Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Jesus Wasn't Good at Football Either

This Sunday in the National Football League was admittedly a bit uninteresting compared to some of the craziness seen during the first six weeks of the season. After all, six of the best teams in the league had bye weeks, and the NFL continued its run of shitbag primetime games (seriously when the hell does flex scheduling start?). Still, there were a number of interesting storylines worth covering by the pigskin talking heads even on this reasonably uneventful Sunday. The Falcons retastablished themselves as contenders with an impressive road win over the once unbeatable Lions. A rookie shattered an 18 year franchise record held by the NFL's all-time leading rusher in his first start. The Packers maintained their unblemished record. Really any of these stories could have passed for the "front page headline" at the end of week 7 in the NFL. Instead of course the story that analysts, reporters, and sportswriters couldn't get enough of involved winless team and a one win team engaging in a meaningless and alltogether horribly boring 18-15 shootout. Why you ask? Well because it involved everyone's favorite golden boy Jesus afficionado: Tim Tebow.

Pretty much everyone who , you know watches football regularly can unequivocally see that Tim fucking Tebow sucks total donkey dick when it comes to playing quarterback in the NFL. Unfortunately none of us average Joe football fanatics actually gets paid to analyze the NFL. The people that do have made it a point to blow him at every moment possible. It's absolutely ridiculous. Every headline today was "Tebowmania!" or "Tebow: the legend grows!" or some variation of the like. Yesterday endless amounts of time were spent analyzing every detail of the showdown between the 0-5 Dolphins and 1-4 Broncos that will ultimately mean nothing to this season's playoff picture. My question of course is..WHY? WHAT. THE. FUCK? What is it with the media and their desire to hype and praise this completely mediocre (more like completely shitty) football player? For starters, let's establish what LEGENDARY feats Tim Tebow accomplished yesterday. He "led" a valiant 15 point comeback that required a recovered onside kick, an amazing catch in the waning moments, a forced fumble by the defense, and a 52 yard game winning field goal. Other than that Tim Tebow pretty much singlehandedly pulled a miraculous comeback out of his asshole along with the usual unicorns and rainbows that exit his bunghole.

I have never seen so many people with such a raging hard-on for an athlete that has accomplished absolutely nothing at the professional level. I mean I've come to expect that once an athlete establishes themself at the top of their sport we will have to hear about their every move ad nauseum 24/7 (Brett Favre, LeBron James etc.). Never however, have I seen the national media so universally on a guy's jock before he has even established the ability to be competent. So what exactly fascinates everyone (the media) about this cocktaster? NBC's Bob Costas, who likes to wax poetic once a week at halftime of SNF about the bullshit Disney story of the day, offered this typically nauseating explanation:

"Tebow's appealing intangibles: His HEART, his SIZE, his ATHLETICISM, his PLAYMAKING KNACK...He is a distinctive and compelling player. Easy to root for."

Jesus fuck. Ok let's start by crossing off the obvious fallacies in this utterly idiotic statement. There is nothing special about his size or athleticism. He's an average sized QB with the strength to break tackles in short yardage situations. There is nothing inherently exciting or "distinctive" about his playing style. He's not juking the shit out of linebackers and taking off on 40 yard scrambles ala Michael Vick. His "playmaking knack" never seems to show itself during the first 50 plus minutes of games when he's air mailing throws over receiver's heads. Just because unique circumstances allowed him to score on a couple late game goalline touchdowns, doesn't make him John Elway.

So that leaves us with one intangible that makes Tebow so "easy to root for" His "heart." What exactly defines a player's "heart" you ask? Nothing. It's a totally bullshit adjective used to describe players that the media loves to laud for their ability to succeed under difficult circumstances. Yes, it can be seen as a sort of inherent desire to fight till the final whistle, ability to play through pain, and refusal to give up. Let's be honest though. Don't most successful NFL players possess this trait? I mean do most "superstar" (i.e. nobody on the Miami roster) players in this league just mail it in once they face a deficit. No. Somehow though, when Tim Tebow decides to play hard at the end of the game he shows such great "heart" and "grit" and "scrappyness" and any other number of words used to describe clean-cut all-American white guys that the NFL applauds. Especially ones that are polite, go on global Christian missions, swear off vagina till marriage, and do Pro-life Super Bowl ads with their moms. That is after all what this is about. If we really wanted to talk 24/7 about a compelling young quarterback with a distinctive blend of size, athleticism and playmaking knack taking the league by storm, we'd be talking about Cam Newton. Of course, Newton is black, dances after touchdowns, and probably slammed a coed or two during his brief time at Auburn. He's fun to watch, but certainly not somebody the NFL dreams of being the "face" of their sport.

That presumably is the main reason the NFL "needs" a superstar like Tebow. Football apparently needs a pure, untainted superstar that every kid can look up to when they're playing boring scrappy football and scoring touchdowns that aren't followed by crazy jive dances. A kid you'd hope your son shared a room with in college so they could engage in Friday night bible study, and abstain from promiscuity and binge drinking. A boy you'd welcome to your boring family Thanksgiving. Well I'm here to tell you that is complete bullshit, and I'm pretty sure I speak for most of the NFL's core audience when I say that Tim Tebow's success/failure will not impact my desire to watch football whatsoever. In fact we're totally fine with watching a league of foul mouthed, substance abusing assholes with crazy hair and tattoos, as long as those aforementioned assholes can jump high, run fast, and hit really hard. Or in Tim Tebow's case throw a pretty spiral. Until Tim Tebow can do anything of note on the field that makes football fans go WOW, none of his "intanglibles" will matter. So until that day comes, lets cut out the media slobbering of his virgin ballsack, and just accept that he sucks at playing football.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

As Usual Douchebags are 99% of the Problem.

Following the writing of my "Summer Movie Preview," I've been on a bit of a hiatus from the blogosphere (ok fine 5 months). A large reason for my absence from the world of angry internet ranting is the fact that soon after I incorrectly predicted "Cowboys & Aliens" would be good, I lost my job. Yes despite the fact that I was a model employee for an anonymous major oil corporation not named Shell, Texaco, or Exxon they canned me at a moment's notice. Such is the reality of modern America amidst the recession. Even if you've been working someplace for a while, under the impression that showing up at 915 and taking 30 minute poop breaks after lunch isn't gonna get you axed, your boss may be on the verge of firing just to cut some costs. Anyways once I was back out on the street without a source of income I decided to do what any rational, hard working American would do. I called up a couple of my friends who were also unemployed and suggested that we all road trip to New York City with the intention of taking down the man holding us down. We'd camp out in a park by Wall Street, with clever signs protesting corporate America and make sure our voices got heard by the 1% of Americans that control all the money and power in this country. Seemed like a fool proof plan to ensure this economy was fixed immediately.

Oh wait nevermind...actually I didn't follow that plan of attack since I'M NOT A FUCKING DICKHEAD. Unlike the people who are the subject of this week's Lawn rant: the "Occupy Wall Street" brigade. Jesus Christ these kids should have been aborted. What a bunch of attention starved, spoiled assholes. I can't believe anyone gives these people the time of day. We'll get to their "cause" later but before we address the actual issues supposedly being protested, I think it's important we take a look at the faces of these "victims." For the most part they are people like me. Twenty something children from middle class backgrounds struggling to find jobs in this wretched economy. There are few people actually struggling to put food on their table amongst the crowds of douchebags gathering in NYC parks protesting the "Evil 1%." At least, I assume they could buy some food if they sold their Ipods, Ipads, Macbook Pro or $45 Che Guevara t-shirt they bought online. They probably have savings accounts and credit cards to live off of, and a family member or two willing to give them a roof over their head while they make the effort to idk SEARCH FOR A JOB. You know, that crazy process that involves working on your resume, sending in applications to 500 different companies hoping for one interview, and taking the initiative to find work anywhere that'll pay you peanuts. Of course there is not really any time to do any of these things when you are busy making witty signs, dressing up like George Washington and organizing drum circles around a tent.

I'm sure a lot of people are probably like "Waaaah! But I HAVE tried to get a job and I can't! It's such a struggle! My degree should ensure me a job!" Yeah sorry not the case buddy. I saw one asshole with a sign that said "My sign would be better if my school hadn't cut our art funding." Umm...well there's one problem chief...you have a fucking ART degree. What exactly does that qualify you to do? Newsflash fuckface, no matter how much the corporate hierarchy changes, the ability to discern between Monet" paintings is never gonna have employers drooling at the prospect of bringing you on board. I know you thought your summer in Munich would really prepare you for the real world, but now it turns out that minor in German isn't a great resume bullet point. Shoulda taken Spanish so you could at least help run your uncle's landscaping firm. We are living in a world where experienced lawyers and business professionals can't keep their jobs. Do you really believe your shitbag liberal arts degree in Sub-Saharan anthropology means you're OWED a job? It doesn't.

Of course the real question is what exactly are these Generation Y asshats trying to accomplish with their protests? What is the "cause?" Better yet what is the "injustice" that you are raging against the machine in the name of? If you ask one of these Occupy revolutionaries, they will give you some rambling stoned answer about "Corporate Greed" and "Taking the power out of the hands of the 1%" and any other number of slogans ready for a Vespa bumper sticker. None of them actually know what the problem with our economy is any more than you or I do. They certainly don't have a "solution." Basically the gripe is "The rich are filthy rich and control all the wealth...and continue to be swimming in Scrooge McDuck piles of gold while the rest of us struggle." Yeah well....that's the way it's always been. Ain't gonna change any time soon. As I've mentioned before, protesting is an absolutely fruitless labor. No corporate CEOs wiping their ass with Ben Franklin's face are gonna go "oooooh look at all those angry kids with cardboard signs, better fix the way we do business ASAP." You're wasting your time. Protesting has never gotten one unemployed person hired in the history of the planet, and something tells me your efforts are gonna come up just as empty.

So what should you do? I don't know, maybe the same thing I did. You know me, an English major with an absolutely useless liberal arts degree who somehow found a way to get a job in this shit economy. Yeah it fucking took forever and yeah it pissed me off on a daily basis. Yeah I spent many nights crying into a bottle of Evan Williams while listening to Blues records (maybe should have left that part out). I dealt with it though . By doing everything within my power all day, every day to find SOMETHING I was qualified to do. You OWS shitheads should try doing the same. It may not be that dream job that "gives you a sense of fullfillment" or "challenges you" that you cockfaces these days long for. I guarantee however, there is some way you can make yourself a productive member of society, that doesn't involve making signs and yelling at rich people. Stop occupying city parks and corporate sidewalks, and go occupy a staffing agency. Pretty sure they have a better shot at landing you a job than your smelly bongo bandmate does anytime soon.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Lawn Summer Movie Preview

Today is Memorial Day so I hope that all of you took some time out from BBQing and drinking budweiser by the pool this weekend to remember our nation's brave war veterans. For most of the country , Memorial Day weekend means the official start of summer, as school is out and the weather is finally warm enough for shorts and flip flops. On a related note Memorial Day weekend is also the beginning of summer movie season. That time of year where Hollywood rolls out their best "popcorn flicks" (Movies that don't require thinking) in an effort to get you to fork over $10 to your local cineplex on a weekly basis. Of course, as is the case with all entertainment these days, 90% of what is released is bound to be complete garbage. This year looks no different, as a quick glance at the summer release schedule tells me there are only a few movies worth wasting two hours of my Saturday on. Without further ado I have decided to preview all the major upcoming releases in the Lawn's 2011 Summer Movie Preview.

1. The Hangover 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYL_T7f59o8

This is probably the first summer movie I will check out, solely because the first one was hilarious. I have to say however, that I have pretty low expectations for this one. This is based primarily on the proven fact that comedy sequels always suck, even when the entire cast returns. I mean even if they're not bad, they never live up to the standard of the original. The Hangover Part 2 basically looks like they made the same exact movie again, but switched the setting to Bangkok. Which is fine, but one of the things that made the Original Hangover so great was that it was an original ridiculous premise. How the fuck does the same exact thing happen again? After one bachelor party where the random weirdo roofied all our drinks with hallucinogenic drugs, wouldn't you NOT invite that asshole back for another go-around? Or at least monitor your cocktails closely? Obviously this is too much logic for a Bro comedy, so lets just move on.

2. The Tree of Life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXRYA1dxP_0

This wins the prize for "Summer film most likely to garner 12 Oscar nominations" come award season." It also wins the award for "completely bullshit movie I am least likely to watch." I love this trailer that tells me absolutely NOTHING about what the hell this movie is about. This looks like they took the bullshit indie art film that won "best original short" at SXSW and made it a two hour movie. Oh so we've got Brad Pitt...and he raises some kids in a suburb..and the skies are overcast. Oh and now we get to see some flames...and some ocean waves..and then HEY LOOK there's Sean Penn...running his fingers under a sink. Hey Brad Pitt, I didn't see "Babel" or "Benjamin Button" either and I'm not gonna see your latest abstract conceptual "masterpiece" either. Go back to making real movies you asshole.

3. Super 8: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCRQQCKS7go

Contrary to popular belief, this is not a film about a discount motel chain. Since M. Night Shyamalan stopped making decent movies like 10 years ago, J.J. Abrams (Star Trek, Lost) is in charge of giving geeks their sci-fi horror fix this summer. I don't really get into sci-fi flicks, mostly because I'm not really into putting thought into figuring out weird supernatural plot twists. This movie looks like "Final Destination" meets "The Happening" where a bunch of general chaos starts occuring in a town, with cars being flung around shit exploding. With Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights presumably in charge of stopping it all. Lame.

4. Green Lantern: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oazFv302DIM

Summer of course is also when all the comic super-hero flicks come out which can either be awesome (Batman/Spiderman 1 & 2) or horrible (Fantastic 4). I'm guessing this one fits in the latter category. I've never really liked Ryan Reynolds, he's always struck me as kind of a douche bro in the same vein as Ashton Kutcher. Also, never was enough of a comic book geek to even remember who Green Lantern was. So yeah based on that, not gonna see this.

5. Bad Teacher: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VihlsPKMh4U

This actually looks like it has some potential. Apparently this movie follows the formula of Bad Santa, but substitutes Cameron Diaz as the immoral misfit boozehound working in a position that requires being nice to children. Justin Timberlake, and Jason Sigel are generally hilarious, and this movie's rated R so we can get some quality raunchy dialogue from them and Diaz hopefully. Also, in case nobody noticed Cameron Diaz has a sexy car wash scene. So yeah, I'm probably down.

6. Transformers: Dark of the Moon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHRf01Gjosk

The third installment in Michael Bay's series of shitty blockbuster robot warfare movies starring Shia LeDouche and Megan Fox's tits. Only this time around Megan Fox's tits didn't make the casting cut. So, there's officially no reason to see this glorified two hour toy commercial.

7. Zookeeper: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu2zaUT6RQo

"Yeah we should definitely just make Dr. Dolittle again, except substitute Kevin James for Eddie Murphy."

God movie execs are fucking assholes.

8. Horrible Bosses: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDUpOXfwQUo

A movie about everyone's (except me of course) fantasy of killing off their douchebag supervisor. Sounds pretty Rad. Any trailer that involves Charlie from "Always Sunny" yelling "LETS KILL THIS BITCH!" generally has me at hello. Throw in Kevin Spacey as an asshole boss, Jason Bateman, and a premise that involves Colin Farrel being murdered and I'm sold.

9. Harry Potter part 27: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mObK5XD8udk

They've promised me this is the LAST installment of the stupid kiddie movie phenomenon that chicks love. If it's not, I say we dispatch Navy Seal Team 6 after that British bitch who writes this shit.

10. Friends with Benefits: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34xfcoRceeU


Ok I know saying chick flicks are predictably formulaic is kinda like stating that Tyler Perry films are loud and sassy, but seriously this is ridiculous. They just made the same exact fucking movie like 3 months ago. Except substituting Timberlake and Mila Kunis for Kutcher and Natalie Portman, and changing the name. I assume around Christmas we'll get the third variation on the "Friends start banging casually then fall in love" formula. "Ugly Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached" starring Sarah Jessica Parker, coming soon to a theatre near you.

11. Cowboys and Aliens: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJixNxFxhT4

I seriously got a full blown boner when I heard the concept of this movie, and had to double check that it was for real. Ok so....James Bond...Indiana Jones...in a western...involving intergalactic warfare/alien invasion. WHAT?? FUCKING SIGN ME UP. You also gotta love that for once the movie studios didn't get creative in titling a movie. "Yeah uh...there's Cowboys & Aliens...fighting each other. What else do you really need to know?" (We'll throw in Olivia Wilde standing around being hot for good measure). This movie looks like a complete overload of Rad. If you don't want to see this movie you have no penis and/or listen to Coldplay. If there's one movie I will definitely be forking over ten beans for, it's this cinematic gem.

Anyways that's it for the first Lawn Summer Movie Preview. Hopefully this will help you make the right decisions in picking and choosing what popcorn flicks you are gonna throw your hard earned paychecks at. More importantly, I hope it helps you decide what NOT to see, when you could be day drinking in the sun instead. At any rate, enjoy the summer movie season while it lasts, before it gets cold and we are forced to watch all the bullshit Oscar contender flicks to take our mind off the lack of NFL football.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Rappers That Suck Balls: LIL WAYNE

I was in high school around the time rock music REALLY started to suck balls, with the Limp Bizkits and Korns of the world taking over the airwaves. As reaction to all this garbage I, along with many other youths turned to gangster rap as our new rebellious music of choice. My friends and I cruised around the burbs blasting the latest hip hop shit, and jammed out to it in our headphones to get amped before basketball games. At the time most rap music was fucking rad, so we could compile a pretty massive collection of jams when we all shared and copied the CDs each of us had bought/downloaded off Napster. Our one friend however, was useless in that department because he only listened to horrendous Dirty South rap the rest of us had no interest in. "No dude I am not gonna lend you the latest Wu-Tang CD in exchange for the chance to burn your 5th Ward Weebie LP." By far his favorite rappers were the members of "Cash Money Records." For those of you who can't remember, Cash Money specialized in releasing 17 albums of year from their lineup of generic shitty rappers who all rapped about having bling, being rich, buying rims...and nothing else. We all assumed that this collection of shitbags would eventually fade out, and they pretty much did..except for one member who many years later, grew up to be the "greatest rapper alive." Zero idea what caused this phenomenon, and I wanted to address it in this week's edition of Bands (Rappers) That Suck Balls: LIL WAYNE.

Just take a moment to soak in the above picture, for you are looking at Lil Wayne..King of the Ass Clowns. Whether you refer to him as Lil Wayne, Lil Weezy, Weezy F Baby or any other fucking retarded nickname he's bestowed upon himself, you are talking about a magna cum laude graduate of Bozo University. Seriously just look at this fucking dickhead. First of all he is keeping it mad real in a PINK camoflauge hoodie. Apparently borrowed from a female marine who will kick his ass if he doesn't return it. Of course his hoodie is unbuttoned with no shirt underneath so that we can witness his 117 stupid tattoos inked across his 140 pound frame. Walking around shirtless to flash your tats is only badass and intimidating if you're jacked like a jail homie. If you're skinny and walk around shirtless flashing your stupid tats...it's retarded. Take it from me, a skinny guy with stupid tattoos. Finally urban society finally progressed to the point that you don't have to sag your pants off your ass to look cool. Lil Wayne however, is trying to bring it back, by taking the fashion trend to an even more idiotic level, and sagging his pants..beneath his dick. Thanks you shithead the world really needed to see your rainbow polka dotted boxer briefs. Finally he has what appears to be the word "Rape" on his belt buckle, presumably to remind him what will happen on a daily basis if he ever goes to real prison.

I don't feel the need to attach clips of this imbecile's musical genius to reinforce my argument, because..who HASN'T hear what Lil Wayne sounds like. If you've turned on the radio, been to a bar or attended a frat party in the last five years, you've heard this fucktard's music blasting. I really don't care what anybody says, Lil Wayne is an awful rapper. First of all he has the WORST voice ever. He sounds like a ashtmatic frog croaking through one of those throat cancer patient voiceboxes. I don't care if his lyrics involve the most poetic analogies in the world, there's no way I can get past his voice to appreciate his "true appeal." Speaking of which..he has none. Rappers used to rap about Rad shit like selling coke, shooting people, and pouring champagne on bitches. Lil Wayne raps about complete bullshit like being an alien from another planet and other ridiculous statements that lend to him just bragging about how awesome he is through metaphor. Yes there is a skill to this, but still it's fucking boring and gets old quick. We get it, your shit's hotter than summer and you are colder than winter, lets move on. As for the actual musical aspect I don't really get the big deal either. It's not like his songs are particularly catchy, his beats are generic synthesized crap, and his hooks generally employ him auto-tune singing (maybe the worse vocal innovation in music history.) So yeah long story short, no possible reason to throw this on the Ipod.

What is even more infuriating about Weezy F FuckStick is that people actually believe he is an amazing "artist." I mean I'm not here to judge every douchebag that makes ignorant rap music, because generally nobody takes those guys seriously. I mean yeah Three Six Mafia won an Oscar, but I don't think anybody is arguing the creative merits of "Sipping on Some Syzzurp." Weezy however is a universally adored, and critically acclaimed musical artist. He is on the cover of legitimate music publications not called "The Source" or "XXL." He fucking started writing articles..FOR ESPN. WHY?? Why the FUCK do I care to hear some shitbag rapper rant about his predictions for the upcoming NFL season? (BTW Weezy's favorite sports teams are apparently the Boston Red Sox, Boston Bruins, Green Bay Packers, and LA Lakers...i.e. four random ass teams nowhere close to his native New Orleans..also idiotic). He fancies himself as some sort of hybrid musical/entertainment/cultural icon whose brilliance we should bow down to, as he emphasizes any time a reporter sits down with him. All this would be obnoxious enough if it's the only shit he bragged about, and he didn't you know, expect us to actually acknowledge he's an icon among..actual human beings in society. Of course Lil Wayne then sets the record straight with brilliant soundbites like this:

When asked about the perception he’s over-saturating the market with his music, Wayne responds,

“Darling, I don’t care what nobody think. Talk to me like you talk to Martin Luther King or Malcolm X. You’re not going to ask him about what he thinks about what somebody said about him. You ask him about his greatness, and his greatness only.”

WHAT?? Yeah I mean your fucking hot jam about getting sucked off like a lollipop is basically equivalent to the "I have a Dream" speech. If I remember correctly Malcolm X's led his followers by example, largely through wearing his trousers below his dick and getting teardrops tattoed on his face. What a self-righteous cock. Sadly people actually buy this up as evidenced by the fucking "Free Weezy" t-shirts (A new ironic hipster fad) you see every time he's serving hard time in jail as a celebrity for possessing high amounts of weed and codeine. WHY? Why the hell should we free this completely useless asshole with no redeeming qualities? He's not a messiah. Lock his midget ass up and throw away the key. Fuck freeing Weezy. Free us, the public, from having to listen to this batshit moron croak out any further nonsense every time a microphone is put in front of him.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Hater Mailbag Volume 3

When we last left the haters, they were making use of the All-Caps key to emphasize how sad and lonely I was, inquiring whether I had A.D.D., and questioning my lack of intellect and maturity, all while butchering the proper spelling of the term "you're" as usual. A couple weeks passed, and once again I came under the assumption that the haters had been subdued. Commentary from normal people who actually read blogs because they enjoy what's on the site, was on the rise again. All seemed well. Then of course as they always do, the haters came out of the woodwork in record numbers. Spewing their "logical arguments," questioning if I in fact liked any type of music, or just resorting to childish insults if they didn't have the time to jot down a coherent argument. Of course as I always do, I got a great chuckle out of all these losers with nothing better to do than angrily criticize an obscure blog, from the comfort of their laptops. I have once again compiled the lamest commentary on this side of the blogosphere, and will now address the haters in my Third Hater Mailbag. Without further ado, BRING ON THE HATE!

LukeGroundFlyer RE: "Deutschland"

"Look at that shit. Just fucking watch that shit. And when you're done with that shit, take a look at this shit." (Inserts THREE youtube clips of soccer goals.)

Wow a non-music snob hater. Ok first of all, I wrote my soccer rant during the World Cup, which last time I checked was...a year ago. The devotion of haters to their craft, never ceases to amaze me. Seriously you just NOW went back 150 posts in the archives to go off on me for hating soccer last year? Anyways just showing me Youtube clips of the sport you grew to love during your two months abroad in Madrid, is not really gonna change my opinion of it. Oh sweet 36 second clip of this awesome goal. What happened during the other 89 minutes and 24 seconds of the match? NOTHING? Cool that's what I thought. Continue to "Support" your favorite "Club" (Pretentious Soccer fact #37272 fans don't root/cheer for teams...they "Support Clubs") all you wish, but don't expect a few clips to change my opinion of your lame sport.

"G" re: TOOL

"this sounds like something the band would say themselves just to throw off their herd..how i even came across this i cant even remember..but i leave you with this: i heard what you said..you know nothing of their work!..You mean their whole fallacy is wrong..How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing...if you don't get this then..eh forget it..."

? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0

Huh? That folks literally was the worst written English paragraph I have ever seen. Just read this sentence again: "You mean their whole fallacy is wrong." Ok do you even know what "fallacy" means? Using fancy college boy words can be very effective in debate..if you know..used properly. You just said that I meant Tool's whole incorrect reasoning and misconceptions is wrong. Um. Yeah sure I guess. However the fuck that is a point is beyond me. Also, who told this guy about my secret life as a college professor. I don't remember including "Professional Music teacher" on my blogger profile anywhere, so...don't worry I haven't gotten to teach a course in anything. How you passed a course in anything, with writing is beyond amazing.

LUKE re: Neon Trees

As far as I'm concerned:
Shit: (Inserts Shitty "Neon Trees" clip)
Indie: (Inserts Shitty "The Pixies" clip)

Oh god. The old school hipster music snob. Somehow his positive commentary infuriated me more than most negative commentary. "Oh yeah I agree that Neon Trees sucks balls, now let me show you all what REAL indie rock is about with this noise rock classic from The Pixies." For the record, The Pixies suck just as much dick as Neon Trees. Just because some assfuck at Spin told you they have three of the greatest 90's rock records ever, and used some fancy language in doing so, doesn't mean they were actually any good. Anyways, whatever one noise rock indie band sounds just like the next one, maybe I just have an extremely shallow taste in music.

LUKE re: Vampire Weekend

"Been snooping around your blog for a bit, and I have to say, you sir, have an extremely shallow taste in music....And I don't mean that's necessarily bad, I just mean, like, don't you ever get tired of the pentatonic scale every once in a while?"

Ok I love the disclaimer on this one: "I don't mean that's necessarily bad." You just told me I was shallow, which is by definition an insult, but then said that's "not necessarily bad." That's like me saying "with all due respect...your girlfriend is kinda a bitch." The first disclaimer doesn't clear me of the second part. Also, I HATE the fucking pentatonic scale argument. "OHHH FANCY MUSIC TERMINOLOGY!!" From what I understand from my friends who play the guitar (layman's terms here obviously) the pentatonic scale is a sort of base blues rock scale that lots of great guitarists like your Stevie Ray Vaughans and Buddy Guy's of the world have always used. Basically a scale where there is a lack of dissonance, and notes don't clash in sound. I.E. melodic...sounding like actual music..etc. Gimme a break. Oh and this argument is made in defense of fucking "Vampire Weekend?" Yeah pretty sure the guitarist of every band I like can play whatever bullshit "scale" these hipster jangle rockers can play.

Echelon re: Neon Trees

"You can all go fuck yourselves. Neon Trees is a great band, the members are wonderful people and if you don't like it. don't fucking listen."

Great argument. Uh...I don't like Neon Trees...which is why I don't fucking listen to their music. I just write hater blog posts about their shitty band. Now that that's out of the way, "The members are wonderful people" is not a point. I could care less if a band's members are horribly immoral, drug-addled assholes..in fact I'd prefer it.

Jade re: Fleet Foxes

"I would be extremely interested to know what kind of music you DO like.The only thing I got out of this was that YOU suck balls."

Kevin re: Fleet Foxes

"Yeah dude, Jade's right. You're an idiot. Big time."

Wow Fleet Foxes fanbase is apparently made up of former debate team captians. "YOU suck balls"..."Yeah agreed..what she said." For all the criticism I get for not criticizing the actual merits of a shitty band's music, half of you hater commenters never actually argue FOR the merits of your favorite shitty band's music. "I don't know why Fleet Foxes are good..they just are...so..you're an idiot. Big time." Since no effort was made here, I'm not gonna bother reiterating what type of music I live and will just take the childish route. I like music that DOESN'T suck balls, unlike Fleet Foxes.

Adley re: R.E.M.

"Your convictions have no merit. I would imagine as you might be able to distinguish "rock," you certainly are unable to distinguish "art".

Congratulations to Adley for being the first hater in history to use "your" properly. Other than that, fuck him. I am unable to distinguish "art"..? Jesus christ. I write a blog that features Clint Eastwood holding a shotgun as its logo, and the term "sucks balls" in the title of its main weekly feature. Do you really thing I care at all about distinguishing "art?" The only music I am able to distinguish is in fact rock, so I could really give half a shit if you think I can't comprehend "art." To me "art" these days is just defined as anything abstract looking/sounding that can't be classified within a normal category. Which is why a painting of Kramer from "Seinfeld" isn't selling for millions of dollars, but a picture of a deformed purple frog with triangles for eyes does. Doesn't mean I would prefer the former hanging on my wall. Also why R.E.M. is considered "better" music with more "artistic merit" than say Def Leppard. One band can easily be classified as fun arena party rock, the other band fits into no genre other than "alternative," making it "art." Well if simplistic loud, fun music played on a pentatonic scale, isn't art then I have no interest in distiguishing if any of my favorite bands fit into your pretentious classification of what makes music "art."

Anyways, that's all for this edition of Hater Mailbag. Don't be shy haters, I welcome ridiculing your future childish insults, illogical arguments, and general poor grammar as they get posed on my little blog. Please keep the negative commentary coming. Haters make the world go round' and this irrationally angry site welcomes your irrational anger with open arms. Till next time KEEP HATIN'!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: DAUGHTRY

Due to technical difficulties with Google last week, there was no Bands That Suck Balls entry posted at it's regularly scheduled date. Wouldn't want anybody to think a week passed where I COULDN'T think of a bands that suck balls. Anyways, I wrote a Mother's day tribute post a few weeks ago and it occurred to me that I forgot to mention another distinct mom trait. Namely, the tendency to discuss subjects with their sons, that no man would generally have any interest in dicussing. Prime example: American Idol. More than any other demographic, moms fucking love them some American Idol. For some reason they believe that their sons also share a deep fondness for Karaoke renditions of Motown. It never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday my mom asked me if I knew that "the rocker guy" had been kicked off the show. No mom, in the middle of my busy day of drinking beer, watching sports and surfing heterosexual porn I did not get a chance to peruse the "AI" standings. At any rate, American Idol used to be a show aimed at finding the next shitty Billboard pop artist, but in recent years we've apparently seen the advent of "the rocker guy" showing up on the program each season. Some guy who wants to be a "rock star", but can't find any other pussies who share his affinity for the Goo Goo Dolls, and want to form a band. This trend can be largely attributed to the success of this week's Band That Sucks Balls: DAUGHTRY.

I have resisted the urge to do a "Daughtry" entry for a while because I wasn't even sure if they qualified as a "rock band." Well upon further research they do qualify, and I think I'm stating the obvious when I say they absolutely suck enormous quantities of balls. One peek at this entourage of fucksticks should tell you that. Whose mom fucking dressed the above set of dickheads? We've got homeless man's Richie Sambora on the right dressed a lot like I used to...when I was 10. Hey 1994 called, they want their chain wallet and airwalks back clown. Then we've got three other tools dressed in some variation of the "mid-life crisis bro" wardrobe. Form fitting jeans, v-neck t-shirt and jacket combo, boots, and a chain or dog tag as rad neck accessory to round things out. Second tard from the right kicked the badass up a notch with his sweet mohawk, so we're all aware that he downloaded a Ramones song off Itunes once. Of course king assfuck is Chris Daughtry himself, pictured second from the left. Sweet leather suit guy. Clearly this guy is business...but also here to party. Cue ball also rocks the pencil goatee and chin strap beard generally seen on Turkish businessmen who roofie girls at club. All these characteristics would lead one to believe there is absolutely no rocking out on the horizon when these guys step onstage. Lets confirm this assumption now:



Jesus fucking christ. These guys are basically the Michelob Ultra to Nickelback's Budweiser. What the shit. Every once in a while Nickelback drops some wannabe party rock jame between their many horrendous lumberjack arena power ballads. Even though we never actually believe that Chad Kroeger and the douche patrol are "GOING OUT TONIGHT!! DRINKING LOTS OF BEERS!! HANGING OUT WITH MODELS!!" etc. I guess you can give them a D for effort. Daughtry doesn't even try to sugar coat how lame they are. They exclusively sing weepy power ballads without a hint of balls. Daughtry does the grungy Nickelback snarl scream to a T on all his hooks, while gently crooning during the rest of the jam. In order to look like an authentic rock frontman, rather than Michael Bolton with a backing band, Daughtry occasionally straps on an acoustic guitar to strum and inaudibly compliment the band's otherwise electric sound. Just like....Taylor Swift does. Oh you're HOLDING a guitar? Well clearly you're a rock star in that case. I mean if you were rocking a mohawk with that acoustic ala your bassist, I would really hesitate on betting against you in a fight with Michelle Brance.

The rest of the band of course also gobbles giant bowls of dick. Which pretty much goes without saying. I mean...how shitty a set of rock musicians do you have to be to end up as the backing band of an American Idol winner? (Editor's note, just called mom and can now confirm Daughtry was actually just a finalist) You're in a "band" whose name acknowledges only the lead singer. I mean even Jimi Hendrix was nice enough to add the words "The Experience" to his name to emphasize the presence of a complete band. Cream wasn't just named "Clapton" (although they probably should have been). How embarrassing is it to just be the anonymous other members of Daughtry's band? Can you imagine telling people that's your job description? How do these guys show their faces at family Thanksgiving?

Douche Guitar Bro: Guess what guys? I got a new gig! I'm gonna be playing guitar for that guy who finished fourth on American Idol!"

Dad (with palm to face): "Thanks for sharing son, now can we wait till after dessert to discuss you blowing dudes in bathrooms, or did you wanna reveal that now too?"

Anyways, American Idol is still going stronger than ever, so I don't expect it's influence on popular music to waver anytime soon. Which is fine with me. You can ship up all the Carrie Underwoods and Kelly Clarksons in the world up to Clive Davis and let them record 100 breakup anthems for skanks to drunkenly sing at karaoke on gals night out. Just don't make any more contributions to the world of rock & roll please. Don't take the guy who stole America's heart with his edgy version of "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch," strap a guitar on him, put him in front of four douches with leather jackets and chain wallets, and call it a "rock band." I can distinguish the sight of true rock & roll from that of "The Clay Aiken Experience" any day of the week.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Death of the Rad Sitcom

Last week I was home "sick" (mental health day) and was reminded of one of the major reasons being unemployed sucked. Aside from the obvious fact that I was low on funds to buy alcohol and eat meals that didn't feature Ramen noodles, being unemployed sucked balls because of all the daytime tv I had to watch. During the day, between the time Sportscenter stops running and primetime television starts, there is nothing to watch on TV. I mean eventually you've seen every Law & Order SVU episode or at least want to maybe watch some lighter fare that doesn't involve child rape investigations. Your major daytime viewing option other than Judge Judy and Soap Operas, are modern sitcom re-runs. I think I'm stating the obvious when I say that modern sitcoms all pretty much blow. They all follow the same basic format. Either some fat average Joe and his disproportionately hot wife, deal with their daily domestic disputes, and annoying in-laws. Or some group of young adults face go through the rigors of living single in the city, and meet someplace daily (bar/coffee shop) to discuss white people problems. Booowring. There's a reason people are always nostalgic about sitcoms from the 80's and 90's. Old school sitcoms were fucking Rad. They all were based around some creatively ridiculous premise, and there was never a dull moment. If you don't believe me read on as I analyze my list of the top Rad old school sitcoms.

Mr. Belvedere: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IUSSrldd0U

Pretty logical premise to this one. Some middle class family in Pittsburgh randomly decides they need a smartass English butler. Already pretty ridiculous to all of us who grew up in a modest middle class family. Then we get to the specifics. The family breadwinner rakes in the dough as...a sportswriter, and his wife attends law school. Makes sense that the modest salary of your average Pittsburgh sportswriter, combined with hundreds of thousands of dollars of law school debt would add up to the ability to afford a fucking English butler. Also worth noting, there are three kids in the family, and two of them are in high school, with one child in elementary school. Why the hell do they need a butler/essentially a live-in nanny? Once I was about nine my mom could give a shit whether I was home alone. Do these kids really need to enjoy fine dining every evening? Hey moms in law school, times are tough. Just because she doesn't have time for home cooking anymore doesn't mean these brats can't warm up a fucking Hungry Man dinner or pick up a bucket of KFC during the week.

Perfect Strangers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbnLYROCj8

Another sensible concept for a story. Larry is a single guy living in Chicago, makings ends meet living in a single bedroom apartment. One day completely out of the blue his "distant cousin" Balki from some obscure Eastern European country shows up on his doorsteps and insists on living with him. Ok what? Lets Ignore the obvious point that I would never let some distant relative I've never met before from a strange foreign country live with me in my bro pad. How exactly did Balki find Larry? We're talking pre-internet and pre-ancestry.com, yet somehow some rural bumpkin (Balki was a shephard) from a small island finds the name and address of his distant cousin in America. Also if he's such a "distant" cousin why the fuck did Balki pick him to live with? Is Larry the only guy in the family tree in America? Wouldn't Larry also know that his family lineage had roots in the Greek islands? Long story short, there's no way some smelly foreign cousin who looks like a cast member from River Dance randomly shows up, and tells me he's gonna be crashing on the couch and freeloading for a couple years while he "gets a feel for American culture."

Party of Five: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBsHfxhCxEU

I know what you're thinking. This post is supposed to be about comedy sitcoms, not drama series'. Well just listen to the premise of this show and tell me it isn't hiilarious. Some family of five kids in suburban San Francisco loses their parents when some Rad Dude..err I mean irresponsible drunk driver..crashes into them.So now the kids have to raise themselves and take over the daily operation of the family restaurants. What kind of asshole relatives do these kids have? Their fucking parents die in a car accident and NOBODY amongst their next of kin wants to help out? Hey grandma, I know we're asking a lot, but since mommy and daddy went flying off a bridge you think you could maybe take care of us for a bit? Uncle Jim? Aunt Meg? Yeah no, apparently this family of suburban white kids have the worst relatives ever and have to fend for themselves. Also an interesting age range among the kids, as the oldest is 24 year old Charlie and the youngest is a one year old baby. Responsible decision by the parents of four kids aged 24, 15, 16 and 11 respectively to have a baby. "Hey we have two kids heading to college soon, another one still living under our roof at 24 and a fifth grader, yeah we definitely can afford another kid." Jennifer Love Hewitt's rack and rebellious son Bailey's hilarious battle with alcoholism were easily the main highlights of this "serious family drama."

My Two Dads: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHXeo57xj3k

The only show on this list that also could have been the name of a Maury Povich episode. Just listen to the description and then feel free to read into what it really means.

"Nicole's mother dies. Two men who were competing for her mother's affections are awarded joint custody of the girl. The mixups of two single men raising a teenage daughter provide the weekly storyline."

Seriously just read that again without your head exploding. WHAT? So basically two guys were banging Nicole's slut of a mother at the same time and presumably one of them knocked her up. Courts in 1987 apparently couldn't go to great lengths and make use of oh I don't know...a paternity test..to find out who the dad is, so they just gave these two middle aged bros a daughter to raise (again no other family in sight to intervene). Also, seriously these guys don't even question whether the kid really was their own? I mean if the mom was hooking up with both of them at the same time, who's to say she didn't have a half dozen other "suitors" who were "fighting for her affections" (slamming her)? No this is all far too logical for the world of 80's sitcoms. Two guys that were both nailing some woman, that may or may not have been the father of her offspring, just drop everything to move in together and raise their former fling's daughter when she dies. Lets just gloss over the obvious detail that the girl's promiscuous mother just suddenly died of unknown causes in her early 30s. Might wanna take a trip and get your shit checked out at the clinic boys...

Charles in Charge: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLY05HtYP1g

Just like in Mr. Belvedere, we again have middle class Northeastern family in need of domestic help. Except this time substitute New Jersey for Pittsburgh. Oh, and instead of actually hiring a nanny/butler/housekeeper with experience in the field, they just randomly hire some 19 yr old college bro. Instead of a salary, they give him free room and board in exchange for his duties as glorified babysitter. Yeah that seems like a sound plan. I mean when I was a college sophomore you wouldn't want me watching your fucking hamster for a weekend, but I'm sure most other 19 year olds are definitely mature enough to handle that sort of responsibility. I mean yeah post afternoon gravity bong hit, I'm sure the kid did a great job remembering to pick the kids up from soccer practice. The best subplot of this show is the fact that original idiot family that hired Scott Baio to watch their kids only lived in the house for a year. So obviously after this, he had to find a new living/employment arrangement right? Nah. He got such a glowing review from the first family, that when they sublet their home and moved to Seattle, the new family allowed him to stay under the exact same terms. Oh btw the new family's daughter looked like this:


Yeah the chances of a statutory rape fiasco when you let a college junior bro babysit your hot blonde teenage daughter...zero percent. Way to really think that one through, new residents.

Full House: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fI_jdOrYPc

Pretty much the ridiculous sitcom to end all ridiculous sitcoms. Ok so once again somebody is killed by some asshole drunk driver (apparently the production of every 80's/90's sitcom was funded by M.A.D.D.), In this case Danny Tanner's wife. So Danny Tanner has the semi-reasonable idea to get his Rad brother-in-law and aspiring rock musician Jesse to help him raise his three young daughters. Ok that part I can get behind. Why Danny then decided to get his "quirky" comedian friend Joey Gladstone to move in and help out with taking care of the girls..that part I'm completely lost on. Joey Gladstone has got to be one of the creepiest characters in the history of television. Some 30 something single guy who does Popeye impersonations and loves to tickle little girls. Yeah definitely no red flags there. If "Full House" had lasted into Michelle's teen years, Uncle Joey would definitely have been guilty of buying Parrot Bay and wine coolers for all her friends as official "chaperone" of the weekend slumber party at the Tanner household. If he wasn't a perv, Uncle Joey was at the very least a closet homosexual.

As if this house wasn't crowded enough, Uncle Jesse then starts banging Danny's co-host on a hit morning show Becky, and she moves in. HUH? First of all why is Katie Couric dating an aspiring rock star without a record deal? Second...why are they not staying at her house? Then of course they get married..have twins...and still don't fucking leave. What the hell? Why wouldn't you get your own place? Not Danny's fault you can't afford a nursery on your tips from Open Mic night. Once two of the three girls were in high school, did Danny Tanner still need that much help in taking care of the kids? Couldn't D.J. just watch her little sisters. Couldn't creepball Uncle Joey with his "aspiring" comedy career have moved out at this point? Couldn't all domestic responsibilities have been handled by Danny and one English butler, or college sophomore? I don't know, anything to avoid this wave of freeloaders Danny had to support. Of course these ideas are all the product of "logic," and I think at this point we've firmly established that logic and reason have no place within the confines of the Rad old school sitcom.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Top Reasons Mom is Rad

I was going to write this obvious post yesterday, but unfortunately I just moved into a new apartment with no internet yet, so I had to wait till Monday morning to pay tribute to mom. Anyways, as everyone knows, yesterday was Mother's Day and assuming you aren't a complete dickhead with no soul (i.e. a Nickelback fan) you probably did something nice for the lady that raised your ass. At the very least, you gave her a call to tell her how awesome she was, and you arranged some way to get her flowers. I mean even I accomplished this, and I'm the asshole who's been thrown out of a bar on Mother's day for "making a scene" at noon (#Winning). I digress. At any rate, the bottom line is mothers are ridiculously awesome, and we should all appreciate everything they've done for our ungrateful asses over the years. Which is why at least once a year we pay tribute to them. As I'm going to do now with The Lawn's Top Reasons Mom is Fucking Rad.

1. Moms say the Darndest Things

Before we get to all the sappy, nice things we appreciate about our mothers, lets be real for a minute. Can we all just admit that each of us spends at least a couple hours a week making fun of how crazy their mother is? I mean...I know I do. The fact of the matter is every woman who has gone through labor at some point..is a little batshit nuts (Reason #252662 I hope neither Palin or Hillary gets elected president). I don't know what it is. I assume the more children you have, the crazier you are, which is why my mother (whose only pride and joy was yours truly), is slightly less insane than the mothers of some of my Catholic friends. First of all, if your mom hasn't heard from you in over 48 hours, she immediately comes to the conclusion that you are dead. It's a fact. I mean there's never a logical explanation for you forgetting to return one voicemail from your mom over a weekend, like...idk...you were busy enjoying your weekend. No you definitely got sauced up and drove your car off of a bridge (Certain Rad weekends, I admit..this thought is not THAT far-fetched). Mothers also like having views on political/social issues which can be another powder keg. Especially if there is wine involved at a family gathering (mothers love voicing opinions drunk). One second, the same woman who didn't approve of racial profiling at airports, has decided to share with the table her belief that all Arabs are terrorists that shouldn't be given green cards in America. Finally, moms love using clever sayings in everyday conversation...and 75% of the time they deliver the saying completely wrong. For example my mom likes to regale me with stories of how the waiter at dinner last night was "Queer as a dollar bill." I've stopped bothering to explain to her that there is in fact nothing strange about a dollar bill, and that say..a three dollar bill would be "queer." Using logic with a mother is simply too much work.

2. Moms believe EVERYTHING

With apologies to those of you from single parent households (With extra-Rad moms)the five greatest words a child can hear growing up (especially a boy) are "I won't tell your father." That phrase is essentially a "Get out of jail free" card for us little troublemakers. This is because we know if we do something bad, and dad catches wind of it, we are totally fucked. You can't rationalize bad shit to dad, he is always just gonna assume you were in the wrong because you are a bratty asshole (fair assumption). He knows that your art teacher didn't call the house to complain about your behavior, because you "politely asked to be excused from detention." Pops can totally see through that bullshit. That's why when you got in trouble you always told ONLY mom first. Mom's believe anything their little angel tells them. You can totally spin some bullshit story rationalizing anything you did, and your mother will buy at least 50% of it. For example, in 6th grade back in ancient times when kids still looked at Playboys, my mom found my Jenny McCarthy centerfolds stashed inside my Street & Smiths NFL preview. When she asked me "what's this" (idk why moms phrase all inquiries this way...like wtf do you think it is mom, it's a naked blonde in a shower) I had a logical explanation. I had lent said football magazine to my friend Ian O'Connell up the street (neighborhood dweeb) and he must have slipped nudie mags in there before returning it to me. She totally bought it. This of course became a go-to excuse for the rest of time ("Uh yeah mom, you see I lent Justin my jacket and...he must have slipped his marijuana pipe in my inside pocket. Weird."). If I ever need somebody to testify on my behalf at trial Mom is at the top of the list.

3. Moms are Domestic Goddesses

I know this may come as news to many of you younger folks, but there was once a time (a "horrible, oppressive" time for the ladies I might add) when women were solely responsible for cooking and cleaning in the house. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm telling the God honest truth. Not only that, women took pride in this role. That's why nobody can whip up a meal and make a floor look shinier than mom. Seriously have you ever seen how fast a mom can make a house spotless? It's ridiculous. I try to clean my place like once a month and usually it takes me a solid day to make my home look presentable. Moms just roll into a pigsty and can make the joint look brand new in like 30 minutes. "la la la, scrub this, vacuum that, do some dishes" BOOM. DONE. As for cooking? Forget about it. There's a reason mom's home cooking tastes so much better than anything else you've tasted in your life. Moms make everything literally fresh from scratch. There's no pre-processed crap in mom's cooking. You see back in the day when mom learned to cook she didn't have a million packaged ready-made meal items at her disposal. If you wanted wild rice with your meal, mom actually chopped up onions and mixed together spices and made it. She didn't just pour a Rice-a-Roni country rice pack into a pot and follow the easy to read directions on the box (This is why mom recipes don't have real measurements just "pinches" and "splashes" of ingredients). Mom actually slaved over some sort of Rad Mexican casserole dish for dinner, she didn't just buy the Tex-Mex "Hamburger Helper." Seriously if you find yourself a woman that operates at 1/3 of the domestic efficiency of your mom..put a ring on that shit...immediately.

4. She like...carried you for 9 months in the womb and such

Probably the greatest thing about being a man (along with the ability to piss outside anywhere at a moment's notice) is the fact that we can't get knocked up. Seriously being pregnant must FUCKING SUCK. Can you imagine just having to quit drinking and smoking at the drop of a dime as soon as you got the results of some test you peed on? Oh sorry, I meant quit drinking and smoking for NINE STRAIGHT MONTHS?? I would shoot myself. I mean even rehab is only 30 days, and then you can get back to the party. If I go nine days without said vices I am likely to develop homicidal tendencies. Then there's the minor factor of you ballooning up and carrying all this weight you're not used to carrying because you have some little asshole growing inside of you. I mean other than Tyler Perry, what man would want to spend 3/4 of their year walking around in a fat suit? NOBODY. No wonder pregnant women are always irrationally pissed off at their spouses. "Oh sorry I'm a little cranky today but...I HAVEN'T HAD A FUCKING BEER OR CIGARETTE IN 5 MONTHS AND I LOOK LIKE A WHALE YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE!" Then of course there's the whole procedure of "going into labor" which I've heard is basically like being kicked in the dick repeatedly for eight straight hours. No wonder they call that shit "labor" sounds like some fucking serious work to me. Yeah moms go through all these sacrifices, and put up with all this bullshit, just so they can bring you into this world (You of course repaid her by crying about shit immediately upon arival). That's pretty Rad.

So the next time you're annoyed with your mom for bitching about you not calling enough, or telling you retarded boring anecdotes with no point, or being politically incorrect at the dinner table post Chardonnay #5, think about these things. Remember for all their minor faults, your mom is pretty badass. So no matter what, treat your mother right: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFNJLs-Ql0o

Thursday, May 5, 2011


This weekend from NetFlix the indie music documentary "Lemmy" arrived for my lazy sunday viewing to pleasure, and I have to say my review was a resounding two thumbs up. Generally, when you hear the words "indie" and "documentary" together, you think of some movie where a guy eats Big Macs for a month to prove they're unhealthy, or some shit about endangered penguins. Occasionally however, the word "indie" just means "Too Rad a concept for a major studio to touch." Which was the case with Lemmy, a behind the scenes look at the daily existence of Hall of Fame Rad Dude Lemmy Kilmister, frontman of Motorhead. If you want a tutorial in "How to be an epic rock badass 101" I highly recommend you check out Lemmy. Seriously if one hour in you don't have the sudden urge to drink a liter of Jack Daniels, smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds and go on a speed bender, you basically have no penis. Anyways, Motorhead is living proof that a band can survive countless lineup changes over the course of decades as long as they have a frontman so badass that his aura of Rad will overshadow any collection of lesser men you put around him. On the other hand if you have a total douchebag fronting your band, it doesn't matter how many badass rock musicians you put behind him, the results will be lame (see Van Hagar). Then of course you have modern music where a band can consist of one whiney Dipshit, backed by an interchangable crew of pansies, and be classified as rock & roll. I.E. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL.

Seriously where the fuck do these bands come up with their names? "Dashboard Confessional?" Huh? There is absolutely nothing rock & roll at all about either a "dashboard" or a "confessional," unless we're talking about doing lines off the dashboard of your convertible while confessing to the bassist that you're banging his girlfriend. Of course I looked up the origins of this assfuck name and found that the band's name originated from their song "The Sharp Hint of New Tears" off their debut album "The Swiss Army Romance." Ok that told me nothing. Basically your pussy band wrote a pussy song for their pending pussy album and then derived a pussy band name from the lyrics. Moving on. The band's one man mastermind is the former American Apparel employee pictured above. In high school he was voted "Most Likely to Dissappoint his Father." Seriously are you kidding me? I don't think this guy has grown a pube yet. If my son showed up to Thanksgiving dinner dressed like this I'd tell him to get out of the house and go fucking beg for turkey at the local homeless shelter. Sweet rolled up checkered shirt douchebag. Really compliments your size 27 girl jeans, designer trucker hat and the last remaining pair of doc martens on earth. Also I don't care how many tattoos of unicorns and rainbows you ink down your sleeves tough guy I'd still wager against you in a fight with Justin Bieber. Lets take a listen to what assfuckery this dipshit passes off as rock music



So basically this band is like John Mayer meets Michelle Branch with more sad feelings. Awesome. As usual singing is a foreign concept to the band's singer. In our first hot number here he chooses to just whimper and whisper through the lyrics, until he gets to the chorus where he screams in grandiose pansy fashion like some sort of emo Bono. For some reason he bothers to strap on a guitar, even though he strums two chords at an inaudible level for 80% of the song. I don't even know why he has a backup rhythms. They also turn their amps all the way up to 3 and strum out two chord melodies. The drummer's role is just to look fierce during his rare drum fill, to offset the sea of strumming and weeping in front of him. Since Dashboard's actual instrumental talent is zilch, you kinda zone out from their soft emo balladry, and find yourself listening to the actual lyrics of these lame sounding songs. Which are actually 10 times worse than the band's actual music. Lets look at some of this pussy poet's finest verses.

"Another sun soaked season fades away, you have stolen my heart..."


"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me? So I die happy"

(Yes somebody please kill this asshole so we can all die happy)

"My heart is yours, to fill or burst. To break or bury. Or wear as jewelry. Whichever you prefer"


Ok are you serious with that last set of lyrics? Was that a joke? Options apparently presented to chick who doesn't want to bang Dashboard's singer ever:

(A) Stomp, break, or bury his heart.
(B) Wear it as Jewelry

How exactly do you wear a guy's heart as jewelry? That might be the single lamest emo pickup line analogy in history. This is basically the scribblings of a hopeless romantic 6th grader in his mead composition book, passed off as a rock song because some assfuck with sleeve tattoos and skinny jeans whispered it while lightly strumming a guitar. Somebody please stab this douche in the heart before he writes another cheesedick analogy about it.

The problem of course is that there are masses of chicks that LOVE this sensitive emo poetry bullshit, which is why bands like Dashboard Confessional keep getting signed to record deals and keep selling out venues. Most rock bands have at least somewhat of a split in their fan demographic amongst the bros and hos, but I'm pretty sure chicks are 97% solely to blame for Dashboard's rise to fame (with the other 3% being the sad douches trying to impress chicks with their sensitivity). So I beg of you ladies. Please stop supporting this pansy garbage. The American male as a species is already rapidly nearing extinction, in direct conjunction with the demise of rock music. So stop encouraging the existence of these pussies. If some clown with sleeve tattoos and skinny jeans wants to write sensitive music for chicks he can go be a songwriter for Sara Bareillis. Just keep him off my rock radio and definitely off my fucking lawn.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Assholes: Ruining Patriotism Since 9/11

Last night I was doing my usual Sunday thing watching AMC's "The Killing" (Rad Show)while blogging about the Royal Wedding and the stupid chicks who woke up to watch it. Suffice to say I was kinda zoned out from society, not logging onto facebook to check out people's lame lives, and certainly not checking up on world news headlines either. Then all of a sudden I started getting random ass messages from people. "America FUCK YEAH!" read one. Um..ok one of my drunk buddies is feeling randomly patriotic. Then another one "WE GOT THAT BITCH!." Wait ok so what bitch have we gotten? What does this have to do with America's awesomeness? Then upon switching the channel from AMC to every OTHER channel on TV, I discovered what all the fuss was about. Something I never dreamed would happen, had gone down. We had "gotten" motherfucking OSAMA BIN LADEN, grand emperor of all assholes. Namely "we" (America pew! pew!) had found him, and put that son of a bitch six feet under. What a great night for America. Almost ten years after the tragedy of 9/11 we had gotten the man primarily responsible for the attacks (along with being the mastermind of countless other terrorist acts that also took many lives across the globe). Score a fucking win for America. Even though it took us longer than usual we had proven once again that if you fuck with America you will (eventually) get deal with.

So the celebration was on. Rad friends of mine stormed the streets of NY and DC celebrating as only America knows how...by getting black out drunk in public and chanting patriotic phrases in crowds. Needless to say I had a couple incoherent voicemails at 2am where all I could make out was the caller's general sentiment that America was awesome. So I thought to myself, this is great. Just as 9/11 had united us in a time of grief, us popping a cap in OBL's face had united our nation in a time of joy, where everyone in America could once again agree on something. Then..Monday happened. I expected to go to work and basically spend all day celebrating "wave your flags and shoot your six shooters in the air" day by unofficial state law (after all I live in Texas). Instead the office cronies were in a solemn unexcited mood. No flag waving, no general sense of happiness over last night's monumental events. Then I logged onto Facebook (always a mistake). All the simple unbridled joy of the night before had been replaced with batshit conspiracy discussions, whiney assholes on soapboxes stacked sky high, and a million amateur political pundits offering their analysis of the Osama killing. After all this I realized what was going on. Once again assholes...were ruining patriotism.

When I say "assholes" I don't mean exclusively Republicans, or Democrats, or hippies, or rednecks, or hipsters (ok scratch that all hipsters are assholes). I mean ALL OF YOU. All of you fucking assholes who go out of your way to divide our country because your only purpose in life is to prove that your side of the story is right at any cost. You assholes that can never take a neutral stand ONCE and just come to an agreement on something for the sake of the common good of this nation. You assholes that never look at the USA as simply Team America (World Police), because you are too busy with the agenda of team Jackass or team Dumbo. Well I am here to say FUCK YOU. ALL OF YOU. You ruin EVERYTHING and now I will address both of you independently like the groups of children you are.

1. Dear Huffington Post Afficionado who can't think for himself,

Fuck You. You couldn't just enjoy a great evening for America that happened under the watchful eye of "your" Democratic regime. You couldn't just cheer loudly in approval, without resorting to your natural instinct of jumping on a soapbox. First of all your side didn't "win" anything. A bunch of liberal dickheads decided to paint this as a "victory" for the Obama administration. Proof that the party that they had voted into office, was solely responsible for bringing down the Al Quaeda mastermind. Ok for the record, Barack Obama and Joe Biden didn't storm Bin Laden's lair with a ground force unit themselves last I checked. So "they" didn't take down Osama. Our Rad military did. Sure they may have approved the final attack after they were informed of the location of King Dickwad in Pakistan. They may have appointed some people that set out an effective way of approaching OBL's capture. Ultimately however, without the effective execution of the gameplan by our actual military forces all this brilliant planning is for nothing. Phil Jackson's playbook doesn't win championships with the LA Clippers roster.

The other thing I saw whiney liberal pussies doing, was creating conflict with both their political opposition, and within their own party, by crying about the appropriate reaction to the OBL kill shot. "Waaaaaah. Mike Huckabee said Osama Bin Laden was a murderous asshole that belongs in hell! :( He's a meanie redneck, this is why people hate us." Um...that all sounds pretty accurate to me. That's like calling somebody an asshole for saying "Kim Kardashian is a bimbo slut who fucks any black guy with a shoe deal." Stating a harsh fact doesn't automatically make you a dick. Second of all I hate the "This is why the terrorists hate us" argument by the pansy patrol. "We get drunk and riot and wave American flags THIS is why they hate us." OR "We said Osama Bin Laden deserves to burn in hell THIS is why they hate us." Terrorists hate us because the cost to build our football stadiums exceeds their country's GNP, and we allow women to show their ankles. I don't think being a little more polite is gonna change that. So get off your PC high horse, stop taking credit for everything, and stop complaining about people's joy. Assholes.

2. Dear Glen Beck Enthusiast who loves uncovering dirt,

Fuck you. Can't you ever let something be without wondering aloud about the "true story" behind it? "Well we just killed the world's most notorious godfather of terrorism...BUT WHAT'S THE REAL STORY??" NOTHING. We fucking caught the asshole and capped him. Yaaay!! America WOO HOO!! Why do you have to be a dick and overanalyze what possible batshit conspiracy is going on behind the scenes? One of the gems I heard today.

"I think it's conveniant that we magically found Osama NOW..so close to the election. I heard that he's most likely been dead for over three years now."

Seriously did you just listen to yourself? Yeah it's really conveniant that ONE AND A HALF YEARS before the next election Obama's cronies randomly uncovered a corpse to guarantee themselves another four years in 2012. Pretty sure with almost half his term left, Barack can't just mail it in and start kicking baby strollers if he wants to be re-elected, just because he took out OBL. Also in this day and age where it's almost impossible to keep ANYTING completely under wraps, with all the media prying, I have to imagine it'd be pretty hard to kill the world's most famous terrorist, and put him in the freezer for a couple years with nobody leaking it. I guess any Bin Laden messages on Al Jazeera were just fabricated. Also I love the "I heard" part. Oh so is there a secret pipeline of insider info that runs from the CIA to your home? Oh your wife's cousin in the military said it. Right. And your 2nd cousin is a doctor who only treats immigrants who abuse free healthcare. Sure.

Along with their penchant for batshit conspiracy theories, conservatives of course have not taken a liking to how the other guys have celebrated their perceived "victory." How they've taken all the credit for Osama swimming with the fishes currently. How they've bragged about accomplishing something a prior administration couldn't. You know what..you're probably right. They probably are dicks for acting this way. You know what though. Your guys would do THE SAME FUCKING THING in their shoes. Oh you though Obama's speech was a little self indulgent? yeah you're right..he probably should have addressed everyone on a fucking battleship with a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner behind him: Waaay more subdued. You really think if your guys had "caught" Osama they wouldn't be tooting their own horn a little bit about it? You know like when we "stormed" Saddamn Hussein's "fortress" and took down the mighty city of Baghdad. Of course they would, because ALL politicians are self-indulgent dicks who will use any major accomplishment for political campaigning. So lets not be naive, and act like things would be different with the shoe on the other foot.

Anyways, in the end all rants like this do is stir up more anger on both sides over who's right and who's wrong. Which regime (when in power) had more to do with the job getting done. What "the real story" is. Well the real story is this: Neither of your "favorite teams" (I mean...."party you blindly support") can take full credit for the Osama takedown. Or even primary credit. The only people who should truly be credited with accomplishing anything here...are the only people who don't give a fuck which political party is in power.

(Insert sappy Stan Marsh message theme music from South Park).

The people who go to work and fight for our country whether a Democrat, a Republican, or a Chimpanzee is giving the orders. Our US Military. Lost in all this stupid bickering, conspiracy theorizing, and crying about why the terrorists hate us, is the fact that they accomplished something for our country. So we should all be patriotic and just be happy that America as a whole was "victorious" in some capacity. Rather than just acting like a bunch of assholes like we always do.

Now..back to the celebration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WXhO_-e3bM

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

With April almost over, Spring is officially in bloom with college coeds having returned from getting STDs at tropical vacation spots and the MLB season in full swing. Unfortunately this time frame also marks the start of the yearly phenomenon known as festival season. Once the weather gets nice random cities across the country big and small start hosting their annual gatherings of bands that suck balls. Now when you think of festivals, you often think of some hippie fest where a bunch of white kids with dreads eat mushrooms and dance in circles to String Cheese Incident. Note to my stoner buddies: these gatherings don't really bother me that much. I mean M.O.E. will play All Good 25 yrs in a row before I am ever forced to actually hear their music in society. No the festivals I'm referring to are the mass hipster festivals where the trendiest of the trendy bands headline, and up and coming noise-rock shitbags go to stake their claim to douche rock stardom. Hipster grad students without real jobs somehow spend hundreds of dollars to jetset across the country and buy tix to as many of these fests as possible. Not to enjoy the main band that is "Sooo last year's Outside Lands" as much as to name drop the newest band just getting on the scene that they saw play some craptastic set. Like this year's breakout group at the recent Coachella festival and Band That Sucks Balls: The Pains of Being Pure at Heart.

It seriously just pained me to type out the name of this collection of asstards. I mean I thought we had pretty much hit the Mt. Everest of lame nonsensical hipster band names with "Death Cab for Cutie," but boy was I sorely mistaken. "The Pains of Being Pure at Heart"..? WHAT? I mean if you gave me a choice between "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" and "The Pains of Being Pure at Heart" and asked "which one is a rock band and which one is a Sandra Bullock/Ashley Judd gal pal flick," I'd just flip a coin. Ridiculously horrible name. Their appearance of course lives up to the standard set by their lame moniker. A key ingredient in any hipster band is of course a chick with bangs, and ugly chick, or an Asian girl. Well lookie here! We've got ourselves and ugly Asian chick..with bangs! PERFECT! Also should probably have a guy with a haircut a chimpanzee could give someone: See guy on the left with his douche combover and spaghetti strap suspenders holding up his skinny jeans. Then of course comes the douche band wardrobe essential: the sweater. Well we've obviously got Mr. Rogers over here second from left in his Rad red Cardigan sweater and picnic table shirt, and the band leader far right rocking his V-neck/pink shirt looking solemnly at the camera with the standard neutral expression all lame bands use during group shots. Lets take a listen as to what audio excrement these assfucks shit out and purport to be rock:



Ok even though these guys blow donkey balls on all levels, the first question that comes to mind. What in the fuck happened to the rock singer? I mean I'm not expecting Robert Plant to front every band out there, but seriously give me something outta your voice that sounds like you've grown a pube this century. What the shit is this asshole doing? Some sort of sad, whiney whispering in a nasally tone. That is not singing by any standard. "Whimpering puppy in a kennel" is not a vocal style. Of course since the frontman can't hold down vocals by himself, his female counterpart assists in harmonizing the whining on the hook. Good, at least Margaret Cho does something worthwhile besides tapping two keys on her casio keyboard once every two minutes.

The guitar attack can as usual be described in one word: Strumtastic. Just lots of repetitive strumming of three chords, followed by slightly louder strumming of three chords, and then the grand finale...Loudest strumming of three chords. Sweeeet.. I don't even know what to tell you by the bassist. I mean..did you watch that second clip? He literally contributed NOTHING to the performance other than a cardigan sweater. He just fucking stands there looking glum..holding..his bass, until the great strum-off to close out this pansy jam about finding the heart in heartbreak. I will say that the drummer is not bad, but his backbeat and solid fills can't drown out the ocean of super lameness in front of him. Go back to Williamsburg (Yes of course they're from Brooklyn) and open up a fucking bike shop you pack of assclowns. I don't want to hear your breezy emotional strum rock, anymore than I want to listen to Charles Barkley recite the Gettysburg Address. Your band accomplishes nothing other than being pure pain to my goddamn eardrums. Take that to heart cocktasters.

Anyways, what else really needs to said about these shitheads above? I will now move on to more positive news and say that since I don't support music like the aforementioned Pure Pains of my Sandy Vagina, I spent Coachella weekend in NYC seeing an actual rock show courtesy of up and coming rad band Taddy Porter. I've mentioned them before and they're good on record, but they absolutely ROCK COCK live. If you have a chance to check them out in your city you definitely should(most likely at some small venue since..duh...they don't play shitty electro fuzz strum noise...can't fill an arena). They are a badass band and if you show enough enthusiasm in preserving the spirit of rock and roll by getting buck wild in the crowd, they will even pound beers and shoot the shit with you post Rad show. So check them out: http://www.facebook.com/taddyportermusic#!/taddyportermusic?sk=info

Monday, April 25, 2011

I wanna ride a damn triceratops already.

Sorry I've been MIA on the blogosphere for over a week now. It was wishful thinking that I would return from my Rad weekend in NYC and immediately be able to motivate myself to start writing semi-coherent rant posts again immediately. Clearly needed a little bit of detox/brain recovery time to get back in the swing. Anyways, this weekend I was sitting around flipping through the tube and stumbled upon Jurassic Park. I hadn't watched this classic Rad flick and forever and was reminded how it is a futuristic popcorn flick that is still as awesome today as when it was released. That's because dinosaurs no longer how old you get are always fucking Rad as shit. There are certain things as a dude that you were allowed to be nerdy about growing up and along with NFL stats, and obscure songs in Led Zeppelin's catalog, dinosaurs is one of them. Every guy fucking loved dinosaurs when they were kids and still appreciates them today. I mean really if you don't appreciate giant pre-historic monster creatures eating each other alive, you are not a man in my book. Anyways, this got me to thinking. Jurassic Park came out almost 20 years ago (1993). Yet today....with all the "scientific breakthroughs" we see every year...we still have not reconstructed dinosaurs. So I ask you..WTF is the holdup?

It's absolutely mind boggling that scientists have not come up with a way to reconstruct dinosaurs yet. I mean seriously how fucking hard is it? It's all laid out in Jurassic park. Get some like preserved mosquitos that used to live off dino blood back in the cretaceous period. Extract dino DNA. Put it in some eggs, refridgerate eggs. Hatch dinosaurs. Boom. Donzo. This is not rocket science people. I mean I'm sure it's not quite THAT simple and might take more than a 6th grade science kit with a couple petri dishes to accomplish it, but still there's no way it can be too difficult. Lets just say I'm sure that five Asian bio-chem majors from Harvard can figure out a way to make this happen extracting DNA and mixing together fossilized molecules and shit. I'm convinced that this just isn't a high priority on the "brilliant scientific research" docket. You're telling me cloning sheep is somehow possible and we can't re-create velociraptors? Yeah right. Clearly scientists just think that recreating dinosaurs is some sort of pointless endeavor that contributes nothing to society. Well I'm here to tell you that those assholes are wrong and that dinosaurs would greatly enhance our lives.

How would a real life Jurassic Park enhance our lives? Um hello. That would be the most popular animal attraction in history. Instant stunting of our economy. Do you know how many people go to the zoo every year? Or to aquariums? Or fucking "Sea World" to watch dolphins bounce beach balls off their noses and catch fish while doing backflips? BILLIONS. All of these aforementioned animal attractions are Snoozeville, USA compared to the potential of a Rad dinosaur park. Every person in the country would pay $100 to go to a dino park over any other animal park. Have you been to the zoo lately? SO BOWWWRING. I don't care what you say, no guy really enjoys going to the zoo. It's a cute date event for like walking around while a chick "oohs" and "ahhs" over all the cute animals. Lets be real though...once you've seen one baby panda you've seen them all. "Awwww did you the new pictures of Chin Li the panda?? :)" Yeah..he looks exactly the same as Min Cho the baby panda from last year. The aquarium? "Well we saw the shark exhibit...that was 10 minutes well spent, time to go home." I mean who the hell really wants to look at Manatees floating around? Sea World is awesome too. "oh cool the same giant fucking whale in a massive pool I've seen for the last 30 yrs splashing the crowd." I saw Shamu 1, I'm pretty sure Shamu 7 doesn't do any tricks significantly different from his mom I saw perform in 1988.

Basically every dinosaur is a completely rad version of a boring modern animal. "Oh look a giraffe. He has a long neck and can eat leaves off a tree standing up." Big fucking deal. You want to look at a Rad giraffe? Bring me a brontosaurus. You know, a giraffe that is the size of a building, weighs 5000 pounds and can actually stomp you like a fly with one foot. Rhinos are pretty cool. Almost as cool as a triceratops which is basically a 30 ft rhino with the mouth of a snapping turtle. The bird exhibit is pretty cool at the zoo. Almost as cool as seeing giant bat-bird-lizard hybrids known as muthatfuckin' pterodactyls zooming across the sky. Most Rad dinosaurs aren't even comparable to any modern species of animal roaming your zoo exhibits. How do you describe a velociraptor? It's like a ground falcon with cheetah speed that mauls it's prey in pack attacks like a school of piranhas. How fucking rad would it be to watch a herd of antelope set free amongst like 4 raptors and see how long it takes them to rip the African Safari Bambis to shreds? I could not be drunk enough to enjoy that entertainment. A T-Rex?? Forget about it. That'd be kinda like going to see a giant elephant exhibit where the giant elephants had teeth like machetes, roared at an insane decibel rate and chomped on other living animals in one bite, instead of munched on peanuts.

In the end we have no hope for the recreation of these Rad monsters of prehistoric times unless scientists start getting their shit together, and stop wasting time looking for other "scientific breakthroughs." Look, nobody has cured a disease since polio. If you get cancer you're fucking dead. If you get the HIV virus you're fucking dead (unless you have access to Magic Johnson's secret stash of hidden AIDs medicine). If you get the common cold chug some fuckin Tussin'. We are wasting our time on these hopeless causes, when we could be extracting T-Rex DNA from preserved mosquitos and hatching velociraptor eggs. So lets get on it scientists. Enough with these lame research endeavors, make me some dinosaurs. I've only been waiting 18 years to ride a triceratops you assholes.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Taking a Bite outta the Big Apple

This is usually the time of the week where I write long angry ranting posts about shitty bands that totally suck balls which are hilarious to half of you, and inspire bitter hatred from the other half of you. This week however, I had to pack up for my Rad trip to The Big Apple. Don't worry I am not going to New York City to murder hipsters, and set fire to indie rock venes in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (unless the opportunity presents itself). Rather I am going up there for a weekend of totally rad activities like going to Yankee Stadium, going to a real rock show with rad bands Taddy Porter and Jonathan Tyler, and general debauchery in the city that never sleeps. Hopefully my Rad vacation will present me with a whole litany of awesome or douchey things to rant about on the internets when I return. Anyways, so long story short I'll be back next week to make fun of some group of dickheads with a nonsensical long name, that dress like assholes, and play a made up genre of music. Until then feel free to sort through the archives and complain about bands I've made fun of before that you have an irrational passion for, or actually enjoy the mockery. In the meantime I'll be uptown baby, getting down baby. Enjoy your weekend bitches.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Juuuust...a Bit Outside

April has arrived, which means spring is officially upon us. That time of the year when the weather gets warmer, flowers bloom, young love springs eternal, and douchebags start to post Facebook status' about their struggles with seasonal allergies. Most importantly it's that special time when baseball, America's official pastime returns to our lives. Now of course in recent years many people (myself included) have questioned whether baseball is still worthy of this lofty title. After all, football is easily the most popular sport in America, with the NFL being the league that garners the big-time TV ratings and rakes in the highest profits each year. Basketball is the sport with the most recognizable superstar athlete in the country in Lebron James. Even Nascar has surpassed baseball in popularity due to its enormous fanbase of poor and stupid rednecks who think Obama's totally gay. Despite all this, I still think baseball deserves its due, and should always be given equal if not equal standing in the discussion of professional sports in the US of A. Especially now as we face the very real possibility of life without the NFL (reason: one group of rich assholes can't agree with another group of rich assholes over who should have more hundred dollar bills to wipe their asses with). As the NFL lockout drags on, I think it's time that America once again attempt to embrace its once undisputed national pastime. I give you now, my top reasons baseball is totally fucking Rad.

1. Take me out to the ballgame

It is easier to attend a baseball game than it is to attend any other pro sporting event. First of all, baseball is easily the cheapest ticket in professional sports. Look we're going through a recession, people are fucking poor, and we all know that no matter what sporting event we attend, we'll be forced to purchase overpriced $8-$10 pints of beer. We know we're gonna have to pay out the ass for parking at the stadium unless we want to take the subway 12 stops to get there. So the actual ticket better be cheap as shit, to soften the blow of all the other coin we're spending to check out this game. Baseball tickets can be acquired for as little as $5 a pop, and decent seats can be acquired for no more than $25. This is totally a bargain compared to all the other major professional sports. This is of course due to the fact that the baseball regular season is far longer than that of the NFL, NHL, and NBA (Nascar seems to never fucking end so we'll overlook that one), and they play everyday. Which brings us to baseball's other perk. You can chooose to attend a game whenever it's convenient for you, anytime during the week. You don't have to pick one of only eight sundays. You don't have to choose a random weeknight to stay out late in the city. There are both day and night games, on weekdays and weekends, exh day for six consecutive months. Depending on what best fits your personal schedule, you can always find a way to attend a couple baseball games a year.

2. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack

Out of all the professional sports in this country, baseball is by far the one that is most enhanced by the live viewing experience. No other sports's stadium atmosphere can compete with the overall Rad appeal of attending an MLB game at the ballpark. There is just something about walking into a baseball game that is just an overload of America all over your ass. (BTW baseball...only sport played on our nation's birthday). First of all, most baseball stadiums are outdoor venues and the sport is played during the spring/summer/early fall. You're not packed in some stuffy indoor arena, or some open air stadium in frigid temperatures with rain or snow pouring down upon you. The aforementioned fresh air is filled of course with the smell of Rad ballpark food. Every baseball stadium has a full menu of awesome eats, that are meant to represent the unique artery clogging cuisine your team's home region has to offer. Hot dogs in NY, Bratwursts in Chicago, BBQ in Texas etc. Along with circus style snack food like cotton candy, peanuts, popcorn, and cracker jack. Oh and btw you get to see fireworks before, after, and during the game while hearing three different national "anthems" sung by a firefighter. Rad.

As for the actual game atmosphere baseball finds a perfect balance in accomodating both the psychotic sports fan, and the casual observer. No matter what you're in the mood for as a fan, baseball can fit your needs. If you want to sit in the family section with your kids, enjoying a casual day at the ballpark of keeping score, munching on snacks, and politely cheering when the home team scores, that's cool. If you want to hang with your date in the quiet section, explaining the nuances of the game, and chill on a couple beers and and share a plate of nachos..also kosher. If you want to go to the game with your bros, sneak a pint of whiskey stuffed down your pants into the game, get blackout wasted and yell profanities..well there's a section for you too. Baseball is the best sport for Rad heckling, because it's the only sport where the action is quiet enough (and close enough) for the players on the field to hear your clever taunts. So once you find that designated area of the stadium in the outfield, free of families and cute couples, and loaded with other assholes like yourself, it's open season on the visiting squad. Feel free to let your voice be heard loud and clear as you tell the opposing centerfielder that his wife is a dirty skank, and that he takes it in the butt from the team's shortstop.

3. It's the official sport of Average Joes and Rad Dudes

A friend of mine often says about baseball, "It must be fun watching a sport where you don't really have to be an athlete to play the game." Actually this is one of the factors that makes baseball so appealing to your average American sports fanatic. Have you seen Lebron James play recently? The guy is like a mack truck with track speed and the ability to jump over cars. At the age of 8 that guy had already surpasssed my athletic prime. Looked at Terrell Owens lately? I think T.O. runs five miles and bench presses a car 50 times before I wake up on most Saturdays. Think your average American sports fan, after working 8 hours at his blue collar job, having a couple of beers with his buddies at the watering hole, and sitting down in front of the tube with his three slices of leftover Dominos can relate to these guys? Hell no. The only professional sport where Joe McShay the construction worker can see anything resembling his mirror image out on the playing field is baseball.

Baseball is the official sport of Average Joes and Rad dudes. Ever wonder why EVERY kid played little league baseball? Even the most hopeless child with no physical talent to speak of can find a place on a little league squad. Oh you're fat? We'll put you at first base, just lean and stick your glove out once an inning. Oh you're unccordinated? Well we'll just put you in right field where you'll never have to catch a pop fly or throw the ball home. Every kid has the ability to play SOME position in little league baseball. In pro baseball, even though there are obviously freak athletes out there in the majors, there is still room for the Average Joe. The greatest basebll player ever, guy by the name of Babe Ruth, drank heavily, smoked cigars, and was built like a blimp. Have you taken a glance at CC Sabathia and Prince Fielder recently? They would fit right in demolishing plates of ribs and farting up a storm at the dinner table from "The Nutty Professor."

Even baseball players who aren't blatantly obese are at least Rad looking dudes you know would hang with you at the local pool hall. I mean the 93' Phillies squad that actually went to the World Series? Lenny Dykstra, Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams, John fucking Kruck?? Whole lineup of rad dudes that looked like Dalton's henchmen from "Road House." Randy Johnson looks like the world's tallest spokesman for Copenhagen tobacco, and he's one of the greatest pitchers ever. Hell arguably the best modern pitcher Tim Lincecum, once starred in "Dazed and Confused," and his closer Brian Wilson looks like some sort of rad psycho lumberjack. Anyways, like I said there are obviously sick athletes and pretty boys in baseball as well, but more than any other sport the Rad dudes and Fatty All-American Joes can look at the screen and see a couple guys they could relate to and have a beer with.

4. You have to be A FAN

Baseball is by far the oldest major American sport, and in order to really appreciate the game you have to be aware of its history. You have to understand that nobody in a family of Chicago Cubs fans will ever witness a World Series title, and why Steve Bartman should remain in the witness protection program for the rest of his life because of it. You have to know about Bucky fucking Dent, Aaron fucking Boone, and the 3-0 ALCS collapse to understand why the Yankees and Red Sox hate each other. You have to understand how Jackie Robinson changed the face of the American athlete forever. You gotta understand why Roberto Clemente is responsibile for all the Rad immigrant ballplayers we see today who grew to love our national game in other countries, and came here to pursue the American dream. You have to see the records "61 home runs," "56 straight games," and ".400" and know that you may only get ONE chance in your lifetime to see them matched. (yeah I threw in 61* at the..official..HR record pre-Roidsville USA). You have to hold some opinion of Pete Rose's chances of ever getting into the hall of fame.

More than any other sport, you also have to really understand the little nuances to appreciate baseball. You gotta understand why batters get walked to create force outs at second. You have to get why a sacrifice fly is sometimes just as good as a base hit. You have to know your ace pitcher hitting the 100 pitch count in the 7th inning of a deciding playoff game means it's time for a change if your manager isn't named Grady Little. Without getting too longwinded with the baseball references the average person might not get...if you're gonna be a baseball fan..you have to actually be A FAN. You have to understand the history and tradition of America's pastime and really appreciate the game. That's what makes baseball great. It's not just an event. People don't go to baseball games just to look for celebs in the crowd, or just for the parking lot tailgate experience, or solely to get blackout wasted with their white trash bros. People go to baseball games because they love baseball, or at least appreciate how much it means to American society. That's why in a nutshell, I feel that whether or not you like another sport far better, you should try giving the old ballgame another shot. It's your duty as an American. When the day arrives where people no longer appreciate an afternoon at the ballpark of hot dogs, beer, fireworks, national anthems, questioning the opposing shortstop's sexuality and general Radness, the terrorists will have won.