Sunday, August 29, 2010

At War With My Competitors

I'm a competitive person by nature. So obviously, even though blogging is just an outlet for me to rant on stupid everyday observations, I wouldn't mind it becoming as popular as possible on the internets. I realize that there are ingenious websites/blogs out there on the web that I will never be ever to compete with. You can't run out of pictures of owls looking hungover with funny captions. You can't run out of pictures of fucking hipsters for people to look at and judge. And there is no limit to the number of stupid things that white people have a fancy for. So these sites all deserve to get more hits than mine. I would like however, to at least be the most popular site with my variation of domain name (i.e. the term "Get Off My Lawn"). So I googled it. Apparently my site is the second blog spot result that pops up along with two other people's blogs. Well frankly, these people's blogs suck balls. So that you don't have to do the research and stumble onto reading their lame ass rants, I will now break down why the other members of the "Get Off My Lawn" blogosphere need to get off my internet.

This blog is fucking lame. First of all, naming your blog "Get off My Lawn!" indicates that you are a pissed off old man ready to spew viscious hatred upon everything wrong with the world. You can tell right away this guy is not angry. He is just EMO. Look at his blogger picture. It's just an artsy black and white shot of him staring at you with a contemplative look on his face. He is not angry. He is just mildly disturbed and depressed by some of life's trends. He probably listens to Dashbooard Confessional while writing his fucking entries.

Bloggers by nature are people who like hearing themselves talk, otherwise they wouldn't assume that people on the internet are interested in reading their thoughts. This guy however, REALLY likes to hear himself talk. He is a fucking intellectual and wants you to know it. He owns many leather bound books that smell like rich mahogany. He seriously wrote an entire blog entry devoted to his newly purchased collection of "Great Books of the Western World." Just fucking read this sentence about the missing volume in his fancy pants book collection:

"Now if Cervantes or the Newton/Huygens volume had been missing, I wouldn't think much of it. I wouldn't bat an eye at a truant Fielding. I might lament an absent Aristotle, but I don't think I'd wonder."

ZOMG!! Look at me name-dropping famous intellectuals and philosophers!! I'm so cultured! I READ!! I also almost used the term "TRUANT" correctly in a sentence! Fuck off. I'm an English major I'm not impressed. Take that Sherlock Holmes pipe you're smoking and shove it up your ass.

Further research reveals that this guy is Canadian. Ok no further comment necessary. Nobody cares what people in the homeless man's America think.

This is the most popular "Get Off My Lawn" result out on the world wide web. I'll admit this site is better than the aformentioned emo Hoser's blog. I mean at least it's angry. She occasionally comments with angry thoughts on everyday occurences I also take issue with. And she apparently likes "Mad Men" so that's a point I guess. Then I notice that she lists "San Francheesy," California as her home. Oh Jesus. You are probably an uppity thirty something vegan white woman, who moved to Frisco so you could be at home with other people who like saving the environment, buying organic groceries and the general scent of their own farts. I bet you had a blast helping keep Outside Lands Festival ECO-friendly this year:

(Ok Todd That's not nice. Not EVERYONE from San Francisco fits into your narrow-minded stereotypes. Why don't you at least wait to read this blogger describe themself before jumping to conclusions...?)


OH. MY. GOD. You seriously felt the need to emphasize that you drive a fucking Prius. I hope your eco-friendly glorified go-cart gets rear-ended by a Hummer on the Golden Gate bridge in the near future. Also, thanks for telling me you hold an "Advanced Degree." Wow I'm so impressed. You know who else gets a graduate education these days...? FUCKING EVERYONE. What is your "Advanced Degree" in? Is it a law degree? Are you a C.P.A? NO? Well then who the fuck cares. You spent seven years studying psychology, writing four page papers. That's not all that impressive.

This twat is also one of those people who tells you about every occurence/nuance in her own personal life and career. Oh you had a conference call today with a client in England! And it went badly?? Last time I checked I wasn't in the room conversing with these Brits so who gives a shit. I bet you have awesome Facebook and G-Chat status messages bitching about your mundane mid level job.

Also this information is not worth posting on the internet:

"A breakfast strata with roast mushrooms, heirloom tomatoes, artichokes, and herbed goat cheese, is a fine thing and quite enjoyable"

Actually that sounds quite...gross. Why the hell would I ever eat a goat cheese and artichoke sandwich for breakfast? Certainly not for personal enjoyment. No I would only do this if I wanted to inform people of my healthy veggie diet. Nobody cares about your delicious "strata." How bout' you drive your fucking Prius over to Mickey D's and try getting yourself a real breakfast treat with a fried egg and some bacon? Whore.

Well there you have it. To quote Charlie Kelly "I think I've been sufficiently redundant." These other "Lawn" bloggers are fucking losers. They are certainly no match for the entertainment value of GOMLK. They should retire their lame websites immediately so I can reign supreme over the "Get Off My Lawn" blogosphere market. That is all.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: U2

Sometimes a band can suck balls for years, even decades and still continue to be hugely succesful. This can be accomplished by way of two magical words: "CRITICAL ACCLAIM." If critics love your band it doesn't matter how much you blow. You will continue to sell millions of records. You will continue to sell out huge arena tours. You will continue to get your mugs posted on the cover of every music magazine, everytime you so much as mention you might be heading into the studio to record the sounds of your own flatulence. I mean your band's newest release just got a 5 star rating in Rolling Stone for the fourth consecutive album. Why shouldn't people run to the store to pick it up? Your new cover story proclaims "Confessions of The World's Biggest band." Why shouldn't people sleep outside ticketmaster outlets to buy overpriced tickets for your arena tour? No band has skated by on the strength of douchebag critics opinions for longer and to a greater degree than this weeks Band That Sucks Balls: U2.

U2 has been around for my entire lifetime. And I can't remember one point where they weren't huge. When they weren't deified as rock gods. I can't remember one U2 album coming out that critics panned as "average." All this of course blows my mind becase U2 FUCKING SUCKS. There are actually some people I know who might hate U2 more than I do. I am at least old enough to acknowledge that at the outset decades ago, U2 had some potential. They emerged as four working class Irish kids with a chip on their shoulder who were kinda punkish/rebellious. They released like two or three decent songs. They were all about "standing for something" (Sign #1 a band is destined to bury their heads up their own asses). Bono didn't even wear sunglasses. For some reason this minute amount of halfway decent music they released led to critics absolutely falling in love with them. Suddenly U2 was the world's "Greatest Rock Band." They were universally proclaimed the best live act around. Their albums sold more and more records. Their stadium tours got bigger and more elaborate. Bono put on sunglasses and became an authority on the world's problems. The rest is history.

There must be some sort of underground conspiracy in the music world I am not aware of that is responsible for U2's continuing success and critical acclaim. They have been making shitty music for two decades now. Do any of these jackoff critics actually LISTEN to any of U2's albums before giving out 5 star ratings like candy? I could have written "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAAAAAY." Jesus Christ. Hearing that song makes me want to kick baby strollers into oncoming traffic. When I inevitably end up in Hell, I assume "Beautiful Day" will be blared on repeat while I am forced to watch an all Tyler Perry cable network. Then U2 decided to apparently sign a deal with Apple and now I have to hear the new shitty U2 song everytime an Apple commercial comes on. Fuck you Apple. I would be a lot more interested in purchasing the new IPhone if "HELLOOOOO HELLOOOOOO!!" wasn't blaring during your God damn commercial. U2's latest project was...writing a Spider Man musical.

(head explodes)

WHAT?? Why the fuck do we need a U2 Spiderman musical?! Spiderman sucks. U2 sucks. Who the hell came up with this idea? What happened Broadway...did the deal for the "Twilight" musical scored by R.E.M. fall through??

U2's band is pictured above in it's entirety. U2's Wikipedia page will tell you that Adam Clayton plays bass and Larry Mullen Jr. plays drums in the band. Yeah nobody knows who the fuck these people are. You could replace Adam and Larry with Gilbert Godfried and a homeless Mexican and nobody would notice. U2 is the single-named douche duo of Bono and "The Edge." I've already covered what a jackass Bono is off the stage. Onstage he is no less of a pompous cock. He sings in an over the top operatic whine. He poses in elaborate stances with his arms spread while the arena spotlight shines on him like he is Jesus resurrected. Everything is a production with him directing attention to himself. He also always wears sunglesses, and not cool rock star sunglasses. NO. He wears colored see-through sunglasses. You know who else wears those sunglasses Bono? My mother (who I might add is way cooler than fucking Bono).

The Edge is the Silent Bob to Bono's Jay in the world of shitty arena rock. He also sucks. If you are gonna go by a cool moniker like "The Edge" you had better be a pretty badass guitarist who plays..."edgy" music. The Edge is a horrible guitarist. Since he has no actual guitar skills, critics choose to praise him as "a master of reverb and subtlety." WTF does that mean? His ability to play two chord "DING DING...DANG DANG" riffs on repeat makes him a master of "subtlety?" That's retarded. That's like saying my inability to dunk a basketball makes me a "master of subtlety" on the hardwood with my stirring layups. The Edge like Bono has a signature look: The fitter winter cap. Hey EDGE. You're playing an open air stadium show in July. Take your fucking stocking cap off dickhead you're not a chemo patient.

Anyways U2 are firmly entrenched as media darlings. So there is no end in sight to their reign as critically acclaimed rock gods that dominate our air waves. I guess we can just pray that Bono catches malaria on one of his upcoming Save Africa expeditions. Otherwise we will have to hear U2's epic shitty music forever. Just know that I'm not on board to go see "With or Without You" performed live with you anytime soon. If you purchase a ticket to see U2's Spiderman musical I have no choice but to assume you are either a terrorist, a pedophile, or a Nicolas Cage movie buff.

Monday, August 23, 2010

It's Not Easy Being Green...So Fuck it.

Today I was taking my dog out and got in the elevator with a couple of middle aged yuppies. I couldn't help but notice that one of the men sporting Birkenstocks was there with his son and was making the kid lug four grocery bags filled with cans and bottles. He was lugging four or five grocery bags of similar trash himself. Usually I ignore the elevator small talk of my other apartment residents if they're not addressing me but I couldn't help but listen in on this exchange.

Yuppie #1:
You know it's really starting to piss me off that Randall Lofts REFUSES to install a recycling program here. I've complained to management several times about this issue.

Yuppie #2:
I KNOW! It's ridiculous! I'm really starting to get irritated at the fact that I have to spend so much money on gas, driving to a recycling center EVERY week!!

Yuppie #1:
You know they're making the small effort to Go Green everywhere else, it's about time these guys got their frigging act together.

(The two douchebags then exit elevator. I assume they head to their respective hybrid vehicles)

God. I seriously don't know which one of these losers to designate as the bigger tool. Recycling is a good idea in theory and if there are recycling bins in your apartment complex/neighborhood then fine, go ahead and recycle your trash. If you actually spend money on gas to drive out of your way, just to show how much you care about the environment you are a fucking clown. As for the other jackoff, do you seriously need to file complaints with management over putting in recycling bins?? Our apartment building is an old decrepit piece of shit. The garbage disposals don't work. We have bugs. The fucking hinges are falling off the doors. I think management has more pressing issues to deal with than your gripe about recycling bins. No wonder the front desk cringes everytime I say I need to fill out a maintenance request.

I seriously do not understand the whole "Going Green" phenomenon. Seriously who gives a shit? Not me, that's for sure. I don't think anybody really "cares about the environment" they just like telling people how environmentally conscious they are so they can escape judgment. Yeah, it's actually gotten to the point now where if your office/apartment etc. hasn't "Gone Green" they are looked down upon like some sort of terrorist organization. Worse yet, if you occupy a "Green-Friendly" environment and don't make the fullest effort to participate you are outcast like some sort of pedophile.

At my old job our office went "Green." This was fucking awful. First they got rid of the normal cups in the pantry and replaced them with smaller cups made from some bullshit environmentally-friendly material that corroded if you left soda/coffee in it for more than 15 minutes. If somebody caught me throwing one of these flimsy cups into the trash instead of the designated recycling area, I was immediately judged or scolded. The worst part is now everybody had to read these fucking mass e-mails sent to the ENTIRE office about how we needed to do a better job "Going Green." Seriously I have more interest in reading the mass e-mail about some secretary's 4th baby, than I do in reading about recycling on my floor.

I would love somebody to explain to me what the IMMEDIATE effects of NOT "Going Green" would be. What happens if we don't all recycle? And we don't make cups and plates from environmentally friendly materials? And we don't eat organic produce? Is the fucking sun gonna fall out of the sky? Will trees suddenly start falling over and crushing our houses and cars in the driveway?? If we don't all switch to hybrid cars will the smog in the air get so bad that I die of lung cancer in the next 10 years? NO? Yeah I didn't think so. Last time I checked people before 1990 were foreign to the concept of being environmentally friendly and they all survived. So who cares? I could care less about what happens to the environment down the line. My kids and grandkids might suffer because I didn't take enough care of the environment. Hey I haven't met them yet and there is a distinct possibility they will be assholes. So fuck em'. I couldn't less about your stupid cause "Green" people. So leave me alone. I've got a lot of beer cans to clean up and NOT recycle, and a lot of errands to run while cruising in my giant air polluting SUV.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

My Wish is For ESPN to Stop Inspiring Me

I was sitting around watching the Little League World Series today because hey there was nothing else on and the LLWS is truly (to be cliche) the "purest" level of sports. Call me naive but I'm under the assumption that at least 80 to 85% of these 12 year olds have not yet discovered the magic of performance enhancing drugs yet. Anyways I'm in a nice positive mood, relaxing on a Sunday watching Mexico beat up on Germany. Then the play by play guys notify me that they have a "truly inspiring story" about a young man on one of the teams...

(Oh Jesus...)

ESPN's boys in the booth then spend the next 10 minutes talking about some kid with multiple sclerosis that is an honorary member of one of the teams. He is really courageous and it's just so inspiring that his teammates are so supportive and bring him along for the ride. Then ESPN proceeds to show us this poor kid with his crippling disease in the stands and have him do the play by play for an inning. Jesus. Here I was sitting around enjoying a little baseball on a lazy Sunday and now I'm completely dejected. What am I doing with my life? If I thought for a second that my life sucks I should think about the fact that I don't have multiple sclerosis. In fact instead of spending $60 at the bar last night I could have donated that money to MS research. Now I feel like if I don't root for this team with the inspirational diseased kid mascot to win I have no soul.

ESPN does this shit ALL THE TIME. Look I'm sorry I'm not Ebenezer Scrooge over here. It's not like I am unsympathetic to children with debilitating diseases or something. It is truly sad that there are kids out there that have to deal with that type of adversity. Why however, do we need to hear about this type of stuff during sports broadcasts? It's fucking depressing. Do you know why I love sports? Sports are the world's greatest distraction from reality. We watch sports to get away from thinking about what a cruel world we live in. If you've had a tough week at work. Or your grandpa is sick. Or you're dealing with some other tough life obstacle. With sports you can forget about all this for three hours and get lost in the fact that you really need your team to win to stay in the wild card race. Basically you get to invest yourself in something meaningless, to distract yourself from real life issues. When ESPN beats you over the head with depressing "inspirational" stories of terminally ill children during their broadcasts, you are once again forced to think about how there are more important things in life than a stupid ballgame.

The worst is ESPN's "My Wish" program. Basically ESPN takes kids with terminal illnesses or some other terrible handicap and gives them a chance to meet their favorite athlete/team. This is after all the kid's "Wish" presumably. To hang out with their favorite overpaid douchebag running back for a day and get a signed football and jersey out of it. ESPN repeatedly devotes a 10 minute segment to this on Sportscenter. Last time I checked Sportscenter is defined by my TV guide as "a thorough presentation of sports news, highlights, and analysis." Not "A thorough presentation of inspirational stories." The other thing that pisses me off is that "My Wish" is another example of the media trying to portray athletes as "Heroes" Oh wow. Brett Favre took 30 minutes of his busy day at training camp to carry a crippled kid on his back and sign a football. I'm so inspired by how much he cares. Aww Tedy Bruschi got some kid with cancer front row tickets to the week 1 Monday Night Football game. He is basically the fucking Mother Teresa of scrappy middle linebackers.

Personally if I were a dying 12 year old cancer patient I'd have no fucking interest in getting a signed jersey from Peyton Manning. How about ESPN really makes a kid's dreams come true and arranges to take him to Vegas? Have Chris Johnson buy him an evening of lap dances. Or let Ben Roethlisberger take him to a frat party and have his sloppy sorostitute seconds. Or let him spend a day taking bong hits with Ricky Williams. You know..something that literally makes you say "now I can die happy." THAT would be inspirational and wouldn't depress me when I'm trying to watch sports and forget how mch life sucks. Arranging for a terminally ill child to attend Oakland Raiders training camp...? Shit you might as well pull the plug on him yourself ESPN.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dear Marty, Find These Geezers Some Decent Work

Today is Paul Newman day on AMC. As I've mentioned before Paul Newman totally kicked ass, no need to dwell on the various reasons why. One of the most amazing things about Paul Newman's career is how consistent he was well into his older years. Most good actors have maybe a 7 to 10 year peak where they do their finest work. Truly great actors however, can generally adapt to different roles in their older years and still do great work. Some of Paul Newman's most powerful roles came in his older years from his Oscar winning nod as a veteran pool shark in "The Color of Money" (Age 61) to his final Academy nominated role as an old mob boss in "The Road to Perdition" (Age 77). Today, Clint Eastwood (age 80) is still knocking them out of the park every time he makes a movie. Jack Nicholson (Age 63) even though he does a lot of paycheck comedies, still shines when he's cast in a real movie like "The Departed" or "About Schmidt." Not that I really watch many of her movies, but Merryl Streep upon hitting 60 has recently seen her career flourish with a series of critically acclaimed roles. You get the point. So WHAT I ask the deal with the two geezers pictured to the left?

At one point there were perhaps no two actors in history that had more consistent Hollywood careers than Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. Obviously their careers peaked in the 70s and 80s, but no actor could expect to replicate their ridiculous run of great films in a row during those decades. From the first 2 Godfather flicks in the early 70s through about 1983, it seemed like every single film they appeared in was a classic. Then of course their careers tailed off a little bit, and they started to do some cheesy paycheck films and comedies. Generally however, every couple of years they would appear in a great (or at least good) movie and remind you they could still take charge of a powerful role and keep you glued to the big screen. De Niro countered every "Midnight Run" or "Mad Dog and Glory" with a powerful role in "Cape Fear" or "Casino." For every "Dick Tracy" or "Frankie and Johnny" Al Pacino got involved with there was a great role in "Carlito's Way" or "Donnie Brasco" to make up for it. They of course shared the screen together for the first time (Never seen together in Godfather 2) in 1995's "Heat" and that coffee shop scene is one of those movie moments you ALWAYS sit through whenever you catch it on tv.

Then the millenium hit and I have no fucking clue what happened. I don't know if Pacino and De Niro just randomly started picking shitty roles. I don't know if great directors randomly decided to stop casting them in movies. Who knows? The point is from 2000 onward their careers have pretty much been shit. Name me ONE memorable Pacino/De Niro movie or role from the last decade. One that will stick with you for years to come. The only one that will come to mind is De Niro's turn as asshole father-in-law in "Meet The Parents." Don't get me wrong, "Meet The Parents" was funny the first couple of times and De Niro pulls of subtle comedy really well. That however shouldn't be the ONLY thing a legendary actor is remembered for over the course of a decade. "The Score" is the last decent De Niro flick I remember. Pacino doesn't really dabble in comedy except when it's unintentional so he has had zero memorable roles after 2000. "Insomnia" was a halfway decent flick but that was at the very start of the decade. "The Recruit"..? "Two for the Money." WHAT THE HELL? Why did Al Pacino suddenly start having to share his screen with Colin Farrell and Matthew McConaughey? If there were a Hall of Fame for shitty acting, Farrell and McConaughey would have shrines devoted to them.

Things really hit rock bottom for Al and Bob in 2008 with "Righteous Kill." I was SO psyched for this movie. My two favorite actors acting a cop flick...over the course of a WHOLE MOVIE? No way I am disappointed right. OMG. "Righteous Kill" is maybe the worst fucking movie ever made. Awful. Seriously Rocky 5 is basically "The Shawshank Redemption" compared to "Righteous Kill." I just didn't get it. After all these years, these two legendary actors decide to finally work together on a project, and they get some no-name director, horrible script, and a supporting cast of 50 Cent and the other Wahlberg brother? The thing that really blows my mind is that there seemingly isn't ONE decent director in Hollywood willing to cast Al or Bobby D in a decent movie. All of Scorsese's movies over the last decade featured prominent older male characters. He casts Jack Nicholson, Alec Baldwin...Martin Sheehan to fill these roles. Seriously ONE of these roles couldn't have gone to Pacino or De Niro? Martin Sheehan's turn in "The Departed" featured the WORST movie accent ever. I'm pretty sure Bob or Al could have pulled off saying "Caaaawp" 30 times in an exaggerated Boston Accent.

Despite the disaster that was "Righteous Kill" I'm still conident that these two geezers have some acting chops left. Pacino has garnered recognition for his work in HBO series/movies like "Angels in America" and "You don't Know Jack." De Niro still grabs you with his reserved but powerful on-screen presence, even if it's in a shitty movie like "The Good Shephard." So they just need a good director to take a good script and find a place for Bob or Al in their movie. Then they can get the chance to get on screen and remind us why we idolized them in the first place. So Marty. Or Sydney Lumet. Or Clint Eastwood. Or the Coen Brothers. SOMEBODY. Please find these guys some decent work. If I have to watch these guys trade one-liners with Donnie Wahlberg again I am gonna jump off a fucking bridge.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: GREEN DAY

I think it's a pretty obvious point that money and a band's popularity can have a huge impact on a band's musical direction. Generally this concept relates to the idea that bands have to sell out a little bit to make it to the big time. Yeah your music is cool but you're gonna have clean up your look and write a catchy ballad so that girls will buy your records. Sometimes however, a band makes it to the big time on the merit of their music. A couple of fun loving guys write catchy rock songs people can relate to, and sell a billion records in the process. Often however, these fun loving guys upon reaching the mainstream, realize that they now have a public forum to spew their opinion on everyone and everything. They get so far up their own asses, that they believe the platinum album sales plaque in their home gives them the right to have a political agenda and tell you what's wrong with America. Worse yet...they decide to WRITE SONGS about their warped political views. No band is a more prime example of this phenomenon than This Week's Band That Suck Balls: GREEN DAY.

Look I owned "Dookie" when I was a kid. That CD kicked ass and you're lying if you claim you didn't like it. Every kid had this record. To quote Wayne's World: "If you lived in the suburbs you were issued it. It came in the mail with samples of Tide." Green Day burst onto the scene in the mid 90's with "Dookie" because all of the songs were just infectious catchy 3 minute punk rock jams that kids couldn't help but love. All of the songs on "Dookie" were basically about the trials and tribulations of the teenage loser. You smoked pot all day, wished your parents would stop nagging you about getting a job, and just wanted to "Live the Dream." You related to "Dookie." You and your first girlfriend used to rock out to Green Day before heading to the mall to buy new Airwalks together.

Then Green Day kinda dropped off the map for a little while. They continued to have a following and sell a good amount of records, but didn't come out with anything that came close to approaching the success of "Dookie." Then I remember Green Day really appearing on my radar again at the end of the millenium when they released that fucking "Time of Your Life" song that was the theme song to EVERYONE'S graduation. "Awww!! High School's over!! :( I hope you had the time of your life. Lets all hold hands and sing along to this shitty Green Day acoustic ballad." Jesus Christ I hate this song. For that matter I hate every high school "senior song." (Yeah Eve 6 you and your shitbag song "Here's to the Night" can also go die a slow and painful death somewhere). What is sad about leaving high school? You're now going to college which is actually gonna be the "Time of Your Life." So how bout we stop lamenting the end of 12th grade, while listening to Green Day and celebrate not having to see any of these assholes again.

Anyways, other than that shitty "Senior Song" Green Day didn't release too much annoying music until Post-9/11. At this point they decided that they would join the parade of rock stars and movie stars that were publically voicing their disapproval of the Bush administration. (Yeah great you think George W. Bush is a shitty president. Thanks, how original so does everybody.) Except Green Day decided that they would write an entire "concept rock opera" about the Bush Administration and what's wrong with America entitled "American Idiot." This album blew up on the charts and was obviously critically acclaimed across the media spectrum. I mean why wouldn't it be? Music and media critics are all braindead liberals that blindly blow anybody that criticizes the Republican Party. You could not turn on the radio without hearing a shitty Green Day single on the radio. The first single was of course "DON'T WANNA BE AN AMEEEERICAN IDIOT!!" This at least kinda sounded like a Green Day punk song, but frankly if you don't want to be an American idiot you can just get the fuck out of my country and move to Finland Green Day.

Then Green Day started releasing a series of emotional 6 minute ballads about September ending and walking alone on Boulevards of Broken Dreams. These songs were awful. Why are you walking on a Boulevard of broken dreams Green Day? It seems to me you are living your dream of being a group of self righteous rock star assholes. I'd rather not wake you up "Wheeeen September Ends" I'd much rather you wake me up when this fucking nightmare of a song is over. I actually went to a Green Day concert a couple of years ago. I figured "hey they gotta play a bunch of stuff from Dookie at least since those are their biggest hits, this should be tolerable." Yeah they played like 3 songs from "Dookie." The rest of the setlist was spent with the band jamming out their "Rock-Opera" hits with various clips of political propaganda on a big screen behind them. We left early, before getting the opportunity to hold hands and cry to the inevevitable show closer "Time of your Life."

Basically Green Day, you should just go back to writing catchy 3 minute rock anthems. That's what you're good at. You have fucking dyed hair, I don't need to listen to you rant on what direction our nation is headed in. You made it big singing about lying on your mom's couch all day stoned and masterbating. Now you write pompous rock opera concept albums. Well your rock operas fucking blow. I hope you've had the time of your life and proceed to stop writing shitty music ASAP.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

MTV True Life: I'm a Pussy

When I was growing up old men like myself had real problems to deal with. In addition to having to walk to school 10 miles away in 6 feet of snow, many of us had a number of serious issues to deal with. Your parents got divorced. Your step dad beat your ass with a belt if you didn't eat your vegetables. Your alcoholic uncle abandoned you in the car on hot summer days. Your sister was a cokehead stripper. You moved around a lot, from one shitty apartment to another. You had to work at a fast food joint to have money to afford a shitty car and buy pot. Shit was tough, and props to you for making it this far and becoming a fully functioning member of society in spite of it.

At some point however, kids stopped having real problems. They had stable upbringings. They grew up in a nice picket fence suburb. Dad wasn't hooked on the Wild Turkey and even played catch with them in the backyard. When they turned 16 there was a brand new Honda Accord waiting for them in the driveway. Life was easy, kids had no reason to complain. So they INVENTED problems to bitch about. Everyday nuances and minor obstacles evolved into "Problems" that kids took every opportunity to cry about. All this happened around the time that MTV stopped playing music videos and needed something new to fill their daily programming time slots. So MTV came up with the concept for "MTV True Life."

MTV True Life is a "documentary" series on MTV where kids who don't have real problems get an entire show devoted to them that brings light to their minor daily obstacles. Seriously fuck this show. It is ridiculous. I can't believe the "problems" these kids have that are apparently worthy of being the subject of a documentary. I saw one the other day that was MTV True Life: "I'm a Shopaholic." No joke this was an exchange in the show:

Overpaid Shrink Douchebag: "Well I think this is really the first step towards you getting cured. Cancelling your credit cards is a real step in the right direction. You're really maturing.

Spoiled Rich Bitch: "I mean...I'm just really scared if I can still control myself. I mean what if I wake up and suddenly have the urge to hit up an ATM and go to a 24 hour CVS and go on a bender...?

WTF. THIS IS NOT A REAL PROBLEM. Watching this made me angrier than Bob Sagat in "Half Baked" when he hears about Thurgood's "addiction" to marijuana. Waaaaah :(. You have an "addiction" to shopping? No you have an addiction to being a spoiled materialistic brat. This is not akin to the homeless woman that sucks dick in an alley to get $5 for a couple 40s. Instead of having an intervention for you, mommy and daddy should cancel your credit cards, take all money out of your account and make you get a job at the mall like a normal teenager.

There are 5000 other similarly miniscule problems that kids have to deal with that MTV has felt the need to document. MTV True Life: "I have Embarrassing Parents." MTV True Life: "I'm the Black Sheep." OMG. You have embarassing parents?? Yeah so does fucking everybody. Parents are by nature supposed to be embarassing. If you have parents that aren't embarassing you are probably one of those kids that has the "cool" parents who get drunk with you and let your friends smoke weed in the living room with no consequences. Later people realize these non-"embarassing" parents are shit shows. Oh're the "Black Sheep" of the family :(. Everybody thinks they are the black sheep of their family. Maybe if you stopped dressing like such a fucking weirdo and got a real haircut you're family wouldn't treat you like the black sheep.

The worst are the kids who complain about how miserable their high school experience is. MTV True Life: "I'm a fat loser and nobody likes me and I get picked on." Cry me a river. Oh poor you, you're a fat loser and nobody likes you. Yeah well maybe if you weren't free basing Taco Bell every morning this wouldn't be an issue. Being fat is not a problem, it's a choice. Nobody "enjoys" high school except for the star quarterback and the prom queen. Who cares. Take solace in the fact that they will be an auto mechanic and stripper in 5 years respectively. There is an MTV True Life for EVERY minor issue high school kids have to deal with. MTV True Life: "I have Acne." MTV True Life: "I have stupid tatoos." There are seriously two SEPARATE MTV True Lifes for..."I have small breasts." and "I have large breasts." Your bra size is NOT a fucking problem worth documenting.

I want to start my own reality documentary series. In it all these "MTV True Life" brats get dragged to the projects. They are forced to live in a small apartment with 10 other people. They are given foster parents with substance abuse problems who beat the crap out of them and feed them 7-11 burritos every day for dinner. They have to go to a dangerous high school. THAT would be a social documentary I would watch. Give these kids some real problems to deal with that make them realize their zits and addiction to over charging their credit card at Macy's are not REAL problems. Stop inventing problems to cry about regarding your easy privileged lifestyle kids. Life is a cakewalk for you. MTV True Life: "You are a pussy."

Sunday, August 15, 2010

"I totally failed that test and need 2-3 Miller Lites to deal"

It's Mid August, and that unfortunately means that many of you are now going to be returning to school in the next week or so. When I say "school" I don't mean that wonderful 4 year fantasy camp known as your undergrad educational experience. No I mean law school. People that are stuck in shitty entry level positions go to law school because it gives them an excuse for why they never got promoted. "Oh yeah I mean it's not like I ever wanted to be a manager at this shitty job, I'm going to law school anyways." College graduates who go straight into law school do so because they don't wanna spend anytime languishing in a shitty entry level position before making the big bucks. They assume three more years of school will automatically end with a six figure salary and Mercedes convertible in their driveway. Married men go to law school because their wife makes more than them. Married women go to law school because they don't want to admit that Stepford Wife is the "profession" they are best suited for. ( is. So put the book down and get your hubby a Budweiser).

Anyways Law School fucking sucks. If you are currently attending law school you already know this. If you are about to embark on this journey, or at least thinking about it, the following is a list of disclaimers for you to pay attention to.

1. The Party's Over
As I've mentioned countless times, college is the most fun you will ever have in your life. It's a non-stop four year party where you will never be asked to apologize for your debauchery. If you are entering law school thinking this three years will be more of the same, prepare for severe disappointment. In law school nobody parties. People in law school are by nature "mature" which is a fancy word for "No fucking fun." The worst part is that at the beginning people in law school act like they might possibly enjoy a good time. They will go around discussing how badly they need a drink and organize a Happy Hour for us to all drink away our sorrows. Then you all get together at a bar where everybody talks about law school the entire time while drinking 2-3 miller lites at a moderate pace. Except for the small group of bros who get blackout wasted on tequilla shots and the chick in their newfound entourage of awesome that is making out with somebody while dirty dancing by 9pm. These people are fucking awesome. Enjoy them while you can because they will probably flunk out of school and not be around to provide you comedic relief in year 2.

2.Eye Candy = 0
In college no matter how hungover/still drunk I was, I generally went to class. Even if it was a fucking 8am Calculus class. Because in college you at least have ridiculous amounts of lovely eye candy seated around you to distract you from the fact that you are attempting to "learn" something while nursing a pounding headache. Even if girls didn't oblige you with their cutest sun dress or most cleavage friendly top, they at least came to class wearing those awesome cotton booty shorts with your school's mascot spelled across their ass. (Seriously who cares who invented a vaccine for polio, I want to shake the hand of the genius that invented college booty shorts. You fucking rule.) Anyways, this is not the case in law school. This is not to say there aren't hot chicks walking the halls of your institution of higher learning. There are. But you know how in teen comedies there's that girl that could be hot...but her beauty is hidden under those glasses, oversized hoodie, and sweatpants? Yeah...that's EVERY girl in law school. Goddamit. Yeah it's slightly colder inside our classrooms, than it is outside, but this is not an excuse to dress like you're going to a December football game in Green Bay every day. For some reason the only girls that get dressed up for class are married girls. This is because they are uppity twats that like to show up the other girls in the class who haven't been fortunate enough to get some loser cop to propose to them yet.

3. You will lose the ability to discuss anything but school
In normal everyday interaction people have to make the effort to start an intriguing conversation. Then everybody chimes in with their opinion on the matter or tells a funny story that relates to the discussion. Not skills required to succeed in the law school social scene. In law school, you only discuss law school...and nothing else. You talk about how much a class sucks. You talk about how much a teacher sucks. You talk about how much you hate studying. One of the first things you note when talking with law students is that everyone is "like totally failing." Law School classes are graded on a curve so it is actually completely inconceivable that all 90 members of a section would fail a class. You wouldn't realize this however, if you talked to every law student in your class. Fortunately the annoying bitch that is "totally failing" every subject and cries after final exams ends up finishing at the top of the class and transfers her total fail of a 4.2 GPA to a higher ranked law school in year 2. Law school students also love to inject legal terminology into a conversation whenever possible. This is because.."We're both in law school together!! And ONLY WE can relate to our feeble attempts at humor!!" The following is a typical law school convo:

Twat 1: "OMG I am totally gonna fail that class. It might as well be taught in Chinese cus I have NOOOOO idea what's going on.

Twat 2: "Ughhhhhh I know. Professor Collins is THE WORST!! How does he expect us to understand anything when he rushes through every slide!!

Toolbox in love with Twats 1 and 2: Seriously can I sue Collins for I.I.E.D.?!? ("Intentional Infliction off Emotional Distress")


(Kill yourselves)

4. It's like high school...but worse.
Remember high school? High school sucked balls. You have to spend 7 hours a day locked in a room with the same fucking people every day. You're all competing to ensure that you get into your dream college and the person you despise doesn't. You all engage in ridiculous gossip about one another. Everybody hates each other. Yeah well law school is high school on steroids. You have to listen to the girl with the annoying voice ask dumb questions every day. You have to hear the pompous douchebag openly discuss why he is on the path to legal success. You engage in discussion about who's a retard, who's a slut and who's an asshole. Except in law school, everybody pretends to like each other. Everybody friends each other on Facebook. Everybody compliments each other. Everybody commiserates about how tough school is. Then they commence shitting on the person they just had a pleasant convo with as soon as they leave the room.

You see in law school you have to act like a mature adult and can't openly voice your opinions about people to their face anymore after a few too many shots of Jameson. You have to be go through the motions of being a civil human being towards someone you despise, even if you secretly wish that someone would get eaten alive by a pool of piranhas. Well that is bullshit. If you don't like somebody you shouldn't be "friends" with them on an internet social network. You shouldn't engage in awkward personable small talk with them. You should know...not associate with them. I think your jokes are stupid, hate hearing you open your mouth in class, and enjoy drinking more than 2 Miller Lites at Happy Hour. So I probably won't be hitting you up to hang out this weekend. Lets not go through the motions of being civil here.

All this being said...lawyers make shitloads of money, drive fancy cars, and are pretty much the only job market impervious to economic recessions. So if you're in law school...and manage to tolerate the above aforementioned shitbags for three years there will be a six figure salary and Mercedes convertible waiting for you at graduation. Guaranteed. So go ahead and gut it out kids.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Your Duty as A Man

"The Expendables" comes out in theaters today and unless you've been living in a cave with Osama Bin Laden, you've seen a trailer for this awesomely mantastic flick. You've got the greatest cast of action stars ever assembled (pictured left). The plot is simple: This awesome cast of characters play a team of mercenaries assigned to go to South America and kick tons of ass for one reason or another. They will shoot and blow up anything in their path. Boom. End of Plot synopsis. In case you are a man and thought for half a second that you shouldn't watch this flick...they set the trailer to Guns N Roses "Paradise City." So now you officially have NO choice but to go check out this movie or you will be forever outcast from the male gender. If you are a woman, I would encourage you to also check out this movie if you wish, but just know that there is a high risk that you may be impregnated within the first 10 minutes.

I see absolutely no reason why this movie shouldn't open #1 at the box office this weekend. Not only is this movie fucking awesome, but you have no better options if you wanna fork over $10 to your local theater. Seriously if you choose one of the following options over The Expendables this weekend I officially revoke your man card:

Eat Pray Love
Your standard generic chick flick starring a famous actress that doesn't offer a plot explanation in the trailer. "Oh look it's Julia Roberts. She is travelling the world. And smiling. And being single." Tell your girlfriend to go watch this shit with her besties while you check out The Expendables.

The Other Guys
This is probably your best option other than Mangasm USA. It seems to have potential and has gotten pretty decent reviews. That being said, lets be real. Will Ferrell hasn't made a funny movie since (maybe) "Talladega Nights." Until I officially know for sure that he is back to being funny, all his movies are relegated to "wait for video" status. Mark Wahlberg is pretty badass, but falls victim to this movie's major problem. It is rated PG-13. That means you don't get to hear Wahlberg say "Faaack" or "Cawwwwksucckah" or anything else badass you'd normally hear him utter in a cop flick. Lame.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Oh look. It's Michael Cera starring as....Michael Cera. Again. Will he act really socially awkward? Will he stumble around while trying to land the girl of his dreams? Will he wear a zip-up hoodie? You already know the answer to all these questions. Now look at the plot. Michael Cera's 98 pound ass fighting a bunch of guys in cartoonish Mortal Combat format. WHY would you want to see this movie..? Also why does this girl have SEVEN psychotic ex-boyfriends? Aren't they in high school? What a slut, she's clearly been getting around. Cera should just bypass the whole fight lineup thing and stick to banging Juno. Lame.

Step Up 3d
Seriously I have no fucking idea who watches these movies. Zip. Not a clue.

Charlie St. Cloud
I saw the trailer for this movie and apparently some little kid in a Boston Red Sox jersey gets run over by a drunk driver. So I thought to myself..AWESOME, this must be a comedy. Then I noted that Zac Disney is in it and heard inspirational music and checked out. If I need to explain to you as a man why you shouldn't see this movie you should probably invest in some roller blades:

I liked this movie better the first three times I saw it, when Jason Bourne wasn't played by Angelina Jolie. Fuck her and her Cambodian family.

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
Are you a mentally retarded 6 year old?

Dinner for Schmucks
Meh. A whole movie where Steve Carell acts painfully dumb. Basically a PG-13 hybrid of "40 Year Old Virgin" and Brick Tamland from "Anchorman." Lame.

You already spent 3 hours watching this movie. You were blown away by the special effects. You pretended to understand what actually happened in the movie so you could agree with your friends that it was the best movie you'd seen in 10 years. No reason to see it again, I guarantee the lightbulb won't come on the second time around.

So there you have it. Do you need any further convincing that you should go see "The Expendables" guys? I didn't think so. So fulfill your duty as a man and make sure this movie succeeds. Otherwise we will be forced to sit through a parade of lame PG-13 movies featuring Michael Cera or Zac Disney for the rest of our lives. Sly Stallone and Dolph Lundgren crap out turds tougher than these 2 clowns every morning before breakfast. Fact.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: KID ROCK

Sometimes a band comes along that you might not realize sucks balls at first glance. They have the rockstar look. They party hard. They talk about their love for awesome old bands They get in fights at Waffle Houses. They bang Pamela Anderson. You know, possess all the characteristics that lead you to believe that they are a totally kick-ass rock band. Whenever they actually you know...sing a song however, it sucks. Apparently all the awesome bands they listened to growing up, all the whiskey they've consumed, and all the sex they've had Pamela Anderson could not inspire kick ass music. The prime example of this phenomenon is this weeks band that sucks balls: KID ROCK.

Judging a book by it's cover Kid Rock seems like a pretty cool guy generally. He looks like a rock star with his shades, jeans, and boots look. He wears Jack Daniels t-shirts and wifebeaters. He's always partying and talking about how much he loves classic rock. I would love to spend a night as a member of Kid Rock's entourage, I bet it would be a blast. As a friend of mine put it the other day "I want to like Kid Rock..but I can't." His music is absolutely fucking awful. I cannot get behind a person's music career just because they happen to seem like a cool dude.

Kid Rock, like many bands that suck balls can't decide on a genre to fit into, because he is not good at anything. He started out in the awful genre of rap-rock that Ive addressed before and gained fame in the late 90's. His first major hit was the rap-rock hit "Bawitdaba" which contends with Hanson's "MMBopp" in the awful jibberish song Hall of Fame. In the song he stood on top of cars, screamed a lot and rapped about strippers and trailer parks. Basically he was a homeless man's Eminem from Detroit that rapped over thrash metal jams instead of Dr. Dre beats. At this point in his career he mostly talked about his love for old-school hip hop like Run-DMC. So of course he did a cover of "Walk This Way" with Aerosmith at the MTV Awards. This would go on to be a recurring theme of Kid Rock's career. He loves covering cool songs, with cool bands in his spare time to lend credibility to his own shitty music career.

The Rock-Rap genre thankfully died soon after, and Kid Rock was smart enough to realize that he would have to come up with a new sound to stay relevant in the music industry. So he chose...Country. Umm what the hell? Kid Rock decided he would now portray himself as a cool hard drinking Country balladeer from the old days. He started talking about how he loved Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, and Willie Nelson. His big Country hit was his duet "Picture" with Sherryl Crow (another person that should be thrown from a moving train for covering/destroying every genre she touches). This song absolutely sucked. It was all about Kid Rock and Sherryl Crow crying themselves to sleep over over what might have been while staring at the other's picture. Basically it was an acoustic country Nickelback song.

At this point I thought, ok we've got to be done with Kid Rock now...RIGHT? I mean how many times do we have to hear this loser reinvent himself and destroy another genre on the radio?!? NO. Kid Rock then decides he is gonna become a classic rock artist. He starts talking about how he was raised on Southern Rock. Really?? You are from fucking Detroit. How did you get so into Country music and Southern Rock?? That would be like me saying that I was raised on Red Sox baseball and The Dropkick Murphys. This is where Kid Rock really started to piss me off. He started hanging out with Lynyrd Skynyrd (The shitty lineup minus Ronnie Van Zandt) and covering "Sweet Home Alabama" whenever he got the chance. This was bad enough, but then he decided to sample "Sweet Home Alabama" and Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London" on his fucking horrible song "All Summer Long." Some sample lyrics from this piece of shit song:

"We were trying funny things

We were smoking funny things

...Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long"

Wow Kid Rock, you managed to rhyme "things"...with "things." Seriously if you had thrown a lyric in there about "eating chicken wings" I would be more impressed. The thing that pisses me off the most obviously is the fact that this song always fucking comes on the radio and I naturally assume that I am about to hear a Lynyrd Skynyrd or Warren Zevon classic. No it's fucking Kid Rock singing about doing crazy "things" like drinking whiskey from the bottle. Fuck you Kid Rock.

I think Kid Rock should just reinvent himself and become a trainwreck reality star. Or a trainwreck "socialite." Basically become one of those famous people that is famous for doing nothing other than being a ridiculous party animal. I'd be down with that. Kid Rock seems like a reasonably cool guy. I wouldn't mind him as long as I didn't have to constantly hear his shitty music oon the radio. So please Kid Rock, you have enough money, just fucking retire from the music industry and just make money walking around being cool, because if I hear you singing about "Sweet Home Alabama" one more fucking time I will smash this bottle of Jack Daniels right into your Aviators.

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Most Useless Fuck in the History of Uselessness

As I've mentioned before, one of the great things about America is the fact that if you have ANY talent, you can make it here. And the word "talent" is defined very loosely in America. Talent can just be the ability to be pretty and rich. Talent can be the ability to amuse people with your outlandish behavior on a reality show. Talent can be the ability to transcribe your daily exploits as an asshole. If you make the effort to go out of your way to do something that makes you interesting to a large audience, I guess you are "talented." That being said, if you are interesting to a large audience because of your ability to scribble on pictures you are not talented. You are a waste of human life that deserves to be hit by a Greyhound bus.

I don't like to share my political views on this blog, but Perez Hilton's mother is the reason I support abortion. He is an absolutely fucking useless human being with no talent whatsoever that got famous for his ability to do...nothing. Celebrity gossip media has steadily grown in this country over the last few decades, as more and more stupid girls longed to know on a daily basis what their favorite Hollywood role models and celebrity crushes were up to. So we got all these fucking media outlets like "US Weekly," "People," and "E!" to keep the estrogen brigade up to date on whether "Famous Whore A broke up with Famous Douchebag B,"or "Famous Slut C" got caught driving drunk with blow. Whatever. At least these various media outlets were all in the business of reporting "news" of some sort. Paparazzi were getting paid to be in the right place at the right time to catch a celebrity engaging in some controversial debauchery. Writers were getting paid to write about this aforementioned behavior and how it affected the grand scheme of things in the world of Tinseltown "whos banging who." These people had a skill, and were "good" at reporting "news" that people cared about.

Amidst this growing nationwide fascination with celebrity gossip, the fat useless shitbag pictured above came up with a "brilliant idea": Take the latest paparazzi shots of famous them on the internet on his blog...and then scribble a humorous word bubble/label on the picture. Then briefly comment on the picture so you can call it a "blog post." WOW. You might think to yourself "What a a ridiculously stupid idea for a website." That is of course if "you" are not one of the millions of girls that logged onto his fascinating website and made him a national celebrity (and continue to do so today on a daily basis). UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. Are you kidding me?? What a useless shit. You don't take pictures of celebrities doing stupid shit. You don't uncover scandalous stories. You don't write articles about celebrity gossip. You just acquire other people's shit, post a picture..scribble on it...and then write a 2 sentence comment like "This is Lindsay clearly NOT drunk in New York. You stay classy girl!" That is not talent.

You will often hear me and other people utter the phrase "Seriously anybody could have done that" in reference to things. "Seriously I could have coached the 1996 Chicago Bulls to a championship." "Seriously I could have written that stupid rap song about phat asses." "Seriously I could have invented a blog mocking funny hipster pictures." You get the point. Generally when this phrase is uttered, you know deep down inside that while the accomplishment appeared pretty easy in principle, in reality simply "anybody" could not have done it. Well Perez Hilton is the giant exception to this rule. Stick a huge fucking asterisk next to his pink haired head in the world of "anybody could have done that" comments, because seriously "ANYBODY" can fucking acquire pictures of celebrities doing stupid shit, and scribble a word bubble on the picture followed by a two sentence comment/"joke." I have no doubt in my mind that the most absolutely retarded 11 year old child could do this.

I guess "Perez's" talent comes from the fact that he was the one asshole in the world that realized there would be a market for his "blog." That is where his credit is due. I'm gonna go ahead and agree to disagree. Credit is due to to the other 99.999999999% of the world's population that NEVER thought that scribbling on pics of drunk celebrities would be a logical road to fame and fortune. Nor should it be. Just because you realized there are a lot of fucking stupid girls with short attention spans out there in the world does not mean you are a visionary. I hope you get attacked by a pack of tigers, and somebody scribbles something cute on a picture of your mauled body to post for all the internet to see.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hipsters: Ruining all the Fun since 2001

I'm certainly not the first person to address the growing hipster problem in America. Hipsters are a plague on this great nation that need to be stopped before it's too late. Most people who hate hipsters, hate them for their personal douchey hipster characteristics. I on the other hand, hate the fact that hipsters have ruined things that normal people like myself could otherwise enjoy.

1. PBR
When I was in college, our household had a beer case purchase rotation. When it was my turn to purchase a case, instead of spending $9.99 for a 30 rack of Milwaukees Best or Natty Light, I would plunk down $10.99 for a 24 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. PBR rules, It's the only cheap beer that actually tastes like real beer rather than river water. It comes in a totally rad red, white, and blue can. Nuff said. Well at some point PBR became the official hipster beer. Now if you are to encounter a hipster at a party, or go to a seedy dive bar, you will find Hipsters downing PBR. I can see why hipsters are attracted to PBR. First of all it generally comes in a can, and it's totally non-conformist to drink beer from a can at a bar, rather than from a bottle or glass. Second, it's cheap and hipsters are generally in art school or an up and coming indie band and can't afford to drink expensive booze. So now I can no longer drink this glorious staple of America because I might be associated with one of these hipster douchebags.

2. Throwback basketball gear
Hipsters don't play sports. Unless you consider pool and dive bar shuffleboard to be sports. They also don't watch sports because they only like participating in activities their old man can't relate to, like going to see foreign films and checking out mash-up DJ shows. Hipsters however, love retro shit, and nothing is more retro than old school basketball gear. I like to think that Basketball shoes peaked in the 80s and old school sneaks are cheaper than the new Lebrons, so for casual rec league basketball I would like to own some old school Converse's or some old Nike Airs. I can't. Hipsters have fucking cornered the market on old school basketball sneakers. If a hipster ever bought a pair of New Balance sneakers, he would likely be disowned from his social circle forever. So they have to rock old school sneakers (preferably in an awful color like Orange or Green) to compliment their skinny jeans and show how retro they are. Hipsters have also ruined the concept of wearing throwback jerseys. Normally it would be cool to display the fact that you still have an old school Orange Rockets Robert Horry Jersey from 1995. Not anymore. At some point Hipsters decided to raid local thriftstores and Good Will outlets (where hipsters purchase a majority of their wardrobe), and purchase "ironic" throwback jerseys. Hipsters love irony and nothing is more ironic than the fact that you have chosen to wear the jersey of a random old school NBA player to the party (no shirt underneath of course). The more obscure the player the better so a Vernon Maxwell jersey definitely earns you more hipster points than say a throwback Charles Barkley.

3. Liking Indie Music
If you ask a cool angry old man what their favorite band is, they might answer "Led Zeppelin" or "The Rolling Stones." If you ask a cool younger kid they might say "The White Stripes." If you ask some loser born after 1986 they will answer "Dave Matthews Band" or "Coldplay." Regardless, the point is all of these people will answer with the name of a band you've actually heard of. This is an unacceptable practice in hipster culture. Hipsters by definition want to be "hip" and nothing is more hip than liking bands nobody has heard of. Hipster's love to have pissing contests naming off a list of their favorite obscure indie bands. Once a band becomes mainstream, hipsters no longer embrace their music. If you tell a hipster you like "The White Stripes" they will tell you how they haven't made anything decent since their 2nd album "De Stijl." Then they will tell you how awesome "The Decemberists" set was at SXSW last year. If you are a hipster the only mainstream bands you're allowed to like are "The Clash" and "The Ramones" because they're famous for being anti-establishment. What sucks is that there are occasionally cool bands that come out and stay under the mainstream radar initially. You saw them open for a cool band, bought their cd and think they are badass. Now you want to buy the band's t-shirt at their concert. You can't. If you have an indie band t-shirt you are labelled a hipster. That's why I wear Van Halen t-shirts. If you broadcast your love of Van Halen, you are clearly making no effort to be hip by any standard. Speaking of which....

4. T-Shirts
I live in Texas. It is hot as shit here for 9 months of the year. So I often have to wear t-shirts. Well my t-shirts are generally classified in 3 categories. (1) College t-shirts (2) Sports team t-shirts (3) Whiskey t-shirts. Well there are only so many options for cool t-shirts in these 3 categories. So once in a while I think to myself "Hey I'd like to buy a t-shirt with a funny saying on it." Or "I'd like to buy a t-shirt of a classic tv show." OR "I'd like to buy a t-shirt of my favorite modern sitcom." Well I can't because some hipster has already purchased that t-shirt and ruined it for everyone else. You like "Sanford and Son?" Well some hipster already has a t-shirt with Red Foxx on it saying "You Big Dummy!"You love "It's Always Sunny?" Some hipster dickhead has already purchased a "Paddy's Irish Pub" t-shirt and ruined it for everyone. Wanna buy a t-shirt with a funny George Bush quote? Some hipster has already purchased every fucking hilarious t-shirt with Dubya on it saying dumb shit. Hipsters have absolutely ruined t-shirts.

5. Comedy
There was a time when the Comedy genre was made up of movies that your face hilarious. Then the hipster market emerged and hipsters are far too intellectual to just appreciate dirty one-liners and fart jokes. So the indie comedy emerged. Indie comedies emphasize subtle humor that only hipsters are douchey enough to pick up on. "Well you see it's funny because...he is living with his ex-wife...and their kids dress in tennis outfits all day." HAHAHAHA SOOOO FUNNY. Indie comedies also must either (A) be about a social issue (teen pregnancy/gay marriage) or (B) Be in some sort of artistic format like a mock documentary about a crew of deep sea divers. There are no funny parts in hipster comedies, the hilarity just arises from the entire concept of the movie's plot. They lend to great hipster discussion following the "film" (Hipsters watch "films" not movies) since there are so many ways to interpret the flick. Also hipster comedies feature ensemble casts, so everyone in the convo can be unique in picking their own favorite subtly humorous character. Hipster comedies have been all the rage ever since Wes Anderson kidnapped Bill Murray in 2001, and blackmailed him into signing a contract that stipulated that he never be funny in a motion picture again. Fucking Hipsters. You even managed to ruin Bill fucking Murray and f0r that I will never forgive you.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Cawwps Needed in the Areaahh.

Recently I went to the movies and saw the new trailer for the crime drama "The Town" set of course in the city of Boston, Massachusetts. Overall the movie looks very promising. Ben Affleck's directing impressed me in "Gone Baby Gone" and Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame is always badass. The trailer of course also grabbed my attention for it's standard Boston Crime flick trailer characteristics. There's your requisite random night shot of Fenway Park (Where FACKIN SAWKS NATION RESIDES). There's guys in Celtic t-shirts hanging at the local Irish dive bar. There's criminal bros screaming at each other in Boston accents as The heat inches closer to catching them ("THE CAWPS ARE GONNA FACKING GET US!!! WE GOTTA DRIVE OFF IN THE CAHHH NOW!!!"). Thankfully Jon Hamm didn't adopt a cheesedick Bawston accent for the movie because he plays a high ranking FBI official who one would assume wouldn't sound like a retarded 4th grader.

All joking aside I am excited to see this flick, but I'm left wondering...does crime in America ever occur outside of the cities of Boston and New York...? EVER? I think it is safe to say that 90% of all the crime dramas ever made are set in either Boston or New York (with the other 10% being inner city gang flicks set in LA). I mean does 90% of this country's crime occur in those cities? According to 2009 statistics Detroit is considered the most dangerous city in the nation. Really? I was under the assumption that Detroit is a wonderful place to visit where they settle all their scores with epic rap battles rather than firearms. I have NEVER seen a crime drama about Detroit. Baltimore is one of the most crime-riddled cities in America. Obviously there was a great crime-series about Baltimore on HBO called "The Wire" once. Nobody watched it. Of course not...crime That doesn't make sense. Meanwhile The NY Mafia drama the Sopranos became one of the highest rated TV series ever.

New York and Boston crime dramas all follow a formula. If there is crime in New York going down it's the Italian Mafia, and every character wears suits or track suits and speaks in their "Heyyy Bada-Bing fucking Jabroni" voice to each other all movie. In between committing crimes, everyone sits down to spaghetti and red wine. If there is crime going down in Boston it's Irish Homeboys who are more blue collar than their NY counterparts. They all wear wifebeaters, and red sox hats and scream at each in horrible urban accents where annunciation is not required. In between committing crimes they sit down to a pint at the local Irish Pub and get in fights constantly. If there was ever a movie made about Italian mobsters in Boston my head would explode.

Maybe that's why crime dramas work better in these two cities. The cities have personality, they have accents which are easy to concoct an exaggerated impersonation of. People have done movies in these places before, and a lot of actors are from the area, so it's easier to follow a formula. Lots of tourists have visited these two cities, so even outsiders can relate to the town's stereotypes. Do you know what city was second in the nation in murders last year..St. Louis Missouri. Could you imagine a crime drama set in St. Louis, Missouri? What do people even sound like out there? I assume it's just a bunch of the most generic white people ever walking around. You couldn't cast Dicaprio, DeNiro, or Matt Damon. You would have to give the starring roles to like Tobey Maguire and Topher Grace, with Zooey Deschanel playing the female lead. Jeff Daniels would have to play the role of town mob boss with Michael Cera playing his top henchman. Sign me up for that shit...

What about an ensemble crime drama in the South (where believe it or not LOTS of crime occurs)? Well after casting Tommy Lee Jones, and Billy Bob Thorton your pickings are pretty slim for the rest of the cast. IDK how I feel about Matthew McConaughey in a hardass crime drama ("alriiight, alriiight, alright, lets get to robbing some banks here gang"). "No Country for Old Men" (great movie) is the only Southern crime flick I can think of, and that only required one major actor besides Tommy Lee Jones to adopt a Texan accent (Josh Brolin). Nobody wants to risk getting another outsider to try and adopt a Texan accent ever again after James Van Der Beek's Oscar worthy performance in "Varsity Blues." I DON'T WANT...THAT MOVIE...

Anyways I own every one of the aforementioned "formulaic" Boston/NY crime dramas. And they are all generally great flicks. I'm just saying that it would be nice for once to try out setting a badass crime flick in a city outside the Northeast just once, and see how it turned out. Yeah seeing Wahlberg and Damon scream at each other and scuffle while screaming that the other's a "Bad Fackin Cawwp" or "No Fackin Statie" is cool. Joe Pesci calling guys "Muddafuckas" before stomping their face? Awesome. Lets just try something new. A crime flick where everyone's accent sounds like "SlingBlade"..? I don't reckon I got no reason to think it would be that bad...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: MAROON 5

I don't generally pay too much attention to pop music. It sucks, whores and teenagers like it. Whatever. I will acknowledge that some of it is necessary, because we after all we need some dance music for girls to shake their asses to. If you're a pop singer along the lines of Justin Timberlake and can get bumping beats to sing falsetto over that is condusive to booty shaking that's totally fine. However if you pick up a guitar, put a generic group of musicians behind you and purport to be a "rock band", while singing your shitty brand of pop garbage, that is not kosher. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: MAROON 5.

Pictured above is Maroon 5's "band." Namely lead singer Adam Levine who is a complete douchebag. You see Mr. Levine could just come out and say "I'm a pop singer," but instead he keeps a generic group of shitty musicians behind him to lay down the instrumentals, while he sings in his girly falsetto tone, and occasionally picks up a guitar, so he is in "a rock band." Nobody actually knows wtf these guys look like however, as they never appear in music videos. It's just all Adam all the time prancing around singing his shitty love jams.

Seriously just LOOK at this asshole. First of all he has a "faux-hawk." That is not an acceptable haircut for the frontman of a rockband. Either be a badass and rock a mohawk, or grow your hair out on the sides. The only people who rock "faux-hawks" are homosexual male models on the catwalk. Second, he rocks a permanent 5 o'clock shadow just like every other pretty boy douchebag trying to be a sex symbol. Fucking grow a man beard or shave. None of this middle school facial hair bullshit you fucking loser. Also, Maroon 5 wear suits and skinny ties. This is cool if you are the Rat Pack and have a martini in hand while crooning to the ladies. If you are a "rock band" you wear boots, jeans, and leather. Otherwise you are a collection of pussies.

Maroon 5 can't decide on what type of genre to fit into. Whatever sound they end up coming up with however, always ends up being total pansy crap. Sometimes they try to be a funk band laying down a bumping repetitive bassline for Adam to sing over. Sometimes Adam tries to sound like Stevie Wonder. Sometimes they try to sing sad love ballads. Sometimes they randomly try to sing about tough guy shit and kicking girls out of their bed. It all fucking sucks balls. The first time Maroon 5 really pissed me off was during "Live 8" ("Live AID"..? IDK regardless fucking Bono organized it to save something..) when they covered the Neil Young classic "Keep on Rocking in the Free World." Fuck you guys. In for you to continue to rock in the free world you would have had to initially rock in the free world at some point. Not sing "She will be loved."

The worst thing about Maroon 5 is that their lead singer tries so hard to look like a tough mysterious suave pimp-daddy. He fucking prances around in his suit, faux-hawk, and 5 o'clock making a brooding hardass face. Their videos feature this clown walking around various places with hot models throwing themselves at him while he turns and does his best "Blue Steel" Zoolander face for the camera. Who are you kidding you fucking pansy? There aren't hot models throwing themselves at your sissy ass, if anything you are probably throwing youself at models. And those models are named Fabrezio and Diego.

Look Maroon 5 aka..."Adam," just commit to being a poor man's Justin Timberlake and making shitty pop jams. Don't tell me you have a "band" just because you put the same 3 other douchebags behind you everytime to lay down the beat for your pussy pop jam. Don't pick up a guitar you don't know how to play and look all tough for the cameras. You are not a rock star. You have a fucking faux hawk and wear skinny ties with scarves. You should get off my rock radio and go follow your calling of being a judge on "America's Top Model."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

GROUP SHOT!!!!! :)

I often joke around about "Bros" on this website and their general douchebaggery, but where would bros be without their female counterpart: The Whore? Well thankfully some sites on the web have begun to document the various traits of these bimbo sluts. You know them from your facebook newsfeeds, and from overhearing them recount their epic party weekend at the office water cooler. I admit that this inspired my friend and I to rant about many of the things that are stereotypical whore characteristics/interests that other people may have overlooked.


Whores don't generally have high paying jobs. After all they are fucking dumb AND lazy so they are pretty much content to stay in their entry level office position and not get promoted while they wait around to marry someone rich. Whores however, need to party all the time which requires funding. They need to party on boats. They need to go on vacation in foreign countres. They need to pay the $20 cover to see DJ Fuego at Club Kha-OS and pay for the cocaine needed to fully enjoy DJ Fuego. This of course is all funded by "Daddy" who is a rich scumbag who feels that the only way to maintain his close relationship with his whore daughter is by forking over his checkbook and platinum Mastercard. Normal people if you ever had an "allowance" stopped receiving one once you were you know ...old enough to earn your own spending money working at Blockbuster. Whores however, receive allowances well into their mid to late 20s. Only now their allowance is called "money to live on." Apparently daddy tells himself that $1000 a month is needed for princess to buy groceries.

Talking shit about Mom

Since Daddy is the one that funds the party, whores always love their fathers. Mommy however, gets to be the butt of every whore joke told. Whores love to talk about what trainwrecks their mother is. If you believe a whore's flattering description of her mother, mommy is some sort of disaster hybrid of the real housewives of Jersey/Courtney Love. Mommy is always wasted on white wine. Mommy is always saying stupid shit. Mommy is beloved by her whore daughter and all of her whore friends for her daily stupidity. Since mommy is not respected she gets called by her actual name or some nickname variation. A typical whore mommy discussion:

Slut 1: OMG do you know what Sue-Sue said at Thanksgiving in front of EVERYONE??

Slut 2: OMG WHAT??

Slut 1: She was obvi wasted on like 5 bottles of chardonnay and was like "Now Linds you and Jen- Jen need to be careful tomorrow for her birthday, don't end up in jail like Miley Cyrus!!"

Slut 2: OMG UM Sue-Sue you mean Lindsay Lohan....?

Slut 1: YEAH WRONG CELEB MOM!! DUH!! LOL LOL. Stupid bitch.


Top 40 Radio

Top 40 radio is fucking awful, but is also by definition the most popular music on the airwaves. So WHO you might ask...supports this shitty bubblegum pop garbage..? Whores. Whores will tell you they like real rock bands. After all they own a cute Rolling Stones baby doll crop top, even though they can't name a single song other than "Satisfaction" (which they played at like..the Super Bowl). They don't. They like pop music. Whores are too stupid to seek out good music, or develop good taste so they just like whatever songs are played at parties/clubs. Once they have had a positive experience with a pop song (i.e. made out with hot guy to Chris Brown/T-Pain collabo jam), they run to the store with daddy's plastic and charge $15 to buy the whole cd. Then they pop the cd in their car and listen to the jam on repeat while driving around with their other slut buddies in oversized sunglasses. Now when that sweet Katy Perry jam comes on while they're partying tonight, they can all scream the lyrics in drunken unison and dance in step like some fucking trainwreck version of The Supremes.

Comparing Themselves to Celebrity Whores

Whores, just like everybody else in the world, need role models. Since whores love reading "Perez Hilton" they find these heroes to aspire to in the form of celebrity whores. Just like the whores themselves, celebrity whores like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton love to party hard, get their picture taken partying hard, and party till they have fallen on their ass with their mini skirt over their head and their coochie in public view. On the rare occasion when they're not comparing their whore posse to the cast of "Sex and the City" whores are comparing themselves to these shitshows. When one whore is not around, her whore buddies will judge her and discuss which celebrity whore she should be designated in the group.

Twat 1: OMG Marie totally knocked over 2 Crantinis on that table and then made out with that GROSS guy last night. I'm just gonna start calling her Britney jr.

Twat 2: ROTFL. I mean we already have our Lindsay Lohan in your redheaded ass!! LOL.

Twat 3: Am I Paris cus I am the tallest bitch in this crew. LOL.

(The whores will then inevitably tell you how them and their friends should have their own reality TV show)

Having "Meaningful" tatoos

I have fucking stupid tatoos. When I was in high school I got drunk and decided they were a good idea (they weren't). I will openly acknowledge how retarded my tatoos are. Whores however, despite being dumb as rocks, don't like to acknowledge their own stupidity. If they have a tatoo it is ALWAYS meaningful, despite the fact that the only people that see this meaningful statement imprinted on their body are dudes that bang them. They have Curious George tatooed right above their panties because that was their favorite book that daddy use to read them. Their Grandpa died, and he was Irish so a shamrock with the date above their ass seemed like a touching tribute. I'm sure your Grandpa's dying wishes went something like this:

"I really hope that my sweet little Cindy gets some ink on her lower back that pays tribute to me. That way when some guy is banging her from behind this weekend he can behold how much she loved GrandPappy. Otherwise I didn't help raise her right"

Religious tattoos are especially popular amongst whores, because they love to pretend they are religious even though they violate the rules of the gospel every weekend. They like...went to church three times this year, and heard one Bible quote that really resonated with how they should deal with adversity in life. Probably should get a tattoo of it on their hip. Their devout love of Jesus will peek out when they wear that slutty Catholic school girl outfit for Halloween.

Group Photos

Normal people like to take pictures on special occassions. Somebody got engaged. It's New Years. It's a birthday party. Hell, if it's been a long time since you've seen your friends from college who live in another state, yeah totally fine for you to take a dozen snapshots together. Whores however, take pictures of FUCKING EVERYTHING. We're at brunch. Group shot!! We're shopping. Group shot!! We're at the club, cocktails in hand. Group Shot!! How many fucking variations of the same picture do you need to have? I've seen this shit before. There's 8 of you. You are positioned next to your very best bestie who you're "engaged/married to" on Facebook (Seriously why do girls do this..? It's fucking stupid. Somebody out there might actually think you're a Lesbo/off the market). You all smile. CUUUUUUTE! This is especially infuriating at a bar. I am trying to get a fucking drink. Can you have your fucking reunion shot in front of the bar later? Also I don't want to do you a favor and take a picture of your crew of whores so you can IMMEDIATELY mobile upload this from your IPhone and show the world how much whore fun you're having. You know you have one token ugly friend who doesn't fit in the picture. Have her snap this shit for you. Stupid whores.

Monday, August 2, 2010

"It's just another Manic Monday :(.."

(This is actually Guest Post from a fellow angry old man. I however take full responsibility and credit for the hilarity that will now ensue.)
"Just another day at work. Coffee plzzzzzz!" "Head hurts. Must remember to it's happy hour, not hours..." Look familiar? These are just two riffs on the overly generic status messages that people post on Gchat every day. Today's guest post is essentially my "Fuck you and your dumb Gchat status" status message. I've reached my breaking point with the office dipshits, the bros, the emo girls, the even emo'er guys and all of you other dipshits who feel the need to emote your day to me through a Gchat status message.

Without anymore unnecessary lambasting of all things dumbfuckery, let's look at the typical classes of status message:

1. We'll call this one "My job sucks, and I will tell you about it every day in 160 characters or less"

Work sucks. Any schmuck with a college degree and a shred of sensibility has learned this lesson at their entry-level job. But there is a class of people who somehow think they are unique for showing up every day to a shitty job and dealing with shitty bosses and doing meaningless work. This would be all well and good if they didn't feel the need to broadcast their inadequacies to their entire circle of friends.

" 'Someone's got a case of the Mondays' isn't funny when you actually have them."
"The only thing worse than work today was staying late until 7 to do nothing."
"If I received a gunshot for every dumb question I've been asked today by my boss, Amadou Diallo would have been like 41 wasn't so bad."

We get it. We've been there. Your job sucks. You're overworked, underpaid and smarter than everyone else. You're also in your mid-20s, and maybe if you didn't spend half your fucking day coming up with an inane status message, you might have moved on to something less mind-numbing. But, that's not your style. Far better to spoil all of us with your creative talents in finding a new way every day to describe your awful job.

2. "Fuckin' Jagerbombs!"

You're such a fucking bro, bro. You drink? I know you do. How much? 8 nights a mother fuckin' week, bro! How do I know all of this? Because you see no problem broadcasting to the world every morning just how you spend your leisure time. Typically a variation on the 'So hungover' or the 'Now I know why it's called a fuzzy navel...' status, you wear your alcoholism like a badge of pride to be shared every morning. It's noble work you do, subsidizing local bartenders with your copious consumption of various beers and college shots. That said, I don't give a fuck. You're too old to think drinking is still cool. When you get to the point where drinking is just drinking and you can comfortably do it alone without telling me, post that shit. Until then, save the Text From Last Night that you copied because it was like, totally spot on for, like, what we did last night and shove it up your fartbox.

3. The Voyeur Status

The world is a crazy place. There's so many weird people doing fucked up things, like the guy on the subway eating a pickle sandwich at 9 AM. Or the woman who farted on the elevator. Or the creepy bum who calls you 'Sugar.' I understand your liberal arts education didn't include a class titled 'Shit you will see everyday that is normal to everyone else except you," but please spare us your bemusement about the "odd" thing you saw today. Strange people ride the subway, and yes they will occasionally look at your tits. He's not creepy, he's bored. I know it was strange to see a 60 year old guy rocking out in his car to Katy Perry, but why does this bother you so much to the point that you need the rest of us to chime in and go, 'Yeah, what a loser.' Is it our approval you seek with these petty observations? Our laughter? Joke's on you fuckface because I just think you're the moron for spending more than 10 seconds even thinking about these people.

4. "Check out this totally funny conversation I had that me and one other person find funny!"

We all chat with numerous people each day for a large amount of time.Sometimes, we even say funny things. Now, you might be new to, say, having friends, but this will happen from time to time where one of you speaks and the other will reply with something that makes the two of you laugh. It's called human interaction, it has happened before. Still, your conversation snippet was so funny, so unusually hilarious that it goes beyond the bounds of privacy. Everyone needs to know this RIGHT FUCKING NOW AND ALL FUCKING DAY even if they don't understand it or it has no context.

"Twatface: i always get hit on by creepy latino guys// it's like I'm made of taco. Friend of Twatface: I love chicks who smell like meat."

Yeah, this isn't funny. I know you ROFL'd and LMFAO'd and may have even pissed your self, but I'm not laughing. Again, I read between the lines and see a girl who is too dumb to realize that a) not all latinos eat tacos and b) a guy ordering a drink next to you at a bar is not a passive-aggressive attempt at future fornication. I also see someone with a friend who is retarded. That's what I got from your status message, that you and your friends are dumb cunts.

5. The Amateur Poet

I call this one amateur because it's basically plagiarism. You: shitty day, bad breakup, no return call from the slooze who gave you her number by accident on Saturday. Your status: Melodramatic lines from an obscure song, or possibly even a well known song to maximize the circle of people who will understand you are overly emotional today.

Wasted PAP Smear: But sometimes//We forget what we got//Who we are//Oh who are are not.

Aww, poor guy. I see your trap. I'm supposed to ask what's up and then you tell me how heartbroken you are because the one-night stand that turned into a torrid 2 month love affair ended when you found out the chick was banging some Norwegian MBA student named Olaf (true story by the way). I've learned not to fall for this gambit lest I get sucked into you emoting all over my screen like 12-year old me did when I got Compuserve.

6. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

"At da beach!" (Get off your fucking phone)
"NYC roadtrip to see my favorites!!!!! :-x" (So you're unreachable this weekend, didn't give a shit when you were around.)
"Sex & The City tonight!!" (I hope your Cosmo gets enough roofie to kill a pony)

If you're not online to chat, turn off your fucking computer or phone and go do whatever it is you say you're actually doing. That's a good way to keep people from interrupting. Not only that, but quit being such a self-aggrandizing asshole. You're not Lebron, no one gives a fuck where you're going.

Which brings us to the acceptable forms of gchat status:

1. A cool video or song clip. Maybe set the mood a bit with a "Fuckin' Friday!' and then a link to Paradise City or "Holy fuck this is cool" with a link to that hippo vs. giraffe youtube video. Give me something that will make my day a little better without any of your own fucking baggage and you will remain on always show status. For example, today's status celebrates the end of work with a link to Peanut Butter Jelly Time. No frills, no bullshit, just some good fucking internet meme humor.

2. A legitimately funny story or news item. For example, a bartender friend referenced serving the Rwandan ambassador and his cadre of 3 underaged girls. That is funny to me and something I wouldn't have known before. So, informative and hilarious. Bring it on. Similarly, I found out about that god-awful KFC sandwich that uses fried chicken as a bun through a status message. A tip of the cap to you, friend.

3. Self-promotion of various parties or other for-profit ventures. I like these because they are useful (I might find a place to go hang out on the cheap while still helping you, my friend) or ignoreable (seen the message once and can ignore it for the next several days, which you thankfully know since you don't change it). That's what the internet is for: porn and selling shit. I appreciate the people who recognize they can only offer one in a gchat status.

4. Nothing.

Just like the movies, silence is fucking golden.