Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Yuppie #1: You know it's really starting to piss me off that Randall Lofts REFUSES to install a recycling program here. I've complained to management several times about this issue.
Yuppie #2: I KNOW! It's ridiculous! I'm really starting to get irritated at the fact that I have to spend so much money on gas, driving to a recycling center EVERY week!!
Yuppie #1: You know they're making the small effort to Go Green everywhere else, it's about time these guys got their frigging act together.
(The two douchebags then exit elevator. I assume they head to their respective hybrid vehicles)
God. I seriously don't know which one of these losers to designate as the bigger tool. Recycling is a good idea in theory and if there are recycling bins in your apartment complex/neighborhood then fine, go ahead and recycle your trash. If you actually spend money on gas to drive out of your way, just to show how much you care about the environment you are a fucking clown. As for the other jackoff, do you seriously need to file complaints with management over putting in recycling bins?? Our apartment building is an old decrepit piece of shit. The garbage disposals don't work. We have bugs. The fucking hinges are falling off the doors. I think management has more pressing issues to deal with than your gripe about recycling bins. No wonder the front desk cringes everytime I say I need to fill out a maintenance request.
I seriously do not understand the whole "Going Green" phenomenon. Seriously who gives a shit? Not me, that's for sure. I don't think anybody really "cares about the environment" they just like telling people how environmentally conscious they are so they can escape judgment. Yeah, it's actually gotten to the point now where if your office/apartment etc. hasn't "Gone Green" they are looked down upon like some sort of terrorist organization. Worse yet, if you occupy a "Green-Friendly" environment and don't make the fullest effort to participate you are outcast like some sort of pedophile.
At my old job our office went "Green." This was fucking awful. First they got rid of the normal cups in the pantry and replaced them with smaller cups made from some bullshit environmentally-friendly material that corroded if you left soda/coffee in it for more than 15 minutes. If somebody caught me throwing one of these flimsy cups into the trash instead of the designated recycling area, I was immediately judged or scolded. The worst part is now everybody had to read these fucking mass e-mails sent to the ENTIRE office about how we needed to do a better job "Going Green." Seriously I have more interest in reading the mass e-mail about some secretary's 4th baby, than I do in reading about recycling on my floor.
I would love somebody to explain to me what the IMMEDIATE effects of NOT "Going Green" would be. What happens if we don't all recycle? And we don't make cups and plates from environmentally friendly materials? And we don't eat organic produce? Is the fucking sun gonna fall out of the sky? Will trees suddenly start falling over and crushing our houses and cars in the driveway?? If we don't all switch to hybrid cars will the smog in the air get so bad that I die of lung cancer in the next 10 years? NO? Yeah I didn't think so. Last time I checked people before 1990 were foreign to the concept of being environmentally friendly and they all survived. So who cares? I could care less about what happens to the environment down the line. My kids and grandkids might suffer because I didn't take enough care of the environment. Hey I haven't met them yet and there is a distinct possibility they will be assholes. So fuck em'. I couldn't less about your stupid cause "Green" people. So leave me alone. I've got a lot of beer cans to clean up and NOT recycle, and a lot of errands to run while cruising in my giant air polluting SUV.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I was sitting around watching the Little League World Series today because hey there was nothing else on and the LLWS is truly (to be cliche) the "purest" level of sports. Call me naive but I'm under the assumption that at least 80 to 85% of these 12 year olds have not yet discovered the magic of performance enhancing drugs yet. Anyways I'm in a nice positive mood, relaxing on a Sunday watching Mexico beat up on Germany. Then the play by play guys notify me that they have a "truly inspiring story" about a young man on one of the teams...
ESPN's boys in the booth then spend the next 10 minutes talking about some kid with multiple sclerosis that is an honorary member of one of the teams. He is really courageous and it's just so inspiring that his teammates are so supportive and bring him along for the ride. Then ESPN proceeds to show us this poor kid with his crippling disease in the stands and have him do the play by play for an inning. Jesus. Here I was sitting around enjoying a little baseball on a lazy Sunday and now I'm completely dejected. What am I doing with my life? If I thought for a second that my life sucks I should think about the fact that I don't have multiple sclerosis. In fact instead of spending $60 at the bar last night I could have donated that money to MS research. Now I feel like if I don't root for this team with the inspirational diseased kid mascot to win I have no soul.ESPN does this shit ALL THE TIME. Look I'm sorry I'm not Ebenezer Scrooge over here. It's not like I am unsympathetic to children with debilitating diseases or something. It is truly sad that there are kids out there that have to deal with that type of adversity. Why however, do we need to hear about this type of stuff during sports broadcasts? It's fucking depressing. Do you know why I love sports? Sports are the world's greatest distraction from reality. We watch sports to get away from thinking about what a cruel world we live in. If you've had a tough week at work. Or your grandpa is sick. Or you're dealing with some other tough life obstacle. With sports you can forget about all this for three hours and get lost in the fact that you really need your team to win to stay in the wild card race. Basically you get to invest yourself in something meaningless, to distract yourself from real life issues. When ESPN beats you over the head with depressing "inspirational" stories of terminally ill children during their broadcasts, you are once again forced to think about how there are more important things in life than a stupid ballgame.
The worst is ESPN's "My Wish" program. Basically ESPN takes kids with terminal illnesses or some other terrible handicap and gives them a chance to meet their favorite athlete/team. This is after all the kid's "Wish" presumably. To hang out with their favorite overpaid douchebag running back for a day and get a signed football and jersey out of it. ESPN repeatedly devotes a 10 minute segment to this on Sportscenter. Last time I checked Sportscenter is defined by my TV guide as "a thorough presentation of sports news, highlights, and analysis." Not "A thorough presentation of inspirational stories." The other thing that pisses me off is that "My Wish" is another example of the media trying to portray athletes as "Heroes" Oh wow. Brett Favre took 30 minutes of his busy day at training camp to carry a crippled kid on his back and sign a football. I'm so inspired by how much he cares. Aww Tedy Bruschi got some kid with cancer front row tickets to the week 1 Monday Night Football game. He is basically the fucking Mother Teresa of scrappy middle linebackers.
Personally if I were a dying 12 year old cancer patient I'd have no fucking interest in getting a signed jersey from Peyton Manning. How about ESPN really makes a kid's dreams come true and arranges to take him to Vegas? Have Chris Johnson buy him an evening of lap dances. Or let Ben Roethlisberger take him to a frat party and have his sloppy sorostitute seconds. Or let him spend a day taking bong hits with Ricky Williams. You know..something that literally makes you say "now I can die happy." THAT would be inspirational and wouldn't depress me when I'm trying to watch sports and forget how mch life sucks. Arranging for a terminally ill child to attend Oakland Raiders training camp...? Shit you might as well pull the plug on him yourself ESPN.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Look I owned "Dookie" when I was a kid. That CD kicked ass and you're lying if you claim you didn't like it. Every kid had this record. To quote Wayne's World: "If you lived in the suburbs you were issued it. It came in the mail with samples of Tide." Green Day burst onto the scene in the mid 90's with "Dookie" because all of the songs were just infectious catchy 3 minute punk rock jams that kids couldn't help but love. All of the songs on "Dookie" were basically about the trials and tribulations of the teenage loser. You smoked pot all day, wished your parents would stop nagging you about getting a job, and just wanted to "Live the Dream." You related to "Dookie." You and your first girlfriend used to rock out to Green Day before heading to the mall to buy new Airwalks together.
Then Green Day kinda dropped off the map for a little while. They continued to have a following and sell a good amount of records, but didn't come out with anything that came close to approaching the success of "Dookie." Then I remember Green Day really appearing on my radar again at the end of the millenium when they released that fucking "Time of Your Life" song that was the theme song to EVERYONE'S graduation. "Awww!! High School's over!! :( I hope you had the time of your life. Lets all hold hands and sing along to this shitty Green Day acoustic ballad." Jesus Christ I hate this song. For that matter I hate every high school "senior song." (Yeah Eve 6 you and your shitbag song "Here's to the Night" can also go die a slow and painful death somewhere). What is sad about leaving high school? You're now going to college which is actually gonna be the "Time of Your Life." So how bout we stop lamenting the end of 12th grade, while listening to Green Day and celebrate not having to see any of these assholes again.
Anyways, other than that shitty "Senior Song" Green Day didn't release too much annoying music until Post-9/11. At this point they decided that they would join the parade of rock stars and movie stars that were publically voicing their disapproval of the Bush administration. (Yeah great you think George W. Bush is a shitty president. Thanks, how original so does everybody.) Except Green Day decided that they would write an entire "concept rock opera" about the Bush Administration and what's wrong with America entitled "American Idiot." This album blew up on the charts and was obviously critically acclaimed across the media spectrum. I mean why wouldn't it be? Music and media critics are all braindead liberals that blindly blow anybody that criticizes the Republican Party. You could not turn on the radio without hearing a shitty Green Day single on the radio. The first single was of course "DON'T WANNA BE AN AMEEEERICAN IDIOT!!" This at least kinda sounded like a Green Day punk song, but frankly if you don't want to be an American idiot you can just get the fuck out of my country and move to Finland Green Day.
Then Green Day started releasing a series of emotional 6 minute ballads about September ending and walking alone on Boulevards of Broken Dreams. These songs were awful. Why are you walking on a Boulevard of broken dreams Green Day? It seems to me you are living your dream of being a group of self righteous rock star assholes. I'd rather not wake you up "Wheeeen September Ends" I'd much rather you wake me up when this fucking nightmare of a song is over. I actually went to a Green Day concert a couple of years ago. I figured "hey they gotta play a bunch of stuff from Dookie at least since those are their biggest hits, this should be tolerable." Yeah they played like 3 songs from "Dookie." The rest of the setlist was spent with the band jamming out their "Rock-Opera" hits with various clips of political propaganda on a big screen behind them. We left early, before getting the opportunity to hold hands and cry to the inevevitable show closer "Time of your Life."
Basically Green Day, you should just go back to writing catchy 3 minute rock anthems. That's what you're good at. You have fucking dyed hair, I don't need to listen to you rant on what direction our nation is headed in. You made it big singing about lying on your mom's couch all day stoned and masterbating. Now you write pompous rock opera concept albums. Well your rock operas fucking blow. I hope you've had the time of your life and proceed to stop writing shitty music ASAP.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Eat Pray Love
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Without anymore unnecessary lambasting of all things dumbfuckery, let's look at the typical classes of status message:
1. We'll call this one "My job sucks, and I will tell you about it every day in 160 characters or less"
Work sucks. Any schmuck with a college degree and a shred of sensibility has learned this lesson at their entry-level job. But there is a class of people who somehow think they are unique for showing up every day to a shitty job and dealing with shitty bosses and doing meaningless work. This would be all well and good if they didn't feel the need to broadcast their inadequacies to their entire circle of friends.
" 'Someone's got a case of the Mondays' isn't funny when you actually have them."
"The only thing worse than work today was staying late until 7 to do nothing."
"If I received a gunshot for every dumb question I've been asked today by my boss, Amadou Diallo would have been like 41 wasn't so bad."
We get it. We've been there. Your job sucks. You're overworked, underpaid and smarter than everyone else. You're also in your mid-20s, and maybe if you didn't spend half your fucking day coming up with an inane status message, you might have moved on to something less mind-numbing. But, that's not your style. Far better to spoil all of us with your creative talents in finding a new way every day to describe your awful job.
2. "Fuckin' Jagerbombs!"
You're such a fucking bro, bro. You drink? I know you do. How much? 8 nights a mother fuckin' week, bro! How do I know all of this? Because you see no problem broadcasting to the world every morning just how you spend your leisure time. Typically a variation on the 'So hungover' or the 'Now I know why it's called a fuzzy navel...' status, you wear your alcoholism like a badge of pride to be shared every morning. It's noble work you do, subsidizing local bartenders with your copious consumption of various beers and college shots. That said, I don't give a fuck. You're too old to think drinking is still cool. When you get to the point where drinking is just drinking and you can comfortably do it alone without telling me, post that shit. Until then, save the Text From Last Night that you copied because it was like, totally spot on for, like, what we did last night and shove it up your fartbox.
3. The Voyeur Status
The world is a crazy place. There's so many weird people doing fucked up things, like the guy on the subway eating a pickle sandwich at 9 AM. Or the woman who farted on the elevator. Or the creepy bum who calls you 'Sugar.' I understand your liberal arts education didn't include a class titled 'Shit you will see everyday that is normal to everyone else except you," but please spare us your bemusement about the "odd" thing you saw today. Strange people ride the subway, and yes they will occasionally look at your tits. He's not creepy, he's bored. I know it was strange to see a 60 year old guy rocking out in his car to Katy Perry, but why does this bother you so much to the point that you need the rest of us to chime in and go, 'Yeah, what a loser.' Is it our approval you seek with these petty observations? Our laughter? Joke's on you fuckface because I just think you're the moron for spending more than 10 seconds even thinking about these people.
4. "Check out this totally funny conversation I had that me and one other person find funny!"
We all chat with numerous people each day for a large amount of time.Sometimes, we even say funny things. Now, you might be new to, say, having friends, but this will happen from time to time where one of you speaks and the other will reply with something that makes the two of you laugh. It's called human interaction, it has happened before. Still, your conversation snippet was so funny, so unusually hilarious that it goes beyond the bounds of privacy. Everyone needs to know this RIGHT FUCKING NOW AND ALL FUCKING DAY even if they don't understand it or it has no context.
"Twatface: i always get hit on by creepy latino guys// it's like I'm made of taco. Friend of Twatface: I love chicks who smell like meat."
Yeah, this isn't funny. I know you ROFL'd and LMFAO'd and may have even pissed your self, but I'm not laughing. Again, I read between the lines and see a girl who is too dumb to realize that a) not all latinos eat tacos and b) a guy ordering a drink next to you at a bar is not a passive-aggressive attempt at future fornication. I also see someone with a friend who is retarded. That's what I got from your status message, that you and your friends are dumb cunts.
5. The Amateur Poet
I call this one amateur because it's basically plagiarism. You: shitty day, bad breakup, no return call from the slooze who gave you her number by accident on Saturday. Your status: Melodramatic lines from an obscure song, or possibly even a well known song to maximize the circle of people who will understand you are overly emotional today.
Wasted PAP Smear: But sometimes//We forget what we got//Who we are//Oh who are are not.
Aww, poor guy. I see your trap. I'm supposed to ask what's up and then you tell me how heartbroken you are because the one-night stand that turned into a torrid 2 month love affair ended when you found out the chick was banging some Norwegian MBA student named Olaf (true story by the way). I've learned not to fall for this gambit lest I get sucked into you emoting all over my screen like 12-year old me did when I got Compuserve.
6. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
"At da beach!" (Get off your fucking phone)
"NYC roadtrip to see my favorites!!!!! :-x" (So you're unreachable this weekend, didn't give a shit when you were around.)
"Sex & The City tonight!!" (I hope your Cosmo gets enough roofie to kill a pony)
If you're not online to chat, turn off your fucking computer or phone and go do whatever it is you say you're actually doing. That's a good way to keep people from interrupting. Not only that, but quit being such a self-aggrandizing asshole. You're not Lebron, no one gives a fuck where you're going.
Which brings us to the acceptable forms of gchat status:
1. A cool video or song clip. Maybe set the mood a bit with a "Fuckin' Friday!' and then a link to Paradise City or "Holy fuck this is cool" with a link to that hippo vs. giraffe youtube video. Give me something that will make my day a little better without any of your own fucking baggage and you will remain on always show status. For example, today's status celebrates the end of work with a link to Peanut Butter Jelly Time. No frills, no bullshit, just some good fucking internet meme humor.
2. A legitimately funny story or news item. For example, a bartender friend referenced serving the Rwandan ambassador and his cadre of 3 underaged girls. That is funny to me and something I wouldn't have known before. So, informative and hilarious. Bring it on. Similarly, I found out about that god-awful KFC sandwich that uses fried chicken as a bun through a status message. A tip of the cap to you, friend.
3. Self-promotion of various parties or other for-profit ventures. I like these because they are useful (I might find a place to go hang out on the cheap while still helping you, my friend) or ignoreable (seen the message once and can ignore it for the next several days, which you thankfully know since you don't change it). That's what the internet is for: porn and selling shit. I appreciate the people who recognize they can only offer one in a gchat status.
Just like the movies, silence is fucking golden.