Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: THE DECEMBERISTS

Since I don't really make the effort to go out of my way to listen to modern shitty music, It's not easy for me to instantly think up every band that sucks balls of the top of my head. So sometimes I have to do some research. Maybe I skim the SXSW lineup headliners. Check out the week's late night performers. Throw back a couple PBRs with some bearded dudes in Buddy Holly bifocals at the local pool hall and see what they throw on the jukebox (Just kidding I would never do that). Sometimes however, I can just stumble into the week's BTSB entry without too much effort. Like this week for instance. I opened up Rolling Stone's review section and noted that they had just given this band's new album a four star rating. Then I found out that this very same rock band debuted at number 1 this week on the billboard charts and sold 100,000 copies. Whoa. A band that got a great review in Rolling Stone AND is the highest selling album in America..? Wait..and they have a stupid name that refers to some obscure cultural event they learned about during their liberal arts college experience? Well that was easy. This band undoubtedly blows. I give you this week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE DECEMBERISTS.

These guys are right out of a "5 hipsters walk into a bar" joke. If you're putting together your stereotypical hipster entourage, what do you need? Fedoras, fat guys, beards, retro frame glasses, and an ugly bitch. In some combination. Well lets see here. We've got three fedoras. Two sets of retro framed glasses, two fat guys, one beard and an ugly bitch with bangs. Done. Including one super-douche with a beard, retro glasses, a fedora AND an ironic bow tie to boot. Man these guys are just chomping at the bit to rock our balls off with their unique brand of um..lets see...

"Upbeat pop, instrumentally lush ballads...employing instruments like the accordian, organs, andd upright bass...eschewing angst and introspection in favor of a storytelling approach..Critics compare them to Neutral Milk Hotel"

So to translate that incoherent sentence of bullshit for you...BOOOOOOWRING. Why does every fucking hipster band have to employ an accordian and an upright bass? It's like the musical pioneer that inspired all future generations of indie hipster bands was an Italian jazz restaurant owner in Williamsburg NY. Also just to clarify, "Neutral Milk Hotel" is not to be confused with their alt-folk-pop counterparts "Negative Heavy Cream Inn."

Delving further into their background I found that The Decemberists are from Portland, Oregon which explains so much more. Portland, Oregon is like Austin if UT didn't exist, SXSW were held year round in a rain storm, and they didn't have the term "Texas" attached to their name. They even have a comedy-short based show coming out on IFC to up their indie cred ( Anyways, I digress. I was also curious as to how they came up with their stupid name. The Decemberists? Is this because they are dark and solemn like the month of December at all times? Nah that'd be too obvious. Clearly they were named after an 1800's Russian uprising and acccompanying unfinished Tolstoy novel based upon it's events. Clearly the band hit it off studying Soviet Literature 200 during their life-changing study abroad experience in Moscow. What a bunch of douchebags. "Ohhh we're so cultured. We used to read Tolstoy and buy beer for 20 Rubles at the local's like a corner store street vendor, they have them everywhere in MOSKVA." Kill yourselves.

The Decemberists' Tolstoy-inspired brand of communist indie rock can best be described as alt-folk ensemble storyteller rock. Take the worst Neil Young song you can think of, except picture four Neil Youngs singing in unison, and add an accordian solo to compliment the harmonica and depressing lyrics. At least Neil Young sang about doing heroin and protesting the Vietnam war. That's KIND OF an intriguing story being told over the snorefest that is your acoustic guitar and harmonica. Well the Decemberists claim their drug of choice is "Orangina" (I'm not making this up) and their rocking jams tell stories about the most boring and mundane fictional characters ever. Depressed housewives, Turkish gypsies, architects, the pharmacist at your CVS. Totally lame. Not only that, they up the pretentious art-rock douche factor by naming their storytale rock in the most complex, unrevealing manner possible. I can only imagine the awesomeness encompassed in the listening experience of their 2009 classic: "The Hazards of Love 1 (The Prettiest Whistles Won't Wrestle the Thistles Undone)." God how do you assholes ever get a chance to breath in the studio amidst inhalling the smell of your own farts 24/7?

The only positive aspect about most hipster indie-rock is generally the fact that it just that..Indie. Not mainstream. Not often exposed to my eardrums. I get pissed off enough hearing about "rock" bands like The Decemberists. I would hate actually being forced to listen to their shitty accordian organ folk rock dog excrement on a daily basis. So please stop assholes like this from starting a movement and invading our mainstream with an influx of horrendous ensemble noise rock. Basically, if you see a crowd of bearded guys in fedoras and an ugly bitch with bangs about to purchase an accordion and upright bass in an antique shop this weekend, knock them unconscious and tie them up in the nearest alley immediately. You'll be doing our nation's airwaves a great favor.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I Hope You're Still Proud When She's a Crack Whore

Like most of you single 20 somethings no longer living off your parents, I rent an apartment in a big city. Over the holidays however, when I have to see my family for the required one time a year, I have to hang out in the suburbs. Someday when I can afford a house, family etc. I guess I will be forced to move out to a nice neighborhood with picket fences. Someplace we can all live happily in our dream home with a yard for the dog, and sidewalks where the rugrats can't pick up broken beer bottles or consort with homeless people. Until that point when I'm forced to make this life decision, I have no desire to move out to the suburbs because the burbs fucking blow. Everytime I hang out in the burbs something else pisses me off. There's no cool bars or restaurants to hang out at except for TGIFridays and Olive Garden. They have trendy overpriced, overcrowded grocery stores where you can't find a damn thing that doesn't have the word "organic" attached to its description. They have bored cops at every corner waiting to pull you over for speeding in a school zone during any time of day that children are nowhere to be seen. Jesus Christ I hate the burbs with a passion.

Most of all, I generally hate the yuppie families that populate Pleasantville, USA. With their smug attitudes, annoying packs of children that never shut up in public, and their fucking oversized minivans that cut you off in every strip mall parking lot. Nothing pisses me off more than when some fat cunt with 5 kids pulls out in front of me in her Dodge Caravan and nearly wrecks my car, because she's on her cell phone gossiping with her gal pal or figuring which field junior has soccer practice at. Especially when you honk at them and then they give you that confused look and hold their phone up. Yeah I know you're on your phone. We're in a fucking parking lot. PARK your fat ass somewhere and handle your important conversation. After all this happens the bitch and her posse of rugrats that should've been aborted drive off in front of me, and I note that their vehicle's rear end is covered with that most infuriating of suburban accessories. The official symbol of suburban douchebaggery. I am talking of course, about proud parent bumper stickers.

People that put proud parent bumper stickers on their cars should be fed to piranhas. I hate these Goddamn people. Clearly they have nothing to validate their own sad existence, so they have to advertise to the world how fucking amazing their child is. There is a place for celebrating the various activites and achievements of your children. It's called your house. Hang up all the shit you want in your own humble abode that reminds YOU of how awesome your kid is. My parents haven't been proud of me since I started drinking when I was like 11, but back when I wasn't a complete degenerate, they kept all praise they heaped upon me within the confines of our four walls. Fucking cover every corner of your home with trophies, honor roll certificates, science fair prizes, and special olympics gold medals that celebrate your child's minor achievements. Fine. Fucking put a sign on your front door that says "My son's car won the Cub Scout pinewood derby." Great. Just don't advertise to me and the rest of your neighbors how awesome your little pisqueak because we could give way less than a shit. Nobody is impressed by the fact that your 1st grader is an "honor student" because he doesn't piss himself or eat the finger paint in class on a daily basis. Asshole.

You know what the most ridiculous part about proud parent bumper stickers is? The fact that they're celebrating victory WAY before the finish line. I'm no prophet, but I can assure you that kid you're currently so proud of has PLENTY of time left to fuck up his life. Your son could (ideally) be huffing glue and robbing convenience stores by the time he's 14. You're celebrating the fact that he's an honors student in 3rd grade? You're like a Detroit Lions fan buying Super Bowl tickets after a 2-0 start. Ohhh you're the proud parent of a middle school cheerleader!! Great. All that means is that your daughter is already the school HJ queen. By 16 she'll be banging half the varsity locker room. Then at 17 she'll get knocked up by the star QB, ruining her chance of going to college. Then nobody will think she's pretty anymore so she'll develop a variety of chemical dependencies leaving you to take care of her little bastard child all day. Not so supportive of her pom-pom dreams now huh? Meanwhile her baby-daddy Bro Montana will be supporting princess and Junior performing oil changes at the local Jiffy Lube, dreaming of one day becoming a PE teacher. Seems he didn't get that pigskin scholarship he was banking on when he was pulling Ds in all his classes, and can now only get into colleges that feature the word "community." Awww :(. Seems his folks aren't as proud of their star "Panther football player at George McFucktard High" anymore.

Look if your kid is some hybrid child prodigy that's a mix of a young Albert Einstein and Lebron James, I'm happy for you. Shower him with all the praise and support you feel like. Just don't go holding your head too high and advertising his excellence to everyone TOO early. You never know when things will take a turn for the worst. After all, My parents were once the proud parents of a Cub Scout pinewood derby champion, who won the science fair, made the honor roll and played varsity basketball. Now their pride and joy is an angry asshole who posts profane rants on the internet while drinking Jack Daniels in his underpants. Shit can go downhill in a heartbeat...

Friday, January 21, 2011

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

When people name off their favorite bands, they generally do one of two things. They give you the generic/safe answer of The Beatles or The Rolling Stones that guarantees approval. Or, if they are wearing a scarf and retro t-shirt, they will name off some dipshit band whose name features four randomly selected words. In either case, people never truly reveal ALL of the bands they love. That's because every person has at least one "guilty pleasure" band. A band they rock out to in the privacy of their own living room/car/shower. This band rocks, but for some reason you're afraid to admit your love for them in public as it will indicate you have cheesy taste in music. This week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam comes courtesy of the ultimate rockin' guilty pleasure band: JOURNEY.

I don't care what anyone says, Journey fucking rules. Science has proven that's physically impossible to refrain from pumping your fist upon hearing a Journey song come on the radio. Journey's entire catalog consists solely of Rad arena rock anthems tailor-made for epic fist pumping. Now, Journey's music is often classified as cheesy by people who simply have not grasped their radness for whatever reason. "Cheesy" I've discovered is basically code for "catchy 80's rock anthems from Rad band dressed in ridiculous attire." So apparently it's a synonym for "awesome." I mean..just look at the fucking Rad picture above. Clearly Journey is not here to impress anyone. They look like five registered sex offenders that randomly booked a gig at the Raddest 80's prom ever. There's no telling which guy's gonna spike your punch though I'd wager on the rad guitarist with the open shirt in the center. Anyways clearly when they woke up in the morning they didn't put too much thought into their look, because they were too busy focusing on the task at hand: rocking your balls off.

Goofy looking or not Journey will bring the rock upon you, and too often people ignore this fact. One of the reason's people don't take Journey's music seriously are the connotations of their biggest hit "Don't Stop Believing." Everyone totally "loves" this song that reminds them of Sigma Chi keggers sophomore year. The song is catchy, cliche', and simple to sing (or scream) along with no matter how many jello shots you've consumed. Therefore, the band's been pigeonholed as the cheesy one-hit wonder 80's band who produced an overplayed college anthem. Despite the fact that Journey is also responsible for many other epic 80's rock anthems that are way more Rad than don't stop believing. Song's like the exhibit A shown below: "Separate Ways (World's Apart)."

Seriously this song is just filled with Radness. You and your friends probably play air guitar along to rocking jams all the time. Well have you ever thought to have an entire band of people playing air instruments simultaneously? That would be a totally Rad idea. And an unoriginal one, as Journey already did it in this video with it's revolutionary 80's special effects. Whoa where'd that keyboard go?? Oh there it is! The band's most important instrument of course are the vocals of frontman Steve Perry, seen here rocking a totally rad mullet and sleeveless tee. Everytime you're not quite feeling the full effect of this song the camera cuts to a passionate close-up of Perry that draws you back in. And then they cut to a Rad profile shot of the entire band doing the barbershop quartet thing and emphasizing to that special lady that they still love her...though they've gone and went their separate ways. And if her new man ever hurts her..oh man the band will be there to bring the pain. Anyways enjoy your weekend folks and enjoy this totally Rad guilty pleasure jam. Spend the next few days breaking those chains that bind you.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: NEON TREES

Back in the day, when SNL was still funny, Conan was still on network television, and George Lopez was still languishing away in night clubs doing unfunny stand up about Mexican stereotypes, late night television was pretty badass. Aside from the obvious draw of the comedy bits, people actually tuned into late night shows and stayed up till the end to catch the performance of the night's musical guest. There was a natural progression in a band's road to mainstream relevance. If a trendy band started gathering some indie rock buzz they played on Conan past midnight where only stoned college kids were awake to see them perform. Then once they released an album and solid single they moved up an hour earlier and performed on Letterman/Leno (generally Letterman). Then once the band was officially a cool band with "mainstream credibility" (yes those two terms were once synonomous) they played a gig on SNL. Today of course since 99.9% of all rock music is total poop, staying up to watch the musical guest on any of the aforementioned late night forums, just means infuriating myself right before I hit the sack. This week we cover a shitty band that is currently moving up the ranks of late night TV gigs. Soon they'll surely be the mainstream hip band that everyone likes. Before that happens I might as well preemptively skewer these dickheads. Lets hope the four people who read my blog will alert the masses to stop supporting this shiitastic band before they take over our airwaves for good. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: NEON TREES.

Is this fucking band for real? I mean..are they actually trying to be taken seriously as a rock and roll band? They can't be. This has gotta be some sort of fucking joke. Take a long look at the complete asshats pictured above. Ohhh sweet retro shades guys. You look so damn cool staring off into the distance in opposite directions while posing in front of a scenic desert rock. What's with the twat on the far left with her butch haircut, silver boots and spandex pants? Looks like Star Trek is missing their hipster chick. Then we've got James Dean Jr. in his "faux hawk" (possibly the most douchetastic haircut in history) rocking his rolled up Levis and leather jacket. Dude, "The Outsiders" called to say that even Pony Boy could kick your ass. Far right we have some art school fucktard that is apparently working at a drive up diner to help pay his way through school. Finally we have the lead singer stepping to the forefront amidst this bashing of his bandmates saying "whoa whoa..easy there..a little respect..for I am Costanza...king of the douchebags." Sweet comb down hawk. Are you starring in a remake of "The 5th Element"..? Who told you rocking a baby blue bow tie with a pea coat and skinny jeans was badass? Oh, your art school boyfriend to the right. Fair enough.

Since Neon Trees hail from the totally Un-Rad streets of Provo, Utah you'd assume they don't have a totally unique rock sound that blows out your speakers. You'd be right. Neon Trees have that standard shitty indie rock sound built around four assfucks who can't play their instruments banging 3 notes repetitively while hipster dancing in unison. "Ughhh..well maybe if we all stand in one place, swaying our head back and forth with solemn looks on our faces, people will be distracted from the fact that this song sucks monkey dong."Good thinking guys, but I'm onto your plan. Their lead singer of follows the vocal model of every other horrendous rock frontman. Sing in a slowly building whispering whine for a while until you hit the standard hook built around some variation of an annoying "oh ohhhhhhhh" or "whoaaaaaaaa" chorus that fucking blows. Seriously if I wrote an album for a band where every track's chorus was just a slightly different arrangement of the words "ohhhhhh, soooooo, whoaaaaa and goooooo" sung by some weepy pussy I guarantee it goes triple platinum.

Whatever, maybe I'm being too harsh on these kids. Maybe they're one of those shitty bands that is actually into really cool music but is just paying their dues with some craptastic poppy singles. Or just marketing a certain "look" that the record label knows will gather a buzz. I bet they'd love to show us that deep down they've got some real rock and roll chops. Lets watch Neon Trees take us by surprise and impress us with a totally Rad cover..

Ok nevermind. Throw these guys in a Russian prison cell with a pack of bears and throw away the key. I've seen it all and I'm done.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

On the Highway to Hell

I've been erratic with my angry rant postage over the last couple of weeks, and for this I apologize. I have a wide variety of almost rational excuses for my laziness. I've been interviewing for jobs. I've been traveling. It was the holidays. None of these however, provide the real explanation for why I've been too busy to spew anger over the internet. The truth is I've been dealing with a personal issues. On a day to day basis I've been facing a lot of unnecessary stress brought on by unexpected events. I guess I should clarify at this point that no family members died in car accidents, and I wasn't diagnosed with cancer. Yeah, my dog didn't even get run over or anything. No, I'm talking of course about the day to day trials and tribulations that come with settling traffic violations. Fighting the unreasonable charges brought against you that could skyrocket your insurance payments at any moment. Dealing with irrational technicalities that could take away your driving priviledges. Basically, resolving all the pain in the dick issues that arise as a result of your encounters with those scum of the earth cockroach dipshits know as the highway patrol.

Traffic cops are the largest ensemble of soulless fucktards known to man. Seriously they can all burn in hell with child molesters, Al Qaeda and the producers of Glee. What a bunch of totally useless assholes. What exactly qualifies you to join the road patrol branch of the boys in blue? I'll tell you what. The inability to be an ACTUAL cop. Basically you got through the academy with a D+ average and are completely unqualified to handle real crime fighting. And by "real crime" I mean you couldn't stop a Walgreens shoplifter or guard an Applebees. I assume when you are too fucking fat and incompetent to chase down America's real bad guys, you automatically get relegated to the pull over police squad. Where you don't have to ever actually put your life in danger "serving and protecting." Where you won't have to actually exert any energy in order to catch your brand of "criminal." Where you can be a total dick at all times and exercise an inordinate amount of power over the Everyday Joe maniacs who think they can cruise at 10mph over the speed limit.

Lets be real here, speed limits are complete arbitrary and don't really ensure the safety of anybody on our nation's roads. First of all, there needs to be some sort of universal speed minimum (outside of school zones). It's impossible to drive 30mph anywhere when you're constantly blasting Rad jams on your stereo. People who drive fast, do so because they know how to fucking drive, and realize when it is safe to go over the speed limit. Think about every speeding ticket you've ever received. Or just think about every ticket I've received. Nobody gets pulled over when there are a decent amount of cars out on the road. Even if they are going 25 miles over the limit. You know those dickheads you see weaving back and forth through traffic in their souped up Asian cars with spoilers and flame designs on the doors? Yeah they don't get pulled over reenacting Too Fast To be With The Fastest Furious part 5. No, the people who get pulled over for hot rodding are the maniacs like me who drive fast when there is nobody out on the open road in front of them. When I am driving fast because there is ZERO chance of me crashing into somebody. Yeah of course that's when Officer Ass Munch decides he's gonna assert his authority over the interstate. Why is this? It's way fucking easier to pull over some guy who's speeding by himself on an empty road, than it is to run down the Ed Hardy Nissan Maxima amidst traffic who may actually cause a wreck.

Once Sergeant Billy McBacon has put down his sub for long enough to click his radar gun and flash his lights at you, the Gestapo act really fucking takes off. Since highway patrolmen and traffic cops (lumping all dickhead pull over police together) never get the chance to bust up a drug den or engage in a shootout with bank robbers, every stop is their shining moment. They wanna fucking search your car with or without cause. They wanna shine their flashlight in your face. They wanna ask you exactly how many miles you've driven today, When you last stopped for gas and what your favorite Bryan Adams song is to throw you off guard. I had a cop tell me that somehow, (based on the fact that I was going a whopping 6mph over the limit) he had reason to believe I may be transporting illegal substances. Really? I have a mini-pinscher, some mittens and a toaster in my backseat. Clearly I am shipping mad keys of YaYo across state lines you perceptive imbecile. Hey why don't you check under my baby blue puppy paw blanket for that unregistered Uzi fucktard?

Generally nothing too serious comes out of my annual run-ins with our nation's super troopers. Other than having to bullshit sick days to appear at court dates, write checks to the county, and wasting afternoons at the DMV explaining my situation to some jackoff with a 3rd grade education. Still the aggravation from talking to cops, judges, attorneys and insurance agents is probably enough to take some years off my current life expectancy of 45. So I still have the right to say fuck you very much to our nation's curbside coppers. Hope pulling me over inched you closer to the big time. Maybe if you drop 20 lbs and record a few more moving violations, they'll entrust you with that sweet crossing guard gig at the local middle school.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Last night we all watched a totally badass national title game between Auburn University and the University of Oregon. The matchup went down to the wire, but in the end Auburn was able to pull it out 22-19 and emerge as 2010's undisputed college football national champion. Well maybe not "undisputed" per se, as usual somebody in college football is pissed off that they got a raw deal and were screwed out of a fair shot at the crown. This year that somebody would be the players, coaches, and fans of Texas Christian University. This year TCU went undefeated just like Auburn, but ended up on the outside looking in when it came to a piece of the championship pie. Don't get me wrong I think Auburn annihilates the Horned Frogs if match up head to head, but it's still fucking preposterous that this opinion can't be proven on the field of play. Obviously this issue comes up every year regarding the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) system that uses computers to determine who the two best college teams in the land are, that should meet in the title game.

I am about the 784,890,543rd person to have a beef with the BCS, and suggest that college football implement some sort of playoff system that provides a fairer way of determining the sport's champion (like EVERY other sport). Most people however, just bitch about the BCS without really presenting a logical solution for a playoff format. Which just allows the douchebags that run this idiotic system to say "yeah's easier said than done, you don't understand the complex issues that go into making that happen." Well I for one think I do understand these supposedly "complex" issues, and could logically come up with a sensible solution to this annual shitshow known as the the end of this post. Without further ado, lets go issue by issue.

1. The college football regular Season IS your playoff

This is by far the most utterly retarded argument I hear from old school college football pundits opposing a playoff system. How exactly is playing an entire regular season schedule within one conference equivalent to going through playoffs? In every other sport (pro or college) teams get to play at least 1/3 of their games outside of their division/conference and prove themselves against foes across the country. In college football team play 2-3 games outside of their conference with one of those games being against an in-state/border rival, and another game being some cupcake college with a total enrollment of 100 people. So a team might play ONE game against a major squad outside of their conference/geographic area/comfort zone. Putting it in the most simplistic terms there is no truly fair way to rank a team from the West Coast against one from the South, if neither team ventures outside of their conference schedule. Obviously there are "naked eye" tests and stats that show that certain teams/regions always have the highest ranked football recruits. But the fact remains that if a team from Texas never plays an SEC conference schedule you can't just say "they would OBVIOUSLY not go undefeated with that schedule."

2. A college football team can't play that many games.

Obviously football is different from other sports, due to the physical beating players take. You can only play so many football games in a season, before your body breaks in half. With that being said, in my lifetime alone the college football season has expanded from 11 games to 14 games. So why not cut down a team's regular season, or hell even eliminate a conference championship game to allow for a couple playoff games. I.E. play your 8 or 9 game conference schedule, play your border rival, and then move right into the playoffs. You could even implement the few conference championship games into the first round of the BCS playoff format. Just eliminate one of your team's games against the Eastern Mississippi Hellen Keller Institute for the Impaired that you win 77-3 every season. Basically, a team could play all the relevant games on their schedule, go through an entire four week playoff run to the championship (16 teams), and still play only 14 games a season under my format.

3. You could interfere with players' December education schedule

I just threw up a little in my mouth writing that sentence. "Education." Give me a fucking break. Football players don't even take real majors (Communications? Kinesiology? Ballroom Dancing?). If a female lacrosse player can manage to fit in studying for her biochemistry exam between practices, I think Cam Newton can put away a couple hours to ensure he passes Flower Planting 101 while playing one playoff game a week. This is honestly a moot point anyways. Bowl games start in mid-December (after most school's finals end), and end around January 10 (before schools open or at least right in the first week). Really the only thing players in a college football playoff might lose out on in December, is some quality holiday time with their family. Who cares? The holidays blow anyways. College basketball players skip spring break in Cancun with slutty coeds each year to participate in March Madness, which in my opinion is a far greater sacrifice than missing some quality time with mom and dad fighting about your GPA. Suck it up guys.

4. How do we allot bids to teams and format these playoffs?

The most basic problem with the BCS is really the easiest to solve. Namely, the issue of how to actually format a college football playoff. Simple. Sixteen Teams. Four Weeks. Every major conference champion gets a bid. Then you give the rest of the playoff slots to "at-large teams." I.E. the best of the rest based on BCS rankings. This way the power conferences will still control the postseason, but the best of the little guys will get a fair shot at the crown as well. Obviously there will be some teams that bitch about being snubbed, but after years of undefeated teams being screwed out of championship games, nobody should give two shits about the 17th best team in the nation that's crying about being left out.

5. What about all the money that bowls/sponsors bring to the greedy ass NCAA?

Again simple as pie. We all know the NCAA are a bunch of greedy assholes. That's fine. They would lose absolutely no money from implementing this revamped logical playoff system. First of all you can keep ALL of the bowl games and ALL of their sponsors. In college basketball you have the postseason NIT for all the shitty teams that weren't quite good enough to make the real playoff tournament. In college football you could still let all the mediocre college football squads play their hearts out against each other in the Beef O'Grady's Bowl, GMC Motor City Bowl, and all the rest of the shitty meaningless postseason games. They don't mean shit now and still bring in sponsors and ticket money from alumni who attend the game. So keep them, and play them during the week in between each week's playoff games. You could still play meaningless college football every day from mid-December to January, except now there'd be a set of meaningful games each week to compliment these shitty games. You wouldn't have to wait from Thanksgiving to New Years Day to get a football game worth a shit. As for the major bowl games? Just keep them and make them the quarterfinals/semi-finals of the new BCS playoffs. The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl winner plays the winner of the AT&T Rose Bowl, for a chance to play the winner of the Orange Bowl champ vs. Sugar Bowl champ, etc. etc.

So all the bowl games stay. All the sponsors stay. The NCAA's greedy assholes make even more money than they currently do. Everyone deserving of a shot at the title gets a fair chance. We don't even have to make the season longer. The players, coaches, and fans are all happy. It just took me an hour to come up with this. So why is it so fucking hard for a bunch of people who actually get paid to run college football to accomplish this? When he was elected two years ago, President Obama promised us a college football playoff system. Well get to it Barack. You wouldn't need more than three people with an IQ equivalent to mine to form a committee focused on accomplishing this. People ain't gonna stop bitching about universal health care or the shitty economy anytime soon, so you might as well do something that will undoubtedly boost that approval rating in a hurry. Namely, remove the BS from the BCS.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

I haven't posted a Friday Afternoon Rad Jam in three weeks, and for this I apologize. In all fairness, the last two Fridays were Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. Aside from the obvious statement that these are busy days when people are preoccupied with their family and friends, Xmas Eve and NYE are two of the least Rad days of the year. On Xmas Eve you're running around picking up last minute grocery items for mom, and finishing up your present wrapping. On NYE you're double checking that you have that all-you-can-drink ticket for the overpriced event you're attending, where you'll be hanging out with a bunch of over dressed amateurs who think getting hammered on champagne is something that should occur only once a year. The music associated with these two days is also completely lame. I didn't really feel the need to post "Simply having a wonderful Christmas time" on Dec. 24 or that fucking annoying "Tonight's gonna be a gooooood night" song as a New Years Eve Rad jam. Anyways, now that all that's over I can return to consistently bringing you your weekly dose of Friday Afternoon Radness. Starting with this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam courtesy of: THE WHO.

When it comes to ranking the most legendary bands in classic rock history, there is generally an accepted holy trinity of rock royalty listed at the top of any list in some order. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin. Then everybody else is lumped together, and ranked by fans based on personal preference. The Who always seem to be kind of the forgotten top tier classic rock band that nobody lists among their personal favorites. Which blows my mind because the Who are so fucking Rad. Few rock bands can say that all of their members were completely essential to the group's sound, and The Who are one of them. Next to Robert Plant, frontman Roger Daltry has probably the best pure rock voice in history. He also personifies everything we think of when we think of a lead singer in rock and roll. Some Rad dude dressed like a 1980's WWF wrestler with long warrior locks pumping his fist and throwing his microphone around like a yo-yo to urge on the crowd's energy. Guitarist Pete Townshend was the group's mastermind who not only wrote all the band's killer riffs but also wrote most of The Who's lyrics. John Entswistle was the band's secret weapon laying down Rad basslines that made sure all of the Who's songs moved and grooved continuously. The heart and soul of The Who however, was obviously drummer Keith Moon, a Hall of Fame Rad Dude. There is no other band where you can legitimately say you notice the drumming before you notice any other element. I literally get a workout from air drumming along to Keith Moon's drum fills.

More than perhaps any other band before or since, The Who were all about the importance of the live performane. Before The Who, rock and roll was all about catchy singles, creatively produced albums, and having the right look. Then The Who came along and it was suddenly a must for fans to actually attend a rock concert and take in the live experience, in order to gain a full appreciation of a great band. The Who actually sounded better live than they did on record. You can't get a full understanding of how epic and badass The Who are, unless you listen to their live stuff. Their famous singles and concept albums just don't do the band's sound justice. I had to pick up "Live at Leeds" and "Live at the Isle of Wight" before I grasped how much pure rock power and adrenaline they brought to the table. Keith Moon and Pete Townshend would throw so much energy into their playing, sweat would literally drench their drum kit and guitar, and their perspiration would go flying up in the air off their respective instruments as they wailed away. (The fact that they you know...overindulged in their Rad consumption of booze and heroin may also have contributed to this of course). Townshend especially was a fucking madman on stage. Jumping up in the air, swinging his arms like a windmill, and playing every note as loud as possible. He also invented the patented rock and roll move of smashing his guitar to bits at the end of a show. RAD.

The Who today are unfortunately a shell of their former selves with Daltry and Townshend being the only surviving members. Once Keith Moon OD'd on Rad and passed away towards the end of The Who's prime the band was never really the same. However, even today you can still tell that when Pete and Roger get on stage they have a sense of the moment once they hear the first roar of the crowd. If nothing else, the spirit of a Who live show still lives on even if the drumming and bass work behind the two lead guys is pretty shitty nowadays. Which is to say I would still rather watch the theatrics of old man Daltry and old man Townshend swinging a mic and windmilling on a guitar at the Super Bowl halftime show, over a more "fresh" performance by some shitty modern band anyday. This week's Rad Jam is a Who b-side written by John Entswistle that the band always opened their shows with during their prime in the early 7os. "Heaven and Hell" like most classic Who songs is simple, raw and straight to the point. This song's about ending up in either heaven or hell. We all know where the Rad dudes are headed. End of story. Lets get to rocking. Enjoy your weekend folks.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: LCD SOUNDSYSTEM

The new year is upon us, but unfortunately the first week of 2011 has not seen the world of rock and roll magically undergo a transformation back to its previous state of Radness. Music still sucks balls, and there are still a great many shittastic "rock" bands out there playing horrendously lame music, and not getting called out for it. Last week to close out 2010 we examined all the bands that ruled the Billboard charts, thanks to ignorant assholes across the country who thought their awful records were worth forking over 14 pesos for. As I've said before however, mainstream music fans are like the kids who ride the short bus. They've always listened to shitty music and are not gonna change anytime soon. You can't teach a retard to do equations for NASA, just as you can't make a Nickelback fan suddenly gain an appreciation for Led Zeppelin. This week however we turn our attention away from commercially succesful bands and back to the critical darlings of the rock industry. Bands who..when you name drop them, indicate you have a sense of what's cool and hip, show off your refined taste in tunes. Even though these bands are also complete audio diarrhea. One band that was consistently the hip, barely under the radar band on every dipshit music critic's top 10 list for 2010 is this week's Band That Sucks Balls: LCD SOUNDSYSTEM.

If you got past looking at the attached picture of these cock gobblers above without getting the sudden urge to bury a shelter's worth of puppies in a mine shaft, you sir are a stronger soul than I. Just examine the complete lack of Rad in this fucking picture. Back in the day, when you were in a badass rock band your pictures featured you actually looking at the camera, striking a Rad pose and such. Not today. No the boys and girl of LCD Soundsystem would rather sit on a bench and look over yonder with their ironic 80's retro shades and appear introspective. The lead singer James Murphy, is the douchebag on the left in the suit, white sneaks, and t-shirt. He looks like the offspring of an orchestra maestro that got raped by a hipster. Then look at his sidekick Pat Mahoney (most un-Rad rockname ever) on the right. He's rocking a sweet flannel from Urban Outfitters, skinny jeans, hipster beard, and fucking blue sperrys. Is he going sailing after the show? Oh and he's obviously pounding a bottle of Schweppes Ginger Ale (bottom right) in true rock and roll fashion. In the center we have Nancy Whang (giggle..pronounced..WANG) who is an Asian woman. Does anything else really need to be said? I think Yoko Ono set your race/gender combo back a thousand years and pretty much blacklisted you from entering the world of rock and roll forever. Go pick up a violin honey.

(I take that last bit back. "Kassandra" from Waynes World...exception. Totally Rad hot Asian rock chick.)

LCD Soundsystem's music is actually quite a bit worse than you could even imagine based on their appearance. Their band leader Mr. Murphy is credited as playing among other things: percussion, claps, organ, programming (?), drum machine, synths, effects, clavinet, snaps, omnichord, and vocoder. Jesus Christ. So basically he plays 80 million random ass shitty instruments that have no place in rock and roll. Are you serious? Fucking "PROGRAMMING" and "EFFECTS" are considered instruments? Oh sweet he fucking wails on the drum machine. Just because you are over qualified to be a production engineer doesn't mean you should be fronting a rock band fucktard. Pat Mahoney and Ms. Whang (hahahaha...her name's WANG!!) apparently don't do shit when the band's in the studio recording one of their piece of shit albums, but provide support during the live shows. Onstage the frontman can't possibly play THREE synths at the same time (completely essential to a rock band: multiple synths) so that's where redbeard Mahoney and Ms. Shaft (excuse me..Ms. Whang) come into play. Basically their sound is the musical equivalent of throwing 14 variations of feces at a wall and referring to whatever sticks as "art."

This is the part where some hipster who's attended the last five SXSW festivals is slamming down his PBR, throwing his scarf in disgust and yelling "Fuck you angry old man music snob! LCD Soundsystem RULES! Have you ever seen them live??" Um, actually my bearded, "Johnny Ramone for President" t-shirt wearing friend...I have. They SUCK. A couple years ago when I still had a little faith in music and attended festivals, a co-worker told me I HAD to check out LCD Soundsystem if I got a chance. So I actually left the Beastie Boys set early (Rad dance party) to go see what all the fuss was about re: these clowns. I get to the stage there's some asshole screaming in a random rhythm, interjecting weird falsetto yelps into the jam every 30 seconds. Some banging, repetitive piano playing of maximum four keys. Some asshat continuously tapping one piece of his drum kit. And an emo Asian chick intermittently pressing buttons on some sort of effects keyboard. FRIGGIN SWEET! It was like a bunch of songs from a "Flight of The Conchords" episode except sadly this band wasn't making an attempt at humor.

LCD Soundsystem is Exhibit A to my presentation for "Why I no longer attend festivals." You can't go to a festival and simply enjoy the few fun, halfway decent, old groups that are playing. No you have to go see the uniquely hip modern band that either your friends want to check out, or you've been told to see by your music snob buddy. That band ends up being LCD Soundsystem and you end up sitting in 100 degree heat, drinking stale beer, surrounded by hipsters, wanting to bash your brains out with a Louisville Slugger 10 minutes into the set. Count me out of that adventure. I hope LCD Soundsystem dies in a tragic electrical fire caused by the miswiring of their 77 synths and drum machines. If they don't I still don't plan on blasting the musical excrement of these assholes on any soundsystem of mine in the near or distant future.

(BTW....the chick in the band is named...WANG)