLDPLAY WOULD ACTUALLY BE FUCKING COOL Instead they get fired up for a show by sipping on some green tea and playing chess. Instead of wearing leather pants they dress like the cast of "The Wiggles." What a bunch of pussies. Also if you make the standard Coldplay is "gay" joke, a Coldplay fan will quickly point out that Chris Martin is not literally homosexual and is in fact married to Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah well that doesn't earn you any cool points either. Gwyneth Paltrow sucks. Real rock stars marry supermodels and Playboy Playmates. Not some stupid flat assed bitch with fucked up teeth that acts in period pieces.

Due to Coldplay's steadfast commitment to not acting like typical rock stars, we will probably be exposed to 20 more years of their shitbag arena piano rock. I mean none of the members is gonna choke on his own vomit or OD on coke in the near future. Chris Martin is not gonna get wasted and tell the other members they are all untalented assclowns, leading to a band breakup. I would say I hope their private jet crashes into a mountain, but owning a flashy private jet is probably more "boorish rock star behavior" that Coldplay doesn't believe in. Fucking tools.