Sunday, February 27, 2011

And The Award For Biggest Dipshit Awards Show Goes To...

Tonight is Oscar night, and obviously whenever Hollywood dipshits are involved I have something to be angry about. We all know that just like music, any movie that is hip and critically acclaimed probably sucks in my eyes. The "Oscar Buzz" movie of each year almost always disappoints me or puts me to sleep. Movie about Bill Murray walking around Tokyo for 2 hours with Scarlett Johanssen where nothing happens...not my cup of tea. Movie about some ghetto Indian kids who go on "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire." Lame. I am a movie buff however, so I do generally make the effort every year to try and watch the big buzz worthy flicks and keep up with who gets nominated for and wins what. Mostly so I can just get pissed off when the actors and films I love don't get the Academy love I feel they deserved. (Update: Rad dude Christian Bale won best supporting actor..I'm temporarily pleased). There are so many issues I have with the Oscars that it seems only fitting that I compile a list of things that piss me off about the awards, and angrily rant about them. Here we go.

1. The Bias Against Rad Flicks

Terminator 2. The Dark Knight. American Psycho. The Big Lebowski. Animal House. What do these films have in common? Well first of all, they are all classic Rad flicks that pretty much every dude with an actual DVD collection probably owns. Also...none of them were even Nominated for Best Picture the year they were eligible. They are all movie's that have stood the test of time as amazing movies that you can re-watch a billion times. Yet they weren't good enough to be considered ONE of the best movies the year they came out? Give me a fucking break. Clearly the Academy has a total bias against Rad flicks. One of the few recent exceptions would be "The Departed" which basically had to be awarded to make up for Marty being snubbed for so many years (more on this later). Otherwise you've gotta be a certain "type" of movie to get Best Picture recognition (More on this soon). For example this year two of the best movies I saw were "Shutter Island" and "The Town." Badass horror/psychological thriller and crime heist flick respectively. Apparently not amongst the 10 best movies this year. Toy Story 3 however...apparently is. What the fuck.

2. Being the right "type" of Movie..leads to awards

In order to get nominated for an Oscar (and especially to win), it seems like 90% of the time you have to be a certain "type" of movie. You've gotta be some sort of elaborate historical epic (Dances with Wolves, Schindler's List, Titanic). You''ve gotta be some sort of bio-pic about somebody who's dead (Ray, Milk, Walk The Line). You've gotta have some sort of social message (Crash, Philadelphia). Or you have to be about a retard (too many to name). Otherwise youre totally fucked when it comes to scoring Oscar gold. You know what movie "Dances With Wolves" beat out for Best Picture? Oh just a little movie called "Goodfellas." Yeah I mean clearly 20+ years later I can't count the number of lazy Sunday afternoons I've spent watching that five hour piece of shit about Kevin Costner hanging out with an Indian tribe. "Goodfellas" though..rarely re-watched, definitely remember very few scenes from that random mob flick. "The Fugitive" is a hall of fame Rad flick (with never nominated Rad acting icon Harrison Ford)...couldn't beat out a black and white movie about the holocaust. Titanic is just "The Notebook" on the Titanic. "Crash" is just a homeless man's American History X with a happier ending. All these movies picture winners. Bullshit.

3. It's a Lifetime Achievement Award Show

The Oscars annually portray themselves as an award show that awards cinematic excellence for the individual year they take place in. The best movie that came out THIS YEAR. The best acting performance of THIS YEAR. Everybody knows this is a total crock of shit though. More often than not however, you get awarded by the Academy for your life's resume of work. Once the Oscars feels bad that you've been nominated..and lost..for so many movies/roles you deserved to be awarded for, they give you an Oscar. For example, the aforementioned Marty Scorcese's finest work came in "Goodfellas" and he was nominated a billion times and lost to lesser directors/films. So finally with "The Departed" (good flick...not his best work) he won best picture/director. Al Pacino put on an acting clinic in the 70s with four lead actor Oscar nominations in classic films. Couldn't win one Oscar. Most Notably in 1973 he was nominated for what I consider to be maybe the greatest individual acting performance ever in Godfather II. Clearly he lost to Art Carney's tour de force in the alltime classic "Harry and Tonto" (yes that was sarcasm). Then got awarded for screaming a lot in a Southern accent in "Scent of a Woman" (editor's note: I love and own this movie). Last year Jeff Bridges won his lifetime achievement Oscar by beating out Colin Firth. This year minutes ago, (taking nothing away from "The King's Speech") Colin Firth won best actor because he'd been nominated and lost before in the category. Duh. Moving on.

4. No Love for the Funny Men

Can somebody please explain to me why there are ZERO categories for comedy at The Oscars? Is comedy not considered acting? To me comedic acting is actually some of the hardest work in film to pull off. I'm sorry but I seriously doubt Sean Penn could nail the role of Lloyd Christmas in "Dumb and Dumber" as well as Jim Carrey did. 30 plus years later, yeah "The Deer Hunter" is a great five hour epic depressing Vietnam drama worth seeing once, but "Animal House" is the iconic film of 1978 that has stood the test of time. There are a billion dipshit categories like "Best Animated Short Film Documentary Editing" that nobody gives a shit about, but not ONE comedy category? Basicall a group of hipsters can make a 15 minute film where they tape themselves taking dumps, film it in black and white and win a fucking Oscar. However, if you were involved with the most hilarious movie of the year that made audiences nationwide piss their recognition for you. There is even a fucking category for "best song in a motion picture." Not best soundtrack. Just best random theme song to a movie that played while you're rolling through the credits. Hence why the current Oscar tally reads: Three Six Mafia: 1 Eddie Murphy/Steve Martin/John Candy/John Belushi: 0

5. It's an Epic Fart Sniffing Competition

Everyone knows nobody likes the smell of their own farts more than Hollywood celebrities, and their is no better self-indulgent forum to discuss what wonderful human beings you and your acting peers are than the Oscars. Just a second ago Sandra Bullock was introduced as a presenter who "is known as much for her acting as for her work as a human being" (paraphrasing). OMG. Look at this rich white woman who fucking adopted a BLACK baby! She is soooooo progressive and not racist! The acceptance speeches are the fucking WORST. You would think that Hollywood single-handedly created the Civil Rights movement, approved Gay marriage, and defeated the Nazis if you've ever heard an Oscar acceptance speech. A few years ago George Clooney made it seem like Hollywood giving Hattie McDaniel of "Gone With The Wind" an Oscar in 1939 basically ended segregation. Yeah nice work Hollywood, your great work really paid off 30 years later. If you win anything with a role/film connected to a social cause/historical injustic you have to rant about how much you loved "bringing light" to it with your work. Even though everyone knows you would give a fuck about civil rights/gay rights/AIDS etc. if you weren't filthy rich and famous with an image to uphold. They should just give an award at the end of the show to "Most self-indulgent flatulence smeller in an acceptance speech" once everything else has been handed out.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: THE LOW ANTHEM

This week I was listening the to the classic Rad AC/DC album "Back in Black" while doing mundane tasks at my job that had me "soooo stressed at work!! :(." Anyways's "Back in Black" fucking rules and could be made into a tutorial entitled "How to Rock People's Balls Off: For Dummies," but you already know that. What you may not have noticed without a close listen, is how the song's final track "Rock & Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" really speaks on what makes R&R so Rad and separates it from noise that pollutes our air. With lyrics like "heavy decibels playing on my guitar," and "vibrations coming up from the floor," as well as "Are you deaf? You want some more" we get a clear definition of rock & roll. Namely: "Loud, heavy noise that makes the earth shake, and leaves you wanting more even as you go deaf." I know that description doesn't exactly sound like the complex, thought provoking essay of a Pitchfork writer, but hey that's all there is to R&R. As AC/DC notes at the start of the track "Rock & Roll ain't no riddle me it makes good, good sense." Rock & Roll at its finest isn't complex it's loud, simple, uncut and straight to the point. So..nothing like this week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE LOW ANTHEM.

Well. These guys are certainly lifetime residents of LamesVille, USA. One look at these losers, and it's immediately clear that any music recorded by them is the polar opposite of anything you'd hear on "Back in Black." Look at this picture closely and analyze it like one of those "photo hunt" video games at the counter of your favorite bar. How many douchetastic hipster characteristics can you spot? Well first of all, they got to this festival in the retro VW bug, even though they or their rich suburban parents could have afforded to buy the band a Ford F-150 to transport what little musical equipment they use. I mean honestly, I'm guessing this band probably doesn't stack 10 Marshall amps on stage, so they probably could have fit all their gear into a Mini-Cooper. Next we have weird quirky d-bag on the left rocking both a fedora, and an ironic creeper stache. On the right we have the assclown with the standard tight plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves look. Along with a scarf, old school non-digital Nikon camera (probably from his days as a photography major at an Ivy League school), and unkept rat's nest hairstyle. He's also drinking some beer I don't recognize, probably either some obscure trendy micro-brew or an import beer he grew fond of during a study abroad experience.

Finally we have a girl involved as is the case with all hipster bands. However, this is the one part of the equation that kinda threw me for a loop. She's not an ugly bitch with bangs. Actually she's pretty cute. Also she's not looking off into the distance or posing with a brooding look. She's actually smiling. I can only assume that look of content comes from the fact that she was just railed in the VW by some Rad dude in a Skynyrd t-shirt, while her bandmates wandered around outside discussing ways to make the festival more eco-friendly. Anyways now that we've judged them solely on their lame appearance, lets listen on in on just how much ass these fucksticks DON'T kick:


Well that performance gobbled a giant duffle bag of dicks... First of all, I guess they have a key 4th shitty musician they bring with them on the road to up their music's level of shittiness from poop to explosive audio diarhea. He looks like Zach Galifanakis on heroin and is obviously wearing a giant stocking hat to keep him from catching a cold inside the fridgid CBS studio. He plays what appears to be one of those string instruments you hear on the soundtrack of your local Chinese takeout joint. spoons? WTF? The guy with the creeper stache and pony tail (seriously kids he DOESN'T have candy!) apparently plays no instruments and is just a backup vocalist. Great. The lead singer wails in a soft whispering tone akin to somebody humming a lullaby to a baby. Not rocking at all. What is the girl's role you ask? Well when her three gay best friends take a break from their weepy folk harmonizing she steps in and rocks the house with a kick-ass... OBOE solo? Are you fucking kidding me? She could have played idk..a cello...a glockenspiel...really ANY instrument that's not a damn oboe and made this jam more rocking. Oh btw apparently I was wrong about stache guy. He does start playing an "instrument" halfway through, that entails basically..flossing his teeth and plucking.

(Insert angry hipster comment here): "Um actually it's called a vox harmonithimble and is very hard to play!!" (smells own fart).

Yeah whatever. It sucks. Moving on.

Anyways, this fuckface outfit was obviously concocted in the Rad mecca of Providence, RI at Brown University. The two founding members first met and hit it off while DJing an overnight jazz show on the campus radio station that nobody listened to. Wow. The only less Rad band formation story would have been that they met at an abstract art show banquet. I can only imagine how badass that first magical encounter was...

Assfuck Hipster 1: "Man it's really nice to meet somebody whose familiarity with Miles Davis' catalogue actually extends beyond Kind of Blue.." (Farts, inhales own scent)

Assfuck Hipster 2: "Ha, thanks man. I was pretty impressed with those obscure Coltrane B-sides you player earlier. That was some cool stuff.." (Farts, inhales own scent)

(Some blushing ensues, the two dickwads then move in for an almost-makeout session before being startled by the station manager).

Of course since this band blows, they just released a heavily acclaimed album that is adored by jackoff music critics. People who describe them as "Despairing songs at crippled-spirit speed, in stridently antique tones: long sighs of pump organ; the soprano warble of a bowed saw; the rusted-Leonard Cohen whisper of singer-songwriter Ben Knox Miller." Well sorry guy, but to me this band is just noise pollution. It sucks and is certainly not remotely close to Rock & Roll. So get this "Low Anthem" off my lawn and bring me a power chord anthem with some balls that was created in a dirty basement that wreaks of skunk beer and cigarettes. Not an alt-folk douche outfit formed on late night campus radio.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

What actually happens...probably lame.

With spring fast approaching, it's that time of year when people start to plan out their fun group vacations. Whether it's spring break, your 10 yr high school reunion, or just getting together with your college buddies, folks everywhere are currently trying to determine this year's destination for four days of partying. It's gotta be somewhere fun, preferably a trendy city with warm weather. It can't be someplace one of your friends actually lives (or the city you live in) because we have to ensure you waste money on overpriced hotel accomodations. Can't be someplace you can make a quick road trip to, because money's gotta be wasted on a plane ticket. Finally the place has to be someplace people will assume you had a crazy wild time even if your vacation turns out to be totally boring. There is always one city that people always suggest as the most desirable vacation destination for any time of year, that I always end up vetoing. Since I'm an angry old man who doesn't like comprehend anything "normal" people like doing (i.e. listening to Coldplay), I obviously don't understand the appeal of this alleged "city of sin." I'm talking of course, about Las Vegas.

What the fuck is the deal with people vacationing in Vegas? Now let me preface that statement by emphasizing that when I say "people" I mean "average Joes like myself" i.e. 20 somethings working at an average entry to mid-level position with an average salary. Or grad/law students living off school loans. How the hell can anybody who matches the aforementionded descriptions possibly enjoy Vegas? There is no way to have fun in Vegas without having assloads of money. You know who can enjoy a vacation in Vegas (And by "vacation" I mean Tuesday afternoon)? Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen has a shit-ton of funds to spend on endless gambling sprees, strip clubs, limos, hookers, champagne and drugs to keep you up for days at a time. I'm sure a vacation in Vegas sponsored by the star of "Hot Shots part Deux" would be totally fucking Rad. Last time I checked however, nobody in my social demographic has a disposable income. When your salary is $20/hr as opposed to $20mil/yr, you are gonna be severely lacking in the appropriate amount of Rad party funds needed to enjoy Sin City. So what the hell is the point of me and a group of my rad friends going to Vegas to party?

For a group of my Rad friends to go to Vegas for more than a day we would have to completely drain all of our bank accounts, savings, and parents' retirement funds in order to enjoy ourselves. Unless we wanted to do the countless number of boring "fun" things to do in Vegas. Like "casual" gambling. That's that thing where you play slots or blackjack or some other game that's not roulette/poker where you get a cocktail once every hour. Like...go to "shows." Really..? I'm gonna pay money to go see a bunch of interprative dance numbers and weird lighting set to Beatles songs? Fuck that. How bout' I just eat some mushrooms, turn off the lights in my living room and throw on The White Album instead? I guess I could go check out a rad show from Tom Jones or Wayne Newton. Oh wait, I'm not a 50 yr old mom. I could hit up the hottest club and pay for overpriced "bottle service" and listen to some shitty DJ blast shitty club anthems. During the day what is there to do in Vegas? Go to some fucking trendy pool bar where you sit and sip overpriced beach drinks and listen to some horrible DJ blast shitty club jams? Or we could just walk around taking group photos in front of gold water fountains. Snoozefest 2K11.

So who the hell thinks it's actually fun to vacation in Vegas? Well families do, since they have a solid nest egg fund to gamble with, they enjoy going to shows, and daddy pays for all accomodations and travel arrangements. Whores love Vegas because they love sitting by the pool, listening to club music, taking group pictures in front of golden fountains, and daddy pays for all accomodations and travel arrangements. Finally the largest proportion of people who go to Vegas? People who do nothing fun the rest of the year. In order to have enough money saved away to pay for plane tickets, hotels, gambling, shows, and can't party the rest of the year. Your life is fucking boring. You think dropping $100 on a bar bill any other weekend in a normal city is "abnormal." You didn't spend $80 on tickets to see Van Halen's reunion tour and then buy the $35 commemorative t-shirt after the show. You didn't blow $200 in March betting on the hunch that your alma mater would upset Duke in the first round of the NCAA tournament. You would probably think the Rad $90 red, white, and blue 4th of July Makers Mark whiskey set DIDN'T "really tie the room together." Well clearly you are lame and need to examine how you're living out the other 361 days of the year that you're not in Vegas, cus you ain't doing it right. You can't make up for your severely low number of life victories each year with one "CRAZY" four day weekend in Vegas.

So if you are a family man, whore or boring person planning out your upcoming wild weekend in Sin City, enjoy your awesome vacation of shows, slots, and posing in front of golden fountains. Just don't expect me to come along for the rollercoaster ride. I can party like a rock star in my own home city any other weekend. In closing thanks for the invite...but no thanks. Unless of course we're spending four days hanging out with your Rad uncle who happens to star in America's number 1 family sitcom. In which case..sign me up.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: YUCK

Hipsters have never exactly been high on my list of favorite people in the world, but lately my opinion of them has really hit the shits. Mostly because whether we're ready for it or not, the hipster music apocalypse is coming in full force and will be upon us before we know it. No longer content to languish away on stage 3 at ACL and in Williamsburg clubs, Hipster bands are now doing that most un-hipster of things and actually making their presence felt on the mainstream. First LCD Shitsystem: decided that they had reached the status where they could play a final farewell show at Madison Square Garden. Yeah..these shitbags: Worse yet they sold out the fucking Garden in about 10 minutes, and there were hipsters all over the internet that were enraged because they actually COULDN'T score tix to this assfuck band's goodbye show. Jesus Christ, you'd think Led Zeppelin was reuniting for a one-off set in London (wait that already happened...I was there). Then the Grammys came along Sunday, and while I had low expectations for this meaningless awards show I never in my wildest nightmares imagined some horrendous indie rock outfit would win album of the year: . Then that actually happened. Are you fucking kidding? That was the best album of the ENTIRE YEAR?? Well all this is gonna have to stop. It is our duty to now make sure every horrendous hipster alt-noise rock band is stopped before they even get close to making it big. Starting with this week's Band That Sucks Balls: YUCK.

Getting the obvious joke out of the way early, Yuck is aptly named considering the fact that their music is disgustingly awful. As usual they fit the profile to a T for your everday fucktard hipster band. We've got an ugly bitch with bangs in the band, who also happens to be Asian earning them extra indie cred points. We've got the fat quirky guy who probably sucks dick at whatever instrument he plays but is the band's fan favorite for being eccentric. After he all looks like Seth Rogen and Questlove from The Roots had a lovechild and dressed him in rolled up skinny jeans. Then we have the brooding quiet guy on the right, in a pseudo retro bomber jacket and sweet combover of his receding hairline (also rocking rolled up jeans, is this band auditioning for Grease?). Finally Tim Burton threw on a Canadian tuxedo and Doc Martens and decided he would front a rock band this century. What a dipshit. He looks like Robert Smith from the Cure went easy on the eyeliner and grew an attitude. Regardless we shouldn't judge a pack of dickheads by their cover. I mean music critics certainly haven't, as they've been slowly gaining a buzz in the indie rock world (translation: Hipsters are posting clips of them and links to their upcoming shows in Austin). The kids are all talking about these guys. named them their "band to watch" this month. Most importantly however, they got that most important of all stamps of approval in the world of hipster rock: A glowing review from "Pitchfork."

I can't even get through reading an entire album review on Pitchfork without getting the urge to set fire to a school bus. I swear the only skill you need to be on the Pitchfork staff is the ability to create as many analogies for a band's sound, using as many references to obscure indie rock bands per paragraph as possible. Just try to fucking read this statement about "Yuck" without having your brain start to bleed:

"Yes, there's a bit of the wah-pedal guitar violence of Dinosaur Jr., and a little of the lackadaisical detachment of Pavement, but there's also the rich tunefulness of Teenage Fanclub and Velocity Girl, and at times the unadorned resignation of Red House Painters or Elliott Smith."


Ok first of all, that was all one run-on sentence with 46 words in it. Second, there were SEVEN, yes SEVEN references to random-ass obscure 90's nderground bands in one sentence. Third, none of that psycho-babble told me ANYTHING about what the band sounds like. Nothing at all about what genre they fit into. "lackadaisical detachment"..? WTF. So they're lazy and distant..musically? "unadorned resignation"...? So they're..simple, plain and submissive on record? WHAT? Do you assholes just think you can throw out a bunch of fancy words in some random combination and call it refined writing? You know there is a chance that an English major will someday decipher your nonsensical paragraphs and alert hipster nation that you're saying nothing of substance (that day being today). I read Faulkner in college (I'm not showing off..he's fucking boring and hard to follow) that sounded like Curious George compared to this rambling bullshit. Ever needed more than 5 words to describe a great rock band before? No because all this is just a wall of confusing metaphors designed to mindfuck you and distract you from the fact that Yuck can be described in two words.


Ok summary. All Yuck does is use a lot of distortion to make their guitars make that fuzzy sound popularized by fucktard 90's alt-rock "pioneers" like Sonic Youth. The play repetitive three chord rock just like The Strokes except they play slightly slower and all the effects make their sound more annoyingly noisy. The intermittent screeching of their guitars is prone to give you a migraine headache. Their drummer just taps out a simple backbeat, content to just submit to the noisy screech guitar ("unadorned resignation" so to speak). A "breakdown" or "jam session" in the wonderful world of a Yuck recording or live session is when the band actually pauses to turn DOWN their playing and keep their sound quieter for about a minute. So the polar opposite of rocking out. I guess this is the point most accurately described as "lackadaisical detachment." Yes they play in a lazy manner and appear uninterested in jamming out. Now that review makes total sense.

Their singer of course is your standard tortured genius pussy poet who will hopefully off himself in a mountain log cabin sometime in the near future (Now I get the Elliot Smith analogy). Quietly muttering his deepest inner feelings about hurt and alienation and then loudly whining at the chorus when his vagina really starts to sting. Sometimes when he really gets pissed off he sings like a 7th grader arguing with his parents in the "but mooooooom! whyyyy???" voice. I really wish his mom had let him go to Mikey's party in 8th grade so he wouldn't have decided to rebel against the world by listening to "Teenage Fanclub" and "Redhouse Painters" and forming an alt-noise band with the other kids that got beat up in P.E.

Anyways, I hope Yuck stays entrenched in their position as a quirky under the radar band with a following in Austin that plays the undercard at SXSW and ACL. As long as they don't move from the back pages of Pitchfork to the center stage of Madison Square Garden anytime soon, I'll just brush them off my radar and ignore the praise hipster assfucks bestow upon them. I just can't take another alt-noise rock polluting our airwaves, and actually gaining credibility and selling out real arenas in the world of rock and roll. As a Pitchfork writer would put it...

That will make me vomit profusely while feeling unapologetic scorn towards the new behemoths of rock and roll, and lead to the provocation of unbridled fury seldom seen outside the armies of Genghis Khan, and end in massive apocalyptic consequences for hipsters, who play violent distortion laden fuzz rock akin to the sound of a Black and Decker power tool being drilled into one's tympanic membrane.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Hater Mailbag Volume 1

When I started this blog it was obviously something I did in the spirit of good fun. I know the idea of writing a hater blog on the internet is kinda self-serving, but hey whatever. I wasn't working or in school, and there's only so many episodes of Maury Povich and Houston Astros games you can watch to occupy your time over the summer. So out of boredom GOMLK was born. At first since only friends of mine read my blog, I obviously only got positive feedback. Which was fine, but I assume that if I made a website called "picturesof"my friends would compliment me on it's brilliance. The main feature on my blog was of course the weekly "Band That Sucks Balls," and in the beginning everybody agreed with the fact that Nickelback and Linken Park were horrendous. Then I started mocking shitty bands that were a little less mainstream that people actually admitted to liking. So some of my friends would say "hey like your blog but I think you were a little harsh on...(Insert shitty band here)." No problem there , I'm all about constructive criticism. If I were only friends with people who shared my refined taste in music I would have about three friends.

Then however, as my blog grew in popularity a little bit, I started getting random people commenting on my BTSB posts. At first these comments were mostly positive from people who agreed with my critiques of crap music. Then however, I gradually started getting more and more hater comments from random people who took my writing WAAY too seriously. People who not only disagreed with my criticism of modern rock, but felt the need to go out of the way to call me a loser, tell me my website was garbage etc. SWEET. Nothing a hater loves more than being thrown into battle with fellow haters. So, I decided to compile all of these hater comments and respond to all of them in my first ever Hater mailbag. Without further ado lets get to the dipshits!

"Dufflepud" re: The Decemberists
"I find it funny how you can hate on a band based upon an album cover. Please tell me this is a joke!"

I find it sad that your internet blogging alias is a "Chronicles of Narnia" character. Mewww Nerd alert!! You clearly have a beard and wear Buddy Holly glasses and read your favorite C.S. Lewis books while listening to soft indie rock and/or jazz. To answer your question, Yes Dufflepud actually this is a joke. Do you think somebody who fancies themself as a serious music critic would write an entire paragraph about how awesome this picture is...?

"Mikaela" re: Neon Trees
"You actually think anyone reads this crap? Neon Trees is amazing. Please get over your burning jealousy that you're not rich and famous like them. You're just a bitter, lonely old man."

This is why 15 year old girls shouldn't be given access to the internet. I mean who else but a teenybopper would laud the musical genius of a rock band that covers Justin Bieber songs? First of all sweetheart, you can't say nobody reads this crap when you in fact JUST read this "crap." Second, if you had above a 9th grade education you would know that plural band names that end in an s "ARE" amazing rather than "is."Third, I really think people no longer grasp the proper use of the term "amazing." Amazing is an adjective reserved for things that are actually epic, classic, or life-changing. Like say Led Zeppelin or seeing the sunset atop a mountain. No band that's been around for under three years can be defined as "amazing." For example If I were to refute the criticism of a modern band I like I would say "I disagree, Wolfmother is pretty cool." Not Wolfmother is "AMAZING."

"Bryan" re: Tool
"Tool is a good band."

See Mikaela? Bryan did not argue that his favorite crappy prog rock band is "amaaaazing." He just said that they were "good." Perfectly reasonable comment. With that being said Bryan gets zero points for his argument by just stating that Tool is good and giving no support for the point. Regardless, by hater standards Bryan's ok in my book.

"Codi" re: My Chemical Romance
"You basically have the worst opinions ever."

You basically have the worst parents ever. Who the fuck names their child "Codi"..? Even Cody with a Y sounds better, at least then you could be a cowboy or a stripper. I really hope that's your internet alias. Clearly you starred on the debate team in high school with powerful arguments like the one above. Don't even bother attempting to make any argument. "Tool is good" even if it has no support behind it, is still an argument. "YOU'RE MEAN!" would have been a better argument. Saying I have the worst opinions "EVER" is just a ridiculous blanket statement. I'd argue that Hitler probably had worse opinions than I do, but hey what do I know.

"Clement" re: Pink Floyd

I will say that Pink Floyd is the band entry I got the most negative feedback on. I wanted to switch it up that week and make fun of an overrated classic rock band instead of a shitty modern band. They're not THAT bad by BTSB standards, but I happen to not enjoy them while I'm sober. Anyways, thanks for the dissertation on Pink Floyd, Clement. Jesus. I figured out you were an ADHD 15 year old about halfway through your fourth ranting paragraph. You need to lighten up. Clearly the fact that you're "sober since birth" has led you be a real Debbie Downer. It's time you drank a couple beers and listened to "Exile on Main Street" for a taste of a real "classic" rock album.

(Disclaimer: GOMLK does not approve of underage drinking....unless you have a really good fake id.)

"Jeremy" re: Radiohead
"I think u suck more balls than Radiohead. You obviously missed their good songs like "idioteque," "Jigsaw falling into place," and "Weird fishes." Are you bitter that there are no good metal bands left out there, other than Steel Panther..?"

Jeremy is a washed up hairy ball licker with horrendous taste in music. Apparently since he is a 13 year old girl on IM typing out "you" rather than "U" simply took too much effort. However, he is a friend of mine who can kick my ass. Also, I still owe him $20 so I shouldn't be too critical of his ridiculous opinion of Radiohead.

Well that was fun. So in conclusion, please continue to post hater comments on my amateur critiques of shitty bands. I embrace all the hatred of my crappy joke website that is probably far inferior in comparison to anything you could publish on the internets. I relish the chance to do this again sometime.

On a side note, I never paid tribute to the sad news that one of the few modern bands that is actually Rad recently broke up: The White Stripes. So in honor of the Grammys being tonight, and the onslaught of dipshits performances we will undoubtedly witness this evening, I give you a Sunday evening Grammy Performance Rad jam from the Stripes. R.I.P. Jack and Meg. Saddened to hear your Deathletter. A Seven Nation Army really couldn't ever hold back your Radness.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: Fleet Foxes

Today with more and more shitty bands rising to fame, it's also gotten easier than ever to spot a craptastic band instantaneously. Really at this point, actually listening to what a band sounds like in order to pass judgment on their music is just a formality. There are many tell-tale signs you can notice before you even get to the miserable audio experience they will undoubtedly provide your ears. If the band has a name composed of four or more randomly thrown together words they probably suck balls. If the band has over 10 members, with 6 of them playing random string or electric synth instruments, they are likely to suck balls. If a band has two or more members who wear fedoras, and at least one girl with bangs...high probability they blow. Another guaranteed sign we haven't discussed is how the band sounds..when they're not recording slapdick music. I.e. what do they sound like in interviews when they're selling you on their product? Do they sound like some cool dudes who don't take themselves and their music too seriously? Or do the sound like a bunch of uppity dickheads that like hearing themselves talk, and using fancy adjectives to describe their music that masks how much it sucks? If the latter they are probably a lot like this week's Band That Sucks Balls: FLEET FOXES.

These shitbags recently did an interview with Rolling Stone about their soon-to-be released second album. Jesus Christ do these guys absolutely love INHALING the smell of their own farts as they talk about what types of groundbreaking sounds they're bringing to the table for their lame sophomore CD. I think they spend an hour a day working in the studio, and the other 23 blowing themselves while smoking pipes in front of a fireplace. First of all the title of their interview is "Fleet Foxes get existential on second album." Really? Do you know what existential means average Johnny Rock Fan? Well Fleet Foxes do cus they're fucking smart. Generally bands say they're "turning up the amps" with their new CD or "bringing the funk" or something comparable. No the Foxes are gonna blow you away with an overload of existentialism! Jesus Christ. "La La La we're so intellectual and reference philosophy!" Then the singer asks if the interviewer's ever seen one of those catalogs from the 1900's with instruments like a "zither-mandolin-guitar." Um no. He hasn't. He's presumably a rock critic and not an antique dealer. Glad to know you really felt the need to include a fucking "Marxophone" on this new record to really expand on your sound. Of course the band's new album is being recorded in Seattle and is apparently being masterminded by "The Shins" producer, so one can only imagine the brand of upbeat, wrist-slitting acoustic jams this new CD will bless us with.

You wouldn't guess that these assfucks were Seattle residents from the picture above. WTF is going on here? They're on a grassy hill just giggling away about how they duped some record company into signing them apparently. Are they out on a picnic at the wildlife park? More likely, they are out at the dog park with their yorkshire terriers yucking it up about existentialism and the subtle hilarity of "The Darjeeling Limited." All four of these dickwads obviously have hobo beards except for the Rad dude on the right who is apparently trying out for a new side by side picture blog entitled "hipster or lesbian?" Everybody in the band is obviously dressed in bright colored button up flannel or plaid shirts. Evidently the band decided their look of choice would be "homosexual lumberjack." There are absolutely NO words to describe 2nd clown from the left, lying flat on his belly and kicking his birkenstocks up in the air behind him. Nothing more rock and roll then doing the "Home Alone" palms to cheek face. I feel like right after this picture was taken, a chilly breeze set in at the park, prompting the lead singer to suggest they all go buy new scarves..and the band reacted accordingly:

BTW the Fleet Foxes music gobbles nuts. They are obviously a folk rock band with an Appalachian hymn influence that make "baroque harmonic pop jams." So your standard grand fusion of suck. The Fleet Foxes kinda sound like the lovechild of Crosby, Stills, and Nash, Coldplay, and a boys church choir. They're all about waxing poetic in perfect harmony over a random assortment of instruments of course. I saw one clip where one guy had a mandolin, one a MINI keytar, and one a mini xylophone. The percussion guy had to pull tough double duty as both the tom-tom drum banger AND the lead tambourine guy. So fucking lame. Actually the only time these fartknockers get close to rocking is when it's just the strumming acoustic guitar jamming out. At this point in a few of their songs they kinda just sound like some hippie folk outfit from the Woodstock era. Not good...but almost tolerable. Of course no bands today understand less is more so any time a tolerable acoustic jam goes on for too long all the random ass instruments and some wind chimes kick in and you're right back on the bridge to LameCity USA. And then everybody harmonizes in unison again while holding hands around a campfire. BOWWWRING. They describe one complex song on their new album as "a three part, eight minute rollercoaster that ends in a maelstrom of discordant horn skronk." Really? A fucking "Maelstom" of horn skronk? So what, a bunch of people blowing trumpets and tubas in some random pattern for two minutes? Remember when bands ended eight minute songs with a "Maelstrom" of guitar solos? Yeah...that was awesome.

Anyways the gay Paul Bunyan posse is apparently in their early 20's and just releasing their already highly anticipated sophomore album "Helplessness Blues" (probably more emphasis on the "helplessness" aspect than the "blues" factor I'm guessing). So we can definitely expect to hear this folk-pop-appalachian hymn choir outfit bless our ears with more of their pussy campfire jams for years to come. Can't wait. Will they interject more ukelele into their sound?? Maybe some pan flute players will really compliment the ensemble. You'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime I guess we can just hope they soon get inspired by fellow Seattle music legend Kurt Cobain and turn to heroin addiction and accompanying amateur shotgun use. Or at least that they just OD on the injestion of their own flatulence during their next Rolling Stone interview session.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I Once Went to a Museum and Ate Some Paella too...

Last week a buddy of mine sent me a BBC article regarding the current state of unrest in Egypt over Hosni Mubarek's refusal to step down as president. The article really presented a unique perspective on the daily protests taking place in Cairo. Was it written by a seasoned veteran field reporter from the BBC? No. Was it an insightful interview with a local Egyptian involved with the protests? No. Was it an eye-opening alternate perspective from one of Mubarek's supporters in Cairo? Nope. Obviously this article was the written opinion of a 23 year old British kid studying Arabic abroad in Cairo, who had joined in the protests over the last week. This jolly young chap assured the readers that the Egyptian people he was protesting with were extremely nice and treated him like a member of their family. Meanwhile, apparently crowds of Mubarek supporters on the other side of the conflict were a bunch of meanies who threatened him and his pals with vulgar insults. Upon reading this brilliant think piece from Winston Churchhill Jr. I had some strong social viewpoints of my own validated. Namely, the fact that in my humble opinion study abroad students are all fucking douchebags.

Seriously study abroad students are among the most obnoxious collection of pretentious tools on the entire planet. Seriously these fucktards have their heads so far up their own asses they could perform daily colonoscopies on themselves. As is the most case with most cool things that kids today ruined, the concept of studying abroad for a semester was great in principle. Instead of limiting your educational experience to the classrooms of your college campus, why not go out and learn something about the world outside of your own borders? Go out and familiarize yourself with a foreign culture. Pick up a foreign language. Try out new foods and customs. Witness the sights and sounds of another country. Then return home, and WHEN ASKED about your experience studying overseas, briefly tell us what you found most interesting, what you ate, and what tourist attractions you checked out. Done. If this were the standard procedure for kids who study abroad I would have no issue with this form of educational program. Of course this is never the case. Just as kids today can't simply say something positive about their favorite new hipster band without evoking hyperbole that makes them sound like the next Led Zeppelin, they also can't simply "enjoy" their foreign travels. No, for every kid that studied abroad had an experience that was "UNBELIEVABLE!" or "AMAAAZING!." And they will spare you no detail as to why their semester was so much more interesting than yours.

First of all, as evidenced by the aforementioned amateur BBC reporter from Cairo, when you study abroad within about a month you are officially an expert on all political, cultural and social issues of that nation. They will tell you what ethnic groups are the most divided over there. They will tell you how that country's residents feel about America, Britain or whatever allied country they happen to hail from, generally dispelling stereotypes you previously held. This is of course based on the fact that their assigned student sponsor or tour guide took them to a flea market, showed them the city's hottest dance club and taught them some slang terms, all while not stealing their passport or Ipod. Based on this ambassador of goodwill who they've been facebook friends with for a month now, study abroad students can tell you with 100% certainty that our perceptions of that country were completely wrong and that "They really don't have ill feelings towards America. Everybody was really nice to us." Yeah thanks, of course the foreign students in your exchange/study abroad program or your local sponsor were totally swell. They're kinda you know...educated..and supposed to be diplomatic. If a foreign exchange student comes to America they will probably have a high opinion of the Georgetown students or nice midwestern family they stay with too. However if we sent these kids to be shown around Biloxi, Mississippi by a couple of rednecks they'd probably feel a little less welcome. So maybe don't jump to conclusions on how an entire nation feels based on the opinion of one friendly kid you got drunk with who taught you how to say "cocksucker" in French.

Along with the fact that students gain the ability to solve all complex foreign conflicts between nations upon completing their study abroad experience, they also gain an insight into why the country they visited is so much nicer than the good ol' US of A. This is usually expressed through their longing for "real Italian food" or lamenting of the fact that "Guiness really tastes so much better in the UK/Ireland where it's served at a lukewarm temperature." Civil war and aviation museums in America no longer compare to the beautiful art museums and engineering exhibits they saw in Paris and Prague. This is all assuming of course that they visited Europe. If they visited a 3rd world country in say South America or Africa, they will regale you with tales of how much they miss the "personality" of the country they studied in. This is to say they miss taking pictures of themselves with impoverished minority children, gypsies, and farm animals wearing the area's traditional garb. "Just such a simple, beautiful culture over there, you couldn't imagine." Really? You long for the experience of hugging smelly children and holding goats? Go visit rural Tennessee. Fortunately when encountering these future peace-corp volunteers you don't have to hear about how much better the food was over there. Generally when all you have to work with in the kitchen cupboard is rocks, grasshoppers and sticks, you're not gonna be able craft too much gourmet cuisine for your backpacker guests from UVA.

Anyways I'm obviously not opposed to foreign travel. Once I have money I'd like to do the Anthony Bourdain thing and travel to some foreign countries, eating exotic foods and drinking beers with a higher alcohol %. won't be hearing all about how it changed my life and I now have a complex understanding of another culture that you can't relate to. I won't be bitching to you about how some beer with a "Veissen" or "Gartner" in it's name is far better than Coors Original. Most of all, I will not be longing to leave my comfortable existence in the greatest nation in the world to permanently reside in the mountains with goats and poor kids. So stop blowing yourselves study abroaders. Just because you've been to an art museum and enjoyed a bowl of authentic "ceviche" doesn't mean you're Christopher Colombus.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: THE STROKES

When I was in college in the early 2000's I was young and naive, and still held out hope for the future of rock and roll. So when magazines and music channels everywhere proclaimed the "Return of Rock" to mainstream music, I had faith that maybe we were about to hit the new decade's first new wave of cool rock music. After all every era before had ushered in some cool new musical sound, brought to the forefront by a bunch of revolutionary cool bands. So I went ahead and bought all of the cds released by the so called "The" bands in an effort to open my mind to a new era of Rad rock music. So one day, on a chill Tuesday in the dorm, my roommate and I decided to just chill out, drink beers, play Madden and definitely NOT smoke any marijuana while analyzing this new wave of cool bands. Shuffle between The White Stripes, The Vines, The Hives, and The Strokes see which bands/songs caught our ear. Well the only band that really grabbed our attention were The White Stripes. They turned out to be a Rad band that churned out a couple of pretty solid rock albums and gained a rep as one of the best live bands in the biz before calling it quits today. The shittiest band of the bunch, of course ended up being the one with the most staying power, as they are still filling concert halls playing dipshit rock jams for all the cool kids to bop to. And still getting blown by the music media everytime they release a fart. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE STROKES.

It really is appropriate that the same week The White Stripes call it quits, The Strokes would release a new shitty single that receives critical praise, and announce the upcoming release of their next garage rock masterpiece. You know, just to completely piss me off and further question my faith in the future of rock. The Strokes absolutely suck dick. They don't write good catchy hooks. They don't have a unique sound. They can't play their instruments for shit. Their music is not enjoyable in any situation or context. So obviously they are critical darlings, every hollywood dickhead's favorite trendy band, and the hippest rock band from the Big Apple. The Strokes are basically what I would define as Andy Warhol hipsters. They are hipsters that actually got rich and famous for being artsy and trendy, and now get to hang out drinking champagne at art exhibits and fashion shows with supermodels without having produced anything of substance. I mean look at these fucktards. With their leather jackets, sunglasses, slightly long girly hair, and tattered t-shirts. No doubt wearing Converse Chuck Taylors and retro vans. The Strokes' look screams "Whoa check us out we're just an average band from the big city, scraping by in a studio apartment, that saves up enough money a week for beer and ramen." Even though they are actually rich and famous and get to hang at all of the hot spots and A-list parties.

The Strokes' tattered look is actually a clever marketing ploy to make them look like a young Rad band struggling to make it playing shows in dive bars, and drinking PBR. When in reality they are spending the weekend partying with Tommy Hilfiger and Kate Moss drinking $200 vodka. This look of course distracts everyone from the fact that their music is no-talent 3 chord garage rock bullshit. Since they kinda look cool and got famous enough to party with all the stars of US Weekly covers, they get name dropped a lot by celebs as this revolutionary awesome band whose latest CD is always what's "spinning in my (their*) stereo on repeat." All those assholes that will name off The Clash and Velvet Underground as musical icons way before joining all the conformists that happen to enjoy Rolling Stones records. Yeah they BLOW The Strokes constantly. There is nothing cool about The Strokes actual music but as long as they give off an aura of cool, it lends credibility to their complete mediocrity in the musical chops dept. The Strokes are basically "socialites" except they actually have some occupation (member of shitty rock band). Other than that all they are paid to do by their record label is look cool walking in and out of clubs at night wearing sunglasses and leather jackets, while smoking cigarettes.

Oh sorry did I forget to mention that all their music is completely awful and sounds EXACTLY the same? I don't know if you can even call their music "3 chord rock." Half the time each dickhead with a guitar plays one jangling repetitive note, that happens to be slightly higher than the chord being played by the assfuck to the left of them. The drummer doesn't really do anything other than slowly tapping one or two pieces of his kit while swinging his girly curls in the air. Their singer "Julian Casablancas" is your typical craptastic douchebag rock "frontman" that brings nothing in his repertoire that urges the crowd to pump their fist. First of all, his fucking name is "Julian." I don't care how much rock and roll heritage you have running through your veins, if your name is "Julian" there is zero chance that you all.

Julian brings his own unique brand of "singing" to the table which entails switching his voice into random octaves in a scatterbrain matter that doesn't flow in any logical fashion. He starts out by kinda crooning like a hipster Sinatra meets Lou Reed. More talking in a monotone voice than "singing" per se. Then at the hook he screams in some weird screechy yelp like a poor man's Iggy Pop after consuming few too many vodka tonics and American Spirit cigs. Basically this is every Strokes song ever written:

Dipshit guitarist 1: dang dang dang dang dang dang dang dang...

Dipshit Guitarist 2: ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding...

(Incompetent drummer starts tapping away)

Julian: "last night I..was..standing..there..and over to me. And you said...lets go..and I said..."raaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh taaaaake meeee toooo theeeeeere raaaaaah!!!!!!"

(Repeat steps 1-4 twice to complete shitty 2:46 long track)

Look I can take The White Stripes calling it quits as long as in some sort of grand fair compromise in the world of rock and roll, we can get the above assholes to stop making music. Or at least get some of the dipshit celebs and fuckface critics that laud their work to get off their knees. The ability to look trendy and discuss New York Dolls records with Madonna at the Versace party doesn't make you a rock star. It makes you a socialite cock with an overpriced Stooges t-shirt that happens to know how to play an instrument as effectively as a 3rd grader.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


The Super Bowl is Sunday, which means that both the Packers and Steelers have only five days left until they do battle to determine whose obnoxious, oversized fanbase will lay claim to the Lombardi Trophy when this season's through. With two weeks in between the conference championship round and the big game, the first week is usually reserved for recuperating injuries, spending time with your family, or going on vacation to Cabo with your celebrity twat girlfriend and forgetting how to play quarterback. The week before the Super Bowl is when teams really get down to business with their actual preparation, but more than anything else the week before the Super Bowl is known for being the time when teams bust out the trash talk. Opposing players are called out for either playing dirty or being pansies. Opposing coaches call each other out for their cheap, underhanded tactics. Super Bowl media week is when you get all your WWE/Boxing style braggodocio in press conferences about who's kicking whose ass.

This year however, media week is a little different as nobody has to actually go out in public and boast about how inferior their opponent is. No, nowadays you can hide out in the privacy of your own bedroom behind the mask of the internet and do your shit talking in your PJs. You don't have to appear tough and act confident while spewing your bulletin board quotes at the podium. You don't have to look over your shoulder and worry about the person you're bashing actually walking up behind you and knocking you the fuck out. Instead of coming up with clever, headline-worthy soundbites that are worth splattering all over Sportscenter or the front page, now our heros of the gridiron can just quickly type out short, incoherent rants filled with typos, emoticons and childish acronyms like the ramblings of a 12 year old girl. This is because of the advent of a website that has completely pussified all athlete/rock star/celebrity feuding "Twitter."

Twitter is absolutely the stupidest fucking excuse for a website (or "invention" for that matter), to come out of the modern era of technology. It serves absolutely no purpose and contributes nothing to the daily improvement of our society. I bash Facebook a lot, and criticize the fact that it has given a soapbox forum to the whiney crybabies and self-aggrandizing assholes of our generation. Well compared to Twitter, Facebook is a completely necessary social networking tool that does wonders for the world of communication today. Seriously Mark Zuckerberg is like the fucking guy who cured polio compared to the asshat that created the idea of Twitter. At least Facebook is of some use to people who don't want to simply spend all day telling people each time they dropped a deuce or make "lol" comments on their friend's hilarious quote they posted.

Twitter is like Facebook...if Facebook were nothing but Status Updates. It serves no purpose other than to validate the self-importance of douchebags by not only giving them a podium for their every thought or announcement, but also providing them a legion of "followers" to further feed their ego. Seriously has anybody thought about how ridiculous it is for people to sign up for a website as "followers?" You're not "friends" with people on Twitter, You're not "fans" of people on Twitter. You're a "follower." Like these people you've attached yourself to are great leaders taking you to the promised land as you "follow" their every move. It scares the shit out of me that millions of people care to "follow" each time Kim Kardashian takes a Yoga class or Ashton Kutcher "ices" a bro, or Jeanine Garofalo endorses a political candidate. Who the fuck cares? Don't you people have lives of your own to follow? Lives that are every bit as meaningless and mundane as these rich fucktards you spend your days deifying through your following of their newsfeed?

Anyways, getting off my soapbox and returning to my original point, it seems the main purpose of Twitter these days is to provide an outlet for rich assholes to talk shit about each other without having to actually be mean to their face. I would expect members of the Screen Actors Guild and Reality TV whores to engage in this sort of behavior where adults giggle to themselves as they throw verbal jobs from a distance at their foes hidden behind the fortress of the internet. Actors have always been self-righteous pussies who thought highly of their own opinions and used media outlets to bash their counterparts and the establishment. Athletes and rock stars however, should not be involved in all this if they're gonna feud. If my team's star linebacker thinks the halfback he's lining up against this sunday runs like a pussy he should go out in public and question the guy's manhood on TV. He shouldn't post: "You kidding me?! Ima Destroy that soft bigmouth this Sunday!! LMAO!! Watch Yo back! :)." If one rock frontman thinks another band's guitarist is a total dick, he should tell him to his face at an awards show and throw champagne on his supermodel girlfriend he used to bang a year ago. They shouldn't be lashing out at each other via "tweets." Can you imagine how lame the East Coast - West Coast rap war would have been in the age of Twitter?

@2Pac Death Row Till I Die "We iz on the West Coast which the BEST Coast!! LMAO!!Don't Git It Twisted Biggie Smallz ;) 2:57 pm
@Notorious B.I.G. King of NY "Homie Pleez! We know the East Coast Run shit up in her! LOL!! Y'all need to stop poppin' dem crazy pills!! :) 3:12 pm
@Puff Daddy Bad Boys "I thought I told y'all that we don't stop!!!! ROTFL!!!! 4:17 pm

I hope this week for the restoration of my faith in manhood that if the respective rosters of the Packers and Steelers don't get in a bar brawl at a Dallas strip club, or publically question the cujones of each teams' quarterbacks, that they just stay quiet. Wait till the ball is kicked off to do your shit talking, rather than resorting to updating your IPhones and Blackberry's with childish digs at the opposition. Pretty sure Jack Lambert and Ray Nitschke would never have expressed their disdain for each other through the use of a smiley face.